To ask how you felt about trying for a second child?

[Writerwannabe83]

When I had DS1 he was well planned ahead (I had a lot of health issues that had to be addressed first) and when we finally got the all clear to TTC we were over the moon, really excited and when I fell pregnant it was just fantastic.

Now we are thinking about DC and for some reason the same level of excitement and anticipation just isn't there. It seems like the decision to have DC2 is a practical one (completion of family, providing a sibling etc) whereas the decision to have DS was a really big deal to us both.

AIBU to think if the same level of excitement isn't there for DC2 than it was for DS then perhaps it's a sign that we shouldn't have another baby?

I did fall pregnant in February with planned DC2 but then miscarried at about 5/6 weeks and I did wonder if it happened because as extremely happy as I was, I hadn't felt the same level of excitement I had when I'd had my BFP with DS. I know that's stupid logic though

Feeling the same as you writer! Feels like we would be happy as a little family of three but longing for another, have changed job in last year but feeling like another baby would rock the boat too much and I also feel like it would be a massive shift in favour of me not working full time as I do now should we have a 2nd. Just don't know what I want....

Currently 18 weeks pregnant with DC2. The first time round it was so exciting to be pregnant (apart from horrible morning sickness). Everything was new. Although I was working full time I had a lot more time to day dream about the future and a lot more stuff to buy.

Second time round I was pleased when I got my positive test but sickness kicked in pretty early and am only just feeling human again. I think my thoughts are just much more focused on my DD(19 months old) which I think is natural. There is much less to plan for - have most things will need already. I know I really want a second child but sometimes I look at the lovely life we have with my pretty easy going DD and wonder why I am risking rocking the boat.

I wouldn't take your reaction to your pregnancy as a sign - I think that's pretty common. Good luck whatever you decide.

Writer why would it be the baby or the job?
Commiserations on your miscarriage, but please know that how you felt did not cause it.
Adding a second is a big life change, and you should be sure you both want it. I saw your name crop up a lot on sleep threads with your first, sounds like you had a tough time. I would recommend (from experience with a second!) that you make sure you're prepared for it all to happen again.
Having said that I wouldn't change a thing. It is incredibly hard work but my two get on so well.

Ps having said that, there is no reason you would get another poor sleeper. Lots of people have quite different babies, or handle them differently so sorry if my first reply came across very negative.

Wow miffy - you have a good memory regarding the sleep threads When DS was 9 months we paid for the help of a Sleep Consultant because things were so bad and our life improved massively. I would like to think I'd learn from my mistakes if we did have a second...

The reason it was baby or job was because if I got the job it was a role I really wanted to throw myself in to and TTC would have been totally off the agenda, I wouldn't have even considered trying to get pregnant whilst in the new role. But of course, I didn't get the job anyway so now there's no reason why we shouldn't start TTC again.

It just feels weird that TTC was my second choice. If someone had said to me yesterday: "Do you want the job or do you want to be pregnant?" I would have opted to have the job.

So sorry about your loss .

Everything with dd (my second) was much less exciting than with ds (pfb). When we got the positive we just sort of counted forward to how old ds would be. My booking in appointment fell on ds's first birthday so I just wanted it over with. We were going to have a big family get together to announce it but my morning sickness was too bad and I was exhausted so we just told everyone over the phone (and earlier than we would have liked as it was almost Christmas and everyone would have guessed when I wasn't drinking). The scans were just a struggle to sort out childcare. With ds we went on a lovely shopping trip and bought an outfit each, costing a small fortune. No such silliness with a second child!!

All in all not an auspicious start to the poor little mite! But when she was born....I can't even tell you the wave of emotion the instant I set eyes on her. With ds I was in shock so didn't feel that rush of love people talk of straight away but with dd it was like a hurricane. The love doesn't divide between two children, it doubles and then some. I was a ball of anxiety with my first and so much more relaxed with dd, I enjoyed her new born phase so much more.

I think it's just one of those things about a second pregnancy, it just isn't "the first time" for anything. Dd is 9 months now and I still haven't fully sorted out her baby box

Oh Writer, I just remember reading about the sleep issues, I'm afraid you were one of the ones worse-off than me - of course it was not plain-sailing for us which is why I read the sleep threads (still).
I second what Nicky says - I worried to DH that I might not love DD2 as much as DD1. We laugh about that now. She is just such a lovely part of our family, no question about being loved as much. They look similar but are different personalities and get on well.

I recently mc after conceiving month 1 of TTC DC2 and I felt similar - like it had happened a bit too fast to really feel like it was real and it feels really matter of fact to me, like I was just pregnant for a short time, rather than feeling like a loss. My family were far more upset than I was. (I am feeling a bit confused about this). FWIW it was the opposite way around for me - DC1 was unplanned and while I was excited I was also scared and anxious (and young.) Whereas the decision to TTC DC2 was a lot more of an "event" and I did feel so deliriously excited that I could barely sleep and then now I feel a bit in limbo. I was just getting into the whole cycle thing and then had to stop that and move onto the pregnancy bit a bit abruptly, and then that didn't last long - we only really had two days of "This is really happening!" before things started to go wrong.

The MC definitely didn't happen because you weren't excited. It just is one of those crap things that happens. Apparently when it's early it's usually that there is something wrong and the body just somehow recognises this and stops. Especially if you've had a successful pregnancy in the past.

Talk to DH. I think it's normal/okay to be less excited by the arrival of DC2 - you just can't be, for one, because you have so much more to do and think about when you already have a child. But if you want your family to have two children close together then it is a practical decision, and practicality is fine I think. But equally it would be silly to do it just because you feel like you should and have it not really be the right thing. And I echo other posters saying you'll find more love for DC2 magically - everyone worries about this and everyone with two or more DC say that it evaporates when you have them because the love just comes from nowhere!

Oh - and yes it can be nerve wracking to TTC after miscarriage because of the fear of it happening again.

If you like, there is a nice support thread in Conception about TTC after miscarriage where the ladies understand all of these kinds of fears. I read a bit of the previous one and just joined the latest one which has started. If you like statistics, the statistics of having a miscarriage overall are about 1 in 5 or 20%, but the chances of having two in a row is about 2%.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Regarding love for no2 I'd say that was exactly my experience. DC1 was very much planned, DC2 wasn't (although we did want a second baby). I always had to think/work out how pregnant I was and forgot I was pregnant sometimes. I was even a bit sad that something was going to affect all the special 1 to 1 time I got with DC2. I felt like this right up to labour. Then I went into labour and all I cared about was getting DC2 out safely. Now I can't imagine DC2 ever not being in our lives. There's not any less love for DC2, there's just more love all round.

Urgh all the special 1 to 1 time I got with DC1

I have decided to stick with just one and it felt so good to make that decision. I just didn't want to go through it all again just because it's the expected thing to do. We are a happy family of three and she gets to do lots of things and play with different children. I would have been miserable and depressed having another baby on top of everything else.

I have two. A biggish age gap.

The second was different. But I enjoyed it more. I wasn't as desperate for ds to arrive, wasn't counting down the days. I was less giddy, but more chilled out. I didn't worry about how many vests we had and spend 4 consecutive weekends looking at prams and panicking about car seats. I didn't wish the pregnancy away like I did with my first. I didn't wake up in the night wondering how in fact this baby was actually going to get out or stress about labour at all.

I also actually used my Mat leave to rest. With my first when my mat leave started, I did loads at home. Went out alot during the day even though I was knackered. I felt I needed to be doing something. But with my second I knew it was a good time to get rest. I dropped Dd at school, did bits around the house and had a nap most days, watched box sets. Went to mum and dads for quiet coffees.

My first was late and my second was a week early. I can't help wonder if the fact that I chilled out helped him arrive a little early.

Re the sibling comments, I am an only and whilst my childhood wasn't awful by any means it was often lonely, which is why giving our daughter a sibling is a big consideration.

Sorry about the miscarriage Writer.

I am about 9 weeks pregnant with DC2, DD is 17 months. At this stage, I feel rather switched off to the idea of DC2 to be perfectly honest. This pregnancy has been a lot harder so far, and I have a long way to go yet. We tried for a while to conceive DD, and I presumed the same would be true this time but was pregnant within 2 months which was a shock to be honest, feels a bit stupid saying that! I am mainly concerned about how I will cope with 2 little ones and dreading the lack of sleep again, but very excited to see DD with a sibling and know they will have each other to grow up with. DH is much the same, there just isn't the same level of excitement this time round. I do think that will build as time goes though, you are in a different place now to when you were ttc for DC1, and feelings are bound to be different. It does feel really odd though.

I did try for a second child, had two v early miscarriages, and am now approaching third trimester with my second. To be honest, I'm finding it hard to get enthusiastic about this pregnancy whereas I was v strongly bonded to my first at this stage. It doesn't help that everyone seems disappointed that it is a second boy. Which really doesn't help In mustering up any excitement. Usually I'm too busy to even think about it much but I'm off this weekend and have time to feel depressed and a bit guilty, with a little side helping of fear in case I'm tempting fate with this lack of enthusiasm and something happens to what currently seems a healthy pregnancy and baby. I hope this goes away after birth but then I read of stories where it doesn't. Also scared that his very birth will make my first ds less special to people.

Oh re new jobs, I took on a v demanding job but never stopped ttc (my age not in favour of waiting). Absolutely no regrets on that front, even though I got pregnant 2 months in!

Totally understand where you are coming from. With DD1 it was so exciting and looked forward too. Then I had DS and another DD within three and a half years (so three kids really close together). A little less exciting but still good all the same.

Now I'm pregnant with DC4 due 6 and a half years after the last one and it's like DD1 all over again - SO EXCITED to have the baby days again. We have pretty much forgotten what having a new born is like. We gave everything and I mean every thing away after the last baby so have to get it all again. I am back to swooning over tiny baby clothes and making fretting over name books etc.. it's very exciting. The gap did it for us!!

With ds1, we really, really wanted a baby. It was so exciting, taking that step from being a couple to being a family.

With ds2, I didn't actually want a baby as such - but I wanted ds1 to have a sibling, I knew I wanted more than one child, I didn't want a big age gap - so it was more of a 'lets get it done' mentality.

That sounds absolutely awful but hopefully ykwim. And in the long run, it doesn't make any difference to how you feel about the actual child...i'm very glad that we went on to have another.

The gap did it for us!!

September - mine are 8 and 6 now and we'd thought that would be it. BUT we're moving next year, i'm not even 30 yet and we have started to tentatively consider another when we have the space. So there could well be a 10/8 year age gap between my oldest and another.

Even though it's a couple of years off, I feel excited about TTC again in the same kind of way I did the first time. The dc are plenty old enough now to understand (and have mentioned a few times they'd like a baby) so it kind of feels exciting for all four of us this time, rather than just for me and dh!

I could have written much of the OP.

I was tired, scared (after MC) and not excited at the prospect at all. And then I was sick and uncomfortable the entire PG with DC2.

I couldn't imagine life with out her and each day Im thankful I decided to have a 2nd child regardless of not being excited/glowing etc.

My dc2 is four months old and I have a huge gap of six years as it took us ages to get pregnant second time round.
She was obviously hugely wanted but all o felt was anxiety throughout the whole pregnancy which has continued now she's here. I always felt like my family wasn't compete before I had her but now I see it was and also that ds was much much happier as an only. It really has ruined his life at the moment. I'm hoping it gets better.
Much as I adore her and love her and couldn't stand anything happening to her I was way happier before I had her and so was ds.

I had MC and chemical pregnancy between 1 and 2, and it really put the dampeners on any excitement even more... I ended up depressed and anxious and had a pretty shit time during pregnancy tbh - in hindsight it was all triggered by the MC and my fears on how I'd cope with 2. Like you I felt I didn't deserve to be pregnant or happy. But once dc2 was born I felt much better.

Twasthecat

"I'm finding it hard to get enthusiastic about this pregnancy whereas I was v strongly bonded to my first at this stage. It doesn't help that everyone seems disappointed that it is a second boy. Which really doesn't help In mustering up any excitement. Usually I'm too busy to even think about it much but I'm off this weekend and have time to feel depressed and a bit guilty, with a little side helping of fear in case I'm tempting fate with this lack of enthusiasm and something happens to what currently seems a healthy pregnancy and baby."

I could have wriitten that and know how horrible it can feel... Very pleased and relieved to say that those feelings for me have gone completely now ds2 is here, I was petrified I'd get PND but have been fine. There is hope! Ds1 wasn't happy for a while but is in a better place now.

This thread had been so reassuring, it making me see how normal my feelings are though I'm sorry to read the posts those from those who are having emotion struggles

I was going to talk to DH about it tonight but I've only just got in from work, I'm shattered and I just don't think it's the best time to have the conversation. If I'm honest though I'm pretty scared he's going to turn round and say they actually he's changed his mind again and doesn't want to try for another