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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: coincidence or paranoia?

71 replies

TiredHamster · 20/04/2016 15:13

You are one of a group of ten colleagues. Most of them have invited the group over to their houses for a meal, and each time this has happened, most have come. All invites and arrangements are done by email, typically a month or so in advance

You email the whole group, inviting them all round for a meal at yours. on a day a month from now. One by one, each of them declines, until everyone has said they can't come.

Should you infer from this that:

A. What a coincidence! Everyone has a pre-booked holiday, family gathering or unspecified other prior engagement on that day

OR

B. They don't like you but don't want to tell you.

?

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredHamster · 20/04/2016 16:43

"Or perhaps they're all having an affair and are going away together"

Hahahahahaha well that made me laugh anyway.

"Have you declined your own invitation?"

No, but my maths is crap. There are 11 in the group: 10 plus me #failedGCSE

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredHamster · 20/04/2016 16:44

Just had an email from the 9th to cancel, who basically admitted that she didn't want it to be just the two of us. OK, so only 9 of them hate me. Fabulous.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredHamster · 20/04/2016 16:47

"Slap on the guilt. They'll never be able to refuse."

But I don't want people here out of guilt. What's in it then for any of us?

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 20/04/2016 16:54

Offer another date op...that will make things clear.

BalloonSlayer · 20/04/2016 16:57

I'd guess one of the "reply all" people, or perhaps more than one, is a queen bee type and people don't want to go if they are not going.

Who was the first "reply all" person to decline? Does that cap fit?

A bit bloody arrogant to "reply all" on that sort of invitation, it almost screams "EVERYONE will care that I can't come. It won't be the same without MEEEE!"

SaucyJack · 20/04/2016 16:59

Were some of the first few to decline the fun ones who get the conversation going?

I reckon some were genuine, and the last few bottled it because they didn't want to be stuck at a boring evening with kerazy Fliss from HR who talks about nothing but her Barry M glittler eyeshadow collection.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/04/2016 17:03

They must be doing somethin together surely.

The chances of all of them being busy must be virtually nil.

Sorry OP, whatever it is, it can't make you feel great.

ILikeUranus · 20/04/2016 17:04

As a one-off, I'd think the first few declines genuinely couldn't make it, and then the others were thinking 'well, crap, I don't want to go if it ends up with hardly anyone going, I'll get now before it's rude'. Except the last one 'shit, it's already rude to decline, but I can't go on my own... better be honest and just say so'.

YelloRoses · 20/04/2016 17:08

You are right to be paranoid I would, anything happened recently?

Original poster
TiredHamster · 20/04/2016 17:22

"I'd guess one of the "reply all" people, or perhaps more than one, is a queen bee type and people don't want to go if they are not going."

I don't know about Queen Bee as such, but declines 1-3 are usual the ones who get the conversation going.

"As a one-off, I'd think the first few declines genuinely couldn't make it, and then the others were thinking 'well, crap, I don't want to go if it ends up with hardly anyone going, I'll get now before it's rude'. Except the last one 'shit, it's already rude to decline, but I can't go on my own... better be honest and just say so'."

Arseholes, then, aren't they.

OP posts:
Queenbean · 20/04/2016 17:32

Why is it so hard to believe that everyone might have plans on a weekend evening a month in advance?!

SaucyJack · 20/04/2016 17:46

Arsehole is quite a strong word.

Was that tongue in cheek?

MangoMoon · 20/04/2016 18:16

If the first three turn downs were the conversationalists who are known for keeping the atmosphere going, then it is inevitable really that other people say no off the back of that.
The last couple of people would say no because it would feel awkward with just 3 or 4 people if it's usually 10.

The best group situations are a nice mix of introverts & extroverts imo, too much of one offsets the balance.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/04/2016 18:46

Hmm. Impossible for any of us to know obviously, however, my thoughts would be that:
a) Next month is May and a lot of folk do take an early break then; kicked off with May bank holiday ect.
b) The 'sheep effect' has kicked in with the decline from the first 2 or 3. Especially given that the first few to decline are the more social ones.
c) Once the numbers got too low it was an inevitable fizzle out.

What would i do? I'd try a rearrange and see what happened. Then come back and tell us :)

Oncandystripedlegs · 20/04/2016 19:12

Do a doodle poll with a list of dates , I wouldn't take it personally .

Oncandystripedlegs · 20/04/2016 19:13

doodle.com/en_GB/

HopefulHamster · 20/04/2016 19:15

This happened to me once. We worked in west London, they all lived fairly centrally, I lived in east London at the time. This was many years ago, we were all young and I had gone to all of their houses. I think two factors - 1) no one was close enough to me to go no matter what, no one 'had my back and 2) they just couldn't be arsed to do the journey.

TealLove · 20/04/2016 19:15

Hmm I don't think they like you I'm sorry.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 20/04/2016 19:18

I would struggle to get 10 friends together with just a few weeks notice, that normally takes months of planning!

havetosaythis · 20/04/2016 19:21

I don't think they necessarily dislike you, they just don't like you enough to go if not all of them can go.

I don't actually think it makes people 'arseholes' if they don't want to go to an event where the main 2 or 3 chatty people aren't going.

Mumsnetters are forever telling posters they don't have to go to events/parties/weddings/dinners if they don't want to go!

HackerFucker22 · 20/04/2016 19:23

It may well be that people's time to socialise is limited so some of the group have seen others decline they have thought they'd decline too as there won't be the full group there? Iyswim?

havetosaythis · 20/04/2016 19:27

Also is it quite soon after the last get together? I like seeing old friends or colleagues a couple of times a year but not every few weeks - too many other things to fit in!

CornishDoll82 · 20/04/2016 19:33

Going into the summer there are a lot of weddings and stuff at weekends.

I'd just dig deeper in conversation!

minatiae · 21/04/2016 00:12

I'd say coincidence the first time.

Email back and suggest maybe 3 alternative dates. If none of them can make any of those, the answer is different.

novemberchild · 21/04/2016 01:04

I reckon they are all swingers.