To have named baby after my grandad, not dad?

[Georgeofthejungle]

Ok this may be a bit of a long explanation but will see how it goes..

I had a baby 8 weeks ago. We gave him a first name we both liked and 2 middle names. The first, my partners fathers name and the second my grandfathers name.

I lost contact with my grandfather from about the age of 8 and always missed him. I had so many lovey memories and could still feel the love I had for him. About 6 years ago I got back in contact by finding details online and things have been great since. In doing so i also gained a relationship with my birth father (will call him x). I wasn't particularly looking for this, only my grandfather, but i was willing to
Forgive and forget what ever may have happened in the past. When this happened i spoke to my dad (step dad really, but dad to me) and told him he would always be my dad regardless of relationship with x. My mum and dad accept this although I can tell they are not too happy as they feel this side of the family walked away from me.

So my little man comes along and I name him. I told my mum what his name was to be and there was no mention of any family names etc that she would have liked. In fact she never really took much notice.

The other day she comes for tea and asks me why he doesn't have any of our family names in his name. She says my dad is extremely hurt that his name is not included and that he thought he meant more to me than x's family. As a result he feels like I don't really see him as my dad and thinks I don't want him to be my babies grandfather. I said to my mum - surely you set him straight and she said well 'the evidence is there in the name and I didn't know'.

So now I feel like absolute sh1t and nieve to have named him after people who walked out on me (in my mums opinion) and not the man who stuck by me and took me on as his own.

AIBU to have done this? Is she being unreasonable to put this on me? I can't speak to my dad about it as he would majorly fall out with my mum and it would create chaos.

It is very important that you chose the name you think suits your baby. You know what is best for your baby. I would then stick to your guns and not be swayed by emotional guilt being put on you by family. This is your child - and your decision.

Be strong

My DS is named after grandfathers on both sides, DH is very into genealogy and likes the history of the names (especially the first one as it traces back 300 years in my family). My adored step-dad isn't mentioned on the names.

However, he is called grandad- DS knows why I don't call him Dad, and always has done- and has a very close relationship with DS. He held him in the delivery suite when DS was 20 minutes old, he has been on many holidays with us and took DS to his first "big" football match (a big deal to them both). He is also a Godfather to DS, an important role within our family. My natural father doesn't have that with DS, for unavoidable reasons. Names don't buy a relationship, the love does that. I hope your parents can begin to see that.

Have you talked to your dad about it? A good honest talk is always better.
The same for your mother.
It might not have been the best decision, but it's taken and she must stop the emotional backlash. Tell her this when you think she is being emotionally manipulative. She might not be doing it on purpose, it might just be something at the forefront of her mind and she'll just talk about how great your dad is. But you can simply reassure her and tell her that what she is doing is hurting you.

As for showing your dad how much you care, he's your dad. You call him dad. I'm sure he takes precedence in everything in your life already. That should show how much you care for him already. Names are just names.

I think you are being naive to say that it wasn't on your agenda to hurt anyone (not saying that you intended to hurt, just that hurt was inevitable given the circumstances)

If you choose to name your baby 'after' family members it does make people feel they've been left out.

Your partner's father was chosen from his side, a grandfather who didn't bother to keep contact with you was chosen from yours - above the man who has been a father to you. I can see straight away that he would be hurt.

Ultimately it isn't anyone's business what you call your baby, but life is easier if you don't use family names because if you do and someone is left out they are inevitably going to draw conclusions about their importance relative to others who have been chosen. And from your step father's viewpoint you value him less than a grandfather who frankly wasn't that interested.

I would guess that a step father always has a bit of insecurity about his place in a child life because he is not the 'biological' father - you've confirmed his insecurities.
I also don't think your Mum is being manipulative - she's hurt for your stepdad and she let you know - better to have it out than let it fester.

You say you haven't delved into what exactly happened - she may have very good reasons for being offended that you have chosen the names of the family that didn't care enough to stay in your life - you probably don't know the details but she does. It's possibly a real punch in the guts for her that their family names are being used. It might be time to find out her side of the story.

There is also the chance that your dm made staying in touch with you impossible for your gd. You seem to imply this was the case. I have seen this happen on too many occasions. If that is the truth then you were right to put your gd in there. But if he didn't bother then in is a slap in the face for your dm. But l under why you did it as you had a hankering all your life for that relationship. I think it's important to know why contact was lost. As you were the loser there and who was responsible for that? It may open a big can of worms. I have zero tolerance for mums who isolate children from GPS on the other side after divorce so probably a bit biased here.

Suggest Grandad first name to your step dad perhaps eg Grandad Ron or whatever.

I always thought that you could change a baby's first name on the birth certificate before they were 12 months old - if the name hasn't been "confirmed" by baptism. Is this something worth investigating?

Unless you're only planning to have one child, you could maybe mention to your Dad that you're saving his name for the next one (or a female version if you have a girl)?

In fact, you can argue with your mother that you didn't give your dad's or your father's name so that you wouldn't have to choose between the two. I think that is perfectly fair, regardless of what your dad means to you.
I imagine that among grandfathers that was the one that meant more to you. It means nothing in relation to your dad or to your father. Or you just liked the name better.
What she must do is stop making you feel bad about it.