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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Preschool parent rang to invite her daughter to my daughters birthday party

95 replies

LondonDove · 29/04/2016 16:56

Had the weirdest message on my phone this morning. Am stunned and not sure what to do.

I work full time so I don't meet the other preschool parents. I left invites with the staff for the children my daughter said she played with so she can have a good party in a few weeks time. We have a number limit as we have an entertainer booked.
So the message was from a mum who had got my number from another preschool mum - goodness knows who as none of them have my number! And in it she asked me for the details of the party as she'd heard there was 'a pile of invites' and her daughter wanted to go.
AIBU reasonable to think she went too far? A note in my daughters bag maybe but to call me and ask for an invitation. What would you do?
Btw I had actually asked the staff for a few more names as the cousins can't go, and her daughters was one of them. So there was a second round of invites which she clearly hasn't seen and which she is part of.

Are we expected to invite everyone these days?

OP posts:
JewryMember · 29/04/2016 21:19

I like this woman's style.

BombadierFritz · 29/04/2016 21:23

Manages to sound pushy!
Come on - if most of us were doing it, it'd be a whole lot of 'terribly sorry ... possibly lost ... would you mind awfully ...' . Not pushy at all. This mum is definitely worth inviting - am dying for mn update on her awfulness

RabbitSaysWoof · 29/04/2016 21:25

What you did is absolutely fine and normal.
This.

PenguinsAreAce · 29/04/2016 21:28

Op, honestly you have done nothing wrong.

I have 4x DCs, aged nursery up to yr 6. There have been many parties. There have been basically no dramas over parties that I can remember. The parents who make the dramas, are the ones who end up with the kids with friendship issues.

Sometimes odd situations arise... Maybe it's you who goes on a play date with your child, and then you realise the mum didn't actually want you there, just your child (yep, that was me). Maybe your child insists they're invited to a party, but no invitation, so you have to approach the other mum somehow, trying to make it clear you don't mind either way, you're just trying to find out what happened (also me).

Please try not to let these situations bother you. Sometimes they are a little awkward. Sometimes you get it wrong, sometimes the other parent does. Kindness, good grace, a bit of humour, and being willing to shrug and move on will stand you in good stead. After all we are all just making it up as we go along!

In this case, I would find it a bit strange, but she was invited anyway, so simply provide the details and forget it.

We have given out invitations in the playground, and my children have taken them in and the TA has put them in book bags. Never invited the whole class. Have also had situations where more people needed inviting as loads couldn't come. We have also invited an extra child on occasion when one of mine told me someone was sad. We have had uninvited siblings (smiled, scraped together a party bag, offered food and cake). Heck, we have twice invited children labelled as unsavoury, or bullies by the other parents who questioned whether they were coming. They all behaved fine and said thanks at the end. Hopefully we have not offended people, if so I have never been aware and my kids still have friends.

Don't sweat the small stuff, it's a long time until the party phase is over.

Turbinaria · 29/04/2016 21:46

OP be careful of the sharp elbowed parents. It's party invites and playdates now then requests for job experience and internships later Wink

JerryFerry · 29/04/2016 21:58

Storm in a teacup. You have invited her dd and she wants to come. Stop looking for drama where there isn't any.

Rainbunny · 29/04/2016 21:58

Did OP figure out how she got her phone number yet? I would find that a bit disconcerting tbh. If I called somebody after getting their number from another source I would start off by saying "I got your number from so and so, I hope you don't mind."

BeaArthursUnderpants · 29/04/2016 23:22

OP I don't know if this is working mom guilt talking or what, but all of this has very little to do with the fact that you work. Believe me I can relate to everything you're saying but you are cmaking it harder than it needs to be. A quick aside with a teacher or aftercare worker is an easy way to find out the norms at your school around party invitations. Weekends/bank holidays are a great time for play dates with children of other working parents. As you know you can reach out to them by asking staff to put a note in the backpack. Personally I save a day of leave each term to make sure I f h Also IME other parents may be open to kid-free evening drinks. Also, every school I know of has occasional events/parties/performances where parents are invited in-- have you attended none of those? It's not a crime if you haven't but the point is by this time in the year you have literally not met one other parent in the class, that's by choice. Not handing out second-round invites is basic social etiquette where I'm from.

Also, for what it's worth, if there are really 40+ kids in one class, I doubt most people invite everyone but might I suggest finding a new nursery. That's not remotely appropriate for preschool age children and I'm not sure if it's even legal.

scallopsrgreat · 29/04/2016 23:53

I'm quite surprised at some of the replies here. What you've done is exactly what has been done at our nursery for the past six years we've been going. You don't have to invite everyone. You've asked the staff who your child plays with and invited accordingly. All perfectly normal. I have no idea if people do 2nd rounds and nor would I care. Can't see what's unreasonable about that. IME the children don't give a toss/are blissfully unaware of the politics around party invites.

As for the mother, a bit forward maybe but I suspect that she thought (for whatever reason) her daughters invite had gone walk about. As Bombadier says , you've got to invite her now Grin.

ChocolateStash · 30/04/2016 00:18

We've seen enough threads on mn to know, that it is not nice to find out, rightly or wrongly, that your dc is the only child, not invited to the party. At preschool age, dc don't understand why they are not invited. I hate playground politics. It may appear the mum was rude, I think she was brave to ask for the invitation. She could do like lots of other mums - sit at home, agonising over how upset her dd is and not understand why her dd was excluded, possibly even post a thread about it on mn.

scallopsrgreat · 30/04/2016 00:29

From the sounds of it though there are plenty of children not invited. One or two children not invited and you'd have a really good point Chocolate.

AbernathysFringe · 30/04/2016 00:32

I always thought if it's a party and they're under the age of telling you who their friends are, invite everyone. If it's an outing and expensive just take two best friends maybe

Waltermittythesequel · 30/04/2016 00:34

Plenty of us on here work full time, OP. I don't think the whole world is against you Hmm

ChocolateStash · 30/04/2016 00:42

Our preschool does a party in preschool (parents supply cake or buns/treats).There is only family parties at home, so no one gets upset and it works out nicely because no one is excluded.

Resurgam2016 · 30/04/2016 10:36

Roll on the time when a couple of pizzas and non stop tablet constitutes a party for you. It will happen. Grin

arethereanyleftatall · 30/04/2016 11:15

Op, the reason school events are often in the day time, is because that's when 4 year olds are awake.

LondonDove · 30/04/2016 15:30

The school events I mean are the ones for the parents eg come in and learn about Internet safety or how to help your children enjoy reading more. Usually at 10.30 or other time impossible for some with 20 days leave per year.

OP posts:
SpiceAddict · 30/04/2016 16:21

OP when did you give the second round of invites to the nursery? It's possible that one of the staff mentioned that her DD was now invited, but didn't actually hand out the invitation yet.

The mother may have thought it was a good idea to let you know that her DD would like to come and to ensure that she knew the details so that she could make arrangements eg childcare, transport. It could be he case that she has holidays and her DD is not attending next week, so she can't get the invite. There could be a variety of reasons that she wanted to be organised and find out the details now, assuming that she knows that her DD is being invited.

Her answerphone message may have come out 'wrong', lots of people are uncomfortable leaving messages and get flustered.

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and call her back to clarify the situation.

diddl · 30/04/2016 16:43

I also wonder who told her that there was "a pile of invitations" & why?

Sounds as if they were trying to suggest that her daughter was the only one not invited.

Or that it was a free for all-those who picked up an invitation could go!

Rainbunny · 30/04/2016 17:20

Diddl - I also wonder why a teacher or other parent would have said "there's a pile of invitations" it is an odd way to describe it. As I mentioned earlier, I wonder how the mother got OP's phone number in the first place as OP said that no other parent had it and the school staff shouldn't be giving out parents contact information. I'm guessing the mother spoke a parent whose child was invited and I'm assuming OP's phone number is on the invite? Still, rude and pushy to call assuming her dd was invited or as I suspect trying to force OP's hand to make sure her dd is invited.

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