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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt that they forgot my birthday. Again.

46 replies

Billthecat · 23/04/2016 16:23

For about the fifth year, my in laws haven't sent me even a birthday card. The logical part of my mind is saying "oh well, it's not exactly a surprise, it's not a big deal, hey ho, get on with life". The child inside me (I'm 48 so it's a very old child) is screaming and having a total meltdown at being forgotten.

Hubby's reaction was "well, they're busy and Dad's not well" (parkinsons). He's right. I've no right to make a fuss. But I feel so hurt. I'm really struggling to keep up the appearance that everything's okay. I got a facebook message from his sister on the day, and she lives right next door to her parents. I feel so hurt. I'm not one for having a huge fuss made, just a card would be nice. My birthday consisted of a bunch of carnations from hubby that he bought from the supermarket on the way home and a chinese takeaway as I refused to cook. I don't know if I'm hurt or angry. Perhaps both.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 23/04/2016 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wineandrosesagain · 23/04/2016 16:27

I'd be more pissed off at DH's lack of a decent present.

Seems to me he and his family aren't that bothered about birthdays. In which case stop buying any cards/presents for them. And if his parents expect a card, DH can get it for them.

Debsrocks · 23/04/2016 16:27

I'd be more disappointed in how little effort your DH made to be honest. Not getting a card from the in-laws wouldn't worry me at all specially if they are dealing with serious illness. Unless they are nasty to you in general I would just assume they have other things on their mind and mean no ill- will toward you. Maybe get DH to bring you out for a nice lunch tomorrow to make amends?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2016 16:29

I couldn't give a shite if FIL gets me a present (never), a card (never) or some cash (sometimes as an afterthought).

Your DH sounds like he's doing the absolute minimum. Do you like carnations? I hate them and if DH got me them I would be hurt.

Merd · 23/04/2016 16:29

Sounds like you're angry at him more than them, if that makes sense. If it's important to you then he could remind them to drop you a text, or organise a small get together, and he could get you a gift too.

Is there a way you can tell him this calmly and quietly when you're feeling a bit better?

bittapitta · 23/04/2016 16:29

My in laws never get me a card, just a text message. It depends what your family convention is really I guess? They might not know you expect one.

WipsGlitter · 23/04/2016 16:31

FIL has never got me a card. He got me a present once. Lower your expectations and focus on getting your DP to do better

AnUtterIdiot · 23/04/2016 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 23/04/2016 16:32

Do you send them a gift or a card? If you do, I would stop that immediately. I'd also buy a bunch of carnations for my husband if that's what he thought was a great birthday present.

Original poster
Billthecat · 23/04/2016 16:32

Yeah, you're right. Thanks for putting it into perspective.

OP posts:
Princecharlesfirstwife · 23/04/2016 16:33

I never in my entire married life (before they both died) got a card off my in laws. Never thought anything odd about it or expected it. Your dh mind, now that's another matter. Reminds me little of the year of 'toffee gate' in our house. DH has never repeated that mistake.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 23/04/2016 16:35

The child inside me (I'm 48 so it's a very old child) is screaming and having a total meltdown at being forgotten

Unless there is massive backstory here, this sounds a little bit melodramatic.

I get nothing from my in laws. My DH's family never exchange cards or presents but they love each other very much.

Is your relationship with them good? .

DoreenLethal · 23/04/2016 16:39

I've never had a card from the inlaws. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know if I needed them they would be there.

sooperdooper · 23/04/2016 16:40

Birthdays just aren't that important to some people, what's your relationship like with them normally? I think as an adult it you want to mark your birthday you need to arrange a meal/drinks or something yourself rather than expect people to rememver and make a fuss

Goingtobeawesome · 23/04/2016 16:40

Happy birthday 💐🍷🎂

I've been known to be a baby about birthdays with DH as only once did I get a card and cake. Once. As a child. Once DH realised he made sure to buy me two cards each birthday. Don't really care if others think I'm a spoilt brat as DH is happy to buy me two cards.

OP, I totally understand your feelings. DH is copying his parents and that is no excuse as he should want to make a fuss of his wife.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/04/2016 16:45

I've never had card from in-laws either, nowadays I don't even get a card from my mum (but she's getting on a bit, and I realise it must have been dad that reminded her).

They obviously aren't into birthdays in a big way so try not to take it personally. Don't feel obliged to send them a card/present either, leave that to your dh if he wants to.

Have chat with your dh and (if you spoil him on his birthday) tell him you are disappointed by his lack of effort and you expect more.

rugbychick · 23/04/2016 16:47

In the 6 years I've been with DP I've never received a card from my
"In laws". I don't think they even know when my birthday is. Unless we see them near Christmas I don't get a present. Dd (in laws have 4 other grandchildren, all boys, who live near them. We're a 3.5-4 hour drive from them) gets a birthday card, and no present, not even money in a card. Will again get presents if we see them at Christmas. If not DP will get a cheque from in laws for him and dd.
My parents on the other hand, although only a 30 minute drive away, always DP a card and presents for both Christmas and birthday. I couldn't care less I don't get anything from them. Just wish they'd make more effort with dd

Merrylegs · 23/04/2016 16:55

Ha this is quite apt - was a significant birthday for both me and dh last year and neither of us got anything from his parents (I didn't care but thought it a bit slack they didn't acknowledge their own flesh and blood).

Anyway inlaws are visiting today and mil has just come out with a classic: 'I thought I'd get you a joint present this year as you missed out last year' 'so I'll send you a duvet cover.'

Okaaaay...

Original poster
Billthecat · 23/04/2016 16:55

Thank you everyone, for the different perspectives. I'm a tad unreasonable at times due to severe depression and felt particularly unloved for a while.

I do love a dose of reality check though, and knew I could rely on everyone here. Thank you all!

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 23/04/2016 16:56

When your DH's birthday rolls around, buy him a car air freshner dangly thingy from the local petrol station and order chinese take out.

That would be about the equivalent which you can point out if he complains/wonders about it.

EweAreHere · 23/04/2016 16:57

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Billthecat!

ImperialBlether · 23/04/2016 16:57

Do you send them gifts/a card, OP? Do they expect you to recognise their birthdays? Same for your husband - what happens there?

ImperialBlether · 23/04/2016 16:58

Happy birthday!

Flowers (not carnations) and Cake

Aspergallus · 23/04/2016 16:59

People expect cards from in-laws? Can't say that I really notice whether this happens or not...

SueTrinder · 23/04/2016 17:00

Some families aren't bothered about presents. The ILs are a bit shite about birthdays. It doesn't bother me for myself most of the time but e.g. DD1 never gets a birthday present from them because her birthday is a few days after Christmas which really pisses me off (the other grandchildren all get nice birthday presents and she doesn't get a 'joint' present, her Christmas present is always identical to her siblings). I now do not engage and leave all present buying for DH's family to DH. If he forgets they get a taste of their own medicine.

But supermarket carnations from your DH? Unless you love carnations that is really shite because of the lack of effort involved. Is he generous with gifts the rest of the time or is he generally a bit rubbish? Either way he needs to be told to up his game a bit for your birthday because even if he doesn't think it's important it's important to you that he puts either more thought or more money into your gift.

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