To realise I sort of stopped loving my parents when I grew up

[lovebeingonthetrain]

Did this happen to anyone else? I adored them as a child so it's sad really.

[mygorgeousmilo]

I get it, OP, I really do! Not because of any violence or abuse, but an emptiness that I think stems from a real lack of maternal feelings on my mum's part. There's never been much affection or attention directed towards me and I'm jealous of people with lovely parents that engage with their grandchildren. I try facilitate a nice relationship between mine and my children, but there's zero interest. I have been quite literally unwell/hospitalised and on deaths door and lucky to get a text. I overcompensate so that I can know in my own mind that it's not my fault: I invite, I buy, I call, I include, I do - but there's barely a flicker of interest in return. People with lovely parents always struggle to understand. I feel like all I can do is make my peace with the fact that I feel like an orphan, and make damn sure that my own children feel loved and cared for at all times. I feel like when people have this problem, we should say "I'm so sorry for your loss", because it does feel like a loss. Just look at how horrified all of these responses are, to have unlovable parents is almost unthinkable to most. Sorry it's crappy for you, make your peace with it, it is unlikely to change XXX

[BeauGlacons]

whothefuck yep pretty much the same but I'm just grateful I can do the dishwasher, laundry, a desk job and after the first week got myself off the bed every morning to drive dd to school and collected her from her evening activities so there was minimal impact on her and nothing for her to worry about. Just got a letter from specialist saying fracture was severe but I am OK, off painkillers and grateful I can manage it. Know I'll never quite get back to four cylinders.

My mother would love the drama. She won't have it.

[CarrieLouise25]

All lot of these posts are resonating, and it's all very therapeutic

Micah - oh yes, my mother would have done the same. Made out all was fine and told everyone what a grumpy whining PITA I was being.

There was a lot of piss taking in front of others, and if I ever dared to mention anything, it was either 'that didn't happen' or 'you're so sensitive!'

George - the silent treatment is just awful. I really sympathise there; it's so painful.

Took a very very long time to realise all the problems, and what they were. Forums like this have helped me to go NC, and for that, we live in a great time. Where we can share deep personal issues and see similarities with complete strangers and go 'oh my god, it's not just me!' - and feel a connection.

The thing that keeps me going is my 3 lovely children (and my DH of course...after an abusive relationship for many years, I now have a great one ) - and knowing that I have the power to make my children's life absolutely fantastic, and for them to feel safe, loved, appreciated for being them, and loved no matter what, completely unconditionally. If I can achieve that, then my own childhood, I can move on from.

xxx

[murmuration]

I have no idea if I love my parents. I don't think I do, but I'm not even sure what it would feel like to love them. I certainly do not feel towards them in the same way I do my DH or DD, or even my good friends. I definitely do not like them, particularly my father who is simply not a nice person.

But I feel bad reading all these stories as my parents weren't terrible or abusive (although friends who saw them when I was ill in my early 20s say that they are emotionally abusive and still refuse to come to their house - not sure, maybe I could still be blind to some stuff), but they were overbearing and controlling and well, yes, odd. Very odd. But not mean, shouty odd like the OP's stuff - I'm trying to think of examples, but it's hard, just things like I grew up ignorant of music because we had no music producing devices in the house until I was teen and my Dad got a stereo, on which he used to play classical music at volume 10 and would use it wake me up on Saturday morning by playing the theme from 2001. Strange stuff like that.

I'm in my 40s now (since people seem to care about age), and I've come through a long path of questioning my relationship to my parents starting during my early-20s illness when they did behave appallingly. I think I am nearly at peace with the relationship, but I do think I have a little way to go. I spent a few days several years ago believing my father was dead and there was no emotion - definitely not grief. I was a bit startled with myself, but at least I know what to expect now. I think I will be unhappy if my mother dies, although I've lost so much of her already due to worsening MH issues that I have grieved for the mother I had already.

I do know that my parents love me. I know that I am responsible for their happiness - far more than an adult child should be, but I can't do anything about that and so I just have to accept it. I know that they show their love by trying to control my life (don't like that) and by giving me things. I have come to peace with the fact that I cannot count on my parents to be emotionally or practically supportive in any way, but have decided that it is okay to accept their material support as the best thing they can do. In return, I feel there is no need to increase the unhappiness in the world by acting anything but polite and respectful, and I suppose to 'fake' love as much as I can. I can't see any positive thing coming out of me letting my parents know my lack of feeling towards them; it would do nothing but hurt them and it wouldn't help me in any way. So, because I do not want to upset them, does this mean I love them? Not sure.

I also realise that they person they love is not me. Hearing them tell stories of my childhood or even of more recent events, I can see that they subtly shift the truth and turn me into a person more like them, who values the things they value, and this person is very much not me. I do not go so far as to agree with these stories and I do remind them of the truth, but it seems to do very little (partially due to my mother's MH issues; she tends to build a world in her mind that becomes her reality and is nearly impossible to shift).

I do worry about what my DD will think of me, especially as I have some serious ongoing health issues and I worry I cannot be the mother I want to be to her.

[twocultures]

Ok this is really long so I apologise in advance.
I love my parents ... But sometimes I think I'm being too lenient with my mother.
These posts are making me feel a bit better.
I remember when I was younger she was a SAHM for a good few years with me and my DB who's 2yrs younger than me. She didn't have much patience, she'd hit us if we misbehaved, I don't mean beat us up but slapped, hair pulled, dug nails into arm etc. And I'm not saying she did it all day everyday just when she snapped. I vaguely recall lots of name calling as well 'worthless bitch' (to me when I was about 8) I distinctly remember once I was crying after she had a go at me (or something I can't remember now) and she saw my grandfather coming up the road and rushed me to the bathroom to wash my face from the tears and said that if he asks everything's ok. I also remember that when I used to cry a lot like sob uncontrollably she used to stand in front of me and mock me and tell me 'go on why don't you cry harder' etc . I used to be terrified of her and thought I was in the wrong, I used to always blame myself and I feel like I was walking on egg shells all my life until about the age of 19. I used to think that every child grew up like that.
But I also had and still have a lot of love for her.
I think she had a lot of anger in her as she fell pregnant quite young and had to stop her studies she was very ambitious and would've probably done really well in her field to look after us, and her mother (my DG) is a very very and I mean very unstable lady.
I remember her telling me when I was older that she used to get upset that we were so happy to see DD when he came home from work after she took care of us all day and we never showed her that affection...I didn't have the heart to tell her that that was because we knew that she wouldn't lash out in front of him.
It's so strange with her because she can be the meanest person and say the most evil things ever and then when she's in a good mood she'll be the nicest.... I remember once I did something little that annoyed her (I can't remember what but it could've been something silly like forget to do something etc) for some reason it al, escalated (she had a few drinks before) and she just started hitting all the sore spots (she doesn't hold back when she starts she means to hit where it hurts) saying how I can't even keep my room clean and no wonder I have no friends and that my boyfriend (now my future husband) looks at other girls etc etc she started listing all my faults and for the first time in my life I stood up to her...I didn't shout or scream i got up to leave the room but she ordered me to stay so I just said 'you're listing all my faults but not perfect either are you?' She got all confrontational and asked what I was on about and I just said 'can you not remember what you were like when we were little?' my dad was there and asked what I meant and I just said that she was very high strung or something like that and that we were always worried (I didn't actually elaborate on anything I didn't want to go into detail or lay it all on her as I felt no need to hurt her) and all of a sudden she just sprung from her seat and went straight for me screaming, my dad grabbed her before she could get to me but I didn't even flinch I just stood there looking right at her as she kept trying to get close to me. She started shouting and saying how I was making her out to be this horrible mother etc etc and started crying and turned it all on her being the victim. We made up after (thanks to my Dad) and it never got brought up again. But I don't hold grudges, I'm incapable of it because I think life is too short (or I'm too nice idk)
Despite everything my parents worked extremely hard all their lives and got through some pretty devastating situations so I think they deserve to be happy.
I can really relate to the Mums netters on here that said they can sometimes see their mothers in themselves when they get annoyed at their DCs and work hard to avoid that at all costs!
I'm sorry everyone if you think this post is TMI but I never really talked to anyone about my childhood or these issues so it feels so amazing to get this of my chest!

[n0ne]

Definitely not. I dislike them in various ways, both my parents are very flawed people and can be nasty and tactless at times, but I love them and always will, because they love me.

[BlueEyedPersephone]

I understand totally, I don't love my mum anymore but that is because she has sucked any kindness I had out of me. I miss my now deceased father but also have seen his flaws as I get older. Part of the reason is I can see what I do for my son out of love and can't see that in my own childhood.

[TealLove]

My mother also changed toward me at puberty. V marked difference.

[lovebeingonthetrain]

twocultures, your post is so similar to my experiences I've gone a bit cold.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

My mother also changed toward me at puberty

When I hit puberty it was almost like she was the adolesent and I was expected to be the adult that had to tip toe around her. It was like I was supposed to be there for her more than the other way round, and she was constantly disappointed in me in that regard.
It was like having a horrible teenage sibling not a solid parent. She'ld lash out at me, hold grudges over crazy things.. wasn't the adult in the relationship at all. It was really hard, because I wasn't an adult either. The only think that limited the damage was that my father was a consistant adult figure in my life through my teens

[twocultures]

lovebeingonthetrain I find it quite hard to balance my own family life (me, my OH and DC) with my parents approval but thanks to my OH I learned that I can't always be a people pleaser. I'm only just learning to put my foot down, but I do find it really hard even though I always put 100% of my effort to let them down easy if there's something I disagree with they read "she" is really touchy and reads into things way too much and gets offended really quick but bottles it up and yonks later talks about how upset she (or as she says "they") was about it.

[mummyto2monkeys]

I helped my husband to go through the process, of understanding why his Mother behaved the way she did. My husband was given the place of 'spouse' she expected him to meet all of her emotional needs and felt unbelievably betrayed when he fell in love with me. She behaved like a jealous wife every time he brought me out to visit her and would say 'why do you need a girlfriend, you have me.'. My husband was the perfect child until he hit his late teens and started having his own life. This is so common in narcissistic mothers. My husband has been through three lots of therapy and I have spent our entire relationship re-building his self esteem , after she tore him to shreds and then lied and turned her entire family against him. My FIL was also a narcissist and watched delighted as the destruction of their relationship allowed all of his plans to fall into place. We have gone no contact and we honestly don't regret it, my husband says that there is no way that emotionally he could open Pandoras box again(have his parents in our lives).

Please know that you are not to blame, no matter what your parents have told you and others. Have a look at this link
www.narcissisticmother.com/

[midcenturymater]

My husband says he feels no love for his father. He will be relieved when he dies. I respect his viewpoint. His father was not just a drunk. He was a selfish, self centered narcissistic, character who did not even give the minimum money to his wife to care for his kids. He liked to spend that money on himself. He was violent when drunk ...everyday. My husband does not have one single memory of his father doing anything with him. I now understand some people really are terrible parents and their children have grounds to feel no love for them. I now feel the same disgust for my husband s father, the more he shares,about his childhood of neglect. Only you know what treatment you received from your parents. Yanbu.

[allypally999]

Omg I am the scapegoat ... I jokingly used to refer to my older sister as the golden child too ... you guys should read the link above!

[mummyto2monkeys]

allypally999 it is quite enlightening when you can finally understand the relationship that you have grown up with. My husband was in shock, but also so relieved, he actually finally believed that he wasn't the awful person that his Mother made him out to be.

This site is also good

www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/

[allypally999]

Thanks Mummy .. very enlightening though at 58 I have finally given up on impressing her .. she doesn't recognise me now so I am also finally not afraid of her either. She was always right .. it was exhausting though she was always the one who was exhausted (by doing nothing)

[jellybeansprout]

Everyone has some redeeming qualities. Focus on those. Try to see how short life is.

What meaningless bullshit this is.

[Just5minswithDacre]

What meaningless bullshit this is.

Damaging, meaningless BS, in fact.

People get cast as the whipping boy/ scapegoat. They shouldn't be pressured into accepting that and smiling compliantly through it.

[BeauGlacons]

My mother's technique is to go on and on and on and on trying to wear one down until you do what she wants. She had a very stubborn daughter, it wasn't very pretty. Everything was such an issue.

Even now she will go on and on about putting a piece of furnitue somewhere, having a TV somewhere, trying to get me or the DC to eat something. Have a piece of cake, aren't you having a piece of cake, just have a little bit of cake. I said no thank you the first time. Others just have stuff pushed on them when they don't particularly want it. Everything has to be her way. She did exactly the same to my grandparents telling them constantly what they should do, what should be replaced, etc., she just won't let other people just live and accept that they are happy as they are.

Over the years my house hasn't hasn't been good enough, tidy enough, well furnished enough, we don't have good enough holidays, the children's clothes aren't high enough quality, my car lets me down, I'm not stylish enough - she would expect a woman in my position to be more glamourous. We don't do things that are exciting enough, etc., etc..

The tragedy is that we've done quite well really. We have a home in another country and a very nice home here in the UK. The children went/go to the very best schools, selective and sought after. But we just don't do conspicuous consumption. Her latest comment (it's our 25th wedding anniversery in a month or two) "you should make sure you get a really decent piece of jewellery for that". By that she means something that costs £10k plus. I couldn't give a flying fuck.

It becomes very hurtful to never be good enough despite everything one does. I went along with it for years thinking the problem was mine. Be prettier, be more bubbly, have a better time, have more friends, etc... It took my 12 year old daughter to tell me she'd rather not go to grannies because it was too stressful to make me realise that the problem was my mother's not mine. On reflection, the broken marriages, broken friendships, outward impression, time spent on creating impressions, etc., all point towards a narcissistic personality. Not a severe one and not one that overly damaged me although it might have damaged someone less stubborn and less robust who wasn't deeply indepdendent.

The barbed comments "I don't know why you want a baby, it will ruin your life" (thanks mum); "you can't wear pink, it's for pretty girls" (thanks mum, I was about 5), "if you were more bubbly you would go to all the parties", "such a brown mouse of a child", "with all that reading you do, it's surprising you aren't top of the class", "I can't think why they gave you that job", "I don't understand why you need to do an office job" (there's no point saying, er, I've got a whole department to look after and am quite well thought of).

Ultimately, I wasn't hit, I wasn't deprived, cold or hungry. I had everything pretty much - except unconditional love. It hurts and it hits home even more when one has one's own children and understand what they mean to you, ie, everything.

For those who think these feelings are meaningless bullshit and one should just get over it. Yes, one should get over it and move on and live life. I'm still in touch with my mother, no-one would know the hurt in real life but it doesn't stop it hurting. It doesn't stop the damage to self esteem and sadness about the family dynamics one dealt with. It doesn't stop the emptiness of not having a mother who cares and loves unconditionally. It doesn't stop the hurt of being wanted for the sake of someone else's image.

Most of all it doesn't stop one wanting to do something that will please one's mother. Her grand son got into one of the best schools in the UK. Most grandma's would have been so proud. My mother's comment "are you sure it won't be too much for him; I'm not sure he's as bright as you think he is". It worked out brilliantly for him but the constant seeping of joy is just exhausting. It's why I don't share much with her any more. She thinks what she wants to think and nothing will stop that.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

Beau yes, it's the constant seeping of joy.

E.g. We paint a feature wall a colour we like. My mother: "oh, hmmm, well, that's………different, it's not what I'ld have gone for, I'ld have picked a nice rich red"
And if I say something like "can't you just be polite and say it's nice?" or even "well we like it" in an exasperated tone.. she'll turn on me saying that I always shoot her down and I "don't let her have an opinion" and she was "just making conversaion about what colours SHE likes and there's no need to be like that" and be all pissed off at ME as if she was trying to have a perfectly pleasant conversation with me about paint and I'm the one that shat on it…. not her shitting on our new wall that we're obviously happy with.. and if it turns into an arguement it'll end up with her say "I NEVER said I don't like it, I think it's lovely, I was just talking about other colours I also like, I NEVER said I don't like it"

And that's an example of her in the more pleasent end of the spectrum of how she is with me

And it's everything, my wedding dress, my children's names, haircuts, new homes, everything. And if I ever react to her comments then she'll twist it and make out that I'm the nasty one. So tiring and draining.

She's not like that with other people though, she is perfectly capable of going "oo you painted the wall, isn't it lovely", or "Rosie! what a lovely name for a pretty little baby!" because I've seen her be like that with other people

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

Focus on redeming qualities? meanwhile she'll keep on gas lighting me? no thanks.

The particular type of gasslighting my mother prefered is the kind where she makes you look a bit mad to others.

Like if we were at a do with relies. All sitting around making nice conversation. My mother and I find ourselves at the table alone for a moment (e.g. while others go to loo/bar) and she'll turn to me and spew nasty nasty bile at me. Others return, she's all smiles, I'm left reeling and upset/hurt/angry/tearful. I can't flick a switch and get back to nice chit chat like she can and I'm sat there feeling humiliated because I'm welling up on front of everyone "for no reason". Later she'll pull the others who were at the table aside and say something like "I'm very worried about Screen, I think she might be depressed, her moods are very unstable, I just don't know what to do? what can I do to help her?"

So sorry for the language, but FUCK THAT re focusing on her redeming qualities, and loving her because she's the only mother I have.

Loving her is damaging and dangerous.

[BeauGlacons]

Oh, yes, everyone else is lapped up. Until she falls out with them for some reason or another. There is a couple from my mother's village with whom she and my step father were very close when I was a teenager. They had a few fall outs and probably haven't spoken at all for the last 15/16 years - I think they weren't as sympathetic as my mother wanted when my stepfather was ill (he wasn't that ill and they were trying to be reassuring). They have continued to send me a christmas and birthday card ever since. They used to go along with her when I was teenager and laugh "oh your such a funny girl" if I ventured a view. I have a feeling a feeling they might realise now which is the "funny" one.

[murmuration]

beau - that's one thing that gets me! The constant criticism - overt or implied. Every single time we Skype she comments on my clothes, and in a way that requires a response: "What colour is that shirt you're wearing?" "Blue" "Oh, blue. But isn't that a green skirt. Does it go?" "I'm happy with my outfit." "But does it match? Or is the skirt blue, too? Maybe dark turquoise? That might match." "It's green. I just pulled on some clothes this morning, I'm not going anywhere." "What other colour skirts do you have?" and so on. I get quizzed on my job like they're going through some sort of check list of all my responsibilities. Exactly what I want to be thinking about on a Saturday evening .

Except when I try to draw attention to something, then they ignore it completely. "I bought this outfit from the Xmas money you sent me." (And I'm all ready to talk about where I got it and how I like this new store and the clothes really suit me, etc.) My mother's response? "How is project X going at work?" During my Xmas break!! Seriously, work was not on my mind. But then when I introduce it: "I just got new responsibility Y at work." "What colour are your trousers?"

It's extremely frustrating. Sorry for the outburst, just had a frustrating Skype yesterday evening that I'm not quite over yet. It was just one series of criticisms after another. And there seems to be some kind of rule on their end that we can only discuss topics of conversation that they have opened, and never, ever follow up on anything I say. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I tried to open every possible topic myself first, then they'd have nothing to say.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

My mum is another person who frequently falls out with friends. She will have a close friend for a year or two and then big falling out and they never speak again. No normal person does this for over 40 years surely! And of course she can't see that it must be her. she's a total narc so she thinks it's always everyone else, she frequently talks about how the general population are idiots and she thinks she's much better than everyone else.

She also does the little thinly veiled criticism about everything. She did t talk to me once for months because I bought a car she didn't approve of without consulting her. I had a job and my own house and could afford it, she just didn't like the car. Little comments about my appearance, weight, hair, clothes all the time. Comments about my house. Went up the wall when I got pregnant and I wasn't married. Told me to get an abortion as dd would be disabled as punishment and DP would leave me. Constantly slags me off to my brother and vice versa. It was the fact she started slagging me off t dd which made me cut contact. That and the fact she came round here in a stupid, sulky mood and let my dogs run out the front door on purpose and didn't help to try and catch them at all. Just stood there not making eye contact and not talking.

Even now she can't see it's her fault. She wrote me a nasty email saying that the only reason ive gone NC with her is because I'm selfish and I don't want the hassle of having to visit her now she's in her 70s.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

It's always either "hmmm….well, it wouldn't be what I would do/chose…"
Or, she has to win at at!
Particularly with babies (me being a baby/toddler was I think the only stage of parenthood she even partially enjoyed, I don't think she enjoyed it once I developed my own identity). Like I breastfed the DDs, but she invented breastfeeding because she breastfed me years before I breastfed DDs and I couldn't give them a feed without hearing about HER having breastfed me, which would turn into a long tale about how it affected her when I weaned.. and then if I'm too exhausted with the newborn that I'm trying to feed to give her a pity party and say "oh how awful for you" then I don't care about her and blah blahblah
I mean all you really want in he difficult early days of breastfeeding is a cup of tea! the last thing you need to be expected to do is act as someone's therapist/councillor for 30 year old issues they have about their own new mother experience

tiring. Tiring, tiring, tiring.