To think Dad might have lied about cancer?

[NotQuiteJustYet]

My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up and our relationship was very strained. He and my mother split when I was young and there are large periods of my childhood I don't really recall him being round at all. He told me as a teenager that he had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to live. I was understandably heartbroken and made a conscious effort to spend more time with him, as a result our relationship improved because I was damned grateful for the time I had with him.

Over the last 13 years we've discussed this maybe a handful of times without me being cut off for one reason or another. Every other time it's been brought up, I've been told that it's not progressed hence he's still with us, everything's fine, and he's changed the topic. There's never been anything close to a discussion over doctors, treatments, appointments etc.

I've never had reason not to believe my dad due to symptoms and tests he's briefly mentioned - so I just took it at face value that he didn't want to talk about it, and I've never pushed him as the few times we have spoken I got very upset at the prospect of losing my dad.

My dad has always asked me not to tell anyone else and I have to admit, I've not kept to my word over this. How are you meant to keep something like that bottled up when even he won't speak to you about it? This now means that a web of my family and friends know but he doesn't know they know.

I filled out my dad's sickness benefit forms for him again this year, but this year there was a very clear question along the lines of, 'Do you have cancer and/or are you receiving treatment for cancer?' and he told me to put 'NO' by this. I questioned why this was a 'no' but apparently there's another form that this goes on for a different benefit. Does anyone know if this is the case?

I've seen what cancer does to people, how both cancer itself and it's treatments ravages people and my dad has never been like that. Over the last few years there's been niggling doubts but I've told myself to shut up, because surely no parent would lie to their child and prolong it for this long, but this gut feeling has stuck around.

Am I being unreasonable to have this horrible gut feeling that he's been lying all along? Am I being a massive bitch here? What do I do?

My mum did exactly this to me as a child too, and she was also lying. I told someone in school because she told me she was going to die.

I can understand your reluctance to discuss it if he has form for cutting people off if they question him, which does suggest that he has form for lying to people.

But you need to weigh up what is more important. Knowing whether he lied about having cancer and the way he put that burden onto your young shoulder for no good reason, or your relationship with him now.

It's possible he had a polyp in his colon removed or something, and misunderstood his status afterwards. But it does sound dodgy and on balance, it's likely he just wanted your sympathy.

If he says colon cancer and 6 months to live then it really doesn't stack up. My FIL had colon cancer last year. There was some local spread to the lymph nodes. He had surgery followed by chemotherapy. There was certainly no tablet only option. To be told 6 months to live it would have had to be signicantly advanced at diagnosis and wouldn't have just cleared up.

Hes an alcoholic, and they can be very manipulative.
I think you already know the answer. Someone who has been told they have 6 months to live does not suddenly get a miracle cure.

He got what he wanted; you tried harder. And you are still trying harder.
Sometimes we just have to accept people the way they are, because they are not going to change.

If you look at I'm OK, You;re OK and Gamed People Play by Eric Berne, you may get some insight into the behaviour of alcoholics.

Thanks for your opinions everyone. Perhaps I've been in denial over this for a while and the form has just removed my option to hide behind the potential lie anymore.

I saw him today but couldn't pluck up the courage to bring it up and face changing the dynamic of the relationship yet; plus I'm angry and upset, and not entirely sure how I would have broached the subject. Dad has a habit of digging his heels in when put on the spot so I think he'd have stuck by his story and I'd have just blown up at him. Maybe I need to tackle this once I'm calmer.

EveryoneElsie Thanks, I'll see if I can pick up a copy and get some insight. I'm well used to the games that have been played over the years but everything pales in comparison to this.

There were four alcoholics in my family growing up. Every single one of them "had cancer" at some point, with apparently only months to live. It was all BS. They used to lie about absolutely everything if they thought it would get them sympathy and/or money to spend on booze. One of them even told us her young son (who was genuinely in hospital, very ill) had died suddenly overnight. She told the school. She told her work. We organised a funeral. And when we turned up for the funeral, dressed in black, the child was running round the house absolutely fine.

I'm sorry OP, but I'd put money on the fact that your father lied to you.

I strongly suspect that he lied. This "I only have 6 months to live" ... no. Would you tell that to a young teenager, and then ask her to not tell anyone?

If you really had cancer, wouldn't you phrase it more like "I might not have much time left" instead putting a number on it?

Also, you would share the news that the cancer has been successfully treated, etc., instead of letting the threat hang over your child's head.

I'm sorry OP. I'm another one who thinks this was clearly a lie, and that he has behaved very badly towards you.

You could try calling his bluff where you say, 'Dad, I want you to tell me why you lied and told me you had cancer and only six months to live years ago. It's something we can sort out and put behind us, but only if you tell me why you did it now. It's important to me that whatever else has ever happened, you stop lying to me now'.