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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend coopting my nanny

42 replies

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 14:01

I work part time, two days a week. I have a really amazing nanny who has been with us for a few months now. DC love her – she’s great about doing activities with them and taking them to the park and just in general being fun with them.

Eldest DC has a friend whose mum freelances and occasionally needed after school care. So we often used to swap play dates to help her with cover. She recently announced that one client was going to be more formal so would need cover on a more regular basis. I said I’d see if my nanny was up for a nanny share as
a. It was only going to be one day a week roughly every other week
b. I know how hard it can be to find ad-hoc care and
c. I thought my nanny would welcome the extra money

It all seemed to work out, and they've started using her once a week on her own and once every other week with my DC.

Last week, the mum told me that she might actually be working for the client full time and wanted to check that it was okay if they used the nanny every day. I was shocked and didn't actually get a chance to answer, just asked what had happened to freelancing and then someone else came along and the conversation shifted. Yesterday she texted me and nanny as part of a conversation about cover over the half term saying that she was going to be working full time by then.

AIBU to feel like she’s stolen my nanny? The nanny share experience is so different then what we currently have which is this lovely 1:2 / 1:1 time. I don’t think I can now say no outright, as the nanny may just choose to go with the family that’s offering her the hours, understandably. Can I ask that one day a week we keep it as just my family and they need to find something else? That of course may be really difficult. And they may think IBU. They are a lovely family but I feel taken advantage of. AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:

Roseformeplease · 20/04/2016 14:05

Speak to the nanny. It is her choice. The friend is trying to poach your nanny and, understandably, this should affect your friendship. The friend is behaving like a business poaching good staff, not like a friend. I would ditch the friend.

But, ultimately, your nanny is not a possession, she is a person and she can choose where, when and how much she works for.

MiniCooperLover · 20/04/2016 14:08

Unfortunately I think you're going to have to ask the Nanny what she's willing to do.

Original poster

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 14:09

Just to be clear, the friend's idea was that we would share on the two days I needed her, so while not completely stealing her, it's certainly changing the arrangement I had.

OP posts:

EarthboundMisfit · 20/04/2016 14:41

What does your nanny think? Whatever the outcome, I wouldn't be happy with my friend at all.

LyndaNotLinda · 20/04/2016 14:51

After school one day a week every other week is not the same as two days a week every week.

I would be furious! Obviously it's entirely your nanny's choice but if you wanted a full time nanny share arrangement, then that's what you would have got in the first place, surely?

GloriousGoosebumps · 20/04/2016 15:00

Your friend obviously doesn't have any problem with being assertive.

Two questions, what was your nanny doing on the three days per week that she wasn't looking after your children? Has your friend high jacked some previous arrangement? Secondly, what would your friend say if you said that you didn't want a permanent nanny share on the two days that the nanny works for you?

GloriousGoosebumps · 20/04/2016 15:01

Your friend obviously doesn't have any problem with being assertive.

Original poster

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 15:08

Nanny is a muscian/artist and does some waiting tables so very flexible with her time. I haven't actually had a chance to ask her about this as just got the text last night, but had asked her last week how she thought it was going and if she felt like she still had time for her music and she said yes, she was enjoying it all.

Nanny is very easy going and gets paid 50% more during the shared hours so presumably happy with it. I think I need to have a proper speak with her though and just say I'm not thrilled with going to a fill nanny share and does she have any thoughts.

I just find it frustrating as if they were looking for a 5 days a week to begin with they would have not had that much trouble finding someone, but finding someone to do just 2 days (ie what I need) is really difficult.

OP posts:

HanYOLO · 20/04/2016 15:23

How many kids in total?

If Nanny is actually artist/musician, she may not want to work full time

Would you find someone else in preference to sharing care? Or lump it?

How good a friendship do you have with the other family? Can you be frank?

I don't think YABU but I don't think you will get the outcome you want from this.

MrsMainwaring · 20/04/2016 15:24

Ultimately it's the nannys decision however I would tell the friend I'm not happy about her trying to poach her , especially as you tried to help her out

Original poster

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 16:04

I really don't want to have to find someone else though, as the nanny is such a good fit for us and I found her first! And when I looked before it was hard to find people happy to do so few hours, who weren't going to turn around and leave us as soon as a more full time gig showed up.

I think I'll tell the nanny that I'd prefer to have one non-nanny share day as the kids really value their time with her and that I was going to ask the other family if they could find alternative arrangements one day a week. And see if she is happy with that. Does that sound reasonable? Ugh, I hate confrontation though. But it sounds like I'm not being completely unreasonable, am I. And if I do it sooner rather than later it can just be a pick up the original conversations "so, what is happening with work? Is this a long term thing? In that case, can you find alt arrangements for one of the days as its not really what we originally agreed."

I suppose she could say no, in which case I will brand her a nanny poacher and suck it up until I find something else.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2016 16:33

Is your nanny your employee or is she self-employed? Do you have a contract with her?

Original poster

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 16:41

Nanny is self employed. Arrangements are adhoc. My work is flexible which was one of the nice things about our arrangement - if she had a gig, we could try to arrange a different day that week for instance, but likewise I could ask her to do another day if I needed it and she was available.

So yes, I realise I don't "own" her and she is free to go elsewhere, I just really regret introducing her to my friend now

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/04/2016 16:46

Your friend has put you in a difficult position and I think she should have discussed it with you and got a clear answer before approaching the Nanny with her proposal. It feels a bit underhand.
As a Nanny, I would also feel a bit backed into a corner as you are both her employers.
As a pp mentioned above, if you have a contract your Nanny should adhere to that and work out her notice if need be or draw up a new contract.

It sounds as though the Nanny is not planning to work full time if she has music and art studies(?) so may well turn down your friend's full time request.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/04/2016 16:48

Sorry, just seen your post r.e no contract.
Yes I think you have been slightly stabbed in the back by your friend.

Original poster

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 17:11

Just to clarify, it's just afterschool so won't be full time anyway. Regardless, I'm going to get the ball rolling by speaking to nanny now. Will report back later. thanks everyone.

OP posts:

steppemum · 20/04/2016 17:13

while it is totally your nanny's choice, I would go back to your friend and say you feel she is pinching your nanny, you don't want your kids to have a nanny share every day, and that it is very difficult to find a 2 day flexible nanny while for her to find a 5 day nanny is much easier. make it clear that you feel she has abused your goodwill, and you are upset with her. She may still go ahead, but she needs to know that she has been out of order on this.

She has made MANY assumptions in this, including that the nanny will do it! I suspect she really wants it, because it is cheaper if it is a nanny share, rather than pay for a single nanny full time.

Original poster

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 17:14

I think cost is part of it but it is also just easier than looking for someone herself. I'm just remembering that I also shelled out for her DBS!

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/04/2016 17:21

Your nanny might be able to recommend another nanny for your friend if she is on the 'nanny circuit'.
Hope you find a resolution.

JakeBallardswife · 20/04/2016 17:22

I completely understand your point about quality time and also flexibility and ease for you and the nanny. I do a lift share to /from school with another family and their DC Snd whilst it's helpful to share for similar reasons I think it may be easier just to take them myself and rearrange work commitments around this. One of the kids is often going to another after school club and it often results with last minute texts from the other family at busy times.

toastyarmadillo · 20/04/2016 17:33

What did the nanny say?

Lulu1083 · 20/04/2016 17:43

I would be very careful here OP.

If your friend is using the nanny full time and you only a couple of days a week then it won't be long till it feels like she's the main client, what she says goes and she may decide the sharing option doesn't work for her anymore.

FuriousFate · 20/04/2016 17:46

This is why I don't share details of my babysitters. People are so cheeky! She can't be a very good friend if she's willing to put you in such an awkward position. Speak to the nanny.

BerylStreep · 20/04/2016 17:51

The friend sounds out of order. She is piggy-backing on your hard efforts in finding someone and having them checked, and now wants to take over completely.

I had a 'friend' try the same in relation to my cleaner. I refused to give her the cleaner's number. We're not friends anymore (although for many other reasons).

Divathecat · 20/04/2016 18:04

She asked for your opinion and you didn't say anything so you can't blame her for pressing ahead. You need to grow a pair and say no.

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