To ask: coincidence or paranoia?

[TiredHamster]

You are one of a group of ten colleagues. Most of them have invited the group over to their houses for a meal, and each time this has happened, most have come. All invites and arrangements are done by email, typically a month or so in advance

You email the whole group, inviting them all round for a meal at yours. on a day a month from now. One by one, each of them declines, until everyone has said they can't come.

Should you infer from this that:

A. What a coincidence! Everyone has a pre-booked holiday, family gathering or unspecified other prior engagement on that day

OR

B. They don't like you but don't want to tell you.

?

They must really hate you to bugger off for a fortnight OP

Nah, bad luck and timings.

Post a message saying "Gah! Obviously planned that night badly as every single one of you is away...I'd like to offer an alternative date, what about X"

Yes, you could write back to them with one or more dates. Even if everyone says no again, at least if they're not actually going away, they might realise how rude they've been collectively.

I don't think they necessarily dislike you, but they're behaving like sheep. I reckon they're just being lazy and seeing who else is going.

I think I'd be in tears if this was me OP, hope you're OK I think what others have said about people declining because they've seen others have is probably true. Try not to let it knock your confidence, they obviously like you enough to invite you normally! You should definitely try again.

I've decided that I'm an attendee rather than a thrower of parties, nobody ever comes.

Next time you are out with them make a joke (definitely not a joke) about how you tried to organise something but they all blew you out.

Also, I hope you've changed some details because I found this thread through Facebook!

I don't have the worlds most hectic social calendar, but I am busy every weekend in May, and I just tried to organise a get together with my best friend and we are looking at July before she is free . Maybe they really are all busy, the only way you'll know for sure is invite them again, maybe with a bit more notice, or ask them for suitable dates.

If they swerve it again then they are all a shower of shite.

I always do a doodle poll

A month is no time at all - I have no 'free' weekend i.e. time for an evening just for myself until end June now...when you have families and stuff that is how is goes isn't it?

You seem very ready to assume they are arseholes..are you not that keen on them yourself?

Coincidence.

1. They invite you to their houses - if they hated you they'd leave you off the invite list.
2. I'm not hugely sociable and even I might have weekends booked up that far in advance.
3. Have you never been to a party where almost no one turned up? Because I have and the people hosting the parties have always been sociable, likeable people who just got unlucky with the timing.

Doodle polls are a good idea.

Do the first three all live nearby to each other? So they are perfectly happy to socialise locally but too lazy to schlep over to your place.

With that sort of response, unless they are all childless I would lay odds on it being school half term dates.

I wouldn't read tons into it, I'm the one that organises work girls night out once every six weeks or so. It got far too difficult canvassing for dates, some people wouldn't reply at all until there was a date set etc. So I started saying "meal out on this day, let me know if you're in" and go ahead on that day regardless. At best we've had about 12, last month there were 5. And this is on week nights to ensure maximum attendance. People just have busy lives!

As you're colleagues it's easy enough to find out who's really away isn't it? That'd be quite an elaborate lie to have to keep up...

This happened to me. I have never offered to host anything since.

I've decided that I'm an attendee rather than a thrower of parties

Me too!

Seriously, why on earth are you bothering? I'd just be polite and friendly but abstract myself from what sounds like a ghastly group anyway.

This is why I don't bother with stuff like this, I'm way too sensitive and paranoid and infer all sorts from things. Easier just to be a social leper (my embroidery skills are the shiz).

Do they have young families? We have to be REALLY good, couply, friends with people to have a piss-up, including room to accommodate us and 2 children, we don't have any childcare. I'd be able to hit up something on my own though, or DH on his own.

May and June are quite bad months I think for doing stuff, because everyone's excited about nice weather and bank holidays and arranged stuff.

Don't underestimate the power of the British Winter.

Me personally being naturally suspicious. I'd say B.

I don't know about your area, but that last week of May is half term for me. If they have kids then many folks load up the car as soon as the kids finish school on Friday and dash off for a long weekend!

But I'm also totally paranoid - I rarely organise things anymore because I never seem to get the numbers. Just lately though, I've started to see its not just me - have heard of a few friends who invited 300+ Facebook friends to big dos only to have 20 people turn up. A few weeks back I had to leave a get together early because the babysitter couldn't be out late (GCSEs!) and was touched to receive some texts and messages and then bumping into people out and about over the next few days - all who had missed not having had chance to speak with me that evening. The same group I've tried to organise things with and no one can do. Sometimes it really is just paranoia.

Send a few alternative dates. If no one can make them say you're passing the ball on to someone else to organise the next get together!

I imagine (like me), they have busy lives and can't spare weekend nights for work colleagues when I'm barely seeing my very best buds. They don't hate you but have other stuff going on. In my case I never want to do 'work' socials. Doesn't mean I hate my colleagues.

Coincidence unless it happens again next time.

I have a pretty tame social life but I'd be hard pushed to find a weekend evening between now and end of summer term where I don't have plans.

I think it is a coincidence. A month is too short notice and people are busy in the spring months. I have invited people from work to my place many times. I usually give 3 alternatives dates, at least 6-8 weeks in advance. And even so, if I invite about 15-20 people, probably 8-10 will be able to come.