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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Missing fiancé

59 replies

Falling270 · 19/04/2016 22:58

I'm working away from home, missing my fiancé and can't see him for another month. Really struggling to cope as missing him so much. I know that sounds pathetic but I feel so miserable. Have any of you had to be apart from your partners for an extended period of time and if so how do you cope?

OP posts:

Original poster

Falling270 · 19/04/2016 23:51

CuteCat

OP posts:

Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 23:52

I found some nautical underwear for his home coming.

He appreciated it

CrackerChops · 19/04/2016 23:56

This actually reminds me of an old pal from back home who was married to a DH who worked on the oil rigs. He used to be at home for 3 weeks, and then go away for another 3. I once asked her how she copes, as that she must miss him like mad. her response?
"I bloody love it. Great sex and posh dinners for 3 weeks, and then after that I get the house all to myself for 3 weeks to slob out and watch whatever I want on the telly. Bliss."

RudeElf · 19/04/2016 23:56

For 18 months i would stick it out if the pay off was good.

Imaginosity · 19/04/2016 23:57

Why can't some armed forces people be in touch with family for months on end? Does that apy even if you have young children who miss their parent?

CrackerChops · 20/04/2016 00:00

Imaginosity They can be on sensitive operations which could require them to go "silent" - for example if you are on a submarine and want to stay undetected.

Cutecat78 · 20/04/2016 00:00

Submarines can't send out anything as it would give away the position of the boat potentially.

If me and the kids died he wouldn't get told until the day before he got off the boat.

There would be nothing he could do and it would endanger his mental health and others by him knowing and not being able to get off the boat. They don't surface during patrol for anything.

RudeElf · 20/04/2016 00:03

What they^ said. And yes applies even with young children.

Exp left for 6 month deployment when ds was 11 days old. Had contact for a couple of days then nothing for 8 weeks.

scaryteacher · 20/04/2016 00:10

Imaginosity - my husband was dived at sea doing perisher running when our ds was born . He didn't know he had a son til 3 days after the event, and even then, it took a while for him to get home.

The Armed Forces have a unique job, and the needs of the service come first. Operational safety is more important than a phone call home if you think about it.

OP, you just have to get on with it. I think it's harder being the one at home, as you have your job to get on with, and you don't have to come back to an empty house, or deal with the domestic problems that always happened in threes the moment the bloody submarine got into Plymouth Sound and disappeared off into the wide blue yonder.

Imaginosity · 20/04/2016 00:10

Wow - that's interesting - it must be difficult. How long do they stay under water in the submarine at a time - and do they get fed up of each other? Sorry I know this is off-topic

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2016 00:12

So all these men who are working on submarines etc, do you think they are really miserable missing their fiances? I think not. I'm sure they get homesick and I'm sure they miss their families but I doubt they feel the level of misery the OP does. What is this? Gender conditioning, genuine gender difference?

Cutecat78 · 20/04/2016 00:14

It depends what type of boat.

My OH is on Trident.

They spend 6 weeks training "index" where there is not a lot of contact then fuck off for 12 weeks. We are allowed to send 120 words a week but nothing emotional, serious, personal or sexual and they send nothing back.

We get 24 hrs notice before their return. We can plan nothing .

Cutecat78 · 20/04/2016 00:16

My OH keeps a diary while he's away which is gives to me when he gets back.

He struggles too but he's used to it and so am I - it's our life.

We make the most of things when we are together as we rarely spend birthdays or Christmas together.

Cutecat78 · 20/04/2016 00:21

And yeah what scaryteacher says - tbh if you are with someone in the forces you accept that the forces comes first.

Quook · 20/04/2016 00:38

Blimey this thread is getting a bit competitive as to who has it worse. OP, there's nothing wrong with feeling a bit sorry for yourself. I would. My DH often works away from home but just for a few weeks at a time and I really miss him after a while. I find I don't miss him much during the first week or so but there seems to be a point about two weeks in where I really, really miss him. I'm in awe of everyone who deals with longer absenses especially those where their loved ones are somewhere dangerous. I think that must be very difficult.

I suppose, though that you do just have to get on with it.

Quook · 20/04/2016 00:41

CuteCat. That's really interesting. Will he get to retire early? I hope the pay is good.

scaryteacher · 20/04/2016 01:05

Imaginosity, the submarines can stay dived a long time...but it's really dependent on food. No point being dived if you can't feed the crew!

My Dh was on Hunter killers, not bombers, and patrol lengths varied. Cutecat is lucky though....we got 2x 30 words per patrol (one grumblegram a month) and they got censored.

Quook.....pay is according to rate/rank, and you get submarine pay. My dh retired at 53, when his commission ended, and the pension should keep me in chocolate once the mortgage is paid off, and his post retirement job ends.

DementedUnicorn · 20/04/2016 01:21

nothing emotional, serious, personal or sexual

What the heck can you write about? Surely that's pretty much everything?

kickassangel · 20/04/2016 02:34

The weather?

Pippa12 · 20/04/2016 03:06

I don't think it's woe is me at all. I absoloutly hate my DH being away for work/gold/trips and he only goes two/three nights max. I miss him terribly, even when it's me away having the fun. I'd never manage more than a week, I'd be a wreck it's not pathetic, it's how we are wired! I hope it goes quick for you. If you can stick it out, great. IMHO, no amount of money would make this set up feesable to me... Ever.

Pippa12 · 20/04/2016 03:07

*golf not gold... Now for gold ...

Cutecat78 · 20/04/2016 09:15

Sorry didn't mean to come across as competitive OP or hijack your thread

Telling you to "get over yourself" isn't kind or helpful IMO - people who have no idea tell me that all the time -, it's hard and sometimes all you need if for someone to acknowledge that.

magimedi · 20/04/2016 09:21

Cutecat for you & your DH for all you do.

We had long spells apart many years ago - the nicest thing of all was getting a letter - a real snail mail letter. It's something your OH has touched, you can keep it on you & re read it whenever you want.

I miss getting letters!

(And I realise that submariners can't do that!)

mrsmortis · 20/04/2016 09:58

I travel for work. Normally within Europe so I'm away 3 nights most weeks. But if I need to go further afield it can be for a month or more at a time.

I took to keeping a little notebook in which I wrote a steam of conciousness letter home. It felt like I was having a conversation with DH and my DDs.

whois · 20/04/2016 10:13

Have any of you had to be apart from your partners for an extended period of time and if so how do you cope?

Yes. For months at a time.

Set aside a certain time that you will facetime each other. Facetime so much better than phone calls because you can see each other and you get a lot more out of the interaction. Having a set time means you can be sure of actually getting to chat.

Focus on the positives of the situation - try and get out and about rather than just sitting in the hotel room on your own. Maybe just throw yourself into work big time.

Can you do anything exciting at the weekends that you wouldn't normally be able to do? Travel a bit at the weekends?

To successfully work away it helps if oyu have 'mobile hobbies' e.g. if you love yoga can you book into yoga classes on Saturday and sundae? If you like running get out for two nice runs. If you like art, what art galleries can you go to?

Focus on the time to be back together i.e. its only 4 weeks, 1 week is nothing so 3x nothing is nothing... Helps me to frame it like that in my mind.

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