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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think i'm being catfished?

58 replies

dandydesmond · 27/04/2016 13:14

Have been trying online dating recently - its a first for me so naturally I'm a bit suspicious of anything that goes on there.

I've been talking to someone who seems very nice, we seem to have a lot in common and conversation has been flowing better than expected. After a week or so of messages, he asked me out for a drink on a Sunday afternoon. I agreed and we arranged both time and (public) place. However, 3 hours before the allocated meeting time, he texted to cancel, saying that his dad had been in a car crash and he had to shoot home. I didn't have any reason to be suspicious so I said I hoped he was ok and of course we could reschedule etc. All fine.

I then got radio silence for 2 days. After that 2 days he sent a text saying he was sorry for not messaging but that he hides away from the world when he's stressed. By this point I had done the usual 21st century thing and looked him up online and found his twitter account. Apparently hiding away doesn't extend to tweeting about football while his dad was apparently in hospital...

He didn't mention meeting up again for a few days - I did once and his response was something wishy-washy like "yes, we need to rearrange that at some point". I was a bit lukewarm by this point but it seemed a shame to waste what had been some effort in the texting etc so when he finally did ask to reschedule the drink I said yes and its arranged for bank holiday Monday (apparently he's busy until then). However, I suggested that we call or Skype before meeting as I was starting to wonder what was going on. he said that was totally fine and he'd call me. That was on Sunday. He had a load of excuses as to why he didn't call on Sunday and promised to call on Monday. He didn't call on Monday and said it was because he'd fallen asleep. Yesterday, he told me he was working late would definitely call me at around 10. He text me at 9 to say he was leaving work and lived just 10 mins away so would call me once he'd eaten. No texts or calls at all after that. I called him at 10.30 and it just rang out.

After that I left it. This morning I got a text saying "sorry, I was so tired I just fell asleep - didn't even have dinner". I told him the whole thing is fishy and I am now suspicious of whether he is actually who he says he is. He's adamant (by text) that he will call tonight, but I'm dubious.

AIBU to be suspicious? he appears to be an actual person. He has a twitter account and it matches his pictures etc. He also has facebook, though I don't want to add someone I haven't met. Its the phonecall issues and shock cancellation that I struggle with.

OP posts:

ouryve · 27/04/2016 13:36

I expect that he couldn't get away from the missus on Sunday.

He hardly sounds worth chasing, even if he is sort of genuine.

Elle80 · 27/04/2016 13:36

He probably is who he says he is, but he is totally unreliable. Ask yourself do your really want to waste your precious time on someone like that.

Destinysdaughter · 27/04/2016 13:38

Also, one guy who was v keen to chat but kept making excuses as to why he couldn't meet turned out to be married!

thenewaveragebear1983 · 27/04/2016 13:42

Its possibly not that he's in a relationship, but the very nature of dating websites is that you communicte with lots of people. He's probably got other dates lined up, and is trying to arrange to see various women and keep on top of all his arrangements. I met my dh online and you do talk to several people, irons in the fire and all that, and you do have a mental 'list' of your preferences I guess, ie. Who you'd like a date with, who you just chat to. Without being unkind, it sounds like you're not his most pressing engagement.
My bil is currently using dating sites and has been given some similar brush offs, it's not just men that do it BTW. Although why people aren't just honest baffles me, after all everyone knows why they're on there.

ricketytickety · 27/04/2016 13:43

He sounds non committal and a waste of time. Imagine if it went further ... you'd be having a relationship with someone who lets you down, fails to answer calls, doesn't reply to texts, keeps you hanging, always has an excuse for being unreliable and likes to hide away from the world when stressed.

ClarkL · 27/04/2016 13:43

I always chatted for a week tops before arranging to meet up for a quick drink (always a quick drink first time) people can be anyone they want online, even if not catfishing they show the side they want. If you get caught talking too long online you can feel like you 'owe' them a second date or chances because you've invested so much time, then you've people like my now husband (date number 22) who is rubbish at talking online but great in person.
Also consider if they are on a dating site, but not able to go on a date...how are you supposed to start a relationship? They may genuinely be busy with work, friends or family but they are also too busy for a relationship

TheWitTank · 27/04/2016 13:44

FAR too much hassle already -bin him. If he was interested he would have made the time to call/meet up. He is stringing you along massively. Delete and block from your OLD site and move on to someone who isn't such a douche.

Mousefinkle · 27/04/2016 13:47

I can understand cancelling and not texting for two days after his dad had been involved in a car crash. I probably wouldn't think to text someone from OlD if a loved one was in hospital... But the pissing about with phone calls is off. It's the fact he's promised to call at such time a couple of times and then cancelled right beforehand. He's too wishy washy. I don't think he's that into you, or he's married. Either or you can do better.

nauticant · 27/04/2016 13:47

At best, you meet him, you're reassured, give it a go, and then he really starts messing you about. Don't waste your time, bin him now.

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/04/2016 13:52

Don't bother with this one any more. Seriously. This is as good as he's going to get.

leotwist · 27/04/2016 13:55

Scam or not, sounds like a totally unreliable, annoying, feckless loser. Don't waste any more time or attention on him. You're worth more, and there are surely better guys to be found...

blindsider · 27/04/2016 13:55

Seriously, if he can't be bothered to make an effort 'during the chase' I dread to think what normal would be like

bettyberry · 27/04/2016 13:57

OK this is my take on it having done a fair bit of OLD myself.

I suspect he is one of those who is recently separated/divorced and really wants to feel wanted and needed but isn't actually ready for any form of relationship. These types tend to be very chatty, suggest a meet up but get serious cold feet. I don't think this one is a bad person, OP. I just don't think they are ready to actually date. Move on. He isn't worth your time.

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts · 27/04/2016 14:03

Dating is supposed to be fun. This sounds too much like hard work for someone you've not met yet.

wrcm · 27/04/2016 14:03

Can I just ask... what age is he? For a grown man to act like this is means he has peter pan syndrome, i.e cannot cope with responsibilities and grown up ass things

Original poster

dandydesmond · 27/04/2016 14:07

Ok so I have read all of your responses and I've now text him to say that its been really nice chatting to him but I think its clear that there's either an obstacle to us speaking/meeting or he isn't as interested as I am looking for someone to be.

he's replied with this: "there's me thinking I was making more effort! guess i'm just more laid back - we're busy people so i'm not expecting anything to happen quick".

This wound me up a bit so I said "im not the one with all the excuses for not calling though - you must see that this looks suspicious!"

his response: "I guess if it was the other way round, I wouldn't think you were flaky or anything but that's just me. Theres no point me giving reasons why too because I know you wont believe me right now. Im trying though. I wouldn't even suggest ringing in the first place if I wasn't interested considering I don't actually like talking on the phone to anyway. Worried now that there's too much pressure and anything I do now will add to you thinking im hiding something".

WOW - JUST WOW. You are all correct - he is a waste of space. not even sure if I want to be polite. maybe i'll just block.

OP posts:

Original poster

dandydesmond · 27/04/2016 14:08

wrcm - 30

OP posts:

RaeSkywalker · 27/04/2016 14:13

Don't message him back again. Delete and move on.

Chchchchange · 27/04/2016 14:13

Well you've said your goodbye so no need to contact anymore to be polite. He's hardly shown any courtesy to you. And yes he sounds like a massive time waster and very unsure about meeting up. He'll only mess you around more. Block and move on.

novemberchild · 27/04/2016 14:16

Married, catfish or whatever, he sounds like a royal pain in the arse.

LovelyFriend · 27/04/2016 14:17

gosh so it seems from this that my ever so slow texting with a man I met 5 months ago is doomed to end in disaster. I am pretty busy as is he. I did fall asleep putting the DC to bed the first night that we arranged to talk on the phone, so I effectively blew that out.

You might be right, you might be being harsh, but you won't know now.

Just because he's tweeting about football doesn't mean he's lied to you about his Dad being in an accident. Have you never passed the time posting on twitter, FB or MN?

I'd always say go with your instincts. But also it can take 2 busy people a bit of time and effort to get into a new rhythm together.

notquitehuman · 27/04/2016 14:20

Ignore and move on. I wouldn't try to get the last word in.

If you're worried about being catfished in future, I'd suggest doing a Google of their screename, as well as real name if possible. You should also do a reverse image search of their profile pic to see if it's on any other sites. It's probably best to do this stuff before you let them waste your time.

EveryoneElsie · 27/04/2016 14:24

He is setting the bar low and you just keep jumping over it. Why?
In a year you'll have an apathetic wedding then you'll be moaning he never pays you any attention.then in 6 years time you'll realise he's actually a cocklodger who just wants someone else to unball and wash his sweaty socks.

He's a twat. Dont fall for it. Stop talking to him.

chocorabbit · 27/04/2016 14:25

Being somebody else is a totally different issue. He doesn't even sound interested. I don't understand why you insist so much. You are not even into a relationship with him. After he cancelled I would have expected HIM to make the first move. You make yourself look very needy and he COULD definitely have taken advantage of it if he had wanted AND had the chance. You should be glad that this didn't happen!

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 27/04/2016 14:29

Why are you even bothering with him?
You've never met him, and it's unlikely you ever will.
He most probably is a Catfish or married.
I only discovered the catfish thing when I was working on a building site. A lot of the men played silly games on POF because the had naff all else to do and thought it was highly amusing.

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