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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want another child so much?

51 replies

anjarose · 27/04/2016 14:04

Hi, would really appreciate outside views on this as people close to me tend to agree with me but I am not sure if it is to save my feelings?

For 3 years me and dp tried for a baby, I have endometriosis and we found out his speech count very low. Told we needed ICSI at the fertility clinic, we started the going through the preliminary bloods and examinations - history etc, signed the papers and were due to start treatment.
His opinion was, much like mine- I don't love this but we have no choice etc.

Then 1 week before we were due to start ICSI I found out I had conceived naturally. Brilliant miracle! I have. 6 year old healthy son and believe me I know how lucky I am.

Fast forward to last year- I always wanted to donate eggs- since I know the feeling of heartbreak- I went to the same club and started the process,-aged 29.
They told me about egg sharing so I thought- after I have donated once- maybe next time I could do that!! Have a another child which would be a dream come true.

Clinic told me my AMH showed too low but wasn't so low I had to panic( it's 8)

Went and toldDP everything- was a little emotional - feeling like maybe we don't have that much time can we just go for it & do one round of ICSI- so I can not have any regrets.

He said- flat out NO
No- we have one child, we should be gresteful etc- but mainly because ( he's raised a Catholic) he believes IVF unnatural and fundamentally WRONG

I am distraught- am now very broody, also that I feel misled!!! Sad
If he felt that way why attend 8 months of doctor appts at a fertility clinic and begin that process!?!
I have begun to resent him- and fear this could end the relationship TBH
It's become a bigger issue than the baby- I don't feel like he can really love me- I feel tricked, I feel a fool.

Also during these talks I suggested adoption as an alternative, mainly I want my son to have a sibling and handoff ten thought about this- again he says NO, can't see himself with another persons child Confused

AIBU to be this upset???

OP posts:
Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 14:07

Eeep!! To the typos- Grin supposed to be sperm count not speech obvs!! And fertility clinic not ClubBlush

OP posts:
tangerino · 27/04/2016 14:12

Definitely not unreasonable to be upset. However, I also don't think your H is unreasonable in expressing his views nor in not wanting another child (I can see how one might stretch a moral point to go for 0 to 1 child but not from 1 to 2). It's a shame he wasn't clearer earlier on.

All I can suggest is that you talk to him about how you feel about all this and see where you get to.

curren · 27/04/2016 14:14

It's a very difficult one.

I can't comment on his objections to ivf. Only he knows why it was an option before and not now.

It sounds like he just doesn't want anymore children. But I don't know.

He isn't right or wrong. You aren't right or wrong.

it's not something each of you can compromise on. One has to give in. I understand you feeling so upset you think it will end the relationship. But (and it's a big but) do you want him to agree to another child that he doesn't want, to try and keep the relationship together?

That's a sure way to end your relationship.

My personal opinion is that no one should be forced to into ttc for a baby they do not want or guilted into it. It's not fair on the baby.

I think you need to talk again. And if he is adamant he doesn't want more. Then you need to decide what to do. End the relationship and be a single parent and go down the IVF route alone (or hope you meet someone who will support you in it) or try and work through your feelings.

But don't threaten to end it. Enable the decision and stick to it.

On the practical side, can you afford the treatment?

jennifer86 · 27/04/2016 14:19

This seems to be more about your relationship than the baby. Does he know you feel he misled you? What does he say about that? How is your relationship generally? Did you discuss having another baby in the past? Does he just not want another baby? Would he/you be happy to try naturally for a bit? IUI might be an alternative to IVF depending on his sperm count etc but might suit his religion better as there is no discarding of embryos involved.

Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 14:19

Could afford one go at it without getting into dire straights yes, just don't want to have regrets.
There's a big chance it wouldn't work but at least I would know I tried.
He says he'd happily have more kids naturally ( shame it's him who's fertility is the pits!!) 😩 Don't mean to sound horrible but just getting exasperated

OP posts:
Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 14:20

We haven't used contraception for 9 years so I guess we have been trying a while 😶
Communication isn't always good - he's not much of a talker

OP posts:
Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 14:21

I feel like he picks and chooses the parts of his faith that suit him to be honest 🤐

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curren · 27/04/2016 14:29

You haven't been misled though.

He was willing to do it to have a child. But he isn't willing to do it for a second. Has he ever said he was willing to do it for a second.

Perhaps he hated it the first time, since he is part of the problem too. Maybe he just can't face it again. Especially now you have a child. Infertility is very difficult for both man and women. Not wanting to do it doesn't make you a bad person.

Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 14:36

No he's not a bad person- but have tried working through my feelings, it's been 18months - I have a period of time where I don't think about it then it comes out of the blue and hits me. Just don't want to spend my life quietly resenting him.
Surely it's better to be alone- even though that seems like cutting off nose to spite face etc? I just feel things changing between us

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curren · 27/04/2016 14:39

Sometimes it is better to be alone.

If you want to end the relationship. That's up to you.

But really look at why you want to end it. Is it really just about this?

If he hasn't changed his mind in 18 months, he isn't going to change it.

Would you want him to give in, go through the treatment, pay for the treatment (even though you are sure it will fail) if he doesn't want to?

If it does work, do you think he will resent you for forcing him to have another?

What steps have you taken to work through it?

EponasWildDaughter · 27/04/2016 14:40

Coping with fertility problems can put a huge strain on a couple. (this includes secondary infirtility ect). Have you had any councelling together?

Reading between the lines this sounds as much a relationship/communication problem as much as the bare bones of you want another and he doesn't.

Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 14:55

No we haven't had counselling - he doesn't talk much and even less about feelings.
This alone is an issue I guess.
You might be right about other issues, Theres a few niggles but none alone are a big deal.
Working through it ( my feelings) - included- gym membership - training for a half marathon, meditation and acupuncture. All done alone

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EponasWildDaughter · 27/04/2016 15:04

If his feelings about sticking with one child were totally unrelated to religion would you still feel as angry?

Would you still feel 'tricked' and 'like a fool'?

Honest question: Would you take any reason he gave (not to have a second) as something to argue with? Something which would build resentment? Something which could be talked round?

Is he using religion because he knows it can't be argued with maybe?

(I know how it feels to want another child so badly that it's all you can think about Flowers)

Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 15:34

I don't know eponaswilddaughter
Maybe not as much, but I always wanted a family- though we are never explicit about how many kids as the focus was on getting pregnant with One for so long. We are both from big families so I just sort of expected 2 kids ( at least)
Don't know what to think now, just a feel really sad

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Valentine2 · 27/04/2016 15:55

YANBU. It would run me mental. And no I don't think it's his decision only. Afterall, if he is the one racing fertility issues( hope I got that bit right), he should put in effort to make you happy. He is using his faith as a smoke screen I think. That's downright wrong too at another level. I think he should understand that after 9 years of no contraception, you guys do seem to need help? If he still refuses, it's your relationship issues with him that you need to address then. Twat

Fratelli · 27/04/2016 15:58

I noticed you said dp not dh. It's interesting that he says no to ivf but yes to sex before marriage when he's Catholic.

Yanbu at all. You need to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you really. I hope you find the right decision for you Flowers

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2016 16:07

I don't think your unreasonable to be upset but I don't think your dp is unreasonable to say no if he feels that way he feels that way.
Having another baby is something a couple has to decide together and if you can't agree then you have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not .

Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 16:26

Fratelli yepyou are right- another sticking point Confused

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Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 16:26

Thanks Valentine 😁 You nailed how I feel actually!!

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TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 27/04/2016 16:34

I suspect he has changed his mind about another baby, rather than had a religious awakening.
Would probably eat away at me to the point that it's a deal breaker, unless he came out with a really good genuine reason.

Fratelli · 27/04/2016 17:15

If he wants to try and move on he needs to be honest about why he doesn't want another one. Is he possibly daunted by the process?

Original poster
anjarose · 27/04/2016 18:34

Don't know really - maybe. But he is stubborn- can't see him changing his mind at all 😞

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curren · 28/04/2016 06:20

Afterall, if he is the one racing fertility issues( hope I got that bit right), he should put in effort to make you happy.

Are you saying because he has a low sperm count, he has an obligation to do whatever the OP wants?

Really?

araiba · 28/04/2016 06:44

isn't " i dont want another baby" a sufficient reason for not having another baby?

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 28/04/2016 07:11

Yes, just as wanting another is a sufficient reason for the other partner to leave.