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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have named baby after my grandad, not dad?

35 replies

Georgeofthejungle · 25/04/2016 10:42

Ok this may be a bit of a long explanation but will see how it goes..

I had a baby 8 weeks ago. We gave him a first name we both liked and 2 middle names. The first, my partners fathers name and the second my grandfathers name.

I lost contact with my grandfather from about the age of 8 and always missed him. I had so many lovey memories and could still feel the love I had for him. About 6 years ago I got back in contact by finding details online and things have been great since. In doing so i also gained a relationship with my birth father (will call him x). I wasn't particularly looking for this, only my grandfather, but i was willing to
Forgive and forget what ever may have happened in the past. When this happened i spoke to my dad (step dad really, but dad to me) and told him he would always be my dad regardless of relationship with x. My mum and dad accept this although I can tell they are not too happy as they feel this side of the family walked away from me.

So my little man comes along and I name him. I told my mum what his name was to be and there was no mention of any family names etc that she would have liked. In fact she never really took much notice.

The other day she comes for tea and asks me why he doesn't have any of our family names in his name. She says my dad is extremely hurt that his name is not included and that he thought he meant more to me than x's family. As a result he feels like I don't really see him as my dad and thinks I don't want him to be my babies grandfather. I said to my mum - surely you set him straight and she said well 'the evidence is there in the name and I didn't know'.

So now I feel like absolute sh1t and nieve to have named him after people who walked out on me (in my mums opinion) and not the man who stuck by me and took me on as his own.

AIBU to have done this? Is she being unreasonable to put this on me? I can't speak to my dad about it as he would majorly fall out with my mum and it would create chaos.

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 25/04/2016 10:45

I can see why they're upset. Any reason why you didn't add in your dads name? Could you consider adding in another middle name to honour your dad?

TendonQueen · 25/04/2016 10:47

Your baby's name is your choice, no one else's. However, I think you have been a little naive in not realising it could look this way to your stepdad. I think you need to talk to him about it - just say someone else asked you about it, perhaps your partner's dad, and you've only just realised how it might look but that you didn't mean to hurt him and you do see him as grandad.

DonkeyOaty · 25/04/2016 10:49

The appropriate thing to say on hearing a baby's name is How Lovely not cavil at the choices made by baby's parents

lifesalongsong · 25/04/2016 10:51

Since when do we have to include family names?

Your family must be very different to mine and all the ones I know, call your baby by names you and your partner choose, life's too short for that kind of hassle

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 25/04/2016 10:51

Can you talk to your (step)dad - not about the name, not about the name, but say "look, you know you are my real dad and I love you, don't you" kind of thing?

Or something to make him feel involved - like, "dad, when baby starts talking, what do you want to be called - Grandpa, Grandad, Papa?" - give him first dibbs on his name over dp's dad .

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 25/04/2016 10:52

I meant "not about the name, not about your mum"!

Pinkheart5915 · 25/04/2016 10:53

Your baby and your choice what you name him.
I actually think your stepdad (dad to you) was childish why have you named the baby not after me. And your mum as well "the evidence is there in the name"

Arfarfanarf · 25/04/2016 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/04/2016 10:55

I can see why they're upset and you should have seen this coming. That said, you can name your baby what you like. I wouldn't add a third middle name, you'd be ending up with an unmanageably long name. I think talking to your dad is the way forward. Giving him the choice of grandfatherly names is a good idea.

ChicRock · 25/04/2016 11:02

Your grandfather walked away from his 8 year old granddaughter. You've done all the legwork in reinstating contact. I can see why your mum and dad are upset that you've chosen to give your child his name. You need to speak to your dad about it.

Lweji · 25/04/2016 11:03

I think the lesson is not to name children after relatives. Ever.

If they are inclined to be upset they will be upset for anything.
If you had given your stepdad's name you might have been told off because it was only a middle name.

Your mom's attitude would make me wonder if your biofather really walked out, though.

I'd point out to her that she is being emotionally manipulative.

VimFuego101 · 25/04/2016 11:04

Is there a reason why your grandad didn't try and see you when you were young - did your mum stop them or make it difficult to find you? If not, I can see why your dad is hurt to be honest.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 25/04/2016 11:09

Add another middle name, my eldest brother has 4 forward names you'd be surprised on how little they get used, it's not that much of a pain in the arse.

FuckSanta · 25/04/2016 11:11

I think the lesson is not to name children after relatives. Ever.

this.

FuckSanta · 25/04/2016 11:12

My sibling has 4 names plus surname. It doesn't all fit on any official form!

Original poster
Georgeofthejungle · 25/04/2016 11:34

I am very much aware of how emotionally manipulative my mum is being but I can't help but think with good reason. I definitely should have seen it coming and feel so stupid to have not.

My mum feels they walked out on me, they feel my mum made it difficult. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth and I choose not to delve as all that's important to me is that they are now here.

I will ask my dad what he would like to be called. That's a good idea. I really can't talk to him about it, he wouldn't anyway. He is not that kind of person, I'm surprised he even spoke to my mum about it.

I did consider adding the name but then how would that look? Would he then feel like an afterthought?

We are not religious so godfather isn't an option.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/04/2016 11:51

You can talk to him about the future though and what an important person he's going to be to your baby. For my DS we talk about how he's going to be able to play football with Grandad E and learn DIY and gardening with Grandad D and golf with uncle C.

I think an extra name would look like an after thought.

madamginger · 25/04/2016 11:58

I don't think it's your mums place to say anything about your name choice, he's your son and you can call him what you like, there are no rules and you don't have to call him a name just because it's your dads or favourite uncle or cousin twice removed.
My DD is named after my dad who passed away when I was young and my ds2 has my grandfathers name as his middle name, he passed when ds1 was a baby, but they were my choices and neither my parents or pil had any input and said nothing but what lovely names.

SistersOfPercy · 25/04/2016 11:59

DS was named after my Grandad, a man who died when I was 1 so I have no memory of him. DS was also given my Dads name as a middle name.
When DD was born she was given a variant of my much loved Nana's name, mostly because it was a name DH and I really liked. At this point I considered putting my Mums name in there as a middle name but it was incredibly old fashioned (think Doreen) and didn't really go. Mum understood completely.

I understand where your Mum is coming from though, but ultimately it's your child and your choice. A third middle name would be a reasonable compromise I suppose (my SIL has 3, but weirdly DH has just the one). Your child can then choose to if he wants to drop one of the names when he's older?

Original poster
Georgeofthejungle · 28/04/2016 20:45

I'm not so keen to add the third name. I think it might look like an afterthought and also raise a question of why I was being added.

My mum has now taken to throwing all these childhood memories at me. Oh remember when your dad was so great. Designed to make me feel worse.

I'm just gutted to have hurt my dads feelings :( that was not on my agenda at all.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 29/04/2016 04:33

I usually think that people who complain about other people's baby names are in the wrong but I think you've been insensitive. If you had to use family names why go with the man who didn't have contact from aged 8 and you did all the legwork as an adult to find him? I do see why he's upset.

1AngelicFruitCake · 29/04/2016 05:59

I think the fact you used your husbands dad's name it would seem logical to use your stepdad's name. Instead your grandad, who hasn't been there for you like your stepdad has, gets the honour of having his name used.

Think all you can do is explain to your stepdad like you have to us. Yes it might be awkward but better to do it than leave him feeling hurt.

PPie10 · 29/04/2016 06:10

I think you can name your child whatever you wish however you have been very hurtful in your decision. Your stepdad who stepped in and took on the role as your dad, just got cast aside for someone who abandoned you and which only recently you got in contact. I can totally understand your parents upset over this.

Floralnomad · 29/04/2016 06:40

I don't think your mum is being manipulative ,I think she is being honest and I can totally see where she is coming from , I think you have been very insensitive and if I were your 'dad' I would feel like it was a right kick in the teeth . I'm not sure how you put it right as sometimes you just can't paper over a crack.

ChubbyPolecat · 29/04/2016 06:48

Another one here who thinks you've been totally insensitive towards your dad. He must have given you a lot more memories than the man who abandoned you and I would be disappointed in you if I was your mum...better not to have used the name at all really