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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you felt about trying for a second child?

50 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 29/04/2016 15:32

When I had DS1 he was well planned ahead (I had a lot of health issues that had to be addressed first) and when we finally got the all clear to TTC we were over the moon, really excited and when I fell pregnant it was just fantastic.

Now we are thinking about DC and for some reason the same level of excitement and anticipation just isn't there. It seems like the decision to have DC2 is a practical one (completion of family, providing a sibling etc) whereas the decision to have DS was a really big deal to us both.

AIBU to think if the same level of excitement isn't there for DC2 than it was for DS then perhaps it's a sign that we shouldn't have another baby?

I did fall pregnant in February with planned DC2 but then miscarried at about 5/6 weeks and I did wonder if it happened because as extremely happy as I was, I hadn't felt the same level of excitement I had when I'd had my BFP with DS. I know that's stupid logic though

OP posts:

99percentchocolate · 29/04/2016 15:36

I didn't feel overly excited either. I had a terrible first pregnancy and although we knew we wanted another baby the thought of being pregnant again was terrifying. The excitement does come though after a while, just not necessarily whilst TTC

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 08:31

Thank you, I suppose I just thought that unless I was excited about DC2 in the same way I was for DS1 then it somehow meant DC2 wasn't wanted as much.

I don't know if "wanting to give DS a sibling" is a good enough reason to have another baby....

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CigarsofthePharoahs · 30/04/2016 08:36

I was less excited, but also less nervous. Having been through it all once before, it didn't feel like it had the same "wow" factor. I still very much wanted a 2nd child though.
I am very certain I don't want a 3rd though!

WordGetsAround · 30/04/2016 08:39

I know what you mean, and felt the same, but I think it's completely natural. With DC1, you are planning a whole life change - going from just the two of you to a family. No 2 is usually not such a massive change - more a continuation of something you've already started.

I am not a massively maternal person, but have always hoped for a large family. Getting pregnant and having babies is a (relatively short) means to an end, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. On DC3 now, but I know if we go for DC4, it'll be, 'take a deep breath and get through it'!

Hopelass · 30/04/2016 08:41

Sorry for your loss I can totally empathise; also not as excited here. Am 15 weeks with no. 2 and forget I'm pg most of the time! Also it felt like more of a mission to get pg to complete the family rather than the excitement of first time. I feel really guilty now putting it down like that; of course we are over the moon to be expecting no. 2 and can't wait to see what they bring to our little family.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 08:48

I just feel so conflicted about it all. After the miscarriage DH was really keen to start trying again where's I just didn't want to.

A few weeks ago a job opportunity came up which I initially wasn't going to go for as I was still in such a fragile, emotional place, but in the end I decided to go for it. In my head I told myself that if I got the job, then great, but if not perhaps I could go back to thinking about TTC DC2 again.

I had the interview yesterday, I didn't get it, I was disappointed and then like an automated response I thought, "Well lets TTC again then."

But surely, if I really wanted DC2 then it would have been my first choice option as opposed to being the runner up prize because I didn't get the job?

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MyBreadIsEggy · 30/04/2016 08:49

I'm pregnant with DC2 at the moment, and as horrible as it sounds, it feels like I don't have the time to be excited because I spend every waking moment running around after DD (12mo)! We went to the 12 week scan, and had to take DD with us, she was grumpy because it was almost lunchtime, so rather than have a few minutes be all "aaaahh" over the new baby on the screen, it was more like "I really hope the sonographer is quick", and we did the whole "aaaahh baby" thing over the pictures later!

eurochick · 30/04/2016 09:02

Writer, I understand exactly where you are coming from. We'd be doing it to give her a sibling more than for us. I think partly it's knowing what you are letting yourself in for!

SanityClause · 30/04/2016 09:12

Don't have another child for the sake of the one you already have.

It is a myth that only children are lonely/weird/unhappy/whatever, because they are only children. (DH was an unhappy only child, but with his parents, would have had an unhappy childhood, however many siblings he had.)

In fact, only children are often very happy, and well-adjusted.

Having said that, I always wanted two girls. (I was very close as a child to my sister, and hoped I could have two DDs who would have that same closeness.) When I was pregnant with my second DD, I could not imagine loving her as much as the first. My concerns were not for the new baby, but how DD1 would adjust to the new baby. IME, that baby doesn't truly become a person to you, until they are born.

So, don't be put off having more, either, if it's what you really want!

Summerblaze100 · 30/04/2016 09:17

Nothing is as exciting as having your first child. I was excited about every aspect and was in awe of DD when she was born.

Of course, I was over the moon when I found out I was pregnant with #2, #3 and currently with #4 and when my 2 DS's were born but it isn't the same level of excitement and wonder. You've done it before. That doesn't mean at all that you won't love your new child completely and be filled with love for the new little one you are holding and that it isn't the right thing for your family.

It's probably like seeing something you've always wanted to see like the Statue of Liberty or the Great Wall of China. You are super impressed and excited to be there. If you visited again you would still enjoy it and be impressed but it wouldn't be the same as the first time you saw it.

Bambambini · 30/04/2016 09:21

My first wasn't really planned but i had always thought that i would at least have 2 as i never wanted an only. No 2 was completey planned. I agree, not really excited about it or anything. I think i was a little stressed thinking about dealiing with another new born (dc1 has been really difficult) along with a 3 yr old. Also worried about their dynamics and how I could love another child as much as my first.

puglife15 · 30/04/2016 09:31

You may just need more time, don't rush yourself after a MC.

Or you may not be bothered about having another. More and more people are choosing to have only one child.

I would recommend not having another unless you really want one yourself. I found 2nd pregnancy a lot tougher, and dealing with two is much harder and you get much less time. There's no guarantee they'll like each other and the last thing you want is to feel resentful.

puglife15 · 30/04/2016 09:32

Also: NOTHING YOU DID OR THOUGHT CAUSED THE MISCARRIAGE.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 09:40

Thank you Pug, I did go through a stage of feeling like the miscarriage happened because I didn't deserve the baby as I wasn't shouting about it from the roof tops.

My DH was always the one who was happy with just one DC and to be honest, so was I at first, but when DS hit about 15 months I started to crave another. I spoke to DH about it a few times but his stance never changed but out of the blue last December he said that actually he would like another and so we made the decision to TTC again.

We fell pregnant on the first cycle, it all happened so quickly, it was like a whirlwind and I do wonder if that's why I wasn't too excited, I don't even think it sunk in. When I told DH I had miscarried he was really upset and cried.

I was tracking my cycles over the last 2 months to see if my patterns were settling down and when I got a positive OPK last week I felt nostalgic for what could have been and for a few seconds I did envisage trying again.

Maybe my reluctance is just because I'm scared it will happen again. Having the miscarriage certainly took the gleam off the happiness of pregnancy.

I think I will talk to my DH about it tonight and see what page he's on.

OP posts:

Snoringlittlemonkey · 30/04/2016 09:45

Pug is right you didn't do anything to cause the MC it was just nature. It's hard to wrap your head around that (been there got the t-shirt) but it isn't.

I'm currently pregnant with #2 and it's so much more business like than the first. As pp said it's more about family planning than an amazing first time experience. That said now I know the sex of the baby I'm getting excited because it's different to my first.

Is there any need to rush? Give yourself some head space and think about what you really want, then decide.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 09:54

We're just aware of our ages (much more an issue for my DH, he doesn't want to be an "old dad") and we see also aware of the growing age gap and DS has just turned two.

OP posts:

Frazzled2207 · 30/04/2016 10:07

But different but when we go pg with dc1 I was absolutely ecstatic because we'd been ttc for so long.
A year after he was born we weren't exactly ttc but stopped using precautions because although we did want dc2 we assumed we wouldn't get pregnant for ages and boom, got pg straight away.
I wasn't anyway near as happy/excited in this pregnancy because I was mostly panicked about how I'd cope with 2 babies at once.
Now that dc2 is here though, I adore them both completely equally.

pocketsized · 30/04/2016 10:21

I think some of it is also being much more aware of what you are letting yourself in for! Pregnant with dc #2 at the moment, and whilst with dc #1 I was estate and picturing all the wonderful things that we could do with a baby (that turned out to be totally unrealistic) I am now slightly panicking about getting even less sleep, and how I'm ever going to get anything done with two!

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 19:14

I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and TTC - I don't want to get 5 years down the line and regret we didn't have another.

OP posts:

icanteven · 30/04/2016 19:23

It's a very different set of emotions. For us, I didn't expect to get pregnant for the 2nd time so quickly when we made the decision. Well, I say we - I said fairly casually that we should have no. 2 and was pregnant within about a week.

DH hadn't really thought it through when he said okay, because he thought it would be several months before anything happened anyway - it seemed a bit vague and my periods hadn't come back yet either. So there was less excitement in the sense that there was less anticipation - there was just an actual pregnancy right away!

Miscarriages are very personal things in that they take everyone differently and you have to give yourself the time you need. There's no "right" time to try again.

Ifiwasabadger · 30/04/2016 19:28

As a very very happy only child, married to a man who hates his siblings and is estranged from them, please don't have another child to give your first a sibling....

museumum · 30/04/2016 19:31

I don't particularly want a dc2.

Everyone keeps saying ds "needs" a sibling but I'm not really comfortable with that as a reason to create a human being who ds may not even like or might not like ds.

I think ds will be an only.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 20:07

My DH would be quite happy for DS to be an only. He himself has a brother but they have no contact with each other and maybe see each other once a year at Christmas. He comes from a very estranged family really as although he has aunts, uncles and cousins he has nothing to do with them either.

I on the other hand come from a very large, close family and I incidentally love the bones of my sister.

I do think our own backgrounds are influencing our thoughts.

OP posts:

thenappyslayer · 30/04/2016 20:16

Well said SanityClause

PinkParsnips · 30/04/2016 20:17

I totally get where you are coming from, I'm pregnant with our 2nd (20 weeks) and haven't had any feeling of excitement yet tbh. We don't even speak about it much day to day, we're so busy with work, DD etc. Plus as I said to a friend there's none of the excited wondering about what having a baby will be like, how will you do this or that, because you already know!
Sorry to hear about your loss

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