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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable in not helping out SIL?

56 replies

Lottieloves · 27/04/2016 11:59

I'm really new to all this, please accept my apologies.....

The jiss of the story is.... My SIL (not really my SIL but never less the mother of my two darling nephew and niece) is in a lot of debt, she has entered herself into a volunary debt replayment plan and as far as I think she is getting on and paying her debt each month or though she has told me that it started off as 5 years to pay the debts but now it's been increased to 7 years.... Sorry if I'm waffling...... She has a full time job and juggles quite a few balls in the air..... She was using a car that he dad gave to her, quite a nice car, tax and insured with no cost to her. Her and her dad have had a major falling out and he now wants the car back..... It actually a motabliblty car so it's got to go back after the the 3 years anyway.... Because of all the problems with her credit record, I casually said that I would take out a loan for her so she could get a new car (she needs a reliable car to get to work, ferry the kids from b4 and after school club). The husband has gone mad, saying its her fault that she has got herself into so much debt and it's not our problem to sort out...... Me and the DH have a very strict attitude to debt (my own child hood was besieged by balliffs and debt collectors, my parents had a very poor attitude to debt) so I said I would never get myself into major debt..... I am a sahm and DH has a very high paid job....... But I just don't know what to do, she hasn't got any other family (my brother was her partner, but she very limited contact with him) I don't know how to help out???

Any advice?.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 27/04/2016 12:40

Motability car misuse? Tick
Single mother? Tick
Debt? Tick
SAHM? Tick
High earning spouse? Tick

Keep going OP, you're nearly there!

MatildaTheCat · 27/04/2016 12:47

I can't quite get past the Motorbility car here. Fraudulent and illegal for a start.

Don't lend her more money. If you have money to give then that's your affair but expect your dh to be very unhappy and expect it to all go tits up some time soon.

VimFuego101 · 27/04/2016 12:47

She's already shown she can't pay back her debts - why do you want her to take on more? YABVU to do this without discussing with your husband - how would you feel if he did something similar?

Original poster
Lottieloves · 27/04/2016 12:51

Thanks for all the messages, I just never really thought it through properly..... I just thought I would try and help out the SIL......

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 27/04/2016 12:54

You sound lovely, OP. But she obviously can't cope with the debts she has - how can she suddenly afford to repay even more money on top of that?

There are other ways that you can help. Can you help out with childcare if needed during holidays and things? Or look around for a cheap car for her?

Topseyt · 27/04/2016 13:07

I think you sound lovely OP, but you are very misguided here and your DH is right to blow his top about it. You are a SAHM. Therefore you rely on his salary and probably couldn't take out the load in your own name anyway. I am not being derogatory about SAHMs (I was one for many years), just stating cold, hard facts.

Obviously there could be many reasons why your SIL is in debt, but harsh as it may seem, it is her problem and not yours. The possibility of her defaulting on repayments to you, if she ever manages to make any anyway, is extremely high. Don't put yourself in the position whereby she could bring you down with her.

Where is your brother and what is his situation? Is there a good reason why he is not financially supporting his kids more or at all?

yellowbirdie · 27/04/2016 13:12

No no no! NEVER take out a loan on behalf of someone else. Crazy!

You sound lovely and well meaning, but I agree with your DH. She is an adult and she needs to fix this herself. Step away...

kela23 · 27/04/2016 13:15

I am that person always in spiralling debt and I would wonder why SIL needs a car - they are notoriously expensive & eat money. I manage working full time, 4 children without a car. So, though I have relied heavily on friends and family in hard times I wouldn't advise taking out a loan for someone in a similar situation to mine for something that is only going to cost more & more money to run. Maybe instead, if possible, offer to help with things like shopping etc instead - I'm always grateful for a life to do a heavy weekly shop from friends etc & I can make do without. Your thoughtfulness is kind & you're not being unreasonable & being a friendly voice is always worthwhile.

wrcm · 27/04/2016 13:22

Sorry if this has already been asked but how does she plan on paying the loan back to you? Does she not get help from Tax Credits?

There are companies who will let you pay towards a car then when this has been paid off release the car to you, have a look into them. I understand you want to help but if she cannot pay back this loan it will be left to you and your husband. You could however if you have any savings give her a loan of some cash to get her started on the basis she pays you back every month.

Regarding her arrangement.... Speaking from experience, these 'debt management plans' are a waste of time unless you actually have enough to pay into them. They take a lot of 'fees' for their services and when I was discharged from mine I received a statement (I was a newly single mum left in a lot of debt by my ex partner who paid nothing for his child) All the money I had been paying in had gone to these trustees 'fees' and there was nothing left over to pay my creditors, then the letters started again from the companies that I originally paid them to demanding payment. When I contacted the trustee who dealt with it, they told me there was nothing they could do Angry So all that money I had paid in for 5 years was for absolutely nothing and I am no better off for it and it has greatly affected my credit record.

curren · 27/04/2016 13:24

Thanks for all the messages, I just never really thought it through properly..... I just thought I would try and help out the SIL......

You want to help her, that's nice. Agreeing to get into debt (or rather getting your dh to get into debt) is not something you can decide to do without speaking to the person you are married too.

As a family these decisions are made together.

You still haven't answered how you thought you would get a loan and how you would make th he payments on it?

Surely the only way you would think it's ok to do this without speaking to dh, is if you were covering the loan yourself with no impact on your kids or dh

Original poster
Lottieloves · 27/04/2016 13:28

Reading all your posts really put a different spin on it, that I really never thought about..... So thanks for all your posts, I think the key here is to try and help out in other ways like having the kids at the weekend or taking her shopping..... Up until 3 months ago she was ferrying her dad (who can't drive because of his stroke) to all his hospital appointments and taking him out socially so he didn't feel isolated..... I'm pretty sure the disagreement that they have had is only temporary.......

OP posts:
snixpull · 27/04/2016 13:30

You sound very caring OP, but I think it would be more sensible to support your SIL in getting some decent debt advice. So many people end up on these long debt repayment schemes which often aren't in their best interests. I was a single mum myself and had to deal with significant amounts of debt, but I sought advice from Stepchange which is a charity and charges nothing for their advice. In the end I was advised to go bankrupt, which was definitely the best thing for me in hindsight, as my debts were written off and I was able to rebuild my credit rating far quicker than if I'd been repaying through a payment scheme. Stepchange and National Debtline are the best sources of information IME.

Also agree with kela23 in that I never ever ran a car when I was a single mum - it was just unaffordable. Yes it's not very nice having to wait longer for a bus and to be standing waiting for one in the rain, but when the difference is so huge between the odd bus fare and all the costs of running a car (not just the cost of the car itself but all the maintenance and insurance) it was definitely the most sensible decision financially.

sparechange · 27/04/2016 13:35

To be honest, your attitude is really weird

You are acting like she has been diagnosed with a serious illness and needs all the family to swoop in and help her out, have her kids at the weekends etc

Unless there is some massive mitigating factor behind her getting into the debt, you really don't need to be her knight in shining armour.

She has got herself into the situation, she is getting herself out of it with her debt plan, and that's all there is. Yes, life will be a bit harder in the meantime while she tightens her belt, but presumably life was pretty rosy when she was spending freely so it all balances out in the end.

Let her get on with her life. Stop having a pity party for her. You can't make up for your brother being a shitbag, or for your own childhood, by making promises you can't keep

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/04/2016 13:43

YANBU to want to help your SIL, that's nice of you.
But YABU to want to take out a loan for her. Only give what you can afford to lose - because it doesn't sound like she has much money sense, and it's unlikely you'll get any of it back.

Etainagain · 27/04/2016 13:45

Good advice from Snixpull re Stepchange and National Debtline. She needs to find more effective ways of managing her debt.

I think it was a very kind offer and I can understand that you just wanted to help and didn't think it through properly. It sounds as though you have a great relationship with SIL and it would be a pity to damage that over money which is what could happen if she doesn't repay you.

Regarding the motability car, it doesn't sound as though she has been doing anything wrong as she has been using the car for the benefit of her dad by taking him to appointments. Hopefully, the argument will blow over soon and she will have the use of his new car. In the meantime, I think you should take a step back.

SIL is very lucky to have someone as caring as you in her life.

Patapouf · 27/04/2016 13:50

Motability car misuse? Tick
Single mother? Tick
Debt? Tick
SAHM? Tick
High earning spouse? Tick

Keep going OP, you're nearly there!
^^ this

I was wondering if the OP hoped this would be about the DH considering his wages as his money rather than family money..

Forza1973 · 27/04/2016 13:51

Lottieloves- you ARE being a decent person. I personally cannot understand the selfish attitude of some of the replies. It's not a given that she will/won't repay you, but what you have done will make an enormous difference to her life and that of your nephews/nieces- your own family!- and undoubtedly she will be extremely grateful for your kindness. If the proverbial hit the fan for some of the people who have commented, God help them.

Etainagain · 27/04/2016 13:51

I think some of the comments on here regarding your SIL's debts are really harsh and judgmental. There is a presumption that she is irresponsible with money and has brought this upon herself. But people get into debt for all sorts of reasons and it's often not their fault. Benefit delays, for example, unforeseen adverse circumstances or a long term illness which won't allow someone to work. I've seen so many people's lives come crashing down through absolutely no fault of their own and it can be bloody difficult to crawl back up again.

curren · 27/04/2016 13:54

but what you have done will make an enormous difference to her life and that of your nephews/nieces- your own family!

She hasn't done anything. She can't get a loan. What she offered is that her dh will get a loan. He said no. She hasn't actually done anything.

zippey · 27/04/2016 13:59

I wouldn't loan her the money. Just give her it without expectation to pay you back, a gift.

However, falling out with family is a red flag.

scarednoob · 27/04/2016 14:03

My friend put me down as a referee for a loan once. Not a guarantor, just a referee (I had no idea).

When she defaulted, they called me 2, 3, 4 times a DAY looking for her. This happened most months.

If I had been on the hook for it, I would have had to pay. Your SIL will inevitably default. Sorry but your DH is right, and he's the one who'd ultimately end up writing the cheques.

Topseyt · 27/04/2016 14:03

Forza, read the thread.

It isn't a done deal. No loan has been taken out. OP offered to SIL that she (OP) would take out a loan for her (backed up with her DH's salary as OP is not earning at the moment). Her DH has quite correctly vetoed it. It just isn't worth the risk.

I am not judging why the SIL might be in debt. We really don't know enough about her. I said that in my earlier post. Some of us have asked where OP's brother is in all of this and what, if any, his financial contribution towards his family is? Therein might lie part of the answer.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2016 14:04

So your brothers Ex needs a car and you want your DH to get her one?
Is that the crux of it?
If so then I'm not surprised he has said no.

As previously asked, where is your brother in all this?
Why can't he help out his OWN children? (if they are his of course?)

Clandestino · 27/04/2016 14:09

I'm sorry but it's you who's BU. Your husband might have a well-paid job but

A/ he's not a milking cow
B/ no job is guaranteed forever
C/ she's not in a position to repay you any time soon

She needs to find her own way.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/04/2016 14:13

I am a sahm

Then you need to get a job so you can buy your SIL a car instead of basically consenting to becoming a guarantor on a loan that she can't service [existing car is free] on the basis of your family income without consulting your partner.

Sorry, I'm not surprised he is annoyed. Had you discussed in advance then he might have been much more receptive to your desire to help out family.