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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stand my ground with mil about the venue for ds christening party.

71 replies

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 11:44

basically that. don't want to drip feed so going to explain everything. the church where we're having the christening is walking distance from mil. we chose that church not because of that but it was where DP was christened. it's also within 20 mins max for people on DP side of the family. my family is 30 mins plus from the church. because of this I want the party in the middle of everyone so people who couldn't make the ceremony can come to the party afterwards and when people want to leave it's not far for everyone.

I found the area roughly in the middle and I told mil. she screwed her nose up and went no you don't want it there have it at the pub by the church. I explained that I want it in the middle so people who couldn't come to the ceremony can come to the party and that some of my family members live and hour away.

so aibu to put my foot down and want it in the middle or am I making it harder for people. I'm thinking she wants it by hers so it's closer for her to get back home, so she can have a drink and not have to drive?

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 21/04/2016 15:28

we are very used to driving to the party after Christenings/ Baptisms/ weddings/ Funerals etc
It's part of the land down under

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) OP

whois · 21/04/2016 16:21

I think you are making it harder. I would just do it by the church.

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 16:28

I've been thinking all afternoon about it and I feel that I'm seeing her mentioning the pub close to hers as taking over and wanting it close to hers so she doesn't have to travel. I'm not seeing it as it being an inconvenience for others.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 16:31

and I feel like I'm jumping to conclusion cause she's took over before and I feel like she will again if she has some input.

OP posts:

Runningbutnotscared · 21/04/2016 16:47

Shouldn't you christen your baby in the same church you are planning to bring your baby up in?

Or is it an old fashioned tradition that if you christen your baby you plan to bring them up going to church?

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 21/04/2016 17:20

my DP thinks if I let her have it her desired location she'll want to dictate what food what decorations what cake/who makes the cake even though I bake cakes for a side job.

At some point you're going to have to stop her having everything her own way, and weather the tears and emotional blackmail.

I also think you need to respect your partner's views and wishes in this more than anything.

serious thought, if you do change the venue this time for good reason maybe, at some point you -will- have to put your foot down unless you do everythign her way, every time. You'll need to plan how to handle that.

Cabrinha · 21/04/2016 17:42

Why are there people coming to the after party who are not going to the christening?
If they want to celebrate with you, they should attend the important part of the day, surely?

I think a nearby place (if it's nice) is the most practical solution.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

But stand your ground on all the arrangements.

BoatyMcBoat · 21/04/2016 17:47

It sounds like your first thought was right. Your dh seems to know her pretty well (funny that!) and he says she'll take over. So I think you should do it in your mid-way venue. It'll be cheaper, it'll be fairer vis a vis travelling for everyone, and it's what you wanted in the first place.

Get used to drowning her out and sticking to what you want; that way you'll appreciate the loveliness of her, when she is, all the more.

Therealyellowwiggle · 21/04/2016 19:22

Have I missed why some people aren't going to the church?

LagunaBubbles · 21/04/2016 19:42

Have I missed why some people aren't going to the church?

Nope therealyellow, a few people have mentioned it and I've asked twice about numbers but OP hasnt answered.

Janecc · 21/04/2016 19:48

I shouldn't worry if some people can't be bothered to come. I know it is hurtful and I'm sure your little one is adorable. Those that matters and care will make it. It is perfectly normal to drive miles from the church to the venue. No one will grumble apart from those, more concerned about themselves. If you needed to do it close to X place for a certain ill or incapacitated relative, that is a different matter and not one, which you have mentioned here. Ignore ignore ignore.

RosieSW · 21/04/2016 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 22:46

sorry it's hard to reply to everyone.

numbers are about 35 max and the reason why people might not be going to the christening is for religious beliefs and other plans.

OP posts:

Therealyellowwiggle · 22/04/2016 08:07

I would not arrange the reception following the christening for the convenience of people who can't be bothered to come to the main event!
Not sure what religious belief would prevent you from sitting in a church for half an hour. I would happily attend a service in a synagogue or mosque or one with a humanist celebrant - it doesn't convert you!
Sorry to labour on this OP but the set up does seem unusual, and not really in the spirit of your child being welcomed into the church family, which is what it's about.

Cabrinha · 22/04/2016 08:11

Religion beliefs and other plans?!
I'm not sure which is more offensive!
It's a CHRISTENING.
If you want some kind of "look at my new baby" party, go right ahead and book it.
But if you want to celebrate a Christian rite, then expect people to do that with you or don't invite them

Cabrinha · 22/04/2016 08:15

They don't have to be Christians to come to the christening, but they do have to care that it's an important rite for you.
I speak as an atheist who was once a Christian. I have attended christenings as an atheist. The only time my beliefs have prevented me doing something was when I was asked to be a godparent - and explained that they were vows I couldn't make. Still happily attended a rite and celebration that was important to the parent though.
As for "other plans" if the important part of the day wasn't important to my friends / family then I'd just see then another time.

bloodyteenagers · 22/04/2016 08:25

I don't see what the issue is with travelling. I have been to several Christening, weddings and funerals. The after bits have been away from the main service because of various reasons.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/04/2016 08:25

I won't bother sharing my views on Christenings.

If people are driving to the Church, which it sounds like they are, then it won't be a problem to drive to the party venue afterwards. Either way it sounds like a fair number of the attendants are likely to need to drive home anyway.

Pick a venue you like. I think your DP has given you a subtle heads up about his mum and you might be foolish to ignore it.

Hygge · 22/04/2016 12:19

"he is standing his ground for both of us but when he's out at work and I'm dealing with things I'm in charge and he can't stop her."

Yes he can. He can tell her that the two of you have made your decision about the venue and your reasons for choosing it and that's the last either of you want to hear about it from her.

Then it doesn't matter if he's with you or not, because she shouldn't be pressuring you to change your mind.

And he can keep doing that about any other decisions she might see fit to make for you in the future.

Bagatelle1 · 22/04/2016 12:24

So confused.
Why would anyone come to an after Christening party if they hadn't attended the service? And why would you make those who had bothered to attend the service drive somewhere else to accommodate those who hadn't?
I'm with your MIL on this one

BackforGood · 22/04/2016 12:57

I think the language you are using is quite telling.
"to stand my ground with MiL"
"To put my foot down" etc.

From the pov of whose decision it is, then it's up to you and your dp. Totally.

However from a logistics pov, it makes FAR more sense to have a venue close to the Church (as long as - as seems to be the case here - the venue is fine for what you want / does nice food etc). Your family are already travelling (driving) anyway - 10 or 15 mins more makes no odds, they still won't be able to drink. If a number of people don't have to drive, then that's nice for them. It cuts out having to get people between the Church and the party - always difficult for people who are on the bus / in a taxi - plus you always lose people along the way when moving from place to place.

The way I've read what you've written is you don't like it because your MiL suggested it, but it actually sounds far more logical to me.

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