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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend coopting my nanny

42 replies

MaryPopped · 20/04/2016 14:01

I work part time, two days a week. I have a really amazing nanny who has been with us for a few months now. DC love her – she’s great about doing activities with them and taking them to the park and just in general being fun with them.

Eldest DC has a friend whose mum freelances and occasionally needed after school care. So we often used to swap play dates to help her with cover. She recently announced that one client was going to be more formal so would need cover on a more regular basis. I said I’d see if my nanny was up for a nanny share as
a. It was only going to be one day a week roughly every other week
b. I know how hard it can be to find ad-hoc care and
c. I thought my nanny would welcome the extra money

It all seemed to work out, and they've started using her once a week on her own and once every other week with my DC.

Last week, the mum told me that she might actually be working for the client full time and wanted to check that it was okay if they used the nanny every day. I was shocked and didn't actually get a chance to answer, just asked what had happened to freelancing and then someone else came along and the conversation shifted. Yesterday she texted me and nanny as part of a conversation about cover over the half term saying that she was going to be working full time by then.

AIBU to feel like she’s stolen my nanny? The nanny share experience is so different then what we currently have which is this lovely 1:2 / 1:1 time. I don’t think I can now say no outright, as the nanny may just choose to go with the family that’s offering her the hours, understandably. Can I ask that one day a week we keep it as just my family and they need to find something else? That of course may be really difficult. And they may think IBU. They are a lovely family but I feel taken advantage of. AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
MrsLupo · 20/04/2016 18:13

I just find it frustrating as if they were looking for a 5 days a week to begin with they would have not had that much trouble finding someone, but finding someone to do just 2 days (ie what I need) is really difficult.

Leaving aside your friend's poachy behaviour, which I would find upsetting too, this (^^) is a really pertinent point and one I think she would be really unreasonable not to consider. I can see that, having tried your nanny and liked her, she probably doesn't want to find a different nanny, but she's the one whose circumstances have changed, not you, and she needs to take responsibility for the fact that the plan as sold to you is not the plan now on the table. Could you explain the practicalities of it all to her and appeal to her better nature? Or explain it all to your nanny and get her onside? Ultimately, though, it's up to the nanny. Fingers crossed she doesn't want so many extra hours.

Bad form of your friend.

eddielizzard · 20/04/2016 20:08

i would not speak to friend about it. i'd tell nanny you'd rather have her f/t with your kids and not sharing. it's her choice. if she says she wants the f/t work then maybe ask for sharing as you'll have 'lost' your 1:1 time with her. nanny may not want to work f/t for friend.

friend probably hasn't thought this through properly if she doesn't have previous form. she is assuming rather a lot though and i would not be happy.

Chebs · 20/04/2016 20:16

I would just say that it wouldn't work for your family as you were only offering shared time once every other week.

After school clubs etc can be her answer for those days she needs childcare.

Chebs · 20/04/2016 20:17

Sorry... I would say that to Nanny. Not friend. If she brought up the subject I would just repeat it to her.
"Sorry, doesn't work for us I'm afraid"

BerylStreep · 20/04/2016 20:22

I agree with Chebs - conversation should be with nanny rather than friend.

nannynick · 20/04/2016 20:23

Does your friend realise that they would be the nanny's employer. It is not an ad hoc arrangement, it is a permanent job.

YANB to be annoyed at your friend trying to poach your nanny, though as you were using the nanny on an ad hoc freelance basis, you can not expect nanny to always be available or to even continue taking bookings. Something better for the nanny could have come along at any point causing her to dump ad hoc clients.

JinRamen · 20/04/2016 20:43

I think your friend has totally stabbed you in the back as others have said. I would be furious!

Theladyloriana · 20/04/2016 23:20

Your friend is a cow bag. And pushy. And I would speak to her directly about it.

Theladyloriana · 20/04/2016 23:21

And then drop her sharpish.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 21/04/2016 04:58

'friend' has taken advantage, and trampled all over your hard work finding a nanny that suits your needs. I'd be really really pissed off.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 21/04/2016 05:48

Your friend is out of order.

Tamesa · 21/04/2016 08:10

Tax consequences....
As above if your nanny becomes a ft employee on a contract as above her employers will be responsible for tax, ni and employers' ni.
Nanny wages are usually quoted net so this would all be an additional cost. This could potentially increase the cost by over 40% (based on when I last had a nanny). Potential pension implications.
It's also hassle for you and the nanny.
If I were you I would talk to someone like nanny tax to establish the actual potential cost. You could make this look like a very unattractive proposition.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/04/2016 08:18

Your friend is massively out of order Shock

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/04/2016 11:09

So if I have understood this correctly, you currently employ a self employed "nanny" for after school care only two days a week, but presumably full days during school holidays?

She does all kinds of other jobs so could currently legitimately claim that she is self employed to HMRC.

Once she becomes employed FT by this other family, if she discontinues her other areas of employment and if you are sucked into it becoming a formal "nanny share" arrangement you will be liable for a range of other costs and there are legal consequences for non compliance.

From what you have written above I would tread very carefully and do your research. Personally it is less of an issue for me to share care on two afternoons a week but the holidays are a different matter and from the approach taken so far by the other family, I think they will try to ensure that financially and location-ally it is all to their advantage.

Take a step back, decide what you want and be prepared to stand up for yourself. Unfortunately you can only make an offer to your nanny, she doesn't have to take it.

Potatoface2 · 21/04/2016 11:36

Is this nanny cash in hand....which isnt self employed at all....is she going to be properly employed ???.....i wonder if shes not realised what it will entail....or is it gonna be an employed/cash in hand job....it all sounds odd to me!

AppleSetsSail · 21/04/2016 11:40

Your friend has sabotaged your childcare without a thought for the bind in which it would leave you.

I'd tell her to fuck off.

This might be good for your nanny, it's up to her really.

adagio · 22/04/2016 07:24

Wow! Unbelievably cheeky of your friend - good points about tax/NI/pensions etc. I'm put off the idea of a nanny for my two partly because of the complexity of having an 'employee' (and cost, obviously).

Hope this all gets resolved for you 💐

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