To think there isn't enough aftercare after a miscarriage

[Justmeagain78]

Was reading a rather emotional letter in Psychologies magazine that a mum had written to the unborn baby she had miscarried. It brought it back a bit for me how I felt after my miscarriage - guilt that I'd done something wrong and was being punished, horror at the grossness of it all, utter terror at the thought of getting pregnant again, feeling sick every time I saw a mother and baby together. I know miscarriage is very common but I do feel now that I should have had more support. All I was given was a general leaflet about miscarriage, and told that within a month I should be able to conceive again! AIBU to feel angry about this now or should I have just got on with it?

'Well there's no trace of pregnancy hormone in your body... I take it you will be relieved!'

Word for word. I was gobsmacked.

I had 3, all at home, after visiting walk in for the first on a bank holiday Sunday and being told that I couldn't possibly be pregnant as I was taking the pill, despite 4 tests showing I was, and that I was probably just having a period.

It was nothing like a period. Ever. But I got on with it because of the attitude I had in that first instance.

After the 3rd I went to the doctor for advice and investigation. It took 3 years for them to decide I would miscarry every time I got pregnant.

I ended up having an abortion 5 years ago because I was pregnant again despite having the implant and I didn't want to go through the trauma of another miscarriage. An abortion actually seemed like a better fate that doing that alone again.

4 years later I had DD - didn't find out about her until almost 20 weeks and just took the entire pregnancy a day at a time worrying that it would all be taken away from me.

I often wonder if they were wrong and my aborted child could be here now rather than the fate they resigned me to.

I have never been given any kind of support or aftercare for any of this.

I lost a host surrogate baby I was carrying for my best friend.

It was horrendous and I cannot talk about it now. I have never been pregnant again since.

(My friend now has her own family )

I MC after my second cycle of IVF, I was told by EPU to go to A&E.

In a packed waiting room a nurse came out with a pot and said she needed a sample and pointed to the loo. I then had to sit with a blood stained urine pot in the waiting room. I was mortified.

They then decided they couldn't help me and I was to go across to the OOH. Packed waiting room again, another sample required which I had to hand over to a cringing receptionist in an open pot.

Called in and the GP pushed a pregnancy test towards me and said 'as you can see it says negative'. I was confused and asked her to explain. Her words 'I can't help you you're not pregnant anymore'.

She got up, opened the door and shooed us out. Everyone looked at me in hysterical tears and it was horrific.

This was 9 years ago and I'm so sad this still goes on. I have an 8 year old now but I still remember every detail.

Deffiantly. I had an horrific treatment at the hospital woth out going into too much detail involving me haemoraging heavily going in and out of conciousness, & them leaving the after birth and placenta in to get infected. As well as hand delivering the baby and waving him about like a curiosity asking if I wanted to see. I seriously think I got post traumatic stress from it and still have nightmares. I have also suffered with anixity ever since as well as a phobia of hospitals and dr's.

The only thing I got told was as it is your 1st we don't look into why but as it was a missed misscarridge we have to check for infection to check you are not ill. Told I was only young so it didn't matter. As well as a sly comment from a nurse that I was unmarried!! Then sent on my way. Only for me to later to go tempory blind for 3 days due to loosing so much blood and being rediculously anaemic.

The only thing I got offered in way of counsling was with the hospital priest who come round asking if I wanted the baby blessed or a prayer. As I am not religious and was in total shock traumatised by the whole thing. I gave him a mouthful. Where as in hind sight I wish I had.

I looked into legal action against the hospital only to be told there was no point as mosconduct cases rarely win as they have more money for lawyers etc.

It was not for the money. I just wanted an appology.

I don't know what the NHS aftercare is like after MC. I had a natural MC at home at nearly 11wks. I had no scans, just one trip to a GP to ask about a scan when I was bleeding at 7wks. I didn't go to hospital or anything (they left me with PTSD after DS's birth) so I read the threads on here to gain a bit of insight as to what would happen. It wasn't really anything like I'd read, it wasn't a period at all, it all happened in the space of about 45mins - I buried my baby, it wasn't just cells, there was a baby.

I had no idea they can be so dismissive with something like this. SO insensitive. I think what's important is informing women about their choices and options, how they feel about the choice they make, also about what they will pass depending on gestation. I thought I'd be too scared to see but I actually gained comfort from it happening at home and being given time to look and say goodbye. My confidence in the NHS was shot to pieces after having DS so that was the only way I think I would have got through it, tbh.

These stories...

💐 for everyone who has suffered loss, good care or bad.

Cute what a wonderful thing to do for your friend. I imagine it must have been terribly traumatic but I am in awe of your selflessness. I always said I would happily be a surrogate for friends or family, sadly after 2 losses and having to decide not to carry on trying I think I am no longer a good choice.

I had a miscarriage in my final year of university. I was terrified and in immense pain and the only people I could contact was the local hospital, I was told to 'get to bed and take some painkillers, there's nothing we can do for you' I called again an hour later when the pain was much worse and they said 'we don't provide anything for this, it just happens and you have to go through it' and then when I tried to politely explain I was all alone and scared and wasn't sure what was normal or not to 'stop calling us, we've told you already you just have to get on with it'.

So I got fuck all care with my miscarriage. That was only a few years ago.

I had a poor experience of care during and after my miscarriage. I was only 16, and 4 months pregnant.
I wasn't told at my scan that there was no heartbeat and wasn't offered the option of a picture, which now I would love to have.

A locum GP from my practice rang me at home to tell me the baby had no heartbeat, using the words 'The pregnancy is no longer viable.' I was 16 ffs, I had no idea what that meant. He then sent me to A&E with an illegible letter and the staff didn't know what it said, I had to try and remember what the GP had said.

I fought for a D&C, and was allowed one eventually. When I came round, I asked if the baby had been a boy or a girl. When the nurse told me, she also gave me some horrible details about the operation, because she thought I should have given birth instead. I wasn't told anything about why the baby had died.

My only after care was a scan to ensure everything was gone. I had it a week after my D&C and was left waiting in the antenatal radiography department for 3 hours, while couple after couple came out with their lovely scan photos.

It was incredibly traumatic. I have been considering requesting my notes from the hospital, because I still don't know what happened. It was 14 years ago and I have 2 beautiful sons. I'm no longer traumatised, but bloody hell, I was a self-destructive mess for years.

I just can't think of any other loss or trauma that people keep private to this extent.

That's true, Cress. Me and dp didn't tell anyone because from having DS it was just drummed into my head to not say anything until a scan, I do wish I had said as soon as I knew but I said I wasn't having anymore due to my DS's birth. When I started to bleed he day I found out I was pregnant even more so. After I mc'd I did tell my mum and sisters because I wanted them to know there was a baby. We have a big planter with flowers that sits in my house. Everytime someone asks about it, it was an obvious addition, but doesn't know what's buried in there... it grates on me. I was told to be grateful that I got my baby to keep. Thanks! I knew when it happened, when the bleeding started, that was what I wanted to do.

I found out I was going to mc at a drop-in E PAU. Because the pregnancy had failed very early they wouldn't believe I was pregnant despite the fact I should have been almost 10 weeks and had my mw appointment booked for two days later. They obviously thought we were stupid although I had been pregnant before and did understand how the whole thing worked.

The hospital confirmed it after the w/e and sent me home. They should have warned me that might start bleeding very, very heavily all of a sudden. Fortunately I was at home (didn't feel like going out) but I might have been back at work or in the shops. It was (unfortunately) like having a really bad upset stomach but from the vagina. It was vile, clots of blood everywhere, even in my slippers. I was all alone. I wish someone at the hospital had warned me so I knew what it expect as it was really scary. I also go cold thinking I might not have been at home.

I agree that it would help if you felt more able to talk about it but it is almost seen as poor taste to mention it. I sort of also felt that as we had told some people I was pregnant before 12 weeks that I was living evidence of why that is a bad idea. My mil had always referred to the pregnancy as an if rather than a when, which I found depressing. In all my pregancies I needed a little support in the first trimester - as do most women, I would guess - just because I was so very tired and sick. I think telling people what is going on is sometimes very helpful but, again, you are usually vilified for doing so because you are counting your chickens, etc.