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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it would be nice for DP to make an effort with my family?

39 replies

Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 16:25

Dp and I got engaged a few months ago, we've been together about 2 years.

Dp has only met my parents/rest of my family (apart from my DSis) once as they live a few hundred miles away so understandably we don't see them as often.

He is only really close to his DM and DSis, who live nearby and we see them quite often, at least every fortnight or so.

I visit my family every month-6weeks depending on what my work schedule is as I am very close to my family and have very close relationships with them. I go on my own to visit as Dp just doesn't seem to be interested in seeing them or building any sort of relationship with them. He has said that if they lived closer then it would be different but it's starting to really upset me that he makes no effort with them. We are (supposedly) going to be married so the way I see it my family will become his family in a manner of speaking. My family don't really know him so were a bit underwhelmed at the news of our engagement and to them it must seem like I'm marrying a stranger.

I know it is slightly problematic because Dp only has every other weekend off work and those are the weekends he has his son but I would be more than happy for him to come along to visit and I know my family wouldn't mind.

Aibu to feel upset that he isn't making an effort and to think he should, especially when I make the effort to see his family and build a relationship with them?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/04/2016 17:43

Of course he should!

And if they're going to become step-grandparents then I would have thought it was pretty important for them to meet his son.

Can they come down to you to get the ball rolling so to speak?

However, if he continues to refuse I would be questioning his attitude.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2016 17:53

How long a drive is it, how old is his son and what does he do with him?

Onlyicanclean10 · 21/04/2016 17:57

Of course he should. What's important to you should be important to him.

Especially with a child in the mix.

I would insist he goes with you and take your soon to be step son of possible

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 17:58

It is difficult for them to come to us as it is a 4+hr drive and they would need to stay somewhere overnight - they have space for us to stay overnight with them but we don't have room for them unfortunately.

I understand that it would be a lot to ask for him to drive 4+hrs there and back just for the weekend but I wouldn't expect him to come every time, just occasionally! Last time he saw them with me was over a year ago Sad

I think my family might be coming to stay near us in the summer but tbh I just want him to make the effort.

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Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 18:01

Sorry, DSS is 7, usually he just hangs out with us at home on the weekends he's here or we visit granny/auntie/cousins (Dp's family), sometimes we'll go out somewhere together if we have the time.

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Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 19:46

MIL thinks I'm being over sensitive and that he's just lazy - am I?

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Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 20:57

Well cheers for caring guys Sad

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Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2016 21:03

I think monthly would be too often, given how little he sees his DS.

You can't expect a child to sit in a car for 4+ hours on the only day he sees his dad, in a fortnight.

Will he have a calm discussion about this?

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2016 21:04

Just to add if his family aren't close and you're not giving up a family day with your children to see them, you can't compare the two.

landrover · 21/04/2016 21:18

I wouldn't want to travel a 4 hour journey there and back with a child that I only see every other weekend. Would a train journey be quicker? Or what about you paying for your parents to stay in a b and b and they travel to you?

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 21:19

His family are close but only the ones that live nearby. He hasn't seen his DF in years and all the rest are random cousins he doesn't know. His DM was adopted and now they are nc so he doesn't know his family on her side.

I'm not expecting every month, I realise that would be way too much. I'd be happy with once every 6 months!

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BillSykesDog · 21/04/2016 21:28

I think perhaps as a one off he and DS should go. But actually I think he is completely in the right to prioritise time with his son over spending time with your parents. And he has so little time with him it's really not fair for him to expect DS to spend that much of their time together sitting in a car then spending time with much older people he doesn't know.

I would say in your circumstances maybe asking him to come up 2-3 times a year is more reasonable. And I do think that your family should make a bit of effort too, get an Airbnb a couple of times a year or so.

But really, I'm afraid he does have his priorities in the right order here.

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 21:42

My DM works in a school so she only has sat & sun off so they really can't come to us for the weekend, whereas when DP has the weekend off he also has Monday's off, making it a 3 day weekend and if we tagged it onto the beginning of a half term/holiday it would definitely be more doable for us. Train journey would be longer and about 3x the cost.

My family are coming in the summer but they won't be staying with us and Dp's work will be very busy so there's a good chance they won't see him then either.

Obviously spending time with his Ds is very important but I'd only be asking for 2 weekends out of 26 that he sees him, it's not too much to ask is it?

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Osolea · 21/04/2016 21:44

If he's only off work every other weekend and that's when he has his son, it's understandable that the idea of travelling for four hours to visit your family isn't exactly appealing.

His priority on those weekends is spending time with his son, and while you might be happy for your dss to come with you, the dss isn't going to have any interest whatesover in a weekend trip like that, which is fair enough. He shouldn't be expected to spend his very limited time with his Dad with his dad trying to impress someone else's family.

I think it would be easier for your family to find somewhere to stay for a night than it would be to drag a reluctant child all that way to stay in a strangers house.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2016 21:50

Do you discuss this and how he feels about his own family situation?

There may be more going on, than him not wanting to spend his time in this way.

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 21:55

He would get to spend time with his stb step siblings, me and his dad on those occasions so not a house full of strangers! If they never meet him they'll never get the chance to build a relationship with him and become not-strangers.

The idea of travelling 4hrs in a car is not foreign to DSS, DP has been taking him to events several hours away for years so he is used to long car journeys. The last time I suggested it DSS seemed quite keen but DP's car needed servicing so they were unable to come at the last minute.

Surely if we are getting married then they will all be part of his, albeit extended, family? DSS socialises with his DM's bf's family often enough!

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Osolea · 21/04/2016 22:06

Tbh, Ive never really felt that my children (from a previous relationship) should have to take on my husbands family as their own. They have their families, they don't need more.

I think you have to recognise that it is quite a big ask from your dss, and fir your DP when his priority has to be his son, not your adult family who could make the trip. Even if it is a bit of hassle for them, if you would tag your visit onto a half term or holiday, then it's not much different.

Ultimately if he doesn't want to do this on his very limited time with his son, then it's unfair of you to pressure him. I don't have this situation, but I know that if my ex's new partner was putting pressure on my ex and my children to do a long car journey to spend time with her family when my dc had no interest in doing that, and their own dad didn't really want to either, then I'd think she was a bit of a fruit loop.

Homerjsimpson · 21/04/2016 22:40

If he only has every other weekend off then does that mean he has other time off during the week? If yes then why not just go and visit on these occasions so he still gets to see his son on his weekends off?

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 22:40

Sorry, you must have missed the bit in my PP where I said that the last time I suggested it DSS seemed quite keen. And that he and DP are used to doing long journeys together.

Possibly also the bit where I said the DSS's mother makes him spend time with her boyfriend's family on a regular basis. So obviously she is happy for him to spend time with new partner's families and get to know them.

Also the bit where I said that they can't travel to us for the weekend due to distance, work etc. DM works in a private school and has to work in the holidays (with the exception of her alloted annual leave) so they couldn't tag the extra day onto a holiday like we could.

You think its unfair of me to pressure him into wanting to see my family, but isn't it also unfair of DP to refuse to make any effort to make time for people that are extremely important to me? So do I have to just accept that the next time they meet might be at our wedding in several years time? My parents should just be happy that they know next to nothing about the person I am going to be (hopefully) spending my life with? Apparently so, I am obviously a 'fruit loop' and the very epitome of the evil stepmother for wanting my Dp and DSS to get to know my beloved family. My bad.

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Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 22:43

No he doesn't Homer, he works 6 days one week and is on call, the following week works 4 days and has the weekend off. I work and study so I have the same weekends off he does and work the other weekend. I study the rest of the time so we couldn't go the alternate week.

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landrover · 21/04/2016 22:44

Blimey Op, to be honest I wouldn't do a 4 hour car journey ever if I could help it!! I see my only relative (sister) about 4 times a year and she is only 30 mins away! I can't think when I last travelled 4 hours unless it was a flight! I certainly wouldn't want my 12 year old to have to do that journey unless we were on holiday for a week!

PickleBot · 21/04/2016 22:46

Presumably he does have a holiday allowance? He could book a weekend off to visit them? It's not unreasonable to expect him to see your family, but that can't be at the expense of spending time with hus son.

landrover · 21/04/2016 22:50

Picklebot, perfect idea!!!!

Akire · 21/04/2016 22:50

Well I would expect more than once a year to be honest. If you make effort to visit his every two weeks. I would say 3 times a year at least. Does he have his son for holidays or only ever weekends? Think you need to talk to him or if you have children together it will be you and the kids off to visit your family and oh no he stays at home all the time with his son. That's just not going to help join families together.

Can you met half way for the day? 2h isn't to long and must be somewhere half way for a day out.

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 21/04/2016 23:02

He does see DSS on other occasions other than just the EOW, its just that those are the only days he comes round to ours. Dp is with DSS for every special occasion, holidays, random trips that don't coincide with the EOW etc.

4hrs really isn't that big a deal to either of them, especially if done in the evening/early hrs of the morning as DSS will mostly sleep. As I said they are used to it. And I'm talking once or twice a year. DSS' mother has also taken him on trips that are at least that length to visit her DP's family.

DSS would still get to spend time with DP if he did come, arguably he would spend more time with him as DSS' mother insists that he is back my early afternoon on the days we have him and if DSS came away for the weekend he would get all day and overnights too.

Apologies if I am grumpy. I'm not feeling well and am in pain. Been feeling very alone and missing my family today and feeling a bit like the two groups of people that I love the most in the world - my family and DP - coexist completely separately and it makes me terribly sad. When DP and I got engaged I had a view that we would take on each other's families, that's what marriage is to me (its not quite the same as your 'original' families but still important to make the effort I think). I think back to Christmas when we were all together, including my DSIs and her DP and it was lovely, the only one missing was my DP (he had to work).

I understand that Dp's priority is his DS I guess I just for once, want to feel like my needs matter too. Right now I sometimes feel like everything is more important than me and what I want/need.

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