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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely devastated that my husband is leaving today even though it's my choice?

46 replies

oaadc · 23/04/2016 07:55

Just that really. It's been a year of constant criticism, comments and negativity.

It came to a head a couple of weeks ago when he wouldn't put DS to bed so I could go and have dinner with my family from Germany who I haven't seen for 5 years.

Lots of stress - DS is 4 and has Autism. Dynamics of the relationship changed when we had him. I went from full time work to being a carer. Nothing I ever do is good enough despite the fact that I do all the 'normal' mum stuff plus all the therapy and appointments, meetings and report writing etc. He doesn't trust me with DS - every accident he has is always my fault.

We don't do anything together - he hates my family who are my support network with DS. He absolutely knows all of this - I've spent the past year telling him. He had an appointment for counselling but didn't go.

I'm so worried I'm doing the wrong thing and I'm so upset but I can't live my life being told that I 'have it easy' and sat in front of the television every evening.

OP posts:
lasttimeround · 23/04/2016 07:59

Breakups = hard + sad

Sorry you're having a tough time.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 23/04/2016 08:02

Breakups are horrible but it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing Flowers

Original poster
oaadc · 23/04/2016 08:02

Thank you - I've been with him since I was 19 (8 years) so really it's my first breakup. A part of me still loves the idiot because he's my son's dad and I'm sad to be breaking our family up.

OP posts:
Jelliebabe1 · 23/04/2016 08:02

Of course it's hard and devastating. You have some courage to call it a day. You know you're doing the right thing though and ultimately you and your children will be better off. I hope you've some family or a friend with you now to hold your hand.

Picture yourself a year from now. Calm serene and happy. Flowers

GoblinLittleOwl · 23/04/2016 08:10

Breaking up is not easy; if it was it would mean there was little love there in the first place, and that is important. You are exchanging one set of problems for another, at least at first, but you will be in control and those draining feelings of resentment will go, to be replaced with those of achievement.

You are brave, and you will succeed. Good luck.

Original poster
oaadc · 23/04/2016 08:33

He is packing to leave right now. He's just told me that I am 'round the twist' because I'm crying and apparently I'm getting everything I wanted so he can't see why I'm upset.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 23/04/2016 08:38

You didn't choose for him to become a useless partner so although it's your choice for him to go, of course yanbu to be gutted at the hand you've been dealt. But you've been strong and refused to put up with the shit and although it's incredibly tough now, you're making a positive change that you won't regret. Hang in there and be nice to yourself.

TheSnowFairy · 23/04/2016 08:38

Flowers for you.

Do you have support nearby to help with your DS?

SoniaShoe · 23/04/2016 08:40

He sounds like an awful person to be in a relationship with. Stay strong today. It's going to be really tough for a while but when you come out the other side it sounds like you'll be so much better off.

He doesn't sound like someone who wants to change so if you stay together things will never get better.

You have your home and your son. Focus on those today. Stay strong.

Grumpyoldblonde · 23/04/2016 08:45

I guess you are upset because this isn't the way you imagined family life, you loved him once, enough to marry him and have a child and he has disappointed you hugely. It will be tough for a while, but in the long term it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Him telling you that you are 'round the twist' says much, he can't empathise or understand and that will make him bewildered as to why you want him to go and go on the attack. It is much easier to stay in the status quo than to change it, takes a very strong person. He has let you down as a partner and father and that wont change if you remain together. Very good luck to you, keep your chin up.

CrazyDuchess · 23/04/2016 08:45

Is there anyway you can leave whilst he is packing or just tuck yourself away in a corner??

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/04/2016 08:48

Even today he could be a bit caring to you about you being sad he is going. But no "you are getting everything you wanted" so you must be "round the twist" to also be sad.
I think even this shows you almost certainly are making the right decision for you and your DS. Hugs and flowers for you Flowers And a good brew Brew

kali110 · 23/04/2016 08:50

Sounds like you will be better off. It's ok to be upset but think you and your little one will be happier. Xx

mummyto2monkeys · 23/04/2016 08:54

Huge hugs mama, you have enough on your plate, the last thing you need is a emotionally abusive, passive aggressive bully who makes you feel like cr*p! As a Mummy to an Autistic son myself, I can tell you that your son will be picking up on your relationship issues, he will feel the tension and your hurting. Be prepared for meltdowns initially, like any change he will struggle through this transition. Just make sure that you keep to his normal routine elsewhere and that you have a quite sensory area to redirect your little boy to when signs of his being overwhelmed appear. You know that once your son has got through this transition he will be happier and feel safer. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

I know that you are upset, your soon to be ex husband is cleverly making you the scapegoat for blame. Prepare for him to lie and distort the truth about you to get sympathy from your friends. I am so glad that you have your family to support you. Can a relative come to stay with you for a few days?

Foslady · 23/04/2016 08:54

You're not crying for him though, you're crying because you've lost all that you hoped for.

Be kind to yourself, each day will seem hard, but you will look back and realise how far forward you have come.

mummyto2monkeys · 23/04/2016 08:55

Quiet sensory area

dietstartstmoz · 23/04/2016 08:56

OP you have been through so much in the past 4 years, having a child with Autism puts so much pressure on a relationship. We have a son with autism who is 8, and our relationship was very difficult for several years. However my DH never put me down or belittled me and was always supportive.
You are upset about the break up of your family and thats normal, its ok to be upset. It sounds like you need time apart and you need to be away from his horrible comments.
Can you take DS out while he goes?
Wishing you strength to get through today

Original poster
oaadc · 23/04/2016 08:57

I'm just sat on the sofa atm. My son was up a lot of the night so we slept on the sofa. My mum and dad are just down the road and are waiting for me to go over but it means I'll have to go upstairs and get dressed etc where he is.

I just feel horrendous

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 23/04/2016 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtSea1979 · 23/04/2016 09:01

You are doing the right thing, you know that. It's not losing DH you're upset about, it's losing the ideal and letting go of the hope you had. Things will get better. Just hang in there Flowers

Spermysextowel · 23/04/2016 09:07

You aren't round the twist. This is something that is thrown at us when we finally realise that life as it is is unlivable & we get to grips with change.
In a few months you'll be less stressed. Your problems won't disappear but I hope you'll have people around who will genuinely help you rather than belittle every step you take.
(Dime Bar Emoticon)

Bookeatingboy · 23/04/2016 09:09

When we are in the moment of change it's only natural to question if we are making the right decision.

Just focus on the reasons you reached that decision and more importantly where you want to be... since you've already decided you can't carry on like you are.

When I had therapy after a particular traumatic time in my life the one piece of advice that stuck with me was to focus on a point in the future where you want to be and be looking back wondering why you made such a big deal out of your current situation. We all have examples in life where at the time we didn't think we'd get through it... but we did.

Day at a time Flowers

PeppaIsMyHero · 23/04/2016 09:12

Break-ups are dreadful, but can be the right thing to do.

And remember that men are a little more binary, so he might be focused on the actions taking place rather than the underlying emotions.

Find some time to breathe today, even if only for 30 seconds. Good luck.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/04/2016 09:22

I'd throw a coat on and go out in my pyjamas, but you may have higher standards!

Although it's unpleasant right now, I think these digs are helpful. They demonstrate that he has no interest in changing and reinforce your decision. You are going to be better off without that constant criticism.

Topseyt · 23/04/2016 09:27

All the great advice has already been given.

I send you FlowersBrew and Chocolate and say that it is now time to be kind to yourself.