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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Leaving without saying goodbye.

43 replies

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 19:56

I went to the pub with two friends from a college course. We are a tight-knit group as there are only 15 of us, all taking the same classes.

When I turned up, I bought a round for the friends (M and F) and F's friends who were also there. I thought we were all getting along fine. F kept drunkenly saying "me and M are staying at mine", as if to clarify that I wasn't invited. This was fine. I said I was getting the train anyway.

Last orders bell rang, I went to the loo. When I came back, the pub was empty. I was only gone a few seconds. I looked out the door and (it's a long, straight road) they'd vanished into thin air.

By some unfortunate quirk, I had missed the last train and my phone battery was about to die. I had been relying on borrowing one of their phones to ring a cab back to my home town, which is 11 miles away. But they'd gone.

I sent a message to M saying "phone about to die - did you leave? I wanted to borrow a phone quickly, I'm at xxxx". He replied "yeah soz".

Unfortunately, my phone battery didn't last long enough to get to the station and I ended up lost. A strange man tried to pick me up and started following me, begging me to stay at his flat. I finally saw a cab, hailed it and jumped in, shutting the door so the man couldn't get to me. I didn't have much change on me and tried to get to my friend's address. They didn't answer the door and I couldn't call them.

Eventually I ended up trying to walk home, about 10 miles. En route I tried the emergency button at a train station (was told he couldn't help me), to get the attention of security guards in a university building, and to ask a man in a shop to ring a cab for me. Nobody wanted to help. It was pissing it down with rain, and finally I was helped by a security guard at a large venue that I got to. He helped me call a cab and I got home.

So my AIBU is really, should they have told me they were leaving? I know grown adults are ultimately responsible for themselves. I just don't think I'd leave a lone person, who I know doesn't live locally, to fend for themselves. I also felt that their disappearing act was in some way indicative that they don't like me :(

OP posts:

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:35

Thanks for the various opinions. I chose AIBU because I wanted to be challenged and I can see where the bits don't add up, it's definitely something I need to own and change for the future (my crap handling of it). I've bought a phone charging bank thing and will start carrying emergency tenner like I used to, and will focus on not getting in a tizz next time/making a bad situation worse.

Thanks MN.

OP posts:

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 19/04/2016 20:36

The other thing that might be worth doing is calling police on the non-emergency to report the bloke who harassed you? If you remember what he looked like etc, and if you feel confident to do that.

Treetopchallenger · 19/04/2016 20:36

Why were you turning up at another friends late at night? That's a bit rude tbh even if they have offered you a place to stay if you ever needed it. I may be completely off the mark here but you sound like a friend I had who was a user and thought she was hard done by. Used to deliberately miss trains, forget her purse, ask for favours etc and we would all end up bailing her out. Are you sure this behaviour doesn't sound familiar? We used to make a point of saying what's happening later that evening so friend was clear what was happening. She was invited over in the past but we had to put a stop to it as she would help herself to anything in our houses without asking and often outstay her welcome.

wasonthelist · 19/04/2016 20:38

I don't understand these "friends" at all. If I go out in a gang of folk I know I make sure we don't leave anyone. I've manhandled drunk friends off trains and even one to his door - you're supposed to look after each other.

Don't listen to folk being picky about what you did afterwards - it's not easy to think straight in unusual circumstances.

SupSlick · 19/04/2016 20:39

Agree with PP, if your phone doesn't have a great battery take your charger with you, ask the pub if you can charge your phone (not all places allow this but a woman on her own they should be a little understanding if you've been ditched), if you only had change on you but knew you might need to call a cab, I would've ensured I had enough cash.

Saying this is easy enough with hindsight. They shouldn't have ditched you. I wouldn't do them any favours in the future but maybe stay civil because they're on your course.

It must have been a worrying experience but learn from it & don't depend on them at all in the future.

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:40

Nah that's not me. I'm usually the sensible one (impossible to tell from this, I know). I never lose stuff, always pay my way, don't rely on people to bail me out.

I hate staying over at mates' because I feel awkward about it, to the point where my other group of friends are always inviting me round and insisting it's not too much hassle.

But I can see why you would get that idea.

I think the incident with the guy shook me up and I was already upset about the friends running off, so just made some really idiotic choices.

When I told (mate whose house I went to) what happened the next day, her first question was "why didn't you come to ours?!". So I get why you'd think it rude, but we have that kind of relationship (reciprocal).

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 19/04/2016 20:40

Treetop, that's what I was thinking. I mean, even if you've had the offer, who turns up at someone's house at that time of night?

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:43

I would report the guy but I don't have a good description other than that he was African.

OP posts:

CaptainCrunch · 19/04/2016 20:44

It wasn't very nice of them leaving when you were still in the toilet but judging from the bizarre actions you subsequently took it's quite possible you were behaving weirdly all evening or spent a ridiculous amount of time in the bathroom and they got fed up waiting.

They certainly can't be held responsible for all the other stuff that happened to you.

Original poster

bananamilk · 19/04/2016 20:46

That's quite a leap to make from what I've said, I think. I'd only had a couple of drinks and wasn't "behaving weirdly all evening".

OP posts:

CaptainCrunch · 19/04/2016 20:47

I said it was "quite possible" based on your very poor decision making afterwards.

YourLeftElbow · 19/04/2016 20:49

I think they sound like arsehats, but what happened after they left was in no way their fault as it's your responsibility to make sure you can get home. I wonder whether they realised that you'd missed the last train- maybe the reiterating that they were crashing together was a reminder that you'd better get your skates on to the station- and then they did the cowardly thing and ran because they didn't want the responsibility of looking after you.
(I'm sorry if that sounds mean- I don't mean to be- I would have done similar silly things when I was younger.)

BreakfastLunchPasta · 19/04/2016 20:50

Yanbu. They are not good friends, and yes - the one asking for your PC is a user.

I would never leave a friend on their own without making sure they were OK getting home after a night at the pub. Friends look out for each other.

Looly71 · 19/04/2016 20:57

If a friend knocked my door late at night because they were stranded 11 miles from home I would definitely let them stay. Any good friend would do that surely so I'm not sure why OP is being criticised for that.

Potatoface2 · 19/04/2016 21:15

Where you drunk....sounds to me like you were as your story sound bizarre....i think you put yourself in danger....you said your friends were drunk....sounds like they didnt act sensibly either.

Ameliablue · 19/04/2016 21:33

Well it sounds pretty mean they couldn't have foreseen your circumstances though.
Are you a member of a student's union? For future reference, It might be worth checking if your union has an arrangement with taxi firms. Some will charge the union for a student's fare, keeping your student card, then you can pay the union back to get your card back. Alternatively check if your town has student help zones, which should also help get you access to a phone if you are caught out.

Thisismyfirsttime · 19/04/2016 21:38

If you didn't have the money to get home in the taxi you hailed how were you going to pay for the cab you were going to order with their phones? And why did the second friend not answer the door and then say you should have gone there?
Don't be good friends with them anymore OP, and it does sound a bit like you were hoping to stay anyway. If not make sure in future you can make your own way home, leave early enough to catch the last train and if you think you might miss it keep cash back to get home! The last train could always be cancelled or something anyway.

Thissameearth · 19/04/2016 22:17

In the abstract, yip Someone I was on same course as and had been drinking with I would like to think id say bye and check ok for the station. If I didn't like them and thought they would try and stay with and I was drunk and using drunk logic....hmm. Does M and F mean male and female? Are they a couple? In any event You said one of them keep making it clear you weren't staying with them. That's a bit weird and offish and would make me feel a bit of a dick so I would probs have finished my drink and headed home. To stay until closing time in those circs I don't really understand. Esp when you stay 11 miles away and need to get last train. and if you have enough battery to text to say you needed to borrow a phone and then to use google maps then have enough battery to just call. Are you sure you're being honest with yourself about what you wanted from the night? Were you planning to go home? Are you interested in M? Were you maybe quite wasted given the erratic choices of not using pub phone, wandering about alone and getting in/out taxis? Ive been there in my time so not judging but it's a good idea to look at what you're doing and see if you want to "screw the nut" a wee bit. Anyway yeah I'd stick to being civil as they are on your course but otherwise I'd back off and stick with people I knew liked me and that I could feel comfortable with and look out for each other.

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