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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More weird behaviour from P

64 replies

LisaRinnasLips · 21/04/2016 18:35

I get in the bath with baby dd, told p to come get her in a bit and go get ds to jump in with us before bed.

He goes down, comes up and says ds won't come up and goes down again.

10 mins go past and baby needs to get out so I call him, and call and call and bang on the floor...nothing.

Really annoyed now I get out and go down to empty room. They've gone? Call no reply. I got upstairs and get her dressed while I'm dripping and cold. He eventually replies 'went shop'.

Is this weird? To not call up to me to say he's going out? He just seems so detached. Feel like I'm in another reality sometimes.

OP posts:
OptimisticSix · 21/04/2016 20:51

I'm with DoreenLethal, I've been a single mum (of three) before I met DH and can honestly say it was hard, but easier than being with my ex, also a self absorbed twat.

Charley50 · 21/04/2016 20:52

The eggs and bacon thing I find incredibly selfish, the bus and bath thing odd, and yes pretty selfish too.

Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 21/04/2016 21:20

If i went and spoke to him about it he would either:

Get defensive and spin it around/ make it my fault somehow

Or

Be sorry, apologise and for the next week or so be less selfish.

Could he be on the spectrum? He seems to think he is due to other things he does. Maybe a trip to GP and a chat might help.

I do find it much easier when he's away.

OP posts:
Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 21/04/2016 21:21

I do think life Is too short to spend with someone like him so we probably won't last very long.

OP posts:
Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 21/04/2016 21:22

No drugs involved. He went to the coop with ds for 15 mins

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 21/04/2016 21:23

I think if you find you cope better without him around is a big sign that actually you are better off apart. Especially if you are not happy

Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 21/04/2016 21:25

It's just not big enough to leave though is it. We have a house, mortgage, 2 under 3yrs. I don't know

OP posts:
Jojoriley · 21/04/2016 21:26

Oh don't say that ! It's a problem but it's not insurmountable and you have tiny babies together. Get some help - show him how it makes you feel- but don't give up on the whole marriage/family for something that is fixable (if both parties are willing) Good luck x

Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 21/04/2016 21:26

I'm on maternity and no work to return to. I would rather wait until both kids in school and I'm working and independent. It would be easier

OP posts:
Agadooo · 21/04/2016 21:31

He's bloody odd-getting the bus home without saying, not saying he's popping to the shop-that's just weird! Who does that??? And not asking if u want anything whilst he's cooking anyway???? Very bizarre. Yes maybe in the spectrum n thinks different? Or maybe wants to make a point that he's in charge n will do what he likes??

Ughnotagain · 21/04/2016 21:33

OP, that's 4/5 years away. You can't live your life like this for the next 4 years!

NeedACleverNN · 21/04/2016 21:34

You could work out your problems if you want to.
If he is willing to also
But don't feel you have to stay unhappy in a marriage because it's easier. That will drain your mental health

Alasalas2 · 21/04/2016 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 21/04/2016 21:43

I don't think he's a narc at all

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 21/04/2016 21:50

It's just a basic thing in a relationship though isn't it.

"I'm popping to the shop, do you need anything?"
"Just cooking some breakfast, fancy any?"

That is normal, that is the basic communication in a relationship. This is odd. Very odd.

How is the communication about bigger things op? Can you talk about the important stuff? How is he apart from this issue?

Ninefreerangeeggs · 21/04/2016 22:15

Is he a good father to DC in spite of being a wanker at times do you have enough other qualities in your relationship that make it worthwhile to stay?

Alasalas2 · 21/04/2016 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jojoriley · 21/04/2016 22:28

There is another possible explanation- you won't like it... Is his behaviour reactive to you? Are you bossy/unloving/unconcerned with how he feels? Is he angry at you ? Some would say there are no circumstances in which his behaviour is explicable, but honestly having very young kids is terribly stressful for everyone- maybe he is resentful and this is his way of demonstrating he isn't getting what he needs. Not condoning but suggesting an explanation.

FaithAscending · 21/04/2016 22:43

Could he be on the spectrum? Hmm, possibly. What else is he like that's unusual? Does he have any specialist interests? What's he like re physical contact? How is he at expressing his feelings? How does he manage his life?

Fwiw, I'm autistic. Sometimes I know I seem selfish when I'm just literal or so busy trying to get things right I just miss the point. Example: If someone asks 'How are you?' I tell them. Probably too honestly, in too much detail. Then I forget to ask how they are...seems rude, I know. I try hard to just say 'Fine, how are you?' But I don't always. I'm not a totally selfish cow though!

Your P though sounds completely thoughtless. Like he doesn't really factor you and your feelings in to things. You say he's not a narc but then you say that trying to address and issue with him results in him twisting it back round to blame you? Sounds pretty manipulative to me.

You do not have to put up with this for another 5 years. There are other options. Not easy ones, but probably better in the long run.

Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 22/04/2016 07:07

How is the communication about bigger things op? Can you talk about the important stuff? How is he apart from this issue?

I think we talk better about big things than little things maybe. He's quite insular - likes being alone, gaming, but forces himself out of his cave to help out after work.
He's quite serious, can be grumpy, says he has negative thoughts but claims he's happier than ever since we moved here. He is a workaholic.

Is his behaviour reactive to you? Are you bossy/unloving/unconcerned with how he feels? Is he angry at you?

Yes to all that probably. However if I didn't tell him to do stuff it literally wouldn't get done. Even basics like empty bin, take ds to preschool etc stuff he does everyday I need to tell him.
Yes to it being v stressful with young kids. It's all about them at the moment. I have a 3 month old. We sleep in seperate rooms so he gets to sleep, I don't. Not sure he's resentful of me though. Hence why I'm wondering whether to stick it out as it might get better in future although I doubt I can forget his lack of support during these hard years.

Is he a good father? um that's tricky. He loves them very much but isn't very hands on. Doesn't jump in and help/play etc takes ds out on weekends though. Can lose his temper with ds over little things even though he's a very well behaved boy.

Faith Certain things like he's very rigid with routine. If he's started something he cannot stop mid way of something comes up. Lack of empathy - when I'm sad he can react weirdly - almost angry or dismissive? He's utterly obsessed with gaming and does it for hours every day. Physically not affectionate anymore - unless he is in the mood then he's all over me and never kisses/cuddles after, just usually walks out to go to his room after. Sex has always been one-sided.

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyRabbit · 22/04/2016 07:15

Good god he sounds awful.

Original poster
LisaRinnasLips · 22/04/2016 07:20

Actually he is resentful. Very. Because I'm not working and haven't since ds was born. I know he finds it stressful being the sole earner. He sometimes has little digs about it. He's called me work shy in an argument even though I've worked since I was 15.
I do think he'll be happier once I work and contribute financially. I think this is a big issue.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/04/2016 07:27

I'm not a doctor and of course nobody on here can diagnose ASD, but while I could see that ASD might lead to behaviour such as going out without thinking to inform you even when you're in a situation when you want his help such as in bath with baby, and possibly a bus thing although I didn't see the thread, and yes making food without remembering to ask you if you want some, it wouldn't cause manipulative/blaming behaviour, and it wouldn't cause resentment/feelings that you are workshy. So either he's ASD and oblivious and also a bit of an arse, or, he's just an inconsiderate arse. Clearly ASD doesn't take over a person's entire personality and it's possible to be ASD + nice person or ASD + arsehole, but it does seem like it's a red herring, really. My gut feeling.

FearOfFlying · 22/04/2016 07:54

It is possible to be very mildly asd, ie. only just on the spectrum, or borderline (my ds2 is this).

Of course it also possible that he's pissed off, and has resentment building up, either justified or unjustified, and these behaviours are due to that.

Life can be tough when you have 2 children, and he may (again, rightly or wrongly) be feeling the pressure of being sole earner.

Also men people aren't always good at talking about problems/resentments. He probably didn't like being told to bring your ds up to the bath - and so went off to the shop. It's defiance.

ohtheholidays · 22/04/2016 08:13

OP you do know that those behaviours could be down to the hours spent gaming everyday don't you?

Gaming has become a form of addiction for alot of people now and the behaviours your talking about can go hand in hand with addiction,being very selfish,angry,cut off it stems from the fact that any other thoughts or actions take time away from the addiction.
If as the hours spent gaming have gone up his behaviour has become worse then that could be your answer.

With asd,it's such a broad spectrum,we have 2DC that are autistic(5DC all together)and I worked with children with asd for quite a while.Do you know anything about what your Partner was like as a child?Because any asd traits would have been showing since he was quite young.