To tell him to stick his offer

[Iwantmymaidennameback]

In the middle of a getting very nasty divorce and would really like to know if IABU.
Married 16 years with 3 DCs. Always been a SAHM with DH quite happy with this as it meant no childcare costs and he never had to worry about having someone to look after DCs whilst he buggered off every week to play his sports.
When DCs started school he agreed to me looking for work, but only on condition that it wasn't weekends, evenings, or school holidays as he wasn't prepared to either step up and do some childcare himself or help pay towards cost of outside childcare.
Anyway, I decided to end the marriage, got divorce started, tried to live in family home during the process, but just couldn't stick it any longer, so moved out. Me and DCs now living in private rented house with 2 bedrooms, no garden and miles from DCs schools. DH meanwhile is still in 4 bed detached house with garden, local park, near schools, etc, and refuses to sell house.
My solicitor has contacted me today to inform me that DH refuses to sell "His" house as I have put no money into it, so it will have to go to court.
He has offered me £10,000.
Honestly, IABU to push for more or has he put me down so often over the past 16 years that I am starting to think he has a point and I put no money in so should get no money out of the divorce.
DCs have settled in quite well TBH but this place is nothing compared to their family home, where their father is now living as a single person.

Your solicitor should be advising you on what's reasonable OP, are they not?

Wow, £300 for his 3 children while he stays in the main house with 4 bedrooms at his disposal. He sounds like a hero .
Is this a private arrangement or through the CSA (or whatever they are called these days). Can you speak with them about what he is supposed to pay? Does he have time with the children at all?
You are well out of there, but please don't accept the 10k. It's not enough by a LONG way.

What a dick. I wouldn't even engage him in the conversation any more. Just tell him he is being ridiculous and that you will see him in court where you will be awarded your rightful share.

I don't want spousal maintenance. I just want my DCs to have a reasonable housing situation.
I just don't think it's fair that our DCs live for the majority of their week in a cramped small house whilst their DF lives in a lovely, spacious house.

£10K?
That's actually so funny it's hard to see it as insulting.
It just doesn't work like that.
Say no.
Tell him to make full financial disclosure via the standard divorce process and await your sensible suggestion.
I'd be tempted to actually include the emoji in an email to him.

Is that £300 correct according to CMS? It sounds low for 3 kids but of course it's income dependent.

He is banking (literally) on you being ground down and intimidated and just wanting it over and frightened of court. Don't be any of those things. Stay strong.

With £150K equity in the house after a 16 year marriage, with kids who are resident with you, the only thing a judge would say is "has this been entered incorrectly?"

You do not settle for £10K.

He is living in YOUR house. It's not his. It belongs to you both.

Thing is he works for himself, has a LTD company, so can make his income look low.
Although he does have over £1,000 golf Club Fees pa, but hey I guess that's more important than your own DCs.

Have you taken any legal advice at all? Sounds like you need to ASAP.

You might not want spousal maintenance, but it is something you can use to trade against assets. In a long marriage, where one party has not worked for some time spousal maintenance is sometimes offered for a limited time to enable retraining etc. If you don't want it you can 'generously' offer to forgo it in return for a greater share of the assets. In the case of a spouse who you cannot count on to pay regularly this may be the wisest course of action. Also if 50% of the equity is not enough for you to buy another house, you need more, especially if you will not be able to get a mortgage.

Has he been building himself a nice pension while you've been at home looking after his children?

Now I know you might say you don't want it, but he's obviously not going to play fair so you need to show him you aren't going to roll over. So he wants you to take 10k - your counter suggestion should (although take your legal expert's advice if you trust them - if you don't then get a solicitor with teeth) be 75% of house equity (you are responsible for children), half his pension and a chunk more in maintenance for the children. Maybe even mention the words 'spousal maintenance'. Then you can meet somewhere in the middle where he isn't trying to mug you.

Pals in your position... Ie the sahm with kids have ended up living in the house with their kids, and ended up with ownership... This was when the non-resident parent had a reasonable income...

Hour starting point should be 100% of the house, as you have the kids to look after and their emotional and financial security takes precedence over your knob ex...

Get a solicitor, you need it, especially if he works for himself. £10k. Bollocks. So is £300/month CM.

Remember, if you are claiming any means tested benefits, a lump sum in your bank will disqualify you. So you need enough to buy another house unless you currently earn enough to not need housing benefit etc. A smaller amount may simply get used up in rent payments until it dwindles enough for you to claim benefits again, leaving you with very little. This may mean trying for 100% of the equity, depending on house prices in your area.

As he's able to manipulate his income, all the more reason you should go for a higher split of assets up front.

Did you solicitor just shrug their shoulders and say "oh well it's going to court"? After a laughable £10K offer? If so, you have the wrong solicitor.

It may not go to court. Your STBXH isn't stupid. He knows you. He knows he has ground you down. He knows he's already forced you out of the house and you'll give in for a quiet life. Or he thinks he knows you

But he knows that if it goes to court you will get 10x £10K, for starters. Which means far from you worrying about legal costs, it will be him worrying about them. Versus an offer of £10K with £150K house equity, you simply cannot lose.

There is much scope for counter offer before this goes anywhere near court.

Fine if your solicitor was just warning you that given his attitude it's likely to go to court. But if your solicitor just factually passed on this £10K without adding "which is of course bollocks" then I wonder about the quality of your solicitor.

Read the guideline HeddaGarbled gave you.

This is not about you taking "his" money. Get that out of your head. This is about what our law thinks is appropriate. Who are you to argue with the law? The law says a wife of 16 years and 3 kids doesn't get totally shafted. Unless they are too scared to use the law. Don't be!

OP, go for spousal maintenance if you are entitled to it. It is there for a reason.

The good news is that you will receive much higher child maintenance than your current arrangement without it costing you 3 figures. Just contact the CMS. His offer of £10,000 is risible, ask around for recommendations of a good family solicitor.

Do not be bullied or frightened into agreeing to something without proper legal advice. Don't be too quick to reject spousal support, your work in raising your children and looking after domestic life has both enabled your husband to build his career and earnings and forfeited your own ability to do the same. Pension is a huge consideration, don't be deceived and forfeit that, even some lawyers don't understand the compound implications of it.

Good luck. I went through a hideous divorce but life is now great. I didn't do all the things I'm suggesting you consider and it didn't make my ex any less angry or vindictive. My children would have been better off it I'd have been less propitiating. Ask yourself what will most benefit the children: you having a lesser share or a greater share? Is he more likely to spend that money on things that benefit your children or are you?

You need a better solicitor, ask around friends and clerks. Also savings affect benefits but don't automatically disqualify.

www.gov.uk/income-support/eligibility

you have no income or a low income and no more than £16,000 in savings (your partner’s income and savings will be taken into account)

You have received several good suggestions - so I will just add my opinion...

I left XH as he was abusive and took DS with me. I figured it was "easier" and I had been so beaten down after years with him to just carry it all on my shoulders.

DS was 4 at the time. He is now 17, and I have not had one penny of financial support raising him. I even paid for the divorce as I needed to rid myself of the XH.

While I will admit that life for DS would have been different if there had been any financial contribution from his father, DS knows who has always been there for him. I have even paid for DS to travel to see his father - but XH has decided he has better things to do, and hasn't made an effort to see DS since October of last year.

Hopefully our experience isn't yours... but in retrospect, I would have used the courts to ensure DS was more comfortable financially than he is.

The offer is laughable, and he probably knows it.

Tell him to stick it, get a decent solicitor and go to court of necessary.

50/50 is the absolute minimum you should consider.

get a good solicitor and take their advice, if they say go for 60% or 75% then do what they say. Don't back down.

Your ex has proven money is more important than providing for his children, so you need to obtain marital assets to support them. The court will only award what you are entitled to, they won't leave him destitute. Repeat this to yourself regularly.

He will mention you 'taking all his money' being a 'gold digger' etc etc. this tactic is to get you to feel guilty and back down however he is the greedy one not you, 10k from 175k equity! (Get a gold star for every money orientated insult he throws). Pension, savings, shares, vehicles etc are assets too, what about furniture etc. he is so greedy and money focused he is prepared to let his children share one bedroom and have no garden, while he sits with three empty bedrooms - wow. You need to fight for as much as possible, no doubt he thinks driving lessons, uni fees and weddings etc are paid for with dust and unicorn breath. £300 for three kids, great if he is a low earner - check the csa calculator - if not yet another example of his greedy ways.

He may come up with this old chestnut, 'the kids will get the house eventually, when I'm gone' however if he remarries it could mean your kids get no inheritance either, (collect a gold star if he mentions kids inserting the house). Ignore, once again he is demonstrating his greediness - by justifying not supporting his young children.

He has a ltd company, did you receive salary/ dividends? If so you will be a shareholder. You need a very good solicitor ASAp and depending on how much he told you he earns vs what his accounts show you may need this investigating.

Good thing is you aren't living with him. Set up a new email address for yourself, and only communicate via email.

If you worry you are being unreasonable at any point ask yourself one question 'if the shoe was on the other foot, would I live in a 4 bed house and let my children live in a 2 bed with no garden and provide only £300 a month'.

Although I mention gold stars in jest it helped my friend with her split. Instead of dreading the insults she listened out for them and reported back how many stars she collected in the conversation! It helped her not take it personally and let the conversation wash over her.

It also led to her seeing him as being predictable and rather pathetic.

Do you still have keys to the house? Assuming he hasn't got any kind of order and from reading other similar threads, I think you may still be allowed to access your home. I would check with a solicitor first but I would go inside in secret if you can and get every single document pertaining to income and his assets and copy it all. If he's offering you this paultry amount both for child support and as a settlement, he's going to fight very dirty. I agree with tryIng to settle with 75% equity in the house plus maintenance and you may then be in a position to buy him out.

He probably thinks you divorcing him is unreasonable & this is his way of getting back at you

And you would be doing all this for the children. I know how hard it is to think adversarily about your ex when the split is so recent, but he is already doing that and if he wins the children suffer, if you win, the children win.

Just to give you my example...my husband left me 3 years ago and started divorce proceedings....I had money invested that I had inherited when my parents died.....anyway we ended up in court and I gave him a lump sum of 40,000 plus he has 23% share of the house....to be honest it is not the best deal but it means I get to stay in my house until my dc are all 18 and then when I sell I will have enough equity to buy a 2 or 3 bed semi outright.
The divorce in total probably cost me approx 5k but 1k of that was for the day in court for my barrister...please don't worry about going to court, it is not as scary as you think and you will get sooo much more than 10,000, you will probably end up with a 70/30 split in your favour.......I didn't do as good as i had money and he didn't.