To think DH is taking the piss?

[NotSayingImBatman]

DH recently got a new job following six months on massively reduced hours and a redundancy, all very good and I'm very proud of him. Both of our jobs involve weekend work on occasion as well as the usual Monday to Friday hours. DH has to provide his company with one weekend per month that he will be on call and he told me when this was so I made sure I was available as we have two young sons.

I told him I would be working the following Saturday. I wrote it down. I reiterated a few times in the week running up to it that I would be working from 7am until 1pm.

You know what's coming, don't you?

He informed me on the Thursday that he would be working from 6.30am until 9.30pm on Saturday. I asked what he intended to do about the boys as, you know, I would be working. He made some vague comments about me asking my DM to watch them. I told him she couldn't.

Friday night, he asked me 'was your boss okay about you cancelling going in tomorrow?'. I asked him what he was talking about, he repeated himself. I told him I absolutely had not told my boss I wasn't going in, that I would be going and that as he had changed his plans last minute it was up to him to organise alternative childcare. He threw a strop.

As it stands, I had cancelled. I didn't really have a choice and my boss wasn't particularly pleased about it. I let DH sweat it out until 6.30am on Saturday at which point he STILL didn't have a concrete plan (hadn't enquired with his DF, DAunt or DSis who all live on his way to work whether they could watch the boys - seemed to be hopeful that Nanny McPhee would knock on the door at a loose end).

So, long story short, AIBU to think that it isn't fair of DH to marginalise my career in favour of his own and that when he agrees to be on hand to parent OUR children to allow me to work the occasional unsociable shift, he should damn well make sure he does it?

[VenusRising]

I see no evidence that the op and her DH are communicating effectively at all.
Communication is a two way thing.

If the op is thinking clearly she will see that she and her DH need to improve their communication styles to include each other's opinions when making decisions.

Her DH may get more from communication lessons than the op, but they're in this together, so they will have to learn together. Is basic logic, no?

To those who cry bollocks, you may well have to rethink your communication styles yourselves if you can't grasp that a marriage is a team and team work requires communication, not dictation from one side or the other, and corresponding compliance.

The fact that the op is having trouble with her DH is a clear indicator that they need marriage therapy in communication, and if this seems unpalatable for some reason, mediation is a quick way of achieving a stated goal (IE better communication styles and protocols) with out the belly button searching of therapy.
I recommend a marriage therapist, (relate) or a local mediator.

I'm not saying this situation is the OP's fault, but she has a problem with communication in her marriage none the less, and they need to address that.

Mediation and therapy helps participants find their pathway through these problems with an agreed timeframe.

[carabos]

I understand the OP's reasons for backing down, but if ultimately that's what you're going to do, don't play games. The adult transaction would have seen the OP make crystal clear that she was bailing him out only because he's on probation in a new job and she won't be doing it again, probation or not.

If you're going to go toe to toe with someone, you need to be sure that you're going to stand your ground. I imagine that the OP's DH knew full well how this would play out. Next time, she needs to be less predictable.

[Falling270]

He has been completely out of order. No way would I cancel work that I had booked in before him regardless of his probation etc. He's treating you like you ultimately have responsibility for your children and he chips in when it's convenient. You should have told him in no uncertain terms "If you take the work you need to organise childcare because as I've already told you I'm working." To be honest even having to spell it out like that to him shouldn't be necessary.

I find it so annoying when women treat having husbands like training a labrador- having to show them how to behave and reward them for good behaviour, ultimately picking up the pieces when they selfishly go about their lives, acting as if they have zero responsibility.

If you want to keep up your good record at work he's going to have to start acting like an adult. And no, biggest earner doesn't take precedence.

[Falling270]

WHY did you cancel your work?!

[ChicRock]

I agree with LeaLander too.

You shouldn't have cancelled your work, but having done that, leaving it until the last second to tell your DH that you'd sorted it was silly game playing.

I doubt he'll take you seriously the next time and will breeze off to work regardless.

[RaspberryOverload]

So, basically the OP's DH took the piss big time by doing precisely nothing to solve this problem.

He's just assumed that OP will buckle and do the "wifework" of sorting it all out, which sadly OP did.

So he's now got the precedent of OP cancelling her work for his, and he'll do it again unless it's forcefully rammed home that this was a one-off and that next time he puts himself down to work when OP is also working, he steps up and sorts the childcare.

[kittensandgin]

I'm not backing up what the OP's husband has done; he sounds like an ass. But I think it's ridiculous that as a supposed team they can't work to find a solution instead of "too bad, your turn this weekend, haha!" nonsense and then dead silence on the matter for two days.

Totally agree with this, LeaLeander, your posts are spot on!

[OnlyLovers]

Why didn't you suggest one of his family members or all of them and make him ask them himself?

Because the DH is (one must assume) a competent and functioning adult who has the capacity to think about childcare himself?

[pinetree22]

ynbu but this is men we are talking about. when mine had an interview once at 9 am one day, he was running up to next at 8pm the night before to buy a suit. i wouldnt have cancelled my work

[crazywriter]

What he did is U, but what you did is too.

You shouldn't have cancelled a day's work, but you should have put out options for childcare arrangements that he could have made. He suggested your DM and you countered that she couldn't do it. Why didn't you suggest one of his family members or all of them and make him ask them himself?

As others have said, you've set a precedent that you'll drop your work if he ballses up again. Now, not only do you need to talk to him about what happened but also make sure he realises that you're not going to save his arse in the future. Ask him what he thought he was going to do had you gone out to work.

[LeaLeander]

I'm not backing up what the OP's husband has done; he sounds like an ass. But I think it's ridiculous that as a supposed team they can't work to find a solution instead of "too bad, your turn this weekend, haha!" nonsense and then dead silence on the matter for two days. Does she want him to work or doesn't she?

Besides, the OP herself admitted that her reasoning was the same as mine for why it makes more sense for him to keep a work commitment and hence for her to help him keep that commitment. See her comment here: Why did I cancel? A couple of reasons, I suppose. Firstly, I've been in my job longer than he has, I've had chance to build my reputation with my employer so, despite my boss being displeased at the late cancellation, I knew ultimately that I'd be forgiven and could depend on my previous work reliability to make up for it. DH is still on probation so doesn't have that luxury.

So much for "the losing end." My comments and evaluation of the situation are in total sync with the OP's own logic, once logic prevailed.

If one marries and has children with an irresponsible weakling, what does one expect? One will be mopping up after him forever. I'm sure this wasn't the first time and wont' be the last.

[leelu66]

YANBU, OP. He clearly thinks it's woman's job to sort childcare.

I would warn him that next time he pulls something like this, you will not prepare a fall back position for him.

[FrenchJunebug]

YABU for cancelling. Seriously next time it happens your DP will expect you to cancel again.

[Topseyt]

Leander, does it not occur to you that as the lone voice backing up what OP's DH has done, YOU are the one on the losing end.

I understand why OP cancelled this time, but have said that she needs to be clear that it will not be a regular thing and her DH will have to be the one sourcing suitable last minute childcare if he carries on in such and unthinking manner.

[Seeyounearertime]

Interestingly the thread has pretty much unanimously agreed that OPs DH is a bit of a dick.
lea your opinion has been singular voiced, minority at best, yet you seem to think Rude is 'losing'?

Can you explain exactly how Rude is 'losing' when there's nothing to lose? I don't understand.

[RudeElf]

No lealeander i just remember why i tend to avoid engaging with you. You are tiresome and i half suspect post only to be contrary as it is how every single thread you are on goes. Nothing to do with losing, there is no win or lose here, its a thread full of opinions, i cant lose my own opinion.

[RealityCheque]

Overtime unpaid? Fuck.that.

[Topseyt]

I would be angry, OP.

He did not approach it in the right way.

I get the point that you are established in your role at work and he isn't yet, so this time you did cancel. You do, however, need to put paid to the assumption that you will always cancel for him.

Further down the line he will have to be prepared to say to his employer that he may not be able to work certain weekend shifts without good notice because you also work and there can be issues with childcare. Flexibility may be possible, but only with plenty of notice. That is just how it is when children are young (did you say how old they are?).

I would be sitting down with him and laying that one on the line. Both of your jobs are important.

[LeaLeander]

It's always apparent you are on the losing end of a discussion, RudeElf, when you start resorting to personal attacks on other commenters. Predictable as clockworks.

[RudeElf]

And he will keep trying because he has the 'justifications' of higher earner, newer in his job/probation period and probably, now, the fact that "your boss was ok with it the last time".

[RudeElf]

Christ you are tiresome lealeander

Yes OP, i would be angry in your shoes. Can see why you cancelled work but being honest, do you see him catching a grip from this point forward now that you did it? Serious words need to be had. He will keep trying this you know.

[NotSayingImBatman]

LeaLander I'm not going to argue that he hasn't behaved like a feckless waste of space, because he has. But the reason I'm posting is because I'm genuinely surprised that he's done this and wanted to know if perhaps I'd wandered into some kind of alternate dimension where this kind of behavior is acceptable.

Does the job with the highest wage take priority?

[NotSayingImBatman]

Sorry, I've been in a meeting so couldn't reply.

Why did I cancel? A couple of reasons, I suppose. Firstly, I've been in my job longer than he has, I've had chance to build my reputation with my employer so, despite my boss being displeased at the late cancellation, I knew ultimately that I'd be forgiven and could depend on my previous work reliability to make up for it. DH is still on probation so doesn't have that luxury.

Secondly, he gets paid for overtime, I don't.

I'm not actually angry at him accepting the last minute shift, that's par for the course with his kind of work. I'm annoyed that he decided I had to deal with rearranging the childcare for him and I'm annoyed that he made sure he was out of the door before I needed to be to ensure that it would, quite literally, be me holding the baby.

Had he come to me and said 'look, I have to take this shift, I've tried X, Y and Z but no one can watch the boys, would you mind, just this once, rearranging your work please?', then I wouldn't have been pissed off.

[LeaLeander]

Tues-Wed-Thurs IS mid-week to me. The point is this childish "it was my turn to work you need to deal with the kids" attitude. Surely the task of ensuring that both parents are free to work is not one to play games over?

He was called into WORK, it's not as though he were sticking her with the kids so he could attend a two-day boozefest. She said he's been out of work and that this job was a welcome relief - one would think she would not be "too bad, so sad" when their previously arranged work schedules and childcare arrangements are thrown into disarray by a boss's request.

Would it be great if the husband were capable of arranging this himself? Sure, but apparently he is not either willing or able. I highly doubt this was the first indication the OP had of his fecklessness and yet she still chose him as the father of her offspring. If you deliberately and voluntarily tie yourself with kids to a man who is a selfish poor planner, why act indignant and surprised and hard-done-by when the predictable results come to pass? And the ruse about her still going into work, to "teach him a lesson,' is just as immature.

[RudeElf]

Ethics is why some people or companies do not like employing working mums.

ethics?