Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The ex wants money

43 replies

Aeroeggsarethebest · 21/04/2016 20:39

I didn't think I was being unreasonable but after a phone call tonight I'm not sure.

18 months ago I fled my ex and stayed in a refuge for 6 months before finding a house to rent, he wasn't physically abusive, just emotionally.

The ex marital home is close to being repossessed as he is saying he can no longer afford the mortgage, no interest payments have been made for over 6 months now. It would appear a buyer has now been found but there will be very little equity left after the sale (but better than repossession which would leave negative equity!)

We still speak as there are children involved and I take them to see him. (I stay too as I don't want to leave them there alone) At the beginning of the week he bluntly asked what I was contributing and said he's looking for a minimum of £20k from me as he's put a lot of money into paying the mortgage and bills since I left and I've not contributed anything. I pointed out I'm on income support and have nothing, he persisted and told me to ask my father. Last night he asked again and I told him again I had nothing to give him and my father has said no. Tonight he tells me about the potential buyers and asks yet again how much I am going to give him. This time when I said the answer was still no he got nasty. He was effing and blinding about how my father should pay up as he must have encouraged me to leave and my Dad had never approached him to talk about the situation. My father has actually never been involved, regardless of how many times I've told my ex this he refuses to listen to me. He has also started throwing at me everything that was ever bought during the marriage for my benefit and the cost of the wedding (10 years ago) He now says he is livid as the costs will have to be paid from the sale proceeds and he will be left with little. I have no doubt he will have another go tomorrow too.

AIBU not to give him the money?

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 21/04/2016 20:41

what on earth does he think he should be getting money from you for? I don’t understand - does he mean he wants £20k of your share of the equity?

cannotlogin · 21/04/2016 20:42

is this happening in front of your children?

AyeAmarok · 21/04/2016 20:44

If you don't have it, you don't have it.

Ignore him.

Eustace2016 · 21/04/2016 20:45

I paid my ex a huge amount but that was because I earned 10x what he did.

You really do need a final agreed consent order on your finances as if you don't and say you get more money in due course he can come after you for some. That is why either you need to agree with him and have the court seal it - an agreed order on divorce finances or else get a judge to decide what is fair.

Original poster
Aeroeggsarethebest · 21/04/2016 20:45

He thinks I should give him the money as he's paid the bills at the marital house for the last 18 months (he's been living there, I haven't) The children are around when these phone conversations have taken place.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 21/04/2016 20:47

Sounds like he's still abusing you. Sorry. If you feel the children aren't safe without you there maybe it's best to only agree that he meets them at a contact centre for now, especially if you're staying overnight and the children can hear it all. You've done so well to get away.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2016 20:50

Oh, fuck him off! LOL you should pay bills for him. 'Minimum' of £20k. And you're on income support?! PMSL. He's trying to manipulate you into walking away with nothing. Fuck that. Tell him to take it to court and then hang up on him.

Topseyt · 21/04/2016 20:50

I doubt he has any right to look for any "minimum of £20k" from you. What is it for?

You don't have £20k and you don't have access to the means to raise it anyway. And why would you want to give him that amount even if you did.

Tell him to whistle for it. Stop taking the kids over there. They should not be witnessing this anyway.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2016 20:51

And yy, he needs to go to a contact centre.

BMW6 · 21/04/2016 20:51

So who has been feeding and clothing your Dc? Him??

Surely as he has been living in the house alone, the costs are his alone? he hasn't been paying the mortgage interest, so is he expecting you to pay for half his food, utilities etc???

figureofspeech · 21/04/2016 20:53

Get advice from a solicitor, maybe they can send him a stern letter warning him off. Also maybe a restraining order if he becomes more abusive. he's trying to scare you to handing over the money and you need to legally fight back.

Technoremix · 21/04/2016 20:54

Wtf?! At a MINIMUM you should come out with 50% of the equity from the house sale BUT if you have the children and it goes to court you would be more likely to get 70%. HE WILL OWE YOU MONEY, not the other way around!

figureofspeech · 21/04/2016 20:55

www.womensaid.org.uk

MizK · 21/04/2016 20:55

I agree that he is taking the absolute piss. He's trying to frighten you because it is yet another way to hurt and abuse you.

Well done for getting away from him. But I fear for you and the children being alone with him. He sounds the type of man to enjoy using the children as a way to upset you.

Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 20:55

You need the proceeds. You're the main carer with no help whatsoever.

Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 20:55

You might even get all the house proceeds

Original poster
Aeroeggsarethebest · 21/04/2016 20:57

He paid the mortgage interest for 12 months and I suspect the demand of money is also that the house is not selling for as much as he wanted.

I'm finding it difficult adjusting to what is actually right or wrong having been with him for 20 years and isolated from friends as well as not having been allowed to work.

Since I left I've been reliant on benefits and at times the food bank, he's paid no maintenance.

OP posts:
Herewegoagainfolks · 21/04/2016 20:57

Your Dad is not responsible for bills on a house he doesn't own whether he encouraged you to leave or not - it's just ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

Arrange a contact centre and get legal advice - he's still trying to abuse you.

Well done for coming this far.

MizK · 21/04/2016 20:58

Oh and PS if you're on income support I would suggest to him that he stats giving you maintenance sharpish....a friend of mine didn't take money from her ex as he was a bullying arsehole...however the government took exception to footing the bill for him in the form of income support and he was absolutely clobbered for unpaid maintenance....that was without her instigating it, so unless things have changed he will soon have bigger worries than just the house.

magoria · 21/04/2016 21:00

You are so NBU.

You have had to pay all the bills etc on your new property instead of the house.

Also he has had full use of the house alone so should have paid you 'rent' for your half so that is your share of the mortgage Wink

Go for more than 50% as you have the children more than 50% so he can shut up and put up.

Stop taking the children to him. If he wants to see them, he comes pick them up. if he doesn't come he doesn't see them and don't make excuses for him.

Fourormore · 21/04/2016 21:00

I would reduce all contact to a minimum. No staying over. No talking about finances. Nothing. You don't have any money.
You really need to stop the phone calls in front of the children, that's not appropriate at all.
You have got a voice that tells you what's right and wrong - I can see it in your posts, trust it.

magoria · 21/04/2016 21:02

And get maintenance paid. He owes that for his children so they don't have to rely on food banks to eat!

fuzzywuzzy · 21/04/2016 21:04

Why do you feel your children benefit from contact with this man?

He is spending contact being abusive to you.

Stop contact unless it's thro a contact centre, don't meet him face to face.

He is not being reasonable demanding your father pay him a huge amount of money.

Were you married to this man, if so do as a pp has said and get a final order thro court with regards finances, you do not need this creature returning years down the line and demanding a large financial settlement from you.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/04/2016 21:05

Yes also start cold maintenance claim against him.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/04/2016 21:05

Child maintenance