To think DH is taking the piss?

[NotSayingImBatman]

DH recently got a new job following six months on massively reduced hours and a redundancy, all very good and I'm very proud of him. Both of our jobs involve weekend work on occasion as well as the usual Monday to Friday hours. DH has to provide his company with one weekend per month that he will be on call and he told me when this was so I made sure I was available as we have two young sons.

I told him I would be working the following Saturday. I wrote it down. I reiterated a few times in the week running up to it that I would be working from 7am until 1pm.

You know what's coming, don't you?

He informed me on the Thursday that he would be working from 6.30am until 9.30pm on Saturday. I asked what he intended to do about the boys as, you know, I would be working. He made some vague comments about me asking my DM to watch them. I told him she couldn't.

Friday night, he asked me 'was your boss okay about you cancelling going in tomorrow?'. I asked him what he was talking about, he repeated himself. I told him I absolutely had not told my boss I wasn't going in, that I would be going and that as he had changed his plans last minute it was up to him to organise alternative childcare. He threw a strop.

As it stands, I had cancelled. I didn't really have a choice and my boss wasn't particularly pleased about it. I let DH sweat it out until 6.30am on Saturday at which point he STILL didn't have a concrete plan (hadn't enquired with his DF, DAunt or DSis who all live on his way to work whether they could watch the boys - seemed to be hopeful that Nanny McPhee would knock on the door at a loose end).

So, long story short, AIBU to think that it isn't fair of DH to marginalise my career in favour of his own and that when he agrees to be on hand to parent OUR children to allow me to work the occasional unsociable shift, he should damn well make sure he does it?

But he's a man and doesn't need to remember stuff because The Wife will do it for him.

Well in this case it's true. And she facilitated that attitude/belief. No point in acting all "I'm making a stand, I'm going to work, your problem not mine" then not following up, and then moaning about it.

I think it's a bit grand to call it "marginalising your career" on the basis of a single event. If it's his expectation that "that's how things work now" or that he can pull this sort of stunt every time his work needs him, fine; but it sounds like (and it sounds like you think) he was just chancing his arm and taking the piss.

He was probably just looking to piss off the party who's wrath he was more familiar with and comfortable suffering - new employer or loving wife? If it had been old, comfortable, dependable employer or loving wife he may well have chosen differently. He's probably not sure at this point what sort of "wrath" new employer doles out on recent employees who don't accept or cancel shifts. Cowardly indeed, and he did not do right in the handling of it (why couldn't he sort a bloody babysitter??), but hopefully he's suitably sheepish now.

That said he needs a stern talking to on how things are going to work from here on in, absolutely to protect yourself from the dreaded marginalisation!

Your question, "AIBU to think DH was taking the piss?" YANBU. He was.

YANBU at all

and this is quote of the day "seemed to be hopeful that Nanny McPhee would knock on the door at a loose end"

Yes, exactly and I did point that out. All she has done is embed the opinion that she's the little wife and her job isn't as important as his. Sadly a lot of men still have that belief.

Your DH was being completely unreasonable. But you have completely shot yourself in the foot by cancelling. What on earth do you think is going happen next time? Of course your DP will do it again and expect that you have secretly cancelled your work plans so won't worry about childcare plans. I agree with the PP's who said you both need to get your shit together and grow up a bit. Poor kids.

YANBU. Totally unfair to assume you'll either cancel your work or be the one to organise childcare. He should have found childcare before agreeing to work or have not worked.
Agree you shouldn't have cancelled but really...what else were you meant to do?

OP communicated fine several times over the week and her DH paid no attention.

My DH can do this sometimes (though thankfully our children are older now and don't need childcare). It doesn't matter how many times he is told something, come the day he always claims he was never told. It doesn't matter how many text messages or emails you send him about said event, he either loses them, accidentally deletes them etc. It seems to me sometimes that the sole purpose of sending him a message is so that he can lose it.

It drives me up the wall, and I have blown my top a few times at my DH. He has improved slowly.

OP, you should not have cancelled your arrangements. I would have left him to stew over it. They seem to forget otherwise that these are their children too and need a kick up the arse.

By cancelling, you've given him the message that his job is more important and will always come first. Why didn't you stuck to your guns?

RudeElf, I read the OP. The point is they knew midweek that a minder would be needed - why not find a solution instead of playing games and failing to communicate?

I don't think either of them should have to get a reputation as being unreliable if they work toward solutions like adults should. But if he's on probation at a new job, I would think flaking out on a commitment would be more negative vis a vis his job security (and hence the family finances) than her canceling.

Both sound immature, self-centered and poor planners, tbh.

The point is they knew midweek that a minder would be needed - why not find a solution instead of playing games and failing to communicate?

OP was told two days before her scheduled work day that her DH now planned to work. He suggested she asked her mother to do childcare, she told him her mother couldnt. It was up to him to arrange alternative care. OP had no need to, she had made an agreement with their other parent to care for them. He agreed, she agreed to work on that basis. he Agreed to work without first having arranged childcare. Not OP. Him. This was his issue to sort.

If I were in that situation it would be one thing if we'd had these conversations and late on Friday he'd said "I've tried my father and my aunt and my sister but none of them can manage it. It's my first weekend and I couldn't turn it down when they asked. I'm sorry to ask this of you but I really need it." Because, regardless of who knows about their work commitments first, child care is both parents' responsibility.

But despite earlier conversations he didn't do anything at all and didn't see it as important that he was asking OP to cancel at short notice. And that would make me furious.

So I don't see that the answer is a sharp conversation with him, because that was tried when he first showed no inclination to take any responsibility.

Mediation may help, sometimes people need their prejudices pointing out to them by a third party before they see them in the light. It sucks to think it takes a third party to tell your DH that you are just as important as him, but it may be worth the effort if it stops things spiralling into a vortex of blaming each other for being unsupportive. He should know it without being told, but we have to work with what we have, not what should be.

Ethics is why some people or companies do not like employing working mums.

He is taking the piss, but he knew you would cancel because he is the man and his job is most important. And you showed him he was right.

He was taking the piss, but you let him. He knew you'd cancel. And you did. So you need to tell him that next time, you will not be. And make sure you don't. Otherwise he will marginalize your career, like you feel he is now.

Ethics is why some people or companies do not like employing working mums.

ethics?

Tues-Wed-Thurs IS mid-week to me. The point is this childish "it was my turn to work you need to deal with the kids" attitude. Surely the task of ensuring that both parents are free to work is not one to play games over?

He was called into WORK, it's not as though he were sticking her with the kids so he could attend a two-day boozefest. She said he's been out of work and that this job was a welcome relief - one would think she would not be "too bad, so sad" when their previously arranged work schedules and childcare arrangements are thrown into disarray by a boss's request.

Would it be great if the husband were capable of arranging this himself? Sure, but apparently he is not either willing or able. I highly doubt this was the first indication the OP had of his fecklessness and yet she still chose him as the father of her offspring. If you deliberately and voluntarily tie yourself with kids to a man who is a selfish poor planner, why act indignant and surprised and hard-done-by when the predictable results come to pass? And the ruse about her still going into work, to "teach him a lesson,' is just as immature.

Sorry, I've been in a meeting so couldn't reply.

Why did I cancel? A couple of reasons, I suppose. Firstly, I've been in my job longer than he has, I've had chance to build my reputation with my employer so, despite my boss being displeased at the late cancellation, I knew ultimately that I'd be forgiven and could depend on my previous work reliability to make up for it. DH is still on probation so doesn't have that luxury.

Secondly, he gets paid for overtime, I don't.

I'm not actually angry at him accepting the last minute shift, that's par for the course with his kind of work. I'm annoyed that he decided I had to deal with rearranging the childcare for him and I'm annoyed that he made sure he was out of the door before I needed to be to ensure that it would, quite literally, be me holding the baby.

Had he come to me and said 'look, I have to take this shift, I've tried X, Y and Z but no one can watch the boys, would you mind, just this once, rearranging your work please?', then I wouldn't have been pissed off.

LeaLander I'm not going to argue that he hasn't behaved like a feckless waste of space, because he has. But the reason I'm posting is because I'm genuinely surprised that he's done this and wanted to know if perhaps I'd wandered into some kind of alternate dimension where this kind of behavior is acceptable.

Does the job with the highest wage take priority?

Christ you are tiresome lealeander

Yes OP, i would be angry in your shoes. Can see why you cancelled work but being honest, do you see him catching a grip from this point forward now that you did it? Serious words need to be had. He will keep trying this you know.

And he will keep trying because he has the 'justifications' of higher earner, newer in his job/probation period and probably, now, the fact that "your boss was ok with it the last time".

It's always apparent you are on the losing end of a discussion, RudeElf, when you start resorting to personal attacks on other commenters. Predictable as clockworks.

I would be angry, OP.

He did not approach it in the right way.

I get the point that you are established in your role at work and he isn't yet, so this time you did cancel. You do, however, need to put paid to the assumption that you will always cancel for him.

Further down the line he will have to be prepared to say to his employer that he may not be able to work certain weekend shifts without good notice because you also work and there can be issues with childcare. Flexibility may be possible, but only with plenty of notice. That is just how it is when children are young (did you say how old they are?).

I would be sitting down with him and laying that one on the line. Both of your jobs are important.

Overtime unpaid? Fuck.that.

No lealeander i just remember why i tend to avoid engaging with you. You are tiresome and i half suspect post only to be contrary as it is how every single thread you are on goes. Nothing to do with losing, there is no win or lose here, its a thread full of opinions, i cant lose my own opinion.

Interestingly the thread has pretty much unanimously agreed that OPs DH is a bit of a dick.
lea your opinion has been singular voiced, minority at best, yet you seem to think Rude is 'losing'?

Can you explain exactly how Rude is 'losing' when there's nothing to lose? I don't understand.