to feel hurt that they forgot my birthday. Again.

[Billthecat]

For about the fifth year, my in laws haven't sent me even a birthday card. The logical part of my mind is saying "oh well, it's not exactly a surprise, it's not a big deal, hey ho, get on with life". The child inside me (I'm 48 so it's a very old child) is screaming and having a total meltdown at being forgotten.

Hubby's reaction was "well, they're busy and Dad's not well" (parkinsons). He's right. I've no right to make a fuss. But I feel so hurt. I'm really struggling to keep up the appearance that everything's okay. I got a facebook message from his sister on the day, and she lives right next door to her parents. I feel so hurt. I'm not one for having a huge fuss made, just a card would be nice. My birthday consisted of a bunch of carnations from hubby that he bought from the supermarket on the way home and a chinese takeaway as I refused to cook. I don't know if I'm hurt or angry. Perhaps both.

I'd be more upset by the carnations.

Bugger the ILs. Your DH has screwed up. I know that on MN it's considered grabby to expect a thoughtful gift from your significant other, but DP and I take time and save to buy something special. It's what you do for the one you love.

Yes, we always send cards, but gifts are for big birthdays only. Two coming up this year (FIL's 80th and OH's 50th).

Someone asked earlier about carnations - I'm one of the small group of folk that actually love them so he chose well, if a tad "last minute dot com".

Thanks for helping me sort my muddled mind out. I'm my own worst enemy at times xxx

Why are gifts just for big birthdays? Why? I love birthdays and make a huge fuss of DP's, my father's, mine and my friends . Why stop in a martyr way? If you genuinely don't like it then fine but I just love my partner so much I want to celebrate the day he started to exist as he does mine

I would be gutted if that was all that happened on my birthday. Mainly the lack of thought your husband put into it rather than the in laws efforts though. We don't buy each other gifts because we can't afford it ( ie we are spending our money on doing up our house and our son is about to start uni) but we always get each other nice cards and make a day of it (go and do something nice for the day). Mine and my husband's birthdays are v close together so this year we went away for the weekend to celebrate both our birthdays together. I think it's nice and would be disappointed to simply get a bunch of petrol station flowers and have to insist on a takeaway so I didn't have to cook. Can your husband not cook, or take you out for a meal? It doesn't need to be anything elaborate just something to make you feel loved and a bit special on your birthday!
What happens on Mother's Day?

Hey, if it bothers you it bothers you. Depression can make you think all your reactions are invalid when they happen for reasons ... But your DP's probably the one to talk it over with

I do flirt with the idea of becoming a Jehovah's Witness purely to stop having to think about bloody birthdays. I know how you feel the but it's better just to make sure you spoil yourself on your birthday and don't let others' actions impinge on your own happiness.

My in laws never send a card. I doubt they even know when my birthday is. My sister doesn't send a card.
My expectations are low and I am never disappointed.

I feel your pain OP. I had a 'big' birthday this year and not one member of my family bothered to send me a card or call round.

Feel thankful u didn't get the £5 discount vouch for a shop you'd never heard of in your card like I did, I sent that back to her and told her she probably needed it more than me.
Your husband should have made more of an effort x

They're a bit preoccupied and your DH is a bit pants. I've learned to treat myself at birthday so I'm not disappointed, as my in laws forget or bung me some money as a begrudged afterthought (I'd rather not have it which is selfish, as prefer a gift with a little thought but know that sounds entitled).
Happy birthday!

I know that my DP loves me very much, but he appreciates a list of things that I would like for my birthday and Christmas. Otherwise I dread to think what I would get!

I always treat myself on my birthday. That way I get what I really want.

Treat yourself op.

As for in laws - they probably don't do birthdays

I've never had a birthday present off my FIL. I've had a card off him once - in over 5 years. Hey ho.

Last year FIL didn't even bother buying my ds (his dgs) a card for his 3rd birthday. I was V hurt by this on my ds behalf - as was dh. He treats my SIL kids much, much better. They get cards and presents off him.

I don't get all the low expectation thing on this site
How hard is it to buy a card or order some flowers?
I love buying presents for people, a bunch of carnations just doesn't cut it

Coffee, I had one set of grandparents who always sent wonderful presents and one who hardly ever remembered a birthday and when she did would send something completely inappropriate because it was on sale in the church bazaar. This never bothered me because I knew no different, it was just the way she was and I never thought about it.

It's only since having children of my own that I have thought about it again and it's only made me sad because I realise how hurt my mum must have been.

My own in laws starting giving me cards once we were married (together many years before that) and then I graduated to getting a present once I had given birth.

Mrskeats I love buying presents too, in fact I pride myself on buying things that people will appreciate, and thinking carefully about it - not just buying generic flowrs/toiletries etc.

However, not everyone is able to do this, or feels confident to. Some people find it difficult to read other people. So as much as they may want to buy the perfect present, they just feel that they can't.

Doesn't mean that they don't care about you though :-)

No parents in law but I always acknowledge my 3 brother in laws birthdays even though don't see them v much. Because they are huge part of my sisters life's and I want to make the effort so they feel part of a wider family. I don't think sending a card to your sons wife is asking to much!

Happy Birthday!

I'd say your in-laws just don't 'do' cards- this can be hurtful, especially if you usually get them a card, but there's not much you can do. Unless you think it's a deliberate snub/ part of a wider issue, I'd just let it go.

I always get a card off mil and it drives me quietly mad. I really wish she wouldnt bother. I'm not into cards or presents at all really. I get them for my parents and kids but not dh or his mum (but he gets her a card).
Maybe your pil think like me and dont realise you'd like one? I suppose if you get them a card separate to and as well as your dh it would be a hint that you like cards.