To be absolutely devastated that my husband is leaving today even though it's my choice?

[oaadc]

Just that really. It's been a year of constant criticism, comments and negativity.

It came to a head a couple of weeks ago when he wouldn't put DS to bed so I could go and have dinner with my family from Germany who I haven't seen for 5 years.

Lots of stress - DS is 4 and has Autism. Dynamics of the relationship changed when we had him. I went from full time work to being a carer. Nothing I ever do is good enough despite the fact that I do all the 'normal' mum stuff plus all the therapy and appointments, meetings and report writing etc. He doesn't trust me with DS - every accident he has is always my fault.

We don't do anything together - he hates my family who are my support network with DS. He absolutely knows all of this - I've spent the past year telling him. He had an appointment for counselling but didn't go.

I'm so worried I'm doing the wrong thing and I'm so upset but I can't live my life being told that I 'have it easy' and sat in front of the television every evening.

Of course you are sad. Things can be the right thing to do but it doesn't mean you don't grieve what you had planned them to be or what might have been.

It'll probably take a few weeks of not having the negative bits in your life for you to really realise how much happier you are without them there. Once you get through the sadness and realise how much of a drain the critisms were you'll really realise how much affect they had on you.

Everyone is assuming that he is an abusive bastard here, but the OP hasn't said if this is a permanent or temporary breakup.

OP: what is the plan? Is it that you take some time apart and see how things go? Why did you give up your job to be your son's carer and not your husband? Is there an option of switching this around and he stays at home with your son and you go back to work?

Is your son likely to be able to go to school next year? Will you go back to work then?

If I was at home full time with a child with autism and all the extra challenges that brings, while my husband was out at work full time, I would go around the twist myself. Why does he hate your family?

You suggest that your husband doesn't agree with the break-up - what does he think? Does he want to try to rebuild things? Do you think that counselling is an option now?

I expect you are crying because you are mourning the end of this relationship. That will pass and it sounds to me as if you have made the right choice. Bad enough that he does nothing to support you, the constant carping must be so awful.
I hope that you will come out of this a stronger and happier person.

Of course you're sad. It's a massive upheaval and huge disappointment.

I can you can shut up with the "if I had a child with autism" shite. You clearly don't and you're in no place to pontificate.

OP I was the same when I split up with my ex husband.He was awful,did nothing to help with our 2 sons,was critical towards me and became abusive,was awful with money.But still I cried when I knew it was all really over.

We'd been together from when I was 16-25 so I really did grow up with him,I went from my Parents house and rules to a house and rules with him in charge.

I can promise you now for me looking back I think the tears were some fear of what mine and my sons lifes would look like,fear of the unknown the rest of my tears were tears of relief that it was finally done,it was the thought of the fact that I could start to make decisions for myself and no longer live in fear of his bad moods and the relief at knowing I'd never have to live feeling like I was walking on egg shells all the time any more was immense.

I was happy and so my boys were happy.It was the best decision I ever made it really was.I've remarried and we have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic OP I know how hard it can be I really do.Our youngest DD8 also has health problems and physical disabilities as well as being autistic.

But despite all the obstacles we've had thrown in our way life is still so much better and so much happier for our oldest 2 sons(they're relationship with my DH is very close they call him Dad and as far as my DH is concerned they are his sons)and for me.

Don't let the fear of the unkown stop you from reaching for the life you and your DS so deserve OP,a life lived in fear is no life at all.

I'm at Mum's now - she's tucked me into her bed and she's downstairs entertaining little man. Thank goodness for her.

Thank you everybody.

I'm a very emotional person.

I stayed at home to care for our son because he had a career change when I was pregnant and we wanted to focus on him developing professionally.

Hopefully DS is going to a special school in September.

He's a good dad - the relationship between he and DS is wonderful. It's just not working between us anymore. I keep wondering if I really have done enough to keep us together.

All I wanted was for him to put his arms around me, tell me he loves me and that how silly I am to think we would ever split up. But no, he couldn't even fight for me.

I think that having a child with SN places an unbearable pressure on relationships. I've been married 27 years now but we became so far apart when DS2 was first diagnosed. It took years to get over.

I think it only works if you try to recognise the pressure and act as a team as much as you can. We made ourselves remember to be kind to each other.
If he can't do that then you are doing the right thing for all three of you.

Of course it's sad. It's the end of the life you thought you were going to live .
But it will get better

Yay good old Mum it sounds like your Mum will be a good support to you and your DS and that's good news about the school as well OP.

From now on go easy on yourself and when your feeling upto it start thinking about all the lovely things you can do in the future for yourself and your DS all the plans you can make of things to look forward to.

If your DS struggles with sleeping more than a few hours a night OP speak to your GP there is medication they can prescribe and it can be a god send for the child and the parent.
We were given Phenergan before for our DD because she still sleeps like a newborn alot of the time.It has been a God send it really has.She is so much happier when she's managed 6 hours solid sleep.

Generally he sleeps quite well but he occasionally pulls an all nighter which he has done the past two nights. He probably senses something. My dog is stressed too.

Oaadc I had no kids when I left my husband. I was deeply in love with him up until the day I left. He was emotionally and financially abusive, I was a prisoner in my home because he would have the most horrific tempers and sulks if I went out with friends. He constantly accused me of cheating (I never did) and was utterly vile to me. But I was sure we could fix it and it would all be ok.

My best friend from school and I had a spa day booked as our birthdays are close so had picked a weekend in the middle. He wouldn't speak to me before I left and when I got in he was so unbelievably vile to me. He hadn't seen my friend drop me off - the road was busy so she had dropped me further away from my house than normal (her turn to drive) so obviously I had lied and been sleeping with some random bloke.

I saw red. Realised in that second he would never change. Packed a bag and walked out. Like you if he had shown remorse, told me he loved me and wanted to try again I probably would have stayed. Instead he blocked the door and threw me across our kitchen when I tried to leave. I drove 2 streets before I had to pull my car over because I couldn't see for the tears.

Ending a relationship is hard, however right the decision is. I cried for a month. I worried I had made the wrong decision. 4 weeks after I left I went out with friends for my birthday. One was someone from work I had been aquatinted with donkeys years before. We have been together ever since. He is everything my husband wasn't and has told me he loves me 100 times a day since we met.

You will get through this! Be kind to yourself. Let your parents help and look after your beautiful boy!

You're grieving the end of the relationship, the what if's and hopes of what it could/should have been. Give yourself time and you will heal and have new hopes and dreams. Your mind needs to build up a new picture of how your life will be from now on. So for the moment you are scared, hurt and unsure. This will come in waves of decreasing size until one day your vision of life will have changed and your mind will feel settled and happy again. You aren't being unnecessarily 'emotional' you are mentally wounded and need time to heal.

You're doing the best thing for your son. He can't be around that negativity. It will feel easier soon. Hang on.

I think it is normal to feel grief when a long term relationship comes to an end even if you are the one that ended it. It sounds as if you are doing the right thing though and you will very probably look back on this and feel relief that you had the courage to end it. Good luck in the future.

Well, he's gone. He's staying with a relative for a bit.

U survived before him ull survive after him ,
it's hard now but give it a few weeks n u will feel relief focus on ur child and try n keep busy to distract urself gud luck

Am glad that you and DS are with your Mum. She sounds great!
Let her look after you both a bit for now x

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Sounds like you did all you can to make things work

I hope your DS and Dog are feeling more settled for you tonight OP and I hope your okay.

Hope you and your DS are feeling OK today

Hi oaadc i just came back to see how you were doing and if all was ok and if you needed any support.