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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Preschool parent rang to invite her daughter to my daughters birthday party

95 replies

LondonDove · 29/04/2016 16:56

Had the weirdest message on my phone this morning. Am stunned and not sure what to do.

I work full time so I don't meet the other preschool parents. I left invites with the staff for the children my daughter said she played with so she can have a good party in a few weeks time. We have a number limit as we have an entertainer booked.
So the message was from a mum who had got my number from another preschool mum - goodness knows who as none of them have my number! And in it she asked me for the details of the party as she'd heard there was 'a pile of invites' and her daughter wanted to go.
AIBU reasonable to think she went too far? A note in my daughters bag maybe but to call me and ask for an invitation. What would you do?
Btw I had actually asked the staff for a few more names as the cousins can't go, and her daughters was one of them. So there was a second round of invites which she clearly hasn't seen and which she is part of.

Are we expected to invite everyone these days?

OP posts:

anotherdayanothersquabble · 29/04/2016 17:30

When my son was at nursery there was exactly the situation described above, general invitation to all, flyers on the side in the nursery room.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2016 17:35

Depending on how many children you left out during the original invites, if her dd was the only one, and she'd come on here to rant, she would have been fully supported.
Rule is you invite all or half/less. Which you might well have done, I dunno!

BeaArthursUnderpants · 29/04/2016 17:39

It does sound odd, and I don't think you have to invite everyone as long as you've invited less than half of the class. However, IME the general rule is you don't send invites to school unless you've invited the whole class. Since most people tend to go by that I can see why this lady thought her child was included. Not even sure what to say about doing a "second round" of invitations, and again through school.

Frankly, I also find it unusual to rely on a 3 or 4 year old's say-so on which kids to invite. At that age I would book a party that could accommodate the whole class or just privately invite a few children whose parents I already know.

Originalfoogirl · 29/04/2016 17:44

How is it rude to invite some but not all? It used to wind me up, we'd get invites for children's parties and when asked, our daughter had no idea which child it was, or more often it was a child she didn't spend any time with. There was one time in particular, one of her friends was having a party and she was adamant our daughter would be coming. They talked about it for weeks. The invites came out and our daughter wasn't invited. I checked with the nursery staff, just because I was worried the invite had gone missing and the mum had said she was only inviting those children who were in the preschool group (the room was a 3 -5 age group) because numbers were limited. I just explained to our daughter, the party was for the bigger girls. Sure she was disappointed, but to say she felt "excluded" is a bit of a stretch.

For 5th birthday, the venue was limited to 20 children. There were 26 in the nursery class, and we had other children to ask, so some weren't invited. 5 of the children she was least good friends with, accepted but didn't bother turning up. 2 didn't even bother RSVPing.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2016 17:46

Just say that you will hand her invite to her when you next see her, as you have said her dd name is in the second round of invites.

FastWindow · 29/04/2016 17:46

I think anotherday has the simple truth of it.

MangoBiscuit · 29/04/2016 17:47

I'd probably message back along the lines of "Did we miss the details off of your DDs invite?" And when she says she hasn't received it yet "Oh! Sorry, I assumed you had because you knew your DD was invited! Not to worry, I'm sure it'll arrive soon. The details are..."

Original poster

LondonDove · 29/04/2016 17:49

Okay. Seems like there's a few 'rules' I didn't know. It's a minefield.

Hard to invite a few whose parents we know when we both work full time and we don't know anyone at all. We are not local and I thought it would be a good way to get to know people who we might end up having play dates with in the future. Hence seeing who she plays with.

It's all very well saying only invite people for a small party if you know the parents but that's making the big assumption that you can meet the parents. I don't see why my DD shouldn't have friends at her party because I'm too busy to meet parents and too poor to invite the whole preschool.

I guess when the cousins couldn't go I shouldn't have invited any more children but I wasn't really thinking about people feeling snubbed. I just thought it might be nice to meet a few more people...

Looking forward to the glass of wine when it's over already

OP posts:

JuxtapositionRecords · 29/04/2016 17:53

I didn't know people did 'second round of invites' tbh. Poor kids being on the reserve list, that probably feels worse than not being invited at all!

It is a strange thing to do but maybe was a mix up and she got told by staff, another parent etc and misunderstood. Why not just call her back and speak to her?

Original poster

LondonDove · 29/04/2016 17:54

I think you're right. I'm going to stop worrying she's a major helicopter parent and hope that she's just reaching out.

OP posts:

BombadierFritz · 29/04/2016 17:56

She wont be. She'll be really weird. Definitely invite her then let us know. Bet she tries to find out all about your dd eg reading ability

Teapot13 · 29/04/2016 17:57

I agree it's rude to call and ask for an invitation but it's also very rude to distribute invitations in a nursery/primary school setting and not invite everyone. You need to put them in the post or something to avoid people finding out who aren't invited.

Letseatgrandma · 29/04/2016 17:57

I wouldn't invite her on principle for being so cheeky! But I'm horrible!!

RainbowPickle · 29/04/2016 17:58

It's nice to actually get a parent confirming/Rsvp'ing a party. Usually we get no response from a handful of parents or a vague I think we can make it.

RaeSkywalker · 29/04/2016 17:59

Ah, well if you're inviting her DD anyway then just forget it.

What would worry me is whether the pre-school gave her your number.

OohMavis · 29/04/2016 18:02

I agree - she probably knew of the invite and was reaching out to you directly for details as per nursery staff's instructions or something. I don't think many people would ring up to invite their child to another child's birthday party!

rollonthesummer · 29/04/2016 18:09

I'm confused. Had you given her an invite which she'd somehow not been given or is she on a B list but you haven't actually given the invite out yet?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 29/04/2016 18:14

I'm confused. I read the op as saying the child had got an invite, in the second batch? So she's not inviting herself?

MaryPopped · 29/04/2016 18:18

whole class parties at that age are a nightmare. I'd try to keep it to under 15 invites though so that in a 30 child class, you can still claim it was just a few of the kids. But 30 5 year olds plus the inevitable siblings and people you didn't invite would be maddddnessss. As it was my son was in tears at his 5th birthday party as he couldnt hadn't all of the commotion.

NancyJoan · 29/04/2016 18:22

Re the etiquette of inviting all, once your daughter gets to school, rather than pre-school nursery, it's usual to either invite the class (and hand out the invitations at school) or just a handful of chosen friends (discretely, not at the school gate).

I think it's ill-mannered to invite nearly all, but not all. So, in a class of 25, inviting just 10 is fine, but inviting 20 is mean.

All just my opinion, of course.

Notso · 29/04/2016 18:26

...it's also very rude to distribute invitations in a nursery/primary school setting and not invite everyone. You need to put them in the post or something to avoid people finding out who aren't invited.

It's not rude to this. Do you really expect your child to be invited to every single party held?
School can't give out people's addresses and approaching other parents in the playground asking for their address is just as obvious as giving an invitation and virtually impossible for some parents including OP anyway.

Original poster

LondonDove · 29/04/2016 18:28

(Sigh) this mess was not intended to slight anyone but retrospectively I can see how it would look that way. The 2nd lot only just went out as I only just worked out I could invite another 5 kids and finally had a chance to ask the key worker for some names. I feel bad now.

But from her POV when she made the call, she thought her daughter didn't have an invite. The message totally sounded like she was inviting her daughter to my daughters party and she wanted the details.. With a now please kind of tone.

I think I'm overreacting a bit having read some of your posts and actually feel really bad that people might have felt slighted.

In my defence I get very little time and I just wanted to get the invites out before time ran away with me. I should have asked the cousins first and then worked out how many spaces I had left for pre school. I should then have asked the key worker for a list of names. But those things didn't happen. Instead I did it half back to front.

I still don't think I'm unreasonable to not invite 40 odd kids or to hand them to the staff to give out though. I do not see the preschool parents who start at 9 as my DD joins the breakfast club at 8am and stays for the after school club until 6pm while preschoolers finish at 3. So what am I supposed to do? Seems like I'm supposed to be a miracle worker - or get the staff to break the law and give me the other parents details so I can post invites!!

For context, older DS usually gets invites in his school bag as I can't do the school gate and barely know a handful of the other mums to say hello to even after two years. So I thought 'in the bag' was a normal way to give out invites.

OP posts:

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 29/04/2016 18:31

How many did you invite?

Original poster

LondonDove · 29/04/2016 18:34

Including the now-agreed to be rude (shame-faced) 2nd round... 14

OP posts:

midlifehope · 29/04/2016 18:43

she was probably given the number by the nursery teacher as you asked them for more names - this is the risk you take when you unsubtly hand out invites at nursery to half the class - can't you see how mean that looks? If you want to have a selective party - don't be so public about it - It's rubbing their noses in it! Try a private facegroup invite or something rather than appearing with invites for all to see next time.

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