To think Dad might have lied about cancer?

[NotQuiteJustYet]

My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up and our relationship was very strained. He and my mother split when I was young and there are large periods of my childhood I don't really recall him being round at all. He told me as a teenager that he had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to live. I was understandably heartbroken and made a conscious effort to spend more time with him, as a result our relationship improved because I was damned grateful for the time I had with him.

Over the last 13 years we've discussed this maybe a handful of times without me being cut off for one reason or another. Every other time it's been brought up, I've been told that it's not progressed hence he's still with us, everything's fine, and he's changed the topic. There's never been anything close to a discussion over doctors, treatments, appointments etc.

I've never had reason not to believe my dad due to symptoms and tests he's briefly mentioned - so I just took it at face value that he didn't want to talk about it, and I've never pushed him as the few times we have spoken I got very upset at the prospect of losing my dad.

My dad has always asked me not to tell anyone else and I have to admit, I've not kept to my word over this. How are you meant to keep something like that bottled up when even he won't speak to you about it? This now means that a web of my family and friends know but he doesn't know they know.

I filled out my dad's sickness benefit forms for him again this year, but this year there was a very clear question along the lines of, 'Do you have cancer and/or are you receiving treatment for cancer?' and he told me to put 'NO' by this. I questioned why this was a 'no' but apparently there's another form that this goes on for a different benefit. Does anyone know if this is the case?

I've seen what cancer does to people, how both cancer itself and it's treatments ravages people and my dad has never been like that. Over the last few years there's been niggling doubts but I've told myself to shut up, because surely no parent would lie to their child and prolong it for this long, but this gut feeling has stuck around.

Am I being unreasonable to have this horrible gut feeling that he's been lying all along? Am I being a massive bitch here? What do I do?

Thanks for all of your replies, they're providing some really valuable input here, I really do appreciate them.

I remember my dad saying he wasn't suitable for chemo or radiotherapy due to a heart condition but his cancer was being managed with some tablets and he'd remain on them until it was gone. Nowadays I have access to his prescriptions due to the forms, and I'm familiar with his medications and they all tie up with the other conditions I know about.

I'm really torn about whether to confront him or not. A huge part of me needs to know the truth, but I know just how hard I've worked to get our relationship to where it is and how flighty he has been with members of his family when they've called him out on things in the past, and I don't want to not have him in my life. Sigh.

I think PPs have good advice for a situation where someone mistakenly thinks they have cancer. But this is a situation where the OP has been definitively informed by her father in no uncertain terms not only that he has cancer but that he is dying - he was specific about the time he had left, and about the non-availability of treatments.

I would suggest that it would be very difficult to misunderstand a doctor's advice to that degree of specificity. The fact that he does not still have cancer on official forms, and that there is no trace of any meds to manage an ongoing issue (and no worsening of his condition) really whiffs of something that isn't true.

Surely, if you were even half a decent person and you told your teenage child that you were dying - and then you had good news that you were mistaken, you would set them straight. I can't even imagine all the grieving and the sorrow the OP has been through.

The more you clarify, the less likely I think it is that he had cancer.

Sorry, it wasn't my intention to drip feed at all - I should have put it all in the first post. I was conscious of how long it was, I wasn't really thinking very clearly last night and I couldn't really believe I what I was about to post but it's been playing on my mind relentlessly for weeks since I filled in that bloody form now.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if cancer patients could just forgo the chemo and radiotherapy and just take a pill. I think most of us would put good money on this being bs. It also seems like he has given you lots of "facts" about this and that would be quite hard to overlook. I can't see this being a misunderstanding.

Apologies from me ... that was not an accusation of drip feeding. I'm very sorry that my comment appears to do that.

"I remember my dad saying he wasn't suitable for chemo or radiotherapy due to a heart condition but his cancer was being managed with some tablets and he'd remain on them until it was gone."

They wouldn't have told him he had 6 months to live and then given him tablets to make it vanish. It makes no sense- sorry OP, I don't think he's been truthful with you.

Just ask him. The damage is already being done whilst you're doubting it. Next time you're together and talking, just ask if he ever had cancer.

It might be awkward, but it gives him an out. If he lies again, you've got bigger problems.

It would appear that at the very least he badly embellished his diagnosis but it'd possible he did it for the right reasons - obviously it's never excusable but maybe he thought he did have cancer, blacked out the rest of the appointment and felt it was his last chance to have a proper relationship with you. Does he tend to catastrophise?

That's an ok explanation as far as it goes Anchor but it doesn't explain why he didn't tell the op that he had misunderstood. He has had years to come clean and hasn't. Just weeks ago he was telling op that the info about his cancer goes on another form, which is rubbish and suggests he is still continuing the pretence that he has/had cancer.

Does he have a heart condition?

The people saying they had 'benign cancer' and would tick 'no' - were you ever told you had 6 months to live, like the OP's DF alleges?

My aunt is on a daily low dose chemo tablet to manage some form of cancerous blood condition, but she has not been given a terminal prognosis. And cancer treatments have come on in leaps and bounds since you were 13, OP.

Did he say at the time what form of cancer he had?

It does sound as if he was either catastrophising, exaggerating or being manipulative.

Or mistaken: my parents came away from my Dad's appointment believing that they had been told he had cancer. They rang and told me., understandably in a state of considerable upset. I was upset and went home from work. DP came home from work to be with me. I rushed up there. A week later, it transpired that he did not have cancer, and had not been told he had. (though he did have a condition that needed surgery) They just misunderstood / misheard and being of their generation did not ask any questions of a consultant. But in that case, I would have expected your Dad to update you and explain.

acasual Don't worry, I didn't think you were! I was just clarifying, your comment was fine honestly

YANBU to think your dad may have lied about having cancer. A terminal diagnosis, 6 months to live, cured by taking some tablets. He told you this when you were aged 13 and told you not to tell anyone else.

I think something along the lines of "dad, remember when I was a child and you told me you had cancer and only had 6 months left to live... Can we talk about that please" and take it from there.

AlasAlas, I agree, and understand - the point I am making is that those of you who tick 'no' because the condition was found to be non-cancerous or whatever, were not in a comparable situation to this man who claims that he was told he 'had 6 months to live', and yet is ticking 'no'.

Whether he had cancer or not, it is highly damaging to tell that to a child and then asking them to keep it secret from everyone.

If you are a child knowing that your parent is going to die, you need support to deal with that but, basically, by forbidding you to talk about it to ANYONE, he made sure you didn't have access to the support you needed. Adults should not burden children with such huge painful "secrets". It amounts to child cruelty, sorry.

You are an adult now, and able to take the information in. I would ask him to tell you more about it, before you jump to the conclusion that he lied to you about it.

My dad said he had colon cancer. He does have a heart condition, I have seen hospital letters confirming this, booked appointments for tests, he's had stents fitted etc and he's now on medication so this one I know 100% to be true.

I think I need to 'woman up' and have a difficult conversation.

Memyson - I am glad I'm not the only one thinking that! OP was a teenager when he told her he had 6 months to live. How on God's earth is a child supposed to deal with that secretly, and by themselves? How are they supposed to go through the grief and confusing emotions that surround death on their own? Being told my mother had cancer as an adult in my 20s just totalled me. I cannot imagine dealing with those feelings in such isolation when still a minor.

And if it is a lie, to ask a child to bear all that for absolutely no reason is just dreadful.

OP: you must have suffered terribly.

MeMySonAndI is right - whether or not he had, or believed he had, terminal cancer, it was still wrong and damaging that he told you in those terms.

And OF COURSE you told family on your side - it was the right thing to do, you were a child and you needed the support.

I am sorry that the whole thing has left you with all these issues and feelings.

I had an Uncle who was diagnosed in his 50's with leukemia, he was in his late 90' when he died and was well all through.

That said, it doesn't seem right does it? And I agree with everyone else that asking a child to lie is dreadful. I think you have to confront him for your own peace of mind.

Part of me hopes this has just been a HUGE misunderstanding on my behalf and a breakdown in communication.

Does he gaslight you OP? Because this sounds like you're setting things up nicely to enable his gaslighting. That's understandable because nobody wants to believe their father could lie about such a thing.

Look, it's obvious he's lied. You know it really, don't you?

It's a hideous thing to do to a child. Awful, but it does sound like he's H's changed and maybe he just can't find it in himself to tell you. I don't think it needs to mean the end of your relationship with him but he's obviously hot some explaining to do.

I think you should ask him because you've been asked to complete some forms about you and your family's medical history (could be for life insurance, health insurance, pregnancy etc) and tell him you need to understand a bit more about it.