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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish DP was pleased for me

45 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 23/04/2016 21:36

There is background and much of it played out on here but i don't want to do an rpic post.

After many years of mh issues (that im stoll on meds for) i have just been offered a full time job.

I'll be doing something i love in a very "safe" environment for me (familiar) for not that much money but literally 2 minutes walk from my.house. I'll have to retrain and it will take 3 years.

Im happy. nervous with moments of what have i done? concerned te childcare but its workable. been sahm for 10 years.

But

dp is not pleased for me. he is making the right noises but when pushed admits to being disappointed. feels the job wont challenge me enough and doesn't pay enough. I have a phd but ive no real post doc experience and there are other reasons i haven't persued acareer in the field and now its been too long.

Im so hurt by his reaction. This isn't a high flying job but it is definitely challenging. last year i was pretty much a basket case. my employer has shown faith in me .say they are thrilled to have me and actually gave me the job when they had already chosen a candidate (i feel bad about that).

i just want dp to be proud of me :(

OP posts:
FuzzyOwl · 23/04/2016 21:42

I am sorry your dp isn't proud of you and would be upset as well if I was in your shoes. However, don't let this taint getting the job because you have done really well and should be thoroughly proud of yourself. Well done!

QueenArseClangers · 23/04/2016 21:44

I'm proud of you LEM 💐
Sounds like a brilliant success/recovery story but also like your DH is scared of the status quo changing...

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 23/04/2016 21:45

Thank you fuzzy. It really is a big deal for me . getting sick of feeling not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 23/04/2016 21:47

queen he wants me to get a job.but with more money/status Hmm

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/04/2016 21:48

But everyone has to start somewhere, he should be seeing the bigger picture.

Well done you, sounds as if you've came a long way.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 23/04/2016 22:05

Jobs that come with money and status almost always cost in stress levels and free-time. It's taken me a lot longer than it should have but I've come to realise that for us, the benefits of me being able to work flexible hours in the job I have now infinitely exceed the spectacular salary I could make in a high pressure, corporate role that would get lots of "respect". All that admiration won't put a smile on the DCs' faces when I can be home early.

Not saying a bit more income wouldn't be nice but I'm not selling my peace of mind for it.

I'm sorry your DH isn't proud of you. Like many men, he's probably been trained to see income as the only "real" measure of a job's value. It isn't and I'm glad that you know this even if he doesn't.

GeekLove · 23/04/2016 22:05

I'm pleased with you. What does he mean by more money and status? If it's that easy he can do it himself.

IME how someone's DP behaves when times are good is as telling as when times are bad.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 23/04/2016 22:14

Sad for you LEM as you are super supportive on here and you deserve a bit of support back. I can well imagine how upset you feel, if my DH was like that I would feel the same.

Not sure how you can spell it out to him, maybe let your happiness do the talking once you have started and he sees you succeeding? Weird that he thinks he can decide how much 'status' you should have in your job! Does he lack status in his?

AvaLeStrange · 23/04/2016 22:24

Bloody well done you!

No job is worth risking your health for. If you've found something you're happy & comfortable with that's a great achievement in itself.

Hopefully your DP will get his act together and realise that pronto.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/04/2016 22:25

It's right for you now, he needs to support that.

GraysAnalogy · 23/04/2016 23:03

I hope you're bloody proud of yourself because I don't even know you and I'm proud of you and happy for you! You've overcome a shit time and managed to get yourself back on your feet and even back into work, that's a fantastic achievement.

You're not unreasonable at all, and I think you should communicate how hurt you are with him.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/04/2016 23:08

Congratulations and well done Lem.
You're a Star.
Wine Chocolate Flowers

Kewcumber · 23/04/2016 23:15

How disappointing that he isn't proud of you because he should be, going back to work after 10 years is huge deal - I went back to work after 3 (also have a string of letters and went back to a job self employed which was "beneath me"!) and was amazed by how much my confidence had been dented.

Three years later I am off minimum wage doing more hours and potentially this year earning a reasonable salary.

I'm not sure if you can get that through to him but on the other hand (sas she grasping at straws) it's nice that he believes you should be so highly valued.

MammaTJ · 23/04/2016 23:18

Take enough well earned pride in yourself to make up for his lack of pride in you.

I am proud of you.

Well done. Flowers

QueenArseClangers · 24/04/2016 00:16

If you'd broken your back and were confined to a wheelchair would you be expected to go straight to running a marathon as the first part of your physical rehabilitation?
No, you'd start with gentle exercise and work up to a walk. You might never hit 'marathon' condition again and you may not want to but everyone would be thrilled if you made it to 'walking'.
It's just the same with MH illness. Do hope your DH can see this soon 💐

BigChocFrenzy · 24/04/2016 00:30

Well done, LEM ! Thanks < big pat on the back >
Getting that job is a fantastic achievement after all you've been through.
Sounds like your employer values you, it's interesting and you'll enjoy working there. The 2 min walk to work is the cherry on top.

Your DP is a drip not to appreciate why this is right for you. The corporate rat race woukd wreck your health again and money won't repair that.
Enjoy your new job Smile

EverySongbirdSays · 24/04/2016 00:39

YANBU without getting into it I know exactly were you re coming from and it's a huge leap forward in terms of recovery, money and status be damned, put it in terms of recovery and he might be a bit nicer, he's being a bit of a dick. Is he threatened by you not being SAHM anymore. My mate's ex used to suggest another pregnancy whenever work outside the home was mooted. Hmm

BagelGoesWalking · 24/04/2016 00:39

That's brilliant, LEM Congratulations. Sounds like the perfect job as well, so close to home and doing something you love - which is worth so much more than just money.

I'm starting a new job on Monday (only 24hrs a week) and I'm bloody petrified because I haven't worked for nearly 7 years. Bereavement, redundancy, year-long illness and then death of a beloved aunt sent me into a long, dark hole which I've never really climbed out of. The new job is nothing too mentally challenging (or shouldn't be) so I hope I will manage it. It will be nice to be earning some money for myself. I'm pretty chuffed that I got through the interviews as most applicants seemed a lot younger than me as well (several have been employed, not just me).

It's amazing that you're going back after 10 years and it's fantastic that your employers are so keen to have you. Best of luck! Smile

chickenowner · 24/04/2016 00:41

Congratulations on your new job!

Academic qualifications don't tell the whole story. I have an MA degree and was always an overachiever at school and university.

I am now a part time early years teacher.

I absolutely love my job. I have so much fun every day. A very good friend said that I speak of my job with the most enthusiasm of anyone she knows.

However...

There is so much more to it. I may be highly qualified, but I CANNOT cope with pressure at all. I have found a way to make a living which I enjoy, and which is valuable to society as a whole.

If I could cope with pressure, stress, etc, I would be an academic or a headteacher, or who knows what by now.

I have to say, I am happier as I am. :-)

Naoko · 24/04/2016 00:43

Aw, your DP is being an arse. You have done well to get this job and are allowed to be pleased about it.

I started a new job this week. Entry level, part time, pennies over minimum wage, requiring no qualifications beyond GCSE and no real experience. I have an MA and came within months of finishing a PhD (when I had a nervous breakdown and quit before it took what was left of my mental and physical health). DP is proud of me for getting it because a year and a half ago I couldn't leave the house without crying, I was such a mess from everything that'd happened. It sounds like you are in a similar situation so I know how hard it is and how big a step for your confidence. It is a big thing.

And anyway, if you should feel, in time, that the job doesn't pay enough or challenge you enough, then you can find another one. When you want to and are ready. Would it help DP to see it like that? As the right job for you right now, rather than something you've settled for?

yummumto3girls · 24/04/2016 00:47

Congratulations!! Go back to a job that enables you to return to work in to a role you feel happy and confident in. You need to build your confidence and get use to being back at work it's a huge step once you have been use to being at home. Once you have your foot in the door you can look for other things (if you want to!) I think your DP probably wants recognition for your qualifications and experience, they just don't understand the difficulties we face having had time out of the workplace. Good luck

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 00:54

Well this will mean jack shit to you because i am nobody but i am proud of you and really happy that you have found a job you feel safe in. Its a big deal to get to that point. I am sorry DP isnt happy for you. I hope he comes round. But if he doesnt, you still get to be proud of yourself and you still get to do a job you like and are comfortable in. Smile

GarlicShake · 24/04/2016 01:06

What they said, LEM. I'm really happy for you! And sad (pissed off, actually) that DP understands so little.

Well, sod that. Just get along with your job and enjoy your new opportunities!
Congrats : )

FreeProteinFromTheSky · 24/04/2016 01:32

My post woman has a degree and a diploma but just loves being a postie and is one of the happiest people I know. Enjoy your life LEM don't be crushed by this negativity.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 24/04/2016 09:15

Thank you everyone - i am excited. its a bit weird as i was doing this job before i went to university. i will need to "qualify" to do the job completely (although will be doing most of the role from the start) its veterinary nursing and it will take me 3 years to qualify. There is an element of why didn't i actually just train to do this in the first place as i could have been long qualified by now.

I got caught up in college and university and loved it so much. I did well.

at the end of my phd i got pregnant, lost my dad just after dd2 was born and this along with pnd resulted in a breakdown. big time, i was quite unwell. Dp's work suffered we nearly lost our house and financially been screwed since.

I dipped my toes into teaching in fe college and it was an awful job with no support and this brought on a 2nd, even worse, breakdown.

fast forward to now and i work part time (very) for my new employer in a role that some find stressful but for some reason it doesn't get to me . Because im confident in the role - my boss said "you never get stressed" Confused

i think dp thinks this means i wasted my time doing my degree and phd (only did the phd as i was interested in the project rather than the qualification ) . i don't agree, i can utilise my approach to this new challenge and i can't wait.

i just wish dp shared this with me. i am starting to resent this attitude and him and that is a worry.

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