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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an unfair punishment?

56 replies

FaithLoveandHope · 23/04/2016 12:05

DSD has swimming lessons every weekend partly because it's something she enjoys and means she gets to spend time with other DC her age and partly because swimming is a useful life skill. They cost a fair amount of money and it's DP who takes her, never her mum due to when they fall. However every time DSD has a bit of a strop her mum tells her she can't go swimming. This morning DSD was tired and grumpy and got banned from swimming again. It winds DP up no end but when he's literally told on the doorstep he can't say anything and just has to accept it as he won't have DSD playing them off against each other. AIBU / is DP BU to think this is unfair and there are so many other punishments she could use - or you know, she could try talking to her tired child. Thing is DSD was tired and grumpy this morning but as soon as DP had a proper chat with her she was okay. I could completely understand if she'd done something quite serious but not when it's just simple childlike tiredness. She's only 4.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 23/04/2016 18:16

Are these lessons paid for in advance?

Totally agree that the DM should not be punishing DSD in your DH's time. Your DH sgould discuss it with her.

Original poster
FaithLoveandHope · 23/04/2016 18:22

Lessons are paid for in advance but they are paid (or at least part paid) for out of the maintenance DP pays. I don't think it matters who pays but it's a monumental waste of money when she's missed two out of about 6 sessions so far! She won't even call the leisure centre and tell them DSD won't be there.

OP posts:
amarmai · 23/04/2016 18:28

but how wd you know what the maintenance is used for? Your initial p implied that the mum had not paid for the lessons. I still think it's an inappropriate punishment .

Original poster
FaithLoveandHope · 23/04/2016 18:31

amarmai being a waste of money doesn't mean DP specifically paid for it and it's irrelevant anyway it's still a monumental waste of money which she could be using elsewhere. It's part paid for because when DP offered her money for it she specifically said don't worry I'll take it out of what you already give me.

It's irrelevant anyway, financial implications aside it's still a shitty punishment.

OP posts:
Catmuffin · 23/04/2016 19:17

How does he not carry it out without teaching DSD they're against each other though?
If he has made it clear to the mum that he won't be carrying out her punishments then he has done all he can to present a united front. If the mum then persists in saying she can't do swimming then it is she who is stopping them presenting a united front and there's not a lot he can do

pigsDOfly · 23/04/2016 19:28

Well, that's a very successful way for DSD's mother to make your DP out to be the nasty one here.

She may be deciding when and how to punish the child but she doesn't have to carry it through, she leaves the child's father to do that and that is what your DSD will remember: that daddy stopped her going swimming.

Your DP needs to speak to his child's mother and nip this in the bud. If she want to punish her DD she does it in her own time. It's nothing to do with your DP, he wasn't there when the misbehaviour happened. he doesn't have to be there when the punishment is carried out.

LovingSummer · 23/04/2016 19:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
FaithLoveandHope · 23/04/2016 20:34

So he spoke to her and she didn't seem to understand the issue - no surprise there tbh. He told her if she doesn't stop using it as a punishment he's going to take her swimming anyway. Apparently DSD has been "having a strop every morning and it's a battle to get her to school" - which suggests there's an underlying issue but her mum isn't willing to listen or try to do anything about it Sad

OP posts:
amarmai · 25/04/2016 18:24

I was on board with not stopping swimming lessons, altho i wonder how much your dp can be paying for maintenance ,that ex can pay for the expensive lessons from the maintenance ,after paying for necessities. Now you want us to comment on the difficulties the mum is having at her house in getting her dc to go to school? What does this have to do with you ? mn has many threads regarding difficulties getting the dc out the door to go to school, but the person who has the problem is the person who asks mn . Bringing this up suggests you have a problem with his ex and are getting far too much in the middle of anything you hear .Take a step back is my advice.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/04/2016 18:27

MrsTerryPratchett I love those rules. Just copied them. Yanbu at all op, that's really unfair on your dsd.

Original poster
FaithLoveandHope · 25/04/2016 18:36

Get a grip amarmai. I'm not asking you to comment on anything, just giving feedback on what DSD's mum said as personally I like it when the OP comes back. You're free to ignore this thread if you like. Re how much maintenance he pays, frankly that's none of your business but for what it's worth we're very lucky that DP has a very well paid job and we live in a really cheap (buy actually quite nice) area so DSD gets the financial benefit of that.

OP posts:
amarmai · 25/04/2016 21:38

Take your own advice re GaG ,op. Did you think everyone on the internet wd buy your line ? Your statement that the mum is not willing to listen to the child or do anything to about some 'underlying issue ' that you have decided must be there, is way beyond the swimming pool discipline . You have no knowledge about what happens inside the mum's home yet on the basis of this ignorance you are maligning the mother. I am sorry for the child who is receiving the kind of reactions you are showing here.I am reading your thread as you are giving me insights into how some sms operate.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/04/2016 21:47

Amazing what some people can take from a few posts on an internet forum... Hmm

Original poster
FaithLoveandHope · 25/04/2016 22:12

Isn't it just PaulAnka Hmm

OP posts:
WonderingAspie · 25/04/2016 22:30

What your DP does with his daughter in his time with her has fuck all to do with his ex and she cannot ban anything on his time. I'd say take her anyway, tell the ex that's what happening and if she feels the need to punish then she needs to do something that is on her time only.

I was gobsmacked when I got to the end and it said 4! She's probably knackered. Is she at school?

amarmai · 26/04/2016 03:23

and what the mum does in her home is her business. PA did you read the latest complaint from the op about the mum ? We're not discussing the swimming pool now.OP has a new complaint about what she has decided is happening in the mum's house when the dd is reluctant to go to school. There are many threads on this topic on mn and the school is usually assumed to be at fault. But the op says there is an underlying problem and the mum is not listening to the 4yr old and not doing anything about this 'problem' which she has decided exists! Obv OP cannot know what is happening between the mum and her dd.

Original poster
FaithLoveandHope · 26/04/2016 06:28

Yes Wondering she's at full time school. Think it's making her exhausted tbh.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 09:09

amarmai see, you just seem determined to find fault with the op. That's all I'm reading here.

Original poster
FaithLoveandHope · 26/04/2016 10:28

Fwiw an underlying issue doesn't necessarily mean something big - more just that DSD is probably tired (if how she is with DP is anything to go by - which of course it isn't always) and actually on Saturday it was a combination of feeling tired and feeling unwell. I don't think punishing her especially on DP's time for that is the answer though.

Like you say, I and DP can't possibly know everything that goes on at DSD's mum's house and likewise you know very little about what is actually going on here. It's difficult to convey meaning, tone, background info etc via a few posts on an Internet forum.

OP posts:
WonderingAspie · 26/04/2016 12:45

When DS started school, he was exhausted for months. Took him a while to get used to it. Children's behaviour also goes downhill when they are tired. Sounds like this girl needs some understanding, not punishment! I feel so sorry for her.

I'd stick with your DP taking her and telling the mother that it's up to him what he does in his time and she cannot dictate that to him. Swimming is a life skill and not turning up for lessons that have been paid for is just stupid and wasteful. I never use my DCs hobby's as their punishments.

amarmai · 26/04/2016 14:24

Perhaps reading carefully is a problem for you PA? I several times supported the op on the swimming pool thing. OP started a new complaint speculating on the mum not listening to and not doing anything to help her dd with some hypothetical problem -which makes OP sound like she's got a problem with the ex.What have i said about your home OP?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 14:31

I bet to differ amarmai, reading carefully is definitely not my problem. Your first post was fine, subsequent posts were clearly you trying to pick holes in what the op was saying. You'd just look silly trying to deny that. Perhaps reading carefully is your problem? Bit odd, given it was your own posts but hey ho!

amarmai · 26/04/2016 21:37

and who made you the judge as to which posts are 'fine' or not,PA?

Pettywoman · 26/04/2016 21:43

Bloody hell, if I did this to my 4 year old he'd never go swimming. In fact I'm sure he'd be delighted, he's usually tired and whiney because he doesn't want to go.

SIBU.

SabineUndine · 26/04/2016 21:46

The DM seems to be very wrong headed to ban a healthy useful activity like swimming. It seems a bit spiteful TBH.