To not work, because I haven't got the confidence?

[Sunnydayinapril]

Not a benefits related post, as I don't claim them.

But - should you work, if you can?

Is it a bad example to set to children, if you don't?

Or is it acceptable?

If YABU it's only to yourself. You deserve to build confidence, earn money, feel proud of the example you set your DC if you them. You will never build confidence by hiding away from challenges, as you know. But there's no reason you should put yourself under undue stress, or think you 'ought' to put yourself in a work position that might erode your confidence even more.

Think about what you might like to do, even if just working from home, alone, to start with. Loads of us work for ourselves from home. There's a huge variety of work on offer this way. You don't have to dress up and face office politics and management reviews. You can just pootle along in your own time, setting your own targets and taking a break whenever the pressure gets too much.

Is that something that appeals to you?

Why do you have to get a job? Is it due to money pressure or something else?

Yes, that's WHY I've no confidence! :)

My mum was exactly the same. She hadn't worked before and obviously once my brother and I had moved out was at a bit of a loose end. I managed to get her a job at my workplace and she's moved up from a few hours cleaning to fulltime helping with the running of the company (don't want to say what exactly as it'll out me). She says it's the best things she ever did as her confidence has increased and has the adult stimulation she craved once we'd flown the nest.

And you shouldn't rely on anyone for money (I know you haven't stated you do but I've assumed ) as you don't know how things will be in a few years time. If it's your husband you're relying on then what's to say you won't split up and then you'll have no choice but to work.

My mum did what BertieBeat's mum did. She didn't work. She had no confidence. Bullied by my dad for years. But in her fifties she learned to use a computer and got a job in a local office. And though she had no confidence, she discovered to her amazement that the people there liked her and thought she was good and promoted her. Then she moved on to a bigger office nearby where the politics were awful and the people were nasty (I worked there too so I know she wasn't imagining it) so she left and set up on her own and did really well for years, long after retirement, until she got too ill to continue.

I don't know how old you are OP, but my mum started in her 50s and had 20 happy years of work, most of them as her own boss. It's not too late to regain confidence and find something you enjoy that suits your circumstances.

Best thing to teach your kids is they need to become independent and make their own way in the world. Whatever it takes.
I got higher education but didn't stop me from cleaning loos when I had to.

Is it just me or are people feeling more entitled these days? got a degree YEA - so what?! and still living off your parents?. lol

your aren't not working because you have no confidence, you are not working because you are refusing to do anything about it.

if you have confidence issues you can increase your confidence in little steps till you get there.

your were obviously confident enough to attend uni and get a degree.

what changed?

It doesn't make sense to me either, you have a degree so you managed to do that, that's a hard thing to do. Have you developed severe mental health issues since then? Is that what you mean by confidence? My mum never went back to work after dc & severe pnd, agoraphobia and she is old now and she regrets it. Perhaps try and get some help for your confidence issues?

I'm sort of in the same boat, except that I WILL need to get a job in the next year or so. It's so daunting and it really seems impossible that anyone would ever hire me to do anything

I am dipping a toe into volunteering - after struggling to find a volunteer position that didn't require references (I have none, that's half the reason I'm doing it!) I now help out at the local library, which has been abandoned by the council and is being run as a charity. I did six months at the CAB a few years ago but found the office environment and unpredictable nature of the days incredibly stressful, even though the people were all perfectly nice and they wanted me to stay.

I'm also thinking of taking an evening course in Russian as I've always loved and been good at languages, and I just think Russian is beautiful-sounding . Just a way to get out and do something, really.

Meh. Having a paid job isn't inherently good. Do YOU want to work?

OP, I was a SAHM for 12 years and didn't think I'd ever have the confidence to get a job again, or have the CV to even get an interview. I started volunteering in my local library, and after a couple of years became a valued member of their (voluntary) team. When a job came up, they were all really supportive and were able to give me a reference and I got the job. I was terrified the first day, to the point that I almost didn't go, and the thought of having to tell someone off or have any sort of confrontation made me feel sick.

Two years down the road and I'm so much more confident - in myself, in my work everything. It's without a doubt the very best thing I've done in recent years. I was suffering badly with anxiety, and this has gradually subsided since I've been at work. I only work 1 or 2 days a week but it's made such a difference. I take more pride in my appearance, and have a much better social life (and more money!)

So really, do try to get out there, if you think that's what you want. I'm sure you'll do far better than you think

Paid work is insanely overrated in our society. Insanely. While no doubt there are people doing great and worthy things for money (and fair play to them, I certainly have benefited from the work of others and I hope others have benefited from the work I have done for them), "work" in itself is not nearly as obviously wonderful, confidence-boosting, inspiring thing in all its iterations as you might think from recent discussions on here.

In our short history as humans on this planet, work has more often than not been little more than a means to an end - a tool for survival. For many generations of women, their "working" life was time spent unpaid caring for the needs of others or tending to animals/land. For many globally, this is still true. For most of history, work wasn't supposed to make you "happy", it didn't really reflect much more about you than the station in life into which you were born and it probably involved a huge amount of drudgery and boredom with very limited respite - it was just a necessity if you were going to have food, board and security.

Now we have created, as Uruguay's poorest president Jose Mujica puts it in this clip, a mountain of superfluous needs with artificially arbitrary price tags that we "work" to add to - buying, selling, disposing, discarding while hardly living life at all:

Among the five adults and nine children that make up dh and my families, the houses we live in have a total of 27 bedrooms (6, 5, 5, 4, 4, 3). My inlaws get a skip every few months to throw out some of the "clutter" that "accumulates" - as though it wasn't purchased by choice. We are in the 3 bed and renting so in the eyes of many in the family, totally "poor" and life's victims, especially as I don't "work" (I actually do, but it varies as I am a freelance contractor so the mortgage people don't like it). We've just bought into so many bullshit stories about "happiness" and "confidence" and the purpose of work. Work is important if you need it to survive. Otherwise it's optional.

I think we've somewhat lost the run of ourselves if we subscribe to work as a moral duty, or believe that if you don't work you have no purpose. Presumably there's something you do all day every day and if you're not on benefits, what difference does it make? If you were working you'd probably just be buying more trash to send to landfill and driving long distances to clog up the atmosphere. No one seems too bothered about the impact of these things on the world. We're all just living a crazy story where everyone needs to work in order to be valued or valuable. Do what suits you, OP.

I think its fine not to work if you have little children and you are actively bringing them up. With this exception, I don't generally think its right to depend on someone else financially. Its harmful in the case of a divorce, and its also a bit lazy and too much pressure on one person to be the sole provider. It seems much healthier to be in an equal partnership.

Well work gives you an income and financial independence. If that doesn't matter to you and you're happy for someone to ultimately pay your way then don't worry about it. The reality is most women don't have a choice so go out into the workforce whether confident or not.

This thread feels a tad indulgent OP.

YANBU not to work if you don't want to. YA almost certainly BU to lack confidence in your ability to work if you wanted to.

Well lots of women don't have the choice to go into the workplace. Childcare where I live (not UK) is 2,300 euro a month for two children, no governmental supports. And there's no work. So I'd quite like to work and can't.

Yes, but it's all a bit of a nonsense isn't it? If she needed to work, she'd have to take action - whether that would be just to leap in and do it, or to seek appropriate help to do it. So it is a theoretical discussion.

It's only "unhealthy" if it's unnecessarily restricting her life in ways she's unhappy with and I'm not certain that this is what she's communicating.

We are terribly narcissistic these days in the sense we view any sort of "unease" or difficulty with self-concept as unhealthy. It's actually pretty okay to lack confidence in certain contexts if it's not diminishing your overall ability to live a life you care about and value.

I'm really not that great a cook, but it's not ruining my life thinking that. I lack confidence in the kitchen. If that meant I sat there eating nothing and stressing about it, it would be a problem. As it is, it means that I prepare simple foods or (more often) eat foods other people have prepared for me, as dh has lots of confidence in the kitchen.

If OP wants to work and feels that her life is a bit meaningless without it and she's not willing to experience feeling uncertain to overcome that, then not working is a problem. If OP doesn't feel confident about working based on past experiences, doesn't enjoy working, doesn't have to work or want to work and is not on benefits or feeling currently insecure in other ways and living a life she enjoys, it's really fine. It might not always be fine, who knows, but for now, it doesn't sound like a problem.

YABU because you could, with the right support, do something where you improve your confidence. I know it's hard, I don't have any confidence either but I am slowly getting a little now that I've gone back to work.

I think it is a bad example to your children that you have given up (not necessarily that you don't have a job)
These things are insidious and you'd be surprised how much they pick up on and will accept as a normal way of living - you don't want that for them do you?
You can have no confidence - but seeing a gp, asking for referrals to CBT?, doing vocational courses to build up knowledge and then confidence are all things that would show them that you haven't given upon yourself.
We do reward charts for kids - what about one for you? First thing is small manageable steps on the first one - e.g. go out each day, say hello to a stranger while out on bus, get the adult learning timetable and choose something to do, making the gp appointment. Then you can move onto bigger challenges as you achieve these - regular attendance on a vocational course, doing a first pass cv (don't expect it to be perfect straightaway), offer to help out as a volunteer at one off events e.g. school, church, and just keep setting more achievable challenges. The way to do it is to start small and achievable - rather than too big, which could knock your confidence even more.
Plus another key is to not let yourself get in a tailspin if something doesn't work to plan - your kid does badly at something - do you let them fall into a black hole - no you focus on the positives so they can stay on their journey. The thing is as an adult you have to do this for yourself...

People are giving you lots of good advice here but you aren't really engaging with anyone....you are answering everyone with half-sentences.

Do you want a job?

If not, fine.
If yes, apply for some.

And actually, it is that easy. People who do "have to" work do it all the time.

I'll bite though.....and answer the 3 questions in your OP.

IMO, yes, yes and yes.

HTH.

If you got a job, your confidence would improve.

So YABU to yourself.