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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him to stick his offer

67 replies

Iwantmymaidennameback · 28/04/2016 22:55

In the middle of a getting very nasty divorce and would really like to know if IABU.
Married 16 years with 3 DCs. Always been a SAHM with DH quite happy with this as it meant no childcare costs and he never had to worry about having someone to look after DCs whilst he buggered off every week to play his sports.
When DCs started school he agreed to me looking for work, but only on condition that it wasn't weekends, evenings, or school holidays as he wasn't prepared to either step up and do some childcare himself or help pay towards cost of outside childcare.
Anyway, I decided to end the marriage, got divorce started, tried to live in family home during the process, but just couldn't stick it any longer, so moved out. Me and DCs now living in private rented house with 2 bedrooms, no garden and miles from DCs schools. DH meanwhile is still in 4 bed detached house with garden, local park, near schools, etc, and refuses to sell house.
My solicitor has contacted me today to inform me that DH refuses to sell "His" house as I have put no money into it, so it will have to go to court.
He has offered me £10,000.
Honestly, IABU to push for more or has he put me down so often over the past 16 years that I am starting to think he has a point and I put no money in so should get no money out of the divorce.
DCs have settled in quite well TBH but this place is nothing compared to their family home, where their father is now living as a single person.

OP posts:

runningincircles12 · 29/04/2016 09:52

If you have a solicitor, surely he or she is advising you as well as to the reasonableness of the offer?? If so, listen to the advice of your solicitor, who will have seen all the financial disclosure.

But from the facts you have given, yes, it sounds ridiculous. If you don't have an agreement, court is the only option though.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 29/04/2016 10:04

" Ask yourself what will most benefit the children: you having a lesser share or a greater share? Is he more likely to spend that money on things that benefit your children or are you?". LightDrizzle

^^ this and 43percent's post

TheSilveryPussycat · 29/04/2016 10:07

I took mine to court 4 years ago over financial settlement. (I had to, as he a) wouldn't do financial disclosure b) made offers that were unacceptable.)

It imposes a time table, which makes both parties focussed, and helps mentally because there is an end-point. You can continue negotiating (through your solicitors, though my Ex self-repped, so it was my sol and him) at the same time - including outside the courtroom waiting for hearings. You can settle anytime - we did so before the final hearing in the first part of the court process. It was at a meeting at my solicitor's, her, me and Ex. The settlement agreement would then have to be signed off by the court.

It cost me £3,500 of which sol got Ex to pay £500. Solicitor did not want paying (except for court fees) until it was all done and dusted.

TheSilveryPussycat · 29/04/2016 10:09

*through your solicitors - and of course you can negotiate direct - but make offers and couter offers through sol

Mellowautumn · 29/04/2016 10:51

Court

Stormtreader · 29/04/2016 11:17

You need a rottweiler solicitor, you should be getting at least 50% of all assets, and probably more as resident parent.

I would put all thoughts of "oh, I dont need spousal maintenance, a share of the pension, proper child maintenance...." out of your head.
You are entitled to those, they are back wages for all the child care and lost wages you would have gotten from working. They are also not really for YOU, they are to provide your children the best living situation they can have.

Dont put your children in a household where you are just scraping by simply because it seems mean to demand what you are entitled to.

FTS123 · 29/04/2016 11:22

What a knob. I've just finalised divorce and had to take ex to court, refused to do a form e, offers of around £15000....it cost me three years of my life and approx £10k total (lots of that was him racking up my bill by sending my solicitors tens of emails...£900 worth in one week) anyway, got nearly double his offer but I work and with my tax credit and maintenance we have a similar income, but I got 55% of equity and kept my pension (he doesn't have one) so i would say go to court

purplebaglady · 29/04/2016 11:46

You are protected by law. You as a home maker are recognised by law. The minimum you will get is 50%.
The judge will expect you to be working a minimum of 16 hours a week if you have children. You are also entitled to child maintenance calculated by your husbands earnings. You may be entitled to spousal maintenance (usually a fixed term if given).

As you are the resident parent for your children the judge will order him to sell the house and the assets be split. This may mean you get all the equity in the house . If so there is usually an order placed on it so you have to pay him 50% of the value of the house once your youngest child turns 18.

The law is set up to protect the children. First and foremost. You as their man n carer will be enabled to do this.

He doesn't know his stuff, and he wants you to 'go away' as easily as possible.
My advice to you is get legal advice now. And don't be afraid of going to court, it is done fairly.

Next step, see solicitor ASAP. Issue him a formal letter asking for his form E ( legal financial declaration). If he refuses or doesn't reply get your solicitor to issue notice of court proceedings.

Once you've both filled them out you exchange and your solicitor makes a proposal to him for a settlement. This may include spousal maintenance and selling the house. You then have to go for an initial mediation session (legal mediation) on your own. This needs to be considered before a court will accept the case.

purplebaglady · 29/04/2016 11:50

Posted too soon.....
Wishing you and your children well. You will get through this, husbands invariably think they own or all. The law says differently so don't be bullied into settling for less as this is you providing for your children's futures.
Stay strong, get good legal back up and don't panic. It will work out but he has to get his head around what you are entitled to and that's the hard bit.

EveryoneElsie · 29/04/2016 11:55

Why would you believe 'all the money would be swallowed in court fees'?
Why do you think divorces go to court if that were the case?

You need a better solicitor, you want a shark, not a doormat. Let them handle it.

whois · 29/04/2016 12:04

You need a better solicitor, you want a shark, not a doormat. Let them handle it.

This a million times!

KindDogsTail · 29/04/2016 12:07

You need a better solicitor, you want a shark, not a doormat. Let them handle it.

whols

This a million times!

I agree, something doesn't sound right about your solicitor.

wasonthelist · 29/04/2016 13:08

If you want to really terrify him, you could ask for spousal maintenance like my ex wife (we had no kids and she was self-employed) tried to. His lawyer must know his offer is terrible, but as others have said, Court wills swallow a lot - ours cost 32K in legal fees cos we couldn't agree - we never got to the "final" court hearing, just one of the pre-pre-pre buggering about paper-shuffling lawyer ones but it still cost that.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 29/04/2016 13:50

Haha, reminds me of my ex (although short marriage, no DC), all I wanted was half the equity in the house WE BOUGHT TOGETHER (he put the majority of the deposit in, and I was quite happy for his share of that to be protected, I just wanted half of the value of the equity that had been accrued during the marriage, which was substantial), I wasn't interested in pensions etc, I had worked in the marriage on his business but no external work, plus we relocated countries with his work so I struggle to find employment.

When I left he offered me £8,000.

Long story short, got myself a SHL, ex was bloody obstructive from start to finish, judge awarded me 50/50 with an order to sell the marital home.

Don't let the bastard get away with it, get yourself lawyered up woman! In your situation you would most certainly be awarded more than 50/50 if you have been a SAHM and continue to be primary carer for the DCs

Oh and the judge was most unimpressed with my ex as I had been more than reasonable all along, they take a very dim view of people being obstructive and making wild demands, so I was awarded costs too as most of them had been caused by his constant twattery.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 29/04/2016 13:51

I know an excellent divorce lawyer in Cardiff if you need one - she don't fuck around!

Salene · 29/04/2016 14:28

Tell him to sling his hook

Take him for 50% it's rightly yours.

Baconyum · 29/04/2016 20:07

Yes if you give us a rough idea of where you are I'm sure we can help you find a SHL!

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