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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To admit I don't want to pas my driving test?

61 replies

Serenity05 · 30/04/2016 12:19

Warning – pathetic whining ahead.

I’ve been taking driving lessons on and off for around 10 years now. I’m on my third instructor and I’ve recently booked my test for June (my second attempt – the first one I failed within the first five minutes when I had a panic attack). I hate driving. I hate everything about it, I never feel safe and the thought of being in a car on my own makes me feel sick.

I have a 6 month old DS and I feel like I should learn to drive for him. My DM couldn’t drive when I was a child and I missed out on so much because she couldn’t take me places (my dad worked away a lot) and I don’t want that for him. But I also know that I’ll be terrified of ever getting behind the wheel with him – not least because he screams whenever he’s in the car.

I’m always an absolute state when I get back from my lessons and I feel like I’m wasting a load of money on something I don’t believe I can actually do, and if by some miracle I do manage it, it will still be pointless because I never, ever want to drive.

I’ve been put under a lot of pressure by my DM and DSis over the years to pass my test and I dread to think what they would say if I quit now. My DH wouldn’t pressure me but I know he’d be disappointed if I quit.

I don’t know if I want people to slap me and tell me I’m being pathetic or hold my hand and tell me it’s okay to stop.

OP posts:

Bishybishybarnabee · 30/04/2016 21:17

Reading with interest, I've recently started driving lessons after having had a baby as I want to be able to take him places. I'm finding it so hard and at the moment just want to give up as it doesn't seem to be clicking, some of these posts are giving me hope!

idontlikealdi · 30/04/2016 21:30

Can you sell the manual and get an auto, honesty they are so easy. I am not a brilliant driver but I like driving my auto.

Amy214 · 30/04/2016 21:38

Idontlikealdi im the opposite i cant stand autos its probably because im used to driving a manual. i find myself constantly trying to change gear and at the same time i nearly fly through the windscreen pressing the 'clutch' which is in fact the brakes im sure i would get used to it after a while but i love my manual

CheshireChat · 30/04/2016 22:15

Amy214 the airbag is off, the car seat simply didn't fit in my FIL's car in the back. Also I thought children should be kept as long as possible in each car seat (stage) so he's only been moved to the forward facing seat (in the back) recently.

CheshireChat · 30/04/2016 22:17

Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong we don't have a car anymore so this is an academical discussion.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2016 22:25

Driving is a basic life skill. People without licenses are right royal pita.... (sorry for any I offend.. I have several good friends that think driving is an optional extra... Meanwhile I am taxi driver?.!)

Many people find it nerve wracking... You don't properly learn to drive until way after you've passed your test.

So get your test... In parallel ask to be referred to some cbt sessions via your gp. You will be fine... It just needs some helping along!

You'll be a far safer driver than 90% of other people on the road!

MohammedLover · 30/04/2016 22:42

DarlingCoffee I would recommend The Institute of Advanced Motorists. It's about £100 for a year and you can have a session everyday if desired. I found it was much better than Pass Plus and it helps with bringing down the cost of insurance. However the added confidence you'll experience when driving afterwards is priceless.

DarlingCoffee · 01/05/2016 04:15

Thank you so much MohammedLover I haven't heard of them but will look into it! Much appreciated.

GamingGirl · 01/05/2016 07:41

Don't let your anxiety win by giving up!
It took me 17 years to pass my test because of my anxiety. 3 tests and lots of money later and I've been driving 4 years now. I still get anxious when I drive to new places (fear of the unknown) but I just get on with it and it's always fine.
Good luck with your test.

stairway · 01/05/2016 07:56

I failed 8 times and found learning to drive the most scary and stressful thing I have ever done.
Two years down the line I can now drive most places except the m25.
I'm so proud of myself for continuing despite the terror.
I've never had an accident touch wood but the first year of driving on my own had me sweating for sure.
Only practice will help you conquer your fear. I would get insured on your husband's car and get him to take you driving every single day.

summerainbow · 01/05/2016 08:44

You are learning g to drive for you not please anyone else. You are learning to drive so and daughter can have fun . This was what driving instructor told me . Over and over again . We would do some driving them stop get out she would have smoke and chat to me . It worked she got me though it . On test 5. Do it for you . You will be free of your mum and DP and able to do what you want .

Amy214 · 01/05/2016 20:40

Chesirechat i kept my dd in a rear facing seat until she was 9months but i had to swap her to forward facing as it kept making her sick. I was always scared incase the airbag came flying out even if it was switched off (after all it would only be doing its job) front airbags can come out at upto 160mph and are designed to inflate fast and outwards whereas the airbags (curtain airbags) in the back come out in a downward motion and are there to protect your head from side impacts and incase you roll over. You can get rear facing seats that can also be used as forward facing ones aswell that can be used from birth. Dds seat now is an isofix one and forward facing and can used until she is 4 she is tall so i hope she doesnt outgrow this one too fast.

Magicpaintbrush · 01/05/2016 21:12

I couldn't read and not post - I know exactly how you feel. The fear I had of driving was overwhelming, I would go as far as to describe it as a phobia. Before lessons I would feel physically sick, shakey, sweaty palms and would find it very hard to sleep the night before. It took me 4 tries to pass my tesr, then I didn't drive for 12 years, had a baby and realised how limited her life would be if I didn't drive, so I forced myself to take a refresher course. Although I hated it at the time I am so glad I made myself do it. Over time it does get easier I promise, and the fear and anxiety gradually melt away. You have to give yourself time and be patient, but it will happen. People said this to me and I didn't believe them but they were right. I agree with others about getting an automatic - not having to think about changing gear would be one less thing to worry about. Would your husband be willing to change his car for an automatic which you can both use? It would be to his benefit in the long run. I would never have conquered my fear of driving for myself but for my child I screwed up an extra bit of coursge I didn't know I had, and I suspect you would ve the same. Put it this way, if I didn't drive my child wouldn't be going to her current school but to the nearest walkable obe which we didn't like, she wouldn't be able to go to swimming lessons, brownies, play dates, birthday parties or visit her grandparents - without my car none if that would be possible for her. Don't give up. Trust me, one day you will be so relieved that you stuck with it, it will change your life. You won't always feel this horrible at the thought of driving - it just seems like it now. Once you have passed just start with short simple journeys, and when you are familiar and comfortable with those gradually build up the routes you do. Good luck :-)

Magicpaintbrush · 01/05/2016 21:15

Sorry about my terrible spelling!! Phone!!

crayfish · 01/05/2016 22:43

This thread is so helpful, I am in the same boat but I have passed my test albeit 15 years ago. I passed 4th time after learning for four years on and off and have only driven about five times since, because I am reduced to a shaking, sweaty, tearful mess.

My DS is 9 months old and I am desperate to be able to drive. I love walking and while I have been on mat leave I haven't had a problem but when he starts nursery/school etc I am going to have to do something. It is a phobia for me I think, I obviously could drive well enough to pass my test at least, but the fear gas paralysed me ever since.

We have a huge estate car (I say 'we' as the car is actually mine in name, although DH is the only one who drives it!) and the size puts me off even more. If I could afford a tiny automatic I am convinced it would help but we can't.

Dowser · 01/05/2016 23:01

Do stick in. This year my DH lost his driving licence thanking to a small stroke wiping out half of his vision.

Thank god I can drive. Not loving it but am grateful for the fact our lives haven't changed too much.

Everyone needs to be able to drive they really do.

Where we live it's 40 mins in the car to get my husband to his syntonic treatment in the nearest city . How long on the bus and train...1 hour and a half each.

Public transport is a joke in this country!

thecatsarecrazy · 01/05/2016 23:48

I've been taking lessons on and off, failed my test, let my theory run out and even bought a car and ended up scraping it. My dad keeps asking when I'm going to try again but I just cant get it. I can drive on the road ok but can't park and just can't get it

BertieBotts · 02/05/2016 00:11

Amy there is no law pertaining to children sitting in the front seat in the UK. You can't use a rear facing seat in the front unless the airbag can be disabled.

katsopolis · 02/05/2016 00:14

You can do it.

If you think it will help- go to your GP and see if there is anything they can give you for nerves for your driving test. My instructor told me to get beta blockers and my GP was happy to prescribe them. First attempt I took kalms and it just didn't work. Second time I sailed through.

It has been a life changer. Can go wherever I wanted, whenever I want.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/05/2016 08:59

I would try an automatic in your shoes. It is miles easier and you clearly are struggling. You can always swap DH's car for an automatic if it works out. It doesn't need to be expensive.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/05/2016 09:05

Crayfish - small carsare also a lot easier to drive. I'd suggest you have a few refresher lessons in an automatic and then swap DH's car for a smaller automatic. It will be better for him if you can drive too. This goes OP too if her DH has a big car.

Amy214 · 02/05/2016 11:10

BertieBotts i still would not travel with a child in the front because they are safer in the back. That front airbag is designed to come out at over 100mph even if you have turned it off whos to say it wont come out just because you have flicked a switch? You hear about people who have been in head on collisions and theyre airbag hasnt worked. If the car seat doesnt fit in the back you find one that does. I have had a 2 door car so i know the struggle of climbing over seats to get a seat in.

Amy214 · 02/05/2016 11:22

Bertiebotts "It may be possible to de-activate the passenger airbag, although this means that any adult passenger sitting in the front will no longer have the extra protection offered by the airbag.

Check with the car manufacturer and follow their advice. You should also consult your insurance company before deactivating an airbag."

BertieBotts · 02/05/2016 11:26

You're correct it's less safe but there is no law about it.

Feawen · 02/05/2016 12:05

I didn't pass my test until the fourth go, when was in my mid twenties, after failing three times aged 18 then giving up for many years. When I started lessons again I told my instructor that I wanted to be a good, safe driver before I would even think about taking my driving test.

What scared me before was the emphasis on passing the test, rather than being safe and knowing what to do in different situations on the road. By the time I passed my test I was already a decent driver. It took about 6 months of regular lessons but was so worth it and I actively like driving now. Could you take the pressure off yourself a bit by forgetting about the test and just concentrating on learning to be a good driver for a few months? It isn't impossible for the vast majority but it is A complex skill and a big responsibility. I didn't want to pass either until I knew I was as safe as I could be on the roads.

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