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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The ex wants money

43 replies

Aeroeggsarethebest · 21/04/2016 20:39

I didn't think I was being unreasonable but after a phone call tonight I'm not sure.

18 months ago I fled my ex and stayed in a refuge for 6 months before finding a house to rent, he wasn't physically abusive, just emotionally.

The ex marital home is close to being repossessed as he is saying he can no longer afford the mortgage, no interest payments have been made for over 6 months now. It would appear a buyer has now been found but there will be very little equity left after the sale (but better than repossession which would leave negative equity!)

We still speak as there are children involved and I take them to see him. (I stay too as I don't want to leave them there alone) At the beginning of the week he bluntly asked what I was contributing and said he's looking for a minimum of £20k from me as he's put a lot of money into paying the mortgage and bills since I left and I've not contributed anything. I pointed out I'm on income support and have nothing, he persisted and told me to ask my father. Last night he asked again and I told him again I had nothing to give him and my father has said no. Tonight he tells me about the potential buyers and asks yet again how much I am going to give him. This time when I said the answer was still no he got nasty. He was effing and blinding about how my father should pay up as he must have encouraged me to leave and my Dad had never approached him to talk about the situation. My father has actually never been involved, regardless of how many times I've told my ex this he refuses to listen to me. He has also started throwing at me everything that was ever bought during the marriage for my benefit and the cost of the wedding (10 years ago) He now says he is livid as the costs will have to be paid from the sale proceeds and he will be left with little. I have no doubt he will have another go tomorrow too.

AIBU not to give him the money?

OP posts:

Queenie73 · 21/04/2016 21:10

Just say " I won't discuss this with you, send a letter to my solicitor". Keep saying it and make sure you have a solicitor. Write down everything he does and take him to the cleaners.
Solicitors aren't just there to invent problems for which they charge huge fees- check out your legal aid rights and then let someone who is trained to do so take the strain.

FlyingScotsman · 21/04/2016 21:17

Nope you don't need to pay anything.
The assets will be split in two so whatever there is left will be for him and you, with a bit more for him because he pay the interests on the mortgage for a year.

A shame it doesn't sold for as much as he wants. But why is it that in the last 6 months he hasn't paid the mortgage??

FlyingScotsman · 21/04/2016 21:18

And YY about maintenance.

Do you have a sollicitor to represent you?

EssexMummy1234 · 21/04/2016 21:19

Please stop exposing yourself and your children to him - it's surely harming them emotionally.

Do you need some practical help with replying to his letters and dealing with the legal side of the sale / splitting of assets? because your local children's centre can put you in touch with a community worker that can help with that kind of thing.

BMW6 · 21/04/2016 21:26

Do the best for your DC. See a Solicitor urgently and let them deal with the shit. DO NOT engage on the subject at all. Call Womens Aid for support and Police if he becomes abusive.

Really OP - he is entitled to F all from you.

EweAreHere · 21/04/2016 21:34

Do not engage in the discussion. Tell him all financial matters will have to be resolved through your solicitors and/or in court.

He may well end up owing you money, and he knows it.

Lynnm63 · 21/04/2016 21:35

Get a solicitor, apply for maintenance, go for as much equity as you can get, give him nothing, contact centre for visits. He's a cheeky sod asking for £20k. If he hasn't paid the mortgage that's his lookout.
Stay strong he's pissed you've got away from him.

Catfartstink · 21/04/2016 21:42

He paid the interest as he was getting the benefit of the house.
Twat

Honestly get legal advice to fend him off, you owe him nothing. He owes you

Foffyouwanker · 21/04/2016 22:21

This is why you were in a refuge, because he is an abusive arsehole. Take your children and leave. Never return. Do not give him a penny.

Foffyouwanker · 21/04/2016 22:23

And block his phone number. Or record his abusive phone calls as evidence

leelu66 · 21/04/2016 23:28

He is wrong. You do not have to support him, pay his bills or anything. He should pay you child maintenance.

Why doesn't he pick up the kids himself? Are you able to stio going to his house and being forced to spend tome there?

leelu66 · 21/04/2016 23:29

stop and time (sorry)

KindDogsTail · 21/04/2016 23:40

Please, please do not give him anything and get good legal advice. It seems as though he could bully you.

It does sound as though you should not have so much contact.

He certainly does sound abusive.

I have not read the full thread and hope someone with legal knowledge has posted advice. Citizens Advice Centre?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/04/2016 00:27

Cm rules have changed. They no longer chase the NRP without an application from the PWC and it is now no longer tied into benefits. These days they let you keep it in addition to any benefits

VimFuego101 · 22/04/2016 00:32

Presumably he chose to stay on in the house and you didn't prevent him from selling it - he could have put it on the market sooner. See a solicitor and do a child maintenance claim.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 22/04/2016 00:40

Well he's as a wrong as a wrong thing. He thinks you should stump up the equivalent of 1k a month for the privilege of not living in your home in peace? For the privilege of keeping you and the DC going in a refuge on benefits without help from him?
If you don't trust him to look after the DC during contact can you articulate why? Is it enough to use a contact centre?

sleeponeday · 22/04/2016 23:28

Thank goodness you left him, OP. He's hideous - paying no money for his kids, expecting half the equity from the house, and now demanding that you function as his personal winning scratchcard, too?

What a complete fucking prick. for you.

I can see why you aren't seeking maintenance, as he sounds the type to start demanding every other weekend alone with the kids if he was "paying for them". But are you actively trying to keep him in their lives - I mean, do you think he would bother, if you didn't make arrangements and ferry them to and fro, and if he didn't get to spend time bullying you out of the time with them? Has he ever shown much interest in them, in the past?

RandomMess · 22/04/2016 23:36

You absolutely should not give him anything! He has had the benefit of living in the house - it was his choice not to sell it more quicker.

The debt of the mortgage is joint as is the equity in the house - the fact they net each other off is disappointing for both of you. The marriage was a legal contract meaning regardless of who earned what the debts and assets are equally shared. Also seems time to claim for maintenance via CMS as he should be supporting his DC financially and that is not linked to contact!

If he is going to carry on being abusive and bullying I strongly suggest that you stop contact immediately and insist on a contact centre being used. I would actually block him on your phone etc. At most let him email you and only respond to child contact issues and ignore everything else.

Huge hugs, he has done a number on you

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