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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Leaving without saying goodbye.

43 replies

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 19:56

I went to the pub with two friends from a college course. We are a tight-knit group as there are only 15 of us, all taking the same classes.

When I turned up, I bought a round for the friends (M and F) and F's friends who were also there. I thought we were all getting along fine. F kept drunkenly saying "me and M are staying at mine", as if to clarify that I wasn't invited. This was fine. I said I was getting the train anyway.

Last orders bell rang, I went to the loo. When I came back, the pub was empty. I was only gone a few seconds. I looked out the door and (it's a long, straight road) they'd vanished into thin air.

By some unfortunate quirk, I had missed the last train and my phone battery was about to die. I had been relying on borrowing one of their phones to ring a cab back to my home town, which is 11 miles away. But they'd gone.

I sent a message to M saying "phone about to die - did you leave? I wanted to borrow a phone quickly, I'm at xxxx". He replied "yeah soz".

Unfortunately, my phone battery didn't last long enough to get to the station and I ended up lost. A strange man tried to pick me up and started following me, begging me to stay at his flat. I finally saw a cab, hailed it and jumped in, shutting the door so the man couldn't get to me. I didn't have much change on me and tried to get to my friend's address. They didn't answer the door and I couldn't call them.

Eventually I ended up trying to walk home, about 10 miles. En route I tried the emergency button at a train station (was told he couldn't help me), to get the attention of security guards in a university building, and to ask a man in a shop to ring a cab for me. Nobody wanted to help. It was pissing it down with rain, and finally I was helped by a security guard at a large venue that I got to. He helped me call a cab and I got home.

So my AIBU is really, should they have told me they were leaving? I know grown adults are ultimately responsible for themselves. I just don't think I'd leave a lone person, who I know doesn't live locally, to fend for themselves. I also felt that their disappearing act was in some way indicative that they don't like me :(

OP posts:

Imnotaslimjim · 19/04/2016 19:59

What an inconsiderate thing to do!

Personally I would have made sure you had made your train before leaving, its the nice thing to do!

LaurieFairyCake · 19/04/2016 19:59

They sound like inconsiderate twats who don't like you much.

Don't buy them any more drinks

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/04/2016 19:59

It's not very nice not too, but I think they'd made it clear that they aren't very nice with their constant comments about going home together - they were probably, unfortunately, waiting for you to disappear for a minute so they could do the same.

I'm really sorry about your night, too. Would the pub not call you a cab? That sounds horrendous.

I wonder if they thought you were planning to miss the train on purpose to stay with them? They sound really mean. I don't think they're proper friends, unfortunately.

JuxtapositionRecords · 19/04/2016 20:00

I think you know they were BU

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/04/2016 20:02

I don't understand why having got into a cab you got back out and tried getting another one. If have thought a taxi would take you to a cash point if that was the issue. They do sound like shit friends, but you need to be a bit more aware/self sufficient.

ollieplimsoles · 19/04/2016 20:04

Arseholes, anything could have happened to you.

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:06

I didn't ask the pub to call me a cab, which was admittedly stupid. I basically panicked when I found out I was alone, put up the maps app and tried to leg it to the station but my phone was doing the "bloop-bloop" low batt thing.

That's why I've asked AIBU because it seems like a grey area - it's not their fault that the chain of events happened, and some is my responsibility.

I got quite upset with M about it, and he acted like I was being completely unreasonable. In the end I apologised and he said we should leave it. He recently sent me a message asking if I was at home because he wanted to use my computer to do his work, as his is broken. I feel like he might be a bit of a user, or at least trying to use me.

He has bought me drinks on other occasions so it isn't all one-sided.

My gut feeling is that they're the kind of nasty friends you have at secondary school who essentially just take the piss out of you/enjoy being nasty as a bonding activity. But I don't want to make that kind of judgement if it's unfairly founded.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 19/04/2016 20:09

Why didn't you ask the cab driver in the first cab you got into to take you home? Why did you need to go to the flat at all?

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:09

With the two cabs, I tried to get to my mates' first because they always said to go there if I ever needed a place to stay. After they didn't answer, I started to walk, and I went past a cashpoint on the way.

The cabbie was also quite.. unfriendly.. I didn't really want to stay in a taxi with him. I was upset about the man following me and he just said "well why were you out alone?".

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 19/04/2016 20:10

He recently sent me a message asking if I was at home because he wanted to use my computer to do his work, as his is broken. I feel like he might be a bit of a user, or at least trying to use me.

Yeah, just a bit like.

Please don't meet up with this lot again.

CrazyDuchess · 19/04/2016 20:11

Yeah I don't understand if you was in a cab why you didn't go home? I know you said no change but surely there would have been a cashpoint en route??

Agreed it is shitty for them to leave without saying bye and making sure you was on your way.

In this case I think both parties are unreasonable

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:12

That's fair enough. I don't have a good reason for not stopping at a cashpoint, it seemed like the logical thing to do was to go to my mates', but obviously it wasn't.

OP posts:

Roseberrry · 19/04/2016 20:13

The things that happened after they left are not their fault, but that was really mean of them to leave you!

They are not your friends op, please don't allow yourself to be used.

CrazyDuchess · 19/04/2016 20:14

Sorry x post

But they made it clear in a very rude manner that you wasn't staying overy so I don't get why you tried to go there??

CrazyDuchess · 19/04/2016 20:15

Sorry yet another x post.

Not to take away from the fact they were shit. I'd take in any friend that got stranded.

I'd find some new friends!

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:15

Ah, it wasn't that mate. I was trying to get to a different friend's house - they're a really great group of people and I can't see them doing this. They're my main contrast actually; whenever we all go out together, they make a point of saying goodbyes.

OP posts:

CrazyDuchess · 19/04/2016 20:15

Overy??!!?? Meant over

CrazyDuchess · 19/04/2016 20:16

Ooohhh understand.

Ditch pub mates not worth it+

butteredmuffin · 19/04/2016 20:18

They sound like complete arseholes. I would be furious.

AugustinaDuBois · 19/04/2016 20:19

Yy yabu. They are clearly cunts and you seem desperate for their approval.
Definitely sounds like you were angling for an invite back to the flat, that's why you 'accidentally ' missed the train and didn't just get a cab from the pub to your house.
Find some self esteem and make some better friends.

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:22

I wasn't angling, but I'm not going to lose sleep over whether you believe me or not.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 20:23

Shitty thing to do but tbh, your actions after were bizarre. Getting a taxi to theirs, yet not getting it to wait and not wanting to use it anyway because he was unfriendly?! Not getting cash, trying to walk home, using the emergency button at a train station (knowing you'd missed the train) and trying to get the attention of security guards at a uni?! All a massively unnecessary drama, given you'd hailed a taxi in the first place.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2016 20:24

Mistakes happen, this 'mate' is not a mate after all, you just don't do that to friends. Instead of being concerned if you got home ok, he just wants to use your computer, this would be a dealbreaker, get rid of them.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 19/04/2016 20:26

Are you sure they didn't think you'd already gone?

Clearly you were a bit pissed (right?), and presumably they weren't too sober either. I expect they saw you'd gone and figured you were all leaving.

I would be upset - given what happened to you - and I would think if they were decent friends they'd sympathise and say sorry, but I don't think what they did is likely to have been premeditated.

MaybeDoctor · 19/04/2016 20:27

They were very rude, but your arrangements and approach to sorting yourself out sound a bit haphazard.

I got into a few near-scrapes when I was younger, in part because I was always cutting things fine, or relying on the last train, or the last connecting bus...

For your own safety it is always better to build in a bit of a buffer - the train that is one before the last train, a secret £10 in a pocket of your bag, saying 'no' to an extra drink, pre-booking a cab, pre-charging your phone earlier in the day.

Sorry you had a horrid end to your evening.

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