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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I had to cancel this?

103 replies

lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 19:08

I have to change a social arrangement with a friend tomorrow night. I have been asked to do overtime as a matter of urgency (3 out of team of 6 off sick for rest of week).y

My friend doesn't have a mobile. I've left a message on her home phone but I know she normally spends Monday nights with her partner. I dont have his number. She is retired so there is no work number.

Worst case, if she doesn't hear the message, she will be waiting at the pub tomorrow night and have to ring me to find out it's off. I will actually be helping with some meetings so might not even be able to take the call. She will have travelled from Essex to central London, though she does usually do other stuff in the day when she comes in to meet friends.

But I dont think I have any other options? No email, no mobile - there isn't anything more I can do is there? I can't really call a very busy pub and ask them to look for a woman matching her description....! Well I could, but it seems unfair to the staff.

If she says I should have turned down the overtime I will be annoyed. I told my boss yes today and I've been trying to call the friend ever since. I guess the AIBU is, should I have waited to speak to my friend but I don't think that would have been right.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 20/04/2016 18:38

There could be many reasons why someone doesn't own a mobile - can't read, can't afford, useless with technology, interference with hearing aids....

steff13 · 20/04/2016 18:48

There are probably lots of legitimate reasons why someone doesn't have a cell phone, or an email address, or a FB page, etc. However, those people can't really complain when their friends can't reach them, either.

MatildaTheCat · 20/04/2016 18:57

At this point she is being pretty unreasonable, getting someone to actually track her down in the pub surely demonstrates what lengths you'd gone to? If you do want to carry on the friendship why not send her a card in the proper post apologising for the mix up and suggest another date. Reiterate that you were pretty much left with no choice but to work. By now she's heard all your voicemail messages so knows you really did try.

Hopefully she will wake up and offer some other method of communication.

MunchMunch · 20/04/2016 18:59

36 hours was plenty of notice - not your fault she didn't go home and check to see if she had any messages or ring you to confirm.

That was nice of your colleague to go and meet your friend for you.

Original poster
lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 19:00

My mum only recently got a mobile but she would always check landline messages before setting off even for a ten minute drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 19:06

Matilda I think she didn't listen to the messages, hence her saying to me that she thought I'd taken the extra work for pay. I don't think there was a mix up to apologise for I'm afraid. I have apologised profusely on the phone but I'm feeling like I've done enough.

Yes my colleague is a star. His wife gave me a knitted bunny on my 40th! They're sweet.

OP posts:
TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 20/04/2016 19:10

Way overthinking the whole thing. If you choose to have no mobile, email, FB etc, then you need to check your answer machine at least once a day, otherwise tough shit if you;re waiting on someone.

Herewegoagainfolks · 20/04/2016 19:10

36 hours notice is plenty, you made every effort to reach her.

wheresthel1ght · 20/04/2016 19:14

Being ill is very different to taking overtime though. I am not surprised that she was pissed off. And I said at the start you shouldn't have accepted the overtime when you already knew you would be unable to reach her

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 20/04/2016 19:18

Being ill is very different to taking overtime though. I am not surprised that she was pissed off

No it isn't, from her perspective you are not there. The why is immaterial. And suggesting someone should turn down work because YOU choose to be uncontactable is patently ridiculous.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 20/04/2016 19:19

I don't think you're being entirely reasonable I'm afraid. You made secondary plans without successfully canceling the plans you already had. You were obviously aware that her not getting the message was a very real possibility because you started this thread, but you agreed to work anyway. I'm not saying that I wouldn't cancel the plans in order to work in these circumstances, but if I wasn't able to cancel the plans I wouldn't agree to anything.

MrBensMrs · 20/04/2016 19:19

I think you went above and beyond for someone who clearly thinks people's lives are set in stone and who doesn't take responsibility for her being uncontactable for long periods of time!
Don't feel guilty Flowers

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 20/04/2016 19:20

You made secondary plans without successfully canceling the plans you already had

Again, if a person chooses not to have any means of anyone contacting them, that is on them, not on anyone else.

Original poster
lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 19:25

Where, I didn't "know" she was uncontactable. I rembrred the music thing on Monday night. I accepted the extra work on Minday morning, as I said, we were flapping because of the situation.

I did start as a genuine AIBU but as it's gone along I do think I did the right thing. My boss looks like she's about to drop with tiredness as well so it's good that she wasn't running herself ragged with temps yesterday.

OP posts:
CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 20/04/2016 19:29

wow, sending your colleague with a message shows you as the opposite of flakey - that was above and beyond. Hope the friend calms down and sees that (and then feels silly for going off like that).

I'ld really appreciate the effort to not leave me stood up if someone sent someone with a message in person

Spadequeen · 20/04/2016 19:34

You definitely did the right thing. You work place sounds great as does your colleague and boss.

I think your friend is being unreasonable to have a go at you. You don't come across as flakey at all. You did everything you possibly could to contact her and have apologies several times. Yes I get shes annoyed but if she were a proper friend she will see that its one of those things.

ILikeUranus · 20/04/2016 19:45

Aw, I feel really sorry for her. She came such a long way. I really don't think you should have cancelled 36 hours before with no way of contacting her - she wasn't at home to get the message. Your colleague was kind, he obviously felt terrible for her, you should really have gone rather than him. You go on about it not being the money but that's completely irrelevant, you ditched her to do overtime without telling her. I wouldn't be your friend anymore, in fact I'd assume I wasn't your friend anyway if you did that to me, but it's a shitty way to find out. I can't believe you just stood her up while she waited at a pub 10 minutes away waiting for you.

Original poster
lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 19:53

Uranus, without wanting to out myself, I wasn't sitting at a desk
I was in the thick of the work when I was meant to meet her, I couldn't have answered my mobile either

Again, I didn't know she wouldn't be home to check her messages.

As for long way, yes I think it's a long way
But she came in for shopping and we were having a drink, not dinner, so would have been in pub a couple of hours.

I cba going round in circles explaining myself but I've now decided if you don't check your only means of contact daily then you need to take the consequences! Thanks all.

OP posts:
Theoretician · 20/04/2016 19:59

I went all old fashioned and posted (through the mail, with a stamp and everything), a card telling her I could not make it.

I see the post suggestion didn't help, but I was going to suggest the same.

I read somewhere that before the telephone was invented, someone in the middle of Kent (say) could post a letter at lunch-time making arrangements to meet someone in London for dinner that evening, and the letter would get to the recipient in time. (I did mean telephone, not mobile, we are talking 19th century. The post was much quicker then, because it was the only option.)

LeaLeander · 20/04/2016 20:00

If someone puts herself out of contact for 36 hours in this day and age, she deserves what she gets.

Work situations are far more volatile and unpredictable than they used to be, and someone who doesn't understand that is living in her own little bubble. You did fine, OP.

And her manners leave a LOT to be desired for not being gracious to your friend who went to the pub to update her. She sounds like a rather demanding and self-centered person.

Baboooshka · 20/04/2016 20:04

YADNBU. And I'm old enough to remember life pre-mobile: you always checked your landline messages, especially before setting off to meet someone.

I used to work with an otherwise lovely woman who refused to use mobiles or email. She was very clear that they were a social blight. The result was that the reception desk were always taking messages from her family son1 going to friend's house for dinner, son2's football cancelled, husband working extra shift and we had to print out every single office email for her to read, and sometimes type replies for her. Drove. Me. Crazy.

A competent adult who rejects all modern forms of communication should be trying to minimize inconvenience for those around her, not demanding further efforts.

Original poster
lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 20:04

Theoretician, again, only works if the person is at home? I'd have used DHL if I thought she was home and her machine wasn't working.

Thanks lea and others who understand. I'm never even ten minutes for things, this situation did really bother me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 20:05

*late

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 20/04/2016 20:05

no but if I thought I was meeting someone flakey I might have rung them to check it was still on

This is 99% her fault for being uncontactable.

Spandexpants007 · 20/04/2016 20:06

The thing is, what of you'd been ill and unable to contact her.

Knowing she's uncontactable, the responsibility lies with her to give out boyfriends number