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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my colleague has upset me

80 replies

Eeyore86 · 26/04/2016 11:51

We have a new woman at work, this is her second week, she is currently sharing my office and she does seem very nice.

I have EDS so I am very flexible and my joints do go into positions that people can view as strange, because of the condition I can sit in positions that are comfortable to me without realising that it does look odd.

The new woman hadn't seen this until today when I reached for something in the main open plan office and at the top of her voice said "oh my god that's totally disgusting don't ever do that again"

AIBU to be upset by this? I feel mortified in front of my colleagues, I understand that she's never witnessed it before and might be a bit shocked but surely there are better ways to react?

I don't know whether to broach this with her or just to let it go but it has made me feel awful, with crutches and braces I stand out enough at work and I don't need anyone to draw attention to me

OP posts:
ChemistryHunt · 26/04/2016 12:49

Eeyore - That certainly doesn't sound worthy of a "disgusted" reaction.

I could understand a curious look or even maybe her asking if that hurt.

However nothing in that pose is inappropriate in the workplace, so she really should have thought about it before speaking.

I do think that a quiet word may be for the best, as she most likely doesn't know why your elbow did that or that it wasn't on purpose.

I would hope that once she knows she will just look away if body things do give her the creeps, the same way people do it they don't like blood or similar.

KittensandKnitting · 26/04/2016 12:53

Eeyore mine does that lol I can just stretch out and it happens but have to admit that's what I used to do as a kid to freak people out... But it can just happen :)

Good luck with her!

BillBrysonsBeard · 26/04/2016 12:56

I can understand her being shocked but she shouldn't have used the word 'disgusting', even if it was a split second reaction. I would have a word so she understands it and doesn't come out with something like that again.

derxa · 26/04/2016 12:56

Good for you being direct. Flowers

Original poster
Eeyore86 · 26/04/2016 18:06

Had a brief chat with her and explained about the EDS and that as a result of this my joints can do odd things, her first response was sorry but it was disgusting, didn't really get anywhere in the chat after that but I did explain that whilst I was sorry it made her feel like that it most likely will happen again, on the plus side I think she's going to look for a hot desk rather then my office.

NanaNina it's a genetic condition but has left me disabled most people have never heard of it including a fair few medical staff
sadly

Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I'm hoping that as she's young (ish early 20's) she may develop a bit of a filter when it comes to not saying exactly what she thinks at work

OP posts:
Margay · 26/04/2016 18:12

I hope she moves away from you. What kind of person thinks it's okay to act like that towards someone's disability and not even be ashamed?!

Waltermittythesequel · 26/04/2016 18:16

I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. But she's a bitch.

ilovesooty · 26/04/2016 18:19

It's about time she was introduced to the company equality and diversity policy.

WellThisIsAwful · 26/04/2016 18:19

Her attitude is thing that's disgusting here!
She needs to actually get a fucking grip.
I have hypermobility also.

ChemistryHunt · 26/04/2016 18:22

I think it will be better for you if she does move, although a big part of me is appalled that she is going to move away from you because of your condition.

That doesn't sit right with me, however I am sure it will be more relaxin for you so I suppose it's better in the grand scheme of things.

monkeywithacowface · 26/04/2016 18:23

I would probably raise a complaint against her after that conversation completely unprofessional of her.

sneepy · 26/04/2016 18:28

Personally I'd report the "I'm sorry but that's disgusting " comment to your manager and HR as that is an awful thing to say to anyone.

Original poster
Eeyore86 · 26/04/2016 18:38

I'm going to have a quiet word with my manager tomorrow about it, trying really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt but majorly struggling with it tbh!

Don't know why this is upsetting me so much guess I'd tried hard to make her welcome to the team/building

OP posts:
sneepy · 26/04/2016 18:45

I think you'll actually be doing her a favor if you report it. She's very young, she may just need to be told that you can't say things like that before she opens her big mouth in front of somebody less kind and understanding than yourself.

RaspberryOverload · 26/04/2016 18:46

I'd certainly be looking to have a word with the manager. Her follow up comment repeating the "disgusting" remarks suggest she might end up talking to others and repeating them again.

stiffstink · 26/04/2016 18:47

You have to wonder how she'd deal with visible disabilities of people she doesn't know if this is how she speaks to her colleague in a professional environment.

Etainagain · 26/04/2016 18:48

YANBU she sounds really rude. Some people are just so bloody insensitive. Even if she doesn't know anything about your condition, it was a total overreaction and an unnecessary thing to say.

blankmind · 26/04/2016 18:51

Please, please have a word with your manager, her conduct is disgraceful. I wish I worked with you, I'd give her a short sharp introduction to Disability Discrimination. Dragon

For you, lovely Eeyore Flowers Cake Chocolate and plenty unmumsnetty hugs.

GingerMerkin · 26/04/2016 18:52

Presumably this person is in her probationary period at the moment. Would be a kindness to mention to HR as she will not get through otherwise. If I was a colleague of yours I would be raising a complaint on your behalf. She is young, so what, she needs to learn like now what is acceptable in the workplace.

AliceInUnderpants · 26/04/2016 18:52

I'd find the follow up upsetting but not the initial comment, tbh. Many, many people find hypermobile joints 'weird', 'odd', 'disgusting' etc. It's why people used to make such a show out of gurning, or skin elasticity was prevalent in circus circles etc.
Continuing to comment like that after informed of your condition is out of line though.

Lighteningirll · 26/04/2016 18:53

You need to report her she might be young but calling you disgusting once was appalling you have handled it with grace and politeness she has now been rude and disablist (is that a word?) Better that HR deals with her now before she does something sackable.

MyLocal · 26/04/2016 18:53

Wow, just wow, she is very very immature and very very rude, and I for one would definitely speak to my line manager and with a view to raising a complaint against her for lack of respect for diversity in the workplace.

She may grow in a hit when she gets brought up on it.

Narp · 26/04/2016 18:59

She sounds very immature to have reacted like that in the first place, never mind not apologising profusely when you explained.

I she ever said anything to me again, I'd raise a complaint

dotdotdotmustdash · 26/04/2016 19:09

I have HMS (although I have lots of early arthritis from it now) and my son has HMS (Ehlers-Danlos type, but not fully EDS). I know exactly how odd the joints can look to someone who doesn't understand what they're seeing. If my son carries a heavy bag in his hand his shoulder dislocates and the joint can be visibly out of place until he shrugs and it goes back in, it can make people uncomfortable.

I wouldn't be too bothered about this lady, she's ignorant. It might be an idea for a senior member of staff to take her aside and explain that she shouldn't comment about it. Hopefully that will make her think.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/04/2016 19:11

I honestly think you should bring a grievance against her. She was disablist and rude, you tried to address it informally (and in a much nicer way than I would have!) and she persisted in her behaviour. She's a bitch.