To realise I sort of stopped loving my parents when I grew up

[lovebeingonthetrain]

Did this happen to anyone else? I adored them as a child so it's sad really.

I hope this has helped you OP!

I loved my dad, but since he dies I have realised I don't have such a great relationship with my Mum and Brother. nothing major, but they tend to belittle me and be rather scornful, and damage my fragile self esteem. I have been mourning not just my lovely dad, but the nuclear family unit as without him right now I feel so angry towards them and I don't feel like I have a family anymore.

anyway- a useful thread thanks everyone

My parents were not abusive or neglectful, but were completely emotionally shut off and I can't remember ever being cuddled or told I was loved.

They showed love in other ways, such as working hard to provide and to keep us well physically taken care of (7 kids).

I went through a phase of being quite bitter and resentful that our 'relationship' was so formal and inauthentic. But then I understood (again) that they did the best they could and would literally die for me. They just would never be able to tell me that!

It could be just something you need to work through, OP. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't deserve your love. Not every parent does.

When you and your mother can't be friends is an excellent read, helped me understand so much. It's by Victoria Secunda, very enlightening, really puts your feelings into words but is positive about how to go forward.

Just5 you summed it up perfectly :) err, if a smiley face is appropriate in such a serious and insightful thread.

This thread is very relevant to me right now, in terms of passing down the harm. (I've just started a thread in parenting on it).

How do you stop the damage if you're very close to the edge yourself and it's all going a bit wrong?

ThumbWitch, your post (as usual!) is exactly what I'm thinking about.

Forewarning is a really good thought. But what does it achieve exactly? Thinking all this through...

A warning like a fire alarm warning bell? Like, evacuate the area?! Get clear or feel the flames...

Or warning like a pre-warned is forearmed thing?
A kind of 'mummy might be x but it's not that she doesn't love you, she's just getting very stressed?'

Or warning to let them know to change behaviour in some way? This kinda sounds practical but I wouldn't know what my DS could do differently as he's 5, probably not capable or moderating behaviour unless it's really extreme stuff?

Hummm, its hard to find a way through sometimes...

"I know I copy some of my own mum's less-than-great behaviours - but I apologise to my DC (she never did) and I do try to forewarn them that they're reaching the end of my patience (again, she never did) to minimise the effects. I still lose my temper, but I hope the effects aren't quite as shocking on them as they used to be on me and my siblings.

Miscellaneous - here's a little story that might help you!

It was my DD's 5th birthday. We booked a night in a premier inn near legoland as a treat. I was pregnant at the time. In the morning we were rushing around to get to the breakfast we'd paid for, but she wouldn't get ready! I was still feeling ridiculously sick, even at 6 months. We were late, and going to miss breakfast.

Normally when she's difficult at getting ready, we'll turn it into a game, or I'll coax her, have fun, fix it that way. But for once, I just wanted her to put her shoes on without a stress. So I said 'FGS why can't you just do as you're told for once'. I never normally shout at all, in any way, so she was shocked. Then cried. I made her cry on her birthday, and it felt shit.

I just wanted her birthday to go perfectly, to have the best birthday memories ever, but missing a big breakfast would have ruined things, cost money and meant we had to eat at legoland (too expensive).

Anyway. Carried a crying birthday girl to the restaurant. Tried to claw back the atmosphere and to not throw up.

Got to LL, and then saw DD just wasn't herself and I felt so crap. So I knelt down and said 'I'm so sorry DD, I didn't mean to shout. I just want you to have a great birthday'.

The smile on her face I won't forget. Utter relief. She hugged me very tight and said 'Thank you mummy. Sorry I didn't put my shoes on'.

Wow. Rest of the day was awesome

My parents never said sorry. And they did a million times worse.

If something goes wrong at work and I get stressed, I just say, mummy is very stressed so it would be best to give me some time right now. DD is mature enough to take herself off. I think it's important to show you're human, and all emotions are acceptable, just depends on how to handle them. You're teaching them how to handle bad emotions; anger/stress etc

Don't beat yourself up or think you'll be your parents. Everyone makes mistakes. The key is what you do afterwards to fix it, and then not to keep making them.

Good luck all x

Yes, apologising/asknowledging you were out of order is very important. It's good to show them you're human and make mistakes, but also that you own them

If my mum went off on one at me, she'ld "gas-light" me afterwards. She'ld re-write history, twist the whole event to make out it either didn't happan and I was lying or exaggerating, or she'ld make out I was the one to blame for her behaviour.

She'd do things like be nasty to me, then act like nothing happened and I was a bit mad/hysterical/difficult for being upset afterwards and not being able to flick a switch and act like nothing happened like she did.

Everyone's shouty sometimes. Shouting sometimes doesn't mean you kids will stop loving you if you deal with it like CarrieLouise does (and I try to).

My mum would have dealt with it VERRRRY differently after the shouty bit. Say the legoland example. She'ld do one of 2 things:
1: she'ld have flicked on her "street" face in the restaurant/park and act like everything has fine and lovely and comment to everyone who she encountered about my grumpy face and humiliate me for being mardy when she organised such a lovely day and mock me on front of people "ooo come on, give us a smile, we're in legoland" (acting as if it wasn't anything to do with her that I was on the brink of tears, and I was just being one of those funny tweenagers )
or
2: the day would be ruined, she'd be cold with me ALL DAY and make ME grovel trying to thaw her for the rest of the day

I have been in Mumsnet for several years and this is by far the most poignant and useful thread I have ever read.

I am in my early 40s and only stopped seeking my mum's approval recently. I had a decent childhood and felt loved and everything but my mum was so critical and judgemental, I have carried that 'curse' with me all my life and realise that it has prevented me from building healthy relationships with people. When I was little, and also in my teens and early adulthood, I idolised my DM. However, my DM, whilst being a good person and decent human being, had a habit of showing her contempt for other people's stupidity, opinions, ways of life, taste, sometimes even nationality. I don't know why this trait permeated my personality so strongly that throughout my life I pretty much looked down on people, as standard, and being at odds with everyone else was the only way I knew. This has had a catastrophic effect in my life and only quite recently I have learned to detach myself from my DM and stopped seeking her approval. It's too late in many respects but I am trying. I realise that this is in no way comparable to some of the terrible stories here, but as a result of my mum pretty much not accepting me as I am, with my ways and opinions, we are now virtually NC and I am not even sure I miss her.

Sorry there's this other thing that my mum did. The silent treatment. She did that to me as a kid and a teen and it was so bloody painful. Now I have my own DC, I don't understand how she could treat us like that (she did it to my DSis too). With my DC I will sometimes shout, it will never last for more than a minute and I will always apologise for my outburst, and then explain what's aggravating me. I will move on immediately. I never stay angry at them. My DM could easily not talk to me for 2 or 3 days. After the event, we would gradually start talking but she would never discuss the issue with me or god forbid, apologise.

Brilliant thread. In the words of the late, great Philip Larkin "they fuck you up, your mum and dad".

Carrie brilliant. My epiphany was dd saying when she was 12 (she's nearly 18 now) "oh mum, do I really have to go to grandma's in the holiday (and she was a better grandma than mother - but perhaps the tween years were a,step too far and actually she liked,showing off the beautiful, clever, charming dc sorry for that but it appealed to her narcissistic yendencies. Sorry for digression a d bragging rights. But dd was the first to make me realise that the irritation I caused wasn't wholly my fault.

What scares me is that actually I am oretty resilient. dd is much more fragile. The damage my mother could have done to a more vulnerable personality is,quite frightening. I am though still a recovered anorexic. I would still at nearly 56 love to please my mother although am reconciled to the fact I never shall.

)))))))))hugs((((((((((

Sorry OP. I love them more than ever. They're two of the loveliest, happiest, funniest, most generous, warmest and coolest people I know. As I get older i realise that I'm privileged to know them

Absolutely! My mum is distant and appears not to care about me, my partner or my kids. She visits occasionally, but doesn't seem to like seeing us all. She barely speaks when I'm with her, she NEVER calls, and I get the occasional very blunt and to the point email. I'm totally fed up with it, and just now feel I can't be bothered trying anymore. I'd love to be one of those people who chats to their mum every week about everything and anything, but I feel our relationship is just getting worse as I get older. And i agree with others who say that having kids just magnifies the situation. I could never imagine being so uninterested in my own children's lives, and can't understand how she can be. I think I love her still though, but I don't like her very much, and now avoid visiting her as it makes me feel very deflated!

This thread is making me cry. I have no relationship with my rubbish Father and an 'ok' one with my mum although it's taken a lot of work to get here.
I'm TERRIFIED I'm a shit Mum to my kids. I sometimes shout, I worry they'll hate me one day. I try so hard but I find 2 year olds so hard to cope with sometimes.

Eating, two year olds are hard. As so.eone said upthread the shouting is fine providing it's 25 good things to every shout.

My mum thinks she was a good mum because she bought me half a dozen books, took me to the theatre and got me top of the pops tickets (she had a co tract with the BBC - it wasn't hard). The basic material stuff in other words and I had a pony. The number of times I've heard dd suffered because she didn't have a fucking pony!!! Did I say she was brought up in zone 2 London. Unfuckingreasonable criticism of my parenting or what

The plate tripping thing made me think of something.

When I was at uni I had an accident and rang my parents from my hospital bed to tell them Id broken my back. My mums response was "you stupid bitch".

Ive never forgotten that. I try to excuse it thinking maybe she was shocked, upset, worried......

But I just can't imagine responding li,e that if dd rang me up and said the same. I might swear but not at her. So I might say Jesus or fucking hell but my main question/response would be "are you ok, where are you, I'm coming".

whothefuck. I broke my back after Christmas. I still haven't told my mum because I know she'll make it all about her.

I'm OK btw; hope you are/were. Xx

I get you.
But a lot of my parents behaviour was unconscious - in other words, they didn't mean it. Emotional abuse and constant arguing has left with with low self worth.
My parents were shouters and that's how I communicated too for a long while until quite recently.
But I forgive them and yes I do love them but I'm not overly warm with them.
Some of my friends hug and kiss and cuddle their folks. I can't do that.

great thread,im sure many can relate to many of these experiences as sad as they are

This thread has reminded me of the bizarre thing my mother said, very seriously and pretty much out of the blue, when I was a new mother - probably depressed, certainly overwhelmed, and in a lot of pain with a childbirth injury:

"Oh dear. I think I made it look too easy for you."

z0mg thank you mother for the support and encouragement.

Woah
When i broke my back my parents were really sad for me and very helpful. I'm sorry to those posters and I hope you made full recoveries. It was hands down the scariest experience of my life. If my parents had not reacted the way they did, I think I'd have gone NC.

Hi OP, I totally get where you are coming from. My DM was a passive aggressive, violent and emotionally abusive when I was young. She is now an alcoholic with undiagnosed mental health problems (due to the alcohol abuse). I go through the motions of keeping up a relationship, keep her on the periphery of my life and tell her I love her to save her feelings. But if I'm honest I don't have many strong feelings for her either way, when I young I loved her so hard and would beg her to stop drinking. She wasn't able to do that and for a long time I was ashamed of her erratic behaviour and even had no contact for 5 yrs after one violent attack on a family member. All this turmoil has worn me out and I feel numb. If she died tomorrow id probably be sad at such a waste, but I'm not sure if I'd cry. I sometimes feel my childhood has meant I have trust issues and find it hard to have real emotional ties to anyone. I have been told that I'm selfish and you should always love your parents when I explain it to bystanders, but I know that those people probably have no clue what toil a non-normal parent-child relationship can have on the childs emotional development. Don't feel that this is something that you should worry about - that was your parents job. If you are feeling distance , this is probably some emotional defence and I think that entirely understandable and reasonable. Btw- I don't have kids yet, maybe I'll feel different when I have some of my own. Although to be fair we are ttc right now and I have found myself thinking that maybe I should severely limit my children's contact with my dm as she is so unreliable and unable to this day admit that any thing odd in my childhood occurred, let was her responsibility (my parents divorced when I was v young, and I was in her custody until I left home at 18)

Closing you've just described my life. Sympathies to those who also have bellends for parents.

Everyday I make a conscious effort never to be like either of them.

I have pretty much recovered now. Guess I was lucky. I have low grade back ache all the time but nothing too bad. I think something happened to my pelvis at the same time, they kept in and on xraying it for days.

I have a buggered sacroiliac joint now and my very good physio has just given me a life time ban from all exercise apart from walking, swimming, cycling, yoga, cross trainer and weights. Which is depressing me a bit as im getting fatter and love step aerobics, etc and can't do it. But it could have been worse.

I find the idea of hugging my mother very odd. I do feel envious of people who have that sort of relationship with their mothers. DS (3) likes everyone to hug goodbye and so we sort of do but it feels so weird. I don't remember my mother ever ever hugging me (although I remember much much less from my own childhood than most people seem to).

I didn't really think shouting was a bad thing until I had DS and knew I didn't want to shout at him. I used to think it was good that we could communicate so honestly, that my mum got angry quickly and calmed down quickly and this was better than stewing for ages etc etc. Ive deliberately re-sensitised myself to it because I don't want DS to think it's normal and healthy.

My mum would have dealt with it VERRRRY differently after the shouty bit. Say the legoland example. She'ld do one of 2 things:
1: she'ld have flicked on her "street" face in the restaurant/park and act like everything has fine and lovely and comment to everyone who she encountered about my grumpy face and humiliate me for being mardy when she organised such a lovely day and mock me on front of people "ooo come on, give us a smile, we're in legoland" (acting as if it wasn't anything to do with her that I was on the brink of tears, and I was just being one of those funny tweenagers )

This. this. this. this.

Funnily enough though my sibling isn't treated the same at all. They always have good reason for being upset. I'm just the moody sulky one.

I have no feelings for my mother. It's like she has nothing to do with the person I am now. I've gained nothing from my relationship with her, though she's never stood in my way or tried to sabotage anything. She makes such wrong assumptions about me and my family and my life that I barely tell her anything these days as I can't recognise the version of my life that she reflects back to me. (I don't know if that makes sense.)

I decided some time ago that I would quietly distance myself from her and her family and I've done just that with no falling out or even a calm explanation. I'm really proud of this and view it as an achievement even though what it really means is that she doesn't notice her daughter has withdrawn from her almost totally. But I find I don't care enough to worry. I sound like some sort of narcissist but it's years of abandonment and stressful interactions talking, which have - as someone said - used up all the emotion I have for her. (I adored her as a child.)

I am stressed about her elderly years as I think she might want to come and live with me and obviously, no. (She's alluded to it in the past, but not for years.)

I adore my dad. He's made of good stuff.

Op it is a lottery, who you get for your parents. It doesn't work out for us all and we need to be kinder to ourselves about that sometimes. (I'm a huge advocate of gentle detachment.)