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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I had to cancel this?

103 replies

lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 19:08

I have to change a social arrangement with a friend tomorrow night. I have been asked to do overtime as a matter of urgency (3 out of team of 6 off sick for rest of week).y

My friend doesn't have a mobile. I've left a message on her home phone but I know she normally spends Monday nights with her partner. I dont have his number. She is retired so there is no work number.

Worst case, if she doesn't hear the message, she will be waiting at the pub tomorrow night and have to ring me to find out it's off. I will actually be helping with some meetings so might not even be able to take the call. She will have travelled from Essex to central London, though she does usually do other stuff in the day when she comes in to meet friends.

But I dont think I have any other options? No email, no mobile - there isn't anything more I can do is there? I can't really call a very busy pub and ask them to look for a woman matching her description....! Well I could, but it seems unfair to the staff.

If she says I should have turned down the overtime I will be annoyed. I told my boss yes today and I've been trying to call the friend ever since. I guess the AIBU is, should I have waited to speak to my friend but I don't think that would have been right.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 18/04/2016 20:03

Wonder if anyone here knows her! Shame you can't name her & her location!

bluebrushes · 18/04/2016 20:06

Lor I'm sure she'll check her messages from somewhere during the day/eve.-you'll have left enough by
now!!
You've done all you can. stop guilt tripping yourself

Quook · 18/04/2016 20:11

Any mutual friends?

janes · 18/04/2016 20:12

Maybe it will convince her that she should get a mobile phone!

Homebird8 · 18/04/2016 20:12

Does she have your mobile number? If I were her, travelling all that way I'd call to check the arrangement was still on, especially if I wasn't easily contactable myself. Communication is a two way street.

Crispbutty · 18/04/2016 20:14

any relatives of hers that you could find on facebook?

mumeeee · 18/04/2016 20:15

I'm sorry but I think YABU. You had a commitment so you should have said no to the overtime. I know what it's like to be short staffed and I have worked extra hours. But if I already had a commitment I wouldn't do the extra hours

Original poster
lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 20:17

Looki, once every couple of months is about right.

but not covering tomorrow would have been wrong. She is retired and frankly we can easily make the date again. Dads had pneumonia and my boss didn't blink at giving me time off, not from leave, and I made up my work in my own time.

We were flapping this morning because two of those sick colleagues are really very ill, one in hospital and I just momentarily forgot that this lady wouldn't necessarily be at home, while we ploughed through their messages and emails.

I really never cancel, partly why I'm angsting about it.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/04/2016 20:17

Could also happen if Op was ill or had a family emergency.

Leaving a message should be enough & usually would.

It's just unfortunate that the friend might not be going home tonight/tomorrow morning.

It might not occur to her to check messages remotely.

Original poster
lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 20:18

Sorry can't keep up with thread
No mutual contacts

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 18/04/2016 20:27

I would ask the manager of the pub to look out for her, explaining the situation. So she isn't stranded there indefinitely and could move on.

It's not unfair to the staff or otherwise much of a burdensome request. I am sure most eateries at one time or another have to facilitate communication among patrons.

drspouse · 18/04/2016 20:30

Asking the pub to look for her would be what I'd have done pre-mobiles.

Original poster
lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 20:38

Yes I will have to do that if it gets to that stage
Fingers crossed it doesn't ...

OP posts:
Schmoozer · 18/04/2016 20:44

Good idea about contacting venue to look out for her, I'm guessing you work in healthcare OP, and it is a big deal to turn down overtime when it leaves the shift in dire straits, it's not like being offered extra shift / money, it's like being asked to keep things ticking over when that is jeopardised ??

Quook · 18/04/2016 20:44

I think it's ok to ask the pub if they would mind looking out for her. They can say no if they want.

Alexa444 · 18/04/2016 23:14

TBF I don't think there is anything much else you CAN do. I HATE when people stand me up and I got really shirty with a friend recently and haven't spoken to her since for waiting until I had paid for a bus (£5.50!) gotten all the way to where we were supposed to meet and then rang to say she wasn't coming. She'd had all day to text me. I then had to make the 40 minute bus ride back home after a half hour wait for it. Basically 2 hours round trip for nothing. But in this case what else can you do? Personally I wouldn't have accepted the OT and cancelled at such short notice but I see why you feel you had to. YANBU. Your friend has made the choice to be virtually uncontactable when she isn't at home and you've made every effort to get in touch. I would just keep trying and if you can't get hold of her that isn't your fault. Hopefully she will check her messages. If she doesn't...well she will in future Grin

Original poster
lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 23:24

Thanks all
To be clear, I won't take pay for this few hours because I owe them a favour
So it's not that I am going for the money

I'm trying to spare them the cost and hassle of two agency staff, we haven't used an agency for years so it isn't like there's anyone around who knows us

i will ring the pub but having mulled it over, I think if she turns up without checking her messages she does need to take that responsibility in fact. Other posters have said what happens if I'm ill or something, good point. It's not like I've just blithely arranged to do extra hours to get extra pay without giving her any warning, that would be a bit different.

Dad's hospital admission is another case in point, I had a friend due to stay with me that weekend and I just had to go, but I reached her within an hour as she has a mobile and work number.

OP posts:
UpsiLondoes · 19/04/2016 00:19

As someone who grew up in an era before answering machines, mobiles and email, I can confidently tell you that we bloody rang each other up on our landlines night before we trekked down to town for a pint at the pub. If she can't be arsed to check her answering machine - then it's her fault for wasting her time coming to see the OP.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 19/04/2016 00:26

If she wants to live in the 80s that's up to her. There are a myriad reasons for people not telling you they won't be there at short notice. Then, we sucked it up or double checked.
You've tried but an emergency at work happens to everyone and that's what pays the bills.

Brokenbiscuit · 19/04/2016 00:44

You sound like a team player, OP. I'm sure that your boss was more than happy to give you the time off for your dad when he was ill, because you understand that it's all about give and take. As a manager, I'm hugely grateful to those employees who will do a bit extra to get us out of a tight spot. They're worth their weight in gold.

Your friend chooses not to have a mobile or use e-mail. If you've left a message and she doesn't pick it up, that's not really your fault. You've give her adequate notice.

RealityCheque · 19/04/2016 00:59

No pay for OT when the alternative would be to pay two expensive agency staff.

Fuck that.

mumeeee · 19/04/2016 10:10

Reading again about why your doing overtime I think I would probably have done it in those circumstances. However you should still be paid for it. You will still be saving your boss money as I'm sure your pay is much less than an agency would charge

Original poster
lorelei9here · 19/04/2016 10:35

oh my boss will be asking for an OT form, she will fully expect to pay me. I just don't think it's necessary after what she did for me. More importantly, I would no way risk standing someone up for the extra pay. The point is, to help out in this situation.

no word from my friend Sad

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 19/04/2016 10:49

YANBU. You've done your best. She's had 20 years to get her head round the concept of a cellular telephone, and if she hasn't wanted to- then that's her choice.

Also, I have no idea what job you do- but I do appreciate from my own previous job that not everybody works in a field or with a client base where it's ethically acceptable to leave the place without experienced staff.

looki · 19/04/2016 14:36

OP there isn't much you can do now. You have certainly tried. At least your friend was going into the city anyway so though it means she will be going home later than she otherwise would, it won't be a complete wasted journey.

This can't be the first time this has happened to her if she doesn't confirm relatively close to the date.

I've often thought life would be so much simpler and less stressful without mobiles. However there are many downfalls as this thread has shown.