Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wish DP was pleased for me

45 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 23/04/2016 21:36

There is background and much of it played out on here but i don't want to do an rpic post.

After many years of mh issues (that im stoll on meds for) i have just been offered a full time job.

I'll be doing something i love in a very "safe" environment for me (familiar) for not that much money but literally 2 minutes walk from my.house. I'll have to retrain and it will take 3 years.

Im happy. nervous with moments of what have i done? concerned te childcare but its workable. been sahm for 10 years.

But

dp is not pleased for me. he is making the right noises but when pushed admits to being disappointed. feels the job wont challenge me enough and doesn't pay enough. I have a phd but ive no real post doc experience and there are other reasons i haven't persued acareer in the field and now its been too long.

Im so hurt by his reaction. This isn't a high flying job but it is definitely challenging. last year i was pretty much a basket case. my employer has shown faith in me .say they are thrilled to have me and actually gave me the job when they had already chosen a candidate (i feel bad about that).

i just want dp to be proud of me :(

OP posts:
MrsMook · 24/04/2016 09:24

The purpose of work is to add to your quality of life. Yes, that means financial remuneration, but once your needs are met, if the demands of the job and its extra salary are too much pressure and undermining your quality of life, then what is the benefit of working.

Well done. Hopefully he can change his mind when he sees the benefits that you get from it.

ScarlettDarling · 24/04/2016 09:31

Wow Lem, I think this is amazing news and, you know, this job could be just what 'saves' you from your mh issues. I suffer from anxiety and my job really helps. I'm a primary teacher and I love what I do. I love the children and my colleagues and I love being busy and being distracted from my own thoughts. This job could be a huge turning point for your mental health and happiness.

Tell your d'p how he's making you feel. Tell him that this job is the best thing that's happened to you for a long time and that it could help your health, happiness and of course your finances!

Well done you...exciting times ahead! Enjoy!

SanityClause · 24/04/2016 10:00

IIRC from other threads, your DH is a builder?

I think you might just have to understand that he doesn't "get" the pleasure of education for its own sake, or the worth of research purely for the addition to the sum of human knowledge.

We often get the message from politicians, media, etc, that education is important as it enables people to have good employment prospects. There isn't much emphasis put on the enjoyment of the education, for its own sake.

And I am guessing he may never have had that experience of enjoying education for its own sake.

An analogy - my DH likes to cycle. He regularly does feats where he rides up three alpine passes in a day, or rides up a summit several times within a set period of time, from different starting points. I can see that it's impressive that he does it, but I can't for the life of me understand the pleasure he sees in it. (Maybe not a brilliant analogy, but hopefully you get what I am trying to say.)

I think your DH will never really understand why you did your PhD. He only really equates it with higher earning power. He therefore can't see why you would choose a seemingly (to him) lesser job than your PhD might qualify you for.

I think you are are just going to have to accept that you are coming from this from very different angles. You need to feel proud of yourself, and not rely on his approbation for your feelings of self worth.

Oh, and congratulations Flowers. You've come a long way!

lottiegarbanzo · 24/04/2016 10:14

Well, huge congrats on the job. Getting that is a real achievement for anyone who has been out of the workplace for ten years. Sounds like a great role too, with training, security, working in a team, with customers, very rewarding.

Your DP sounds bitter and resentful unfortunately, taking out his own professional frustrations on you, unable to see the bigger picture.

Going back to work after ten years, to something with high pay and status, is madly unrealistic for anyone. I've been a SAHM five years, no MH problems and have done things to keep my CV alive and I know I'd be lucky to get a 'first stage' job, two levels down from my previous one, in my field, as a way back in (partly because higher up jobs rarely come up nearby but I wouldn't get them at this point). Obvs in a different field I'd have to start lower anyway.

Worth noting that it's much easier to find jobs when you're in one, so having any job is the best place to start if you might want another one - though you don't have to want another one.

Having a PhD may become relevant much later, if you choose to develop your career. That's usual, even for very career-minded people in a specialist but non-academic field. They start at graduate entry level but rise later.

Having a PhD is an amazing experience to be able to pass on / influence your parenting and your discussions with DCs about their futures. You'll be able to engage with them helpfully, meaningfully, impressively, on research-related topics.

Was going to say that , if money and status are so important to DP, why is he not a professor, chief exec of a multi-national, partner in a city firm etc but you've answered that partly. Sounds like he hasn't really grown up and understood that life is not the same as adolescent dreams of life and career, that luck plays a huge part, at work as well as outside it, and that making the best of what you have is a real achievement. Perhaps one day he'll gain some maturity and lose some status anxiety? Not easy, does happen.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/04/2016 10:20

Oh, if he's not a professional that could help explain it. He'd have no idea how professional workplaces operate, how important recent, relevant experience is, how irrelevant paper qualifications that haven't quickly been made meaningful with experience.

If he's a builder, would his firm be impressed by a PhD? Doubt it. Neither are lots of others. The ones that are require constant, high level, competitive, effort, towards a career path designed to suit men and single people.

FlowersAndShit · 24/04/2016 10:23

Well done LEM Flowers. I hope to start work soon after years of MH issues, I've never worked and i'm 25.

StillMedusa · 24/04/2016 10:26

Congratulations on your job! FWIW I think it is a fab job... it's one that makes a difference to people (and their pets :) ) and personally I think that matters a damn sight more than the salary!

I have letters after my name... and I work as a TA. Rubbish pay but I can come home and not stress about it..I can contribute something to the household but combine my home and work life easily. You have done amazingly well to recover to the point you are ready to work again and your DP IS being an arse and scared of change as realistically no one is going to leap into a high paid career after a long break, whatever the reasons for the break.

Enjoy your new job !

MrsEvadneCake · 24/04/2016 10:26

Congratulations Lem. You've come a long way and this is an amazing new direction for you to shine in.
Your DH not being proud is painful I know, but please take from here all the love and support for your new plans. We are proud. Thanks

DoreenLethal · 24/04/2016 10:30

Well done Lem.

Time and life experience is never wasted. It all makes us the person we are today. If that person you are today is one that is not happy to put up with his attitude then perhaps the person you are today is not the person he deserves.

pointythings · 24/04/2016 10:33

I think you have done amazingly and your P needs to support you. You will be getting qualifications and contributing financially as well as maintaining your MH. What more does he want? FWIW I trained as an archaeologist but have back problems so no field work. I now do IT support for health research in the NHS (mental health and dementia ). It is great. Life isn't predictable and happiness at work matters. Your P is being an arse.

SnakeWitch · 24/04/2016 10:59

I'm pleased for you! It sounds like you've landed yourself in a brilliant situation after overcoming a lot. I love the nurses at our vets they are always really capable and caring (to people and pets) so you must have a lovely nature.

Does your DP understand the true nature of the job or does he imagine you'll be holding rabbits and occasionally giving a cat a tablet? I view it as a professional career so I can't understand why he's disappointed. I can see why you're hurt.

Well done on finding your path, you might have taken the long way but it's all knowledge and experience. Best of luck with the job, I always quite fancied it myself but big dogs make me nervous!

KittyandTeal · 24/04/2016 11:04

Huge congratulations.

I don't know if it helps but I have accepted that in order to keep my mh issues in check and stay 'healthy' I will never be able to do a high flying version of my job. I will always be a part time classroom teacher without any additional responsibilities. It sounds lame but I tried extra responsibilities and it made me ill with stress.

It has taken me a while to accept that I have limits within which I have to work to be healthy.

It sounds like you've found a role that is perfect for you. Well done 💐

sandgrown · 24/04/2016 11:11

Congratulations! Enjoy the job . It makes a big difference if you enjoy what you do x

Whatthefoxgoingon · 24/04/2016 11:19

Well done you! Star

I've given your DH a mental kick up the arse.

Dellarobia · 24/04/2016 11:35

I went back to work 2 years ago after 9 years as a SAHM. It's a massive pay cut compared to what I was doing pre-DC, but it's interesting and challenging and rewarding and I really enjoy it. I'm part time so I still get lots of time with the DC too.

When I first got it DH was pleased for me, but he also thought I should look into other, better paid options. But now he can see how well it works for our family and I think he'd agree that it's worth it.

Dellarobia · 24/04/2016 11:35

So maybe your DH will realise that too. Good luck!

Brekekekex · 24/04/2016 11:44

YANBU - perhaps he'll understand better once you've started and he can see how positive it is for you.

For what it's worth, I'm proud of you and thrilled for you Smile no reason you would remember me but I posted on a thread of yours about job hunting/types of job to apply for a few months ago and wondered how you were getting on. It's great to heart you've secured a position that you're so obviously made up about Smile

doctorboo · 24/04/2016 12:28

Massive congratulations on your new job!
Retraining will be a great experience. It probably sounds a bit mushy, but hearing what you've overcome and are now set to achieve is a real inspiration to me. If we could sort childcare for the 3 DC I'd love to do what you're doing.

My DH suffers from a similar affliction of not being able to muster enthusiasm over lots of things that are important to me.
I often think he looks wonderful from the outside but has a very bizarre selfish/odd way of thinking sometimes especially if it's related to something I'm keen on .

TanteRose · 24/04/2016 12:32

Wow, well done LEM! The job sounds perfect - you'll be ace Flowers

Cocolepew · 24/04/2016 12:33

Congratulations on your new job LEM FlowersStar
Hope you enjoy it Smile

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread