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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my colleague has upset me

80 replies

Eeyore86 · 26/04/2016 11:51

We have a new woman at work, this is her second week, she is currently sharing my office and she does seem very nice.

I have EDS so I am very flexible and my joints do go into positions that people can view as strange, because of the condition I can sit in positions that are comfortable to me without realising that it does look odd.

The new woman hadn't seen this until today when I reached for something in the main open plan office and at the top of her voice said "oh my god that's totally disgusting don't ever do that again"

AIBU to be upset by this? I feel mortified in front of my colleagues, I understand that she's never witnessed it before and might be a bit shocked but surely there are better ways to react?

I don't know whether to broach this with her or just to let it go but it has made me feel awful, with crutches and braces I stand out enough at work and I don't need anyone to draw attention to me

OP posts:
TheCuriousOwl · 26/04/2016 19:18

I'm hypermobile and do the same, and normally I'd laugh it off, if someone was repeatedly coldly 'I'm sorry but it's disgusting' my laughter would vanish and I'd kick their arse (metaphorically).

She needs a talking to from a manager. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

leelu66 · 26/04/2016 19:26

OP, I think you're being too reasonable. She called it/you 'disgusting' even after you explained.

Please do complain to your manager.

Original poster
Eeyore86 · 27/04/2016 09:28

Well when I got to work this morning my manager was waiting to see me and asked about yesterday as a couple of colleagues had mentioned it to him as soon as he arrived this morning.

He's going to have a word with her later on after our training this morning, she's seen me today and only thing she said other then morning is any idea where I can find a new desk

I'm sure my manager will handle it well and do a gentle reminder of what is acceptable and hopefully she takes it onboard

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 27/04/2016 09:30

and only thing she said other than morning is any idea where I can find a new desk

Shock

Good for your manager.

Penfold007 · 27/04/2016 09:40

"Where can I find a new desk" what a nasty example of disability discrimmination!

pictish · 27/04/2016 09:46

She sounds woefully ignorant and rather self-centred and childish to me. The initial comment I would have let slide as an ill thought out flippant remark, but the fact that she reiterated her stance when you spoke to her says she's not terribly wordly wise or mature. Silly bloody woman.

emwithme · 27/04/2016 09:51

Well done your Manager!

I also have EDS, and sometimes I have to be reminded to sit in a more "appropriate" position (not because it's disgusting, but because my DH and my best mate etc know that if I am properly relaxed I will sit in a posture that isn't good for me, long term)...but then again, I do say "is this normal-normal or just-bendy-normal" while doing something odd (like interlinking my toes while having my legs straight and touching all the way down...I didn't realise that not everyone did this when they were going to sleep until a couple of years ago!)

Perfectlypurple · 27/04/2016 09:58

I've never heard of EDS before so just googled it. I can't see anything that would warrant a gross comment. People are twats sometimes. Glad your manager is dealing with it.

OnlyLovers · 27/04/2016 10:06

I'm glad your manager is on it, OP. She sounds like an unpleasant twunt immature at best. It isn't acceptable to shout that a colleague is 'disgusting', in any circumstances.

purplepandas · 27/04/2016 10:19

Glad your manager is on board. That is an appalling reaction on her part. I have heard of EDS but that is not the point. As you say, people should be able to control their tongues. Hope the colleague is reminded of how inappropriate her comment was and that this impacts positively on how she interacts with you in the future. Sounds like the rest of your colleagues are lovely thankfully.

ChatEnOeuf · 27/04/2016 10:27

Glad your manager seems to be on top of things - what horrible behaviour! I also have EDS, and aside from a couple of raised eyebrows when people notice (mostly when I'm leaning on tables, etc.), I've never had that kind of reaction. Completely OTT and rude.

Leigh1980 · 27/04/2016 10:32

I have exactly the same things with my elbows. I get a lot of comments but I turn it into a joke and wind people up. I'm actually proud of my ability as its different. But I can't help it and do t notice my limbs until someone points it out. But I have also had people say that's so cool to me. I don't take it personally when I get the gross remarks.

SistersOfPercy · 27/04/2016 10:39

waves with thumb dislocating

Another here. I get the odd comment but nothing like you've experienced op. A colleague heard my knee go when I knelt at work the other week but laughed when I replied "it's OK! It's gone back in!"

You do get used to it though and I agree it's easy to forget others might be shocked by it. I'm 42 now so my joints are being to stiffen (sadly this doesn't seem to apply to my thumbs which are always popping in and out) but I have passed it on to dd who takes great delight in watching people's reactions.

KeyboardMum · 27/04/2016 10:56

He original comment was childish and flippant. I'm guessing she's quite young and lacking in social grace. You perhaps should have put her in her place there and then, instead on letting it build up - like take her to brew up and quietly explain that it was because of your condition and that you were sensitive about it.

However, since she is clearly still being quite vocal and insensitive, you'll need to create a record of the instances and present it to your manager, along with your complaint. If she continues to discriminate against you, get it written down and keep complaining. She won't last long if she continues to be vile.

prettybird · 27/04/2016 11:16

If she makes another comment, reply just as loudly "Do you mean to be so rude Hmm" (Good old MN retort Wink)

Glad your manager and colleagues have your back. If this girl is young (as you describe), she is really going to have to buck up her views. Better dealt with now, so that she can learn how inappropriate and illegal they are.

Original poster
Eeyore86 · 27/04/2016 12:43

Manager has had meeting with her and then she asked if I would attend as well.

She did apologise for calling me disgusting but the proceeded to say "you have to get it is just wrong though" I told her that I can appreciate it does look wrong and can sometimes look like a serious injury but she does need to realise that I cannot help having a genetic disease and that she was coming across as extremely rude, at this point she did seem very embarrassed and hastily said she didn't really mean it personally

My manager stepped in and just reaffirmed professional boundaries with her and she did apologise again (without any additional comments this time!) so hopefully that's it sorted

Thanks very everyone's advice Flowers and comments definitely helped and will also try not to let things get to me as much in future as well

OP posts:
iMatter · 27/04/2016 12:56

Is she still on probation?

She'll be out the door soon if she is.

She's unprofessional, nasty and frankly stupid.

I'm pleased your manager stepped in.

I hope this is the end of it for you.

OnlyLovers · 27/04/2016 13:02

Christ, she's thick-skinned or perhaps just thick. Doesn't she know when to just stop talking?

Anyway, it sounds sorted for now so fingers crossed!

AskingForAPal · 27/04/2016 14:34

Bloody hell! Is she really young? She sounds about 17 saying "you have to get it's just wrong though man".

Anyway good for you standing your ground, sorry you had to FGS but it's great that your manager is on side. Hopefully she'll learn that not all of her thought processes are gems fit for the whole office to hear.

RhodaBorrocks · 27/04/2016 15:57

Glad you got it sorted, but OMG she would wind me right up! Rude, ableist and self absorbed! I have EDS too and all I've ever had at work is concerned people telling me not to bend in ways that may cause me damage!

Wonder how she'd cope with a former colleague of mine who was a partial amputee, or my wonderful Nan who had a large facial birthmark.

Imo having a mind as closed as hers is far more disgusting!

Original poster
Eeyore86 · 27/04/2016 16:06

I believe she is 20-21yrs old so not that young but hasn't worked in an environment like this before.

I think it was more of a case of not knowing when to stop talking, hopefully she will be able to avoid that with the client base we work with.

She is on probation but hopefully she'll learn from this and make it through that period ok, I think she'll be good at her job which is the main thing and hopefully this is the end of it.

On the plus side it's shown me that my colleagues care (logistically I'm quite separate as I have a downstairs office due to stairs being a nightmare for me and impossible on wheelchair days so miss out on a few things) and reconfirmed that my manager is a star

OP posts:
PotOfYoghurt · 27/04/2016 16:14

You sound like a very level headed person eeyore. You've handled yourself with a lot of grace.

RhodaBorrocks · 27/04/2016 16:26

You are a bigger person than me Eeyore. I think i'd totally have a problem with her for a long time after that! You sound like you have a very supportive workplace - my boss has just authorised private pain management for me today, so i have the warm fuzzies for supportive bosses today which is unusual .

TheGonnagle · 27/04/2016 16:34

Well done you for handling it so professionally. I am also EDS with hyper mobility and I'm having trouble at work with colleagues bitching behind my back. You are lucky to have such great management, my manager called me into the office last week and suggested I was using the chronic kidney disease that is also wrapped up in my EDS (collagen fail within the kidney) as a , wait for it, get out of jail free card.
Not impressed.

Some people just can't get their head round invisible illness can they?

Original poster
Eeyore86 · 28/04/2016 13:12

Oh my god thegonnagle thats awful how on earth do people actually say those things! As if a generic disease is a get out of jail card Angry

If people understood half of what EDS can cause they wouldn't be so dismissive especially in relation to chronic pain, I know I've had a friend of my "best" friend questioning whether I'm really ill (and she's a doctor you'd think that would give her some clue then again my so called best friend laughed along with it)

I don't get people at all, they certainly can make a bad situation worse, though on the positive side my work colleague hast said anything today

OP posts:
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