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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stand my ground with mil about the venue for ds christening party.

71 replies

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 11:44

basically that. don't want to drip feed so going to explain everything. the church where we're having the christening is walking distance from mil. we chose that church not because of that but it was where DP was christened. it's also within 20 mins max for people on DP side of the family. my family is 30 mins plus from the church. because of this I want the party in the middle of everyone so people who couldn't make the ceremony can come to the party afterwards and when people want to leave it's not far for everyone.

I found the area roughly in the middle and I told mil. she screwed her nose up and went no you don't want it there have it at the pub by the church. I explained that I want it in the middle so people who couldn't come to the ceremony can come to the party and that some of my family members live and hour away.

so aibu to put my foot down and want it in the middle or am I making it harder for people. I'm thinking she wants it by hers so it's closer for her to get back home, so she can have a drink and not have to drive?

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 21/04/2016 12:33

It's not up to the mil.

Personally I'd have the party somewhere near the church so as long as the pub was a nice little place I'd use it.

PestilentialCat · 21/04/2016 12:39

she doesn't like it when people don't do what she wants. she cries and makes people feel bad so she's use to having her own way.

^^ this would make me dig my heels in & have it anywhere but where she wants, even if her choice is nicer

yellowbirdie · 21/04/2016 12:41

I think your option is more inconvenient for more people. The pub by the church sounds like a good suggestion.

Pick your battles and don't immediately think the worse of your MIL or that she is trying to undermine you.

Most of all, hope you have wonderful Christening for your DS!

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 12:47

I'm going to see the reverand today and I was going to go on my own so I'm thinking if I invite her at least she's involved. my mum and nans are doing the food for what my side of the family likes. I've asked mil to tell me what her side likes so she's getting involved with that too.

OP posts:

Hygge · 21/04/2016 12:51

Why do you have to stand your ground against her?

Why is your DP not standing his ground against her?

It sounds like he doesn't want her to take over. I assume you've discussed the church and party venue with him, and you are both agreed in wanting those particular places.

And you say he has told you to stand your ground because if she picks the party venue she will want to control other things.

"my DP thinks if I let her have it her desired location she'll want to dictate what food what decorations what cake/who makes the cake even though I bake cakes for a side job."

Why does he think that it's all down to you? Surely it should be 'my DP thinks if we let her have it at her desired location..."

He should be the one standing ground for both of you. She's his mother, and she's going against what he wants as well as against what you want. Why can't he tell her you'll have the party where you like?

And this - "she doesn't like it when people don't do what she wants. she cries and makes people feel bad so she's use to having her own way." - is the exact reason why you and your DP need to stand together.

curren · 21/04/2016 12:53

I am failing to see what she has done.

She has an opinion, which into is fairly sensible.

And it's been turned into a power struggle.

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 13:05

he is standing his ground for both of us but when he's out at work and I'm dealing with things I'm in charge and he can't stop her.

and I agree curren she is entitled to an opinion and there is more of a back story to why we need to be sturn with her. it's her first grandson so of course she'll want to me involved but there has been times when I've asked her to look after him and told her what she needs to do with him (the way I parent him so he stays in some form of routine) and she goes against it. we've even heard her call ds her baby and her son in front of my DP colleagues and my friends.

OP posts:

CodyKing · 21/04/2016 13:08

I have never been to a christening wedding or funeral all in the same location - driving in between makes no odds -

Your day for DS so just chose and send invites -

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 13:09

the worst thing she has done is change his milk just because her son had it when he was a baby even though I told her I want to keep him on the one brand I was using. so if she can change that behind my back imagine what she can change with this.

OP posts:

Therealyellowwiggle · 21/04/2016 13:13

Not sure why you're having a christening at all to be honest, just have the party - christening is for people who belong to a church surely? If that IS important to you, why would anyone be so rude as to miss the ceremony and go to the party?
You have a long struggle ahead of you if this is your pfb and everything is good to be a fight.

DrCoconut · 21/04/2016 13:15

We've always had the parties in the church hall after, it's convenient and means people don't have to find two venues. We've also self catered so always got what we wanted food wiseSo I'd say having to travel to the party complicates things but it is up to you what you do.

RainbowFlower24 · 21/04/2016 13:17

'Her baby' - my DM does this - how's my baby? Referring to my DC. I laugh and say I'm fine thanks mum. That milk thing is weird though.

diddl · 21/04/2016 13:21

I think if the pub is suitable, then use it.

It doesn't have to set a precedent for always giving in.

You could just say that you hadn't thought of it, had a look and liked it so will use it.

Equally, if you look & don't like it/think it's suitable, you could always say that.

BoatyMcBoat · 21/04/2016 13:24

I have never been to a christening or funeral where the party after was in the same place; very few weddings either. I've always had to go to the ceremony, and then travel a bit again to get to the party venue - mainly someone's home (my dad always took the opportunity to stop at a pub and have a quick 'apperitif'!).

Do what you want. No one's going to be drinking at the christening so driving to the party venue won't be difficult for anyone. If your MIL makes a lot of fuss, you could arrange a lift or taxi for her.

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 13:26

dont get me wrong she is a lovely lady when it's not revolved planning things or my ds. but anything to do with him she takes over.

I'm going off on a tangent here....basically I'm going to look at this venue see how it looks and if they will let us do our own catering (it'll be a lot cheaper) she wanted me to get the pub to do it which will cost us a lot more money than we can afford. then if I like it I'll book it if I don't well at least I haven't ignored her suggestion.

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 21/04/2016 13:43

"So what you're saying, MIL, is that I should find a church to christen the baby that's within walking distance of the restaurant I've chosen. Fine. We'll move the christening."

That should shut her up.

AlwaysNC · 21/04/2016 13:44

If your family won't travel 30mins for the ceremony, would they travel 15mims for the party?

wiltingfast · 21/04/2016 13:51

Well it is v handy for everyone to walk out of the church and into the reception. People have already traveled so I don't really think having a venue midway actually is all that important.

Just something to bear in mind.

diddl · 21/04/2016 13:57

I think if she's generally lovely, as you say, there's no need to stand your ground to prove a point or be nasty.

Perhaps you include her too much so she feels that her opinion is wanted?

MLGs · 21/04/2016 13:57

I think you should do what you want, tbh. There does seem to be some logical in having the party near the church (unless it's horrible) but if that's not what you and your DP want then that's fine.

We had DS's christening party before the christening itself because the church we went to at that time only did christenings on Sunday late afternoon. It was August and we wanted to use our garden for the party. My DF did not like this at all, and it's not what usually happens, but you do what you want.

Also, it worked really well because lots of people (including godparents) got stuck in terrible traffic, and would have missed the christening itself if they had been aiming for anything like the time it started.

LagunaBubbles · 21/04/2016 13:59

Op how many people arent coming to the ceremony and just the party?

Jessbow · 21/04/2016 14:06

Will a pub let you do your own food? Unusual if it does.

PleasePleasePleaseMN · 21/04/2016 14:11

Tell her to have another baby if she doesn't like it.

Original poster

Ahappynewmummy · 21/04/2016 14:34

I just laughed at your comment please

my family will travel but it's her side that are funny about it. That's why I wanted it in the middle to make it fair.

pubs by me if they have a room they let you do your own if you buy your drinks from them.

OP posts:

nocoffeenouppee · 21/04/2016 15:03

I think this thread is like a lot on mn. To those of us with fairly normal non-abusive, non-domineering family this seems like someone offering a good suggestion. If this was my mil I'd probably concede she was right. My mil wouldn't behave the way of the OP's.

OP. As others have said. It's your choice.

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