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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I insensitive

34 replies

mirroredlife21 · 18/04/2016 11:24

I have fallen out with a friend and im not sure if it's my fault or not. I am having issues with people talking about how ex dp and I share custody of ds who is nine. It works well for us and we are happy with the arrangements, pretty much 50/50 between us both.
Recently I have had someone say that he can't believe I don't have him full time and I'm a lazy mother because I don't have him all the time. I was pretty upset. I spoke to a friend about it, just venting basically. She was very off with me just kind of mumbling along the lines of 'oh that's horrible' I changed the subject because she seemed bothered by it. By the time I got home I had a huge long text from her along the lines of she agreed with other person, and couldn't believe how insensitive I was to talk to her about it because she had a miscarriage two years ago and she would give anything to spend everyday with that baby and she can't and I'm selfish to even bring the subject up with her.
I have had several Miscarriages, I know how heartbreaking it is, but I wouldn't stop my friends from talking about their dc. We've now fallen out because I said I didn't understand what I did wrong and her husband had had a massive rant at me along the same lines as what she said. Was I need to know if I was actually in the wrong?

OP posts:
whois · 18/04/2016 11:32

Your 'friend' is out of order.

How on earth can people call you insensitive for being part of a shared parenting arrangement?

Unless you are getting rid of your son to a hopeless father whilst you smoke crack and drink gin... 50/50 has got to be the ideal to aim for? A good relationship with each?

Also WTF do miscarriages have to do with custody arrangements??

Original poster
mirroredlife21 · 18/04/2016 11:34

She gets very upset whenever babies are mentioned around her. But ds is 9, I thought that would be ok Confused
Me and ex are very happy with our arrangement and it works really well for us, I was just sick of people butting in and needed to vent, I think I chose the wrong person to vent to.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 18/04/2016 11:34

Nope definitely their issue not yours

NoCapes · 18/04/2016 11:36

Wow she has major ishoos
Ignore, you've done nothing wrong

Somerville · 18/04/2016 11:38

It's very sad for your friend that she's still that affected by loss two years on. Makes me wonder if she has PTSD or something. Is she getting plenty of emotional support? Perhaps she needs counselling.

(Is she worse lately; is it near a 2 year anniversary?)

And no, YANBU. But she's not in a place to be a friend to you right now. If she has been in the past, then try to support her but not open up to her for now.

MrsChrisPratt · 18/04/2016 11:40

God, coming from someone in the midst of infertility (quite literally, am waiting to see if my third ivf has worked) YANBU. Your friend needs to get a grip. Unfortunately shit happens, and other people's lives go on. You have to deal with it or you'll turn bitter and lose all your friends, making a horrible situation much much worse.

And, it sounds like you are doing the best for your son Flowers

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 18/04/2016 11:40

YANBU at all- your friend is out of order. If that was the case, no parent can moan EVER about anything as its insensitive to anyone that's ever suffered a miscarriage? Yes, it must be an awful experience to go through but it doesn't mean that anyone else's negative experiences of child rearing aren't valid.

Also in regards to the custody arrangement, surely that's the aim for most parents who are separated? Anyone kicking off at you for being a bad mother should then be saying the same to him? Outdated and sexist view in my opinion. Ignore them.

Original poster
mirroredlife21 · 18/04/2016 11:41

Not near the anniversary no, it was around November time. I have been there for her a lot. I was there for her when it happened, I always sit and listen to her problems (her life is very dramatic I guess to an outsider, there's always a lot going on) I'm quite a quiet person so I don't usually rant about much, but this really upset me But I didn't really think through that it might upset her.

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 18/04/2016 11:44

I think it's your friend that is being U
She can't honestly expect a friendship to survive if you can't mention your dc

If I was you I'd distance myself from this

dizzytomato · 18/04/2016 11:45

I wouldn't say anything to her because it sounds like she has a lot of personal problems. But why does the mother have the right to spend everyday with the baby, doesn't she think fathers feel the same way? Or are men not able to love their child as much? Very stupid and she's not looking at the situation from your perspective, your child's or your ex's. She's making it all about her.

Choceeclair123 · 18/04/2016 11:49

It's definitely her not you. It's all about her!!

Pinkheart5915 · 18/04/2016 11:50

You are not in the wrong

I think as long as the child is happy there is nothing wrong with 50/50 custody, Who is your "friend" to judge anyway.

Yes it's sad about her miscarriage I had a stillbirth a few years ago but in life bad things happen you have to move on from them. I wonder if she needs some counselling.

Some Flowers for you

Somerville · 18/04/2016 11:51

If she's always been a drama llama who never offers you any support in return then I'd be wondering if it really is a friendship?

I always admire parent's who manage to make to 50/50 thing work, when it's in the best interests of their child. Well done.

shutupandshop · 18/04/2016 11:53

Your friend is being ridiculious. If you, ds and ex happy with arrangement thats all that matters. Would people be saying the same thing about a father? No thought not.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 18/04/2016 11:57

Your friend is being unreasonable. I can't even begin to imagine how emotionally draining miscarriages are, but it doesn't excuse her being like that with you.

SleepyBoBo · 18/04/2016 12:08

It's a great thing that you and your ex can co-parent like this - never doubt yourself, you're doing the best thing for your son. Your friend has obviously had difficult times, but that is no excuse for the way she spoke to you. She has to realise not everything is about her, or take personal offence to other people's situations otherwise she will end up quite friendless. Support works both ways in friendship, if she cannot do so through your worries and self-doubt, then you don't owe her anything in return (certainly not after this!).

AugustaFinkNottle · 18/04/2016 12:12

I must say, I'm wondering about your friends' lives if they think any mother who does not look after her child 100% of the time without the fathers having a look-in are lazy. In your shoes I'd be telling at least the first person you spoke to that his or her attitudes are around 100 years out of date. You're probably best disengaging with the second on this topic, she really needs help if two years after a miscarriage she can't cope with people talking about 9 year olds.

angielou123 · 18/04/2016 12:13

And these people are meant to be your friends? Sounds like it's time for some new ones.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/04/2016 12:15

Yes she's out of order but, she's probably just having a down day and feeling a bit melhoncoly. It's allowed I suppose. However that's in her defence.
But you also have a defence. As upsetting as her MC was for her. It's also not your fault. It's unrealistic for her to expect people never to mention their children around her.

chunkymum1 · 18/04/2016 12:16

I wonder if the people who make negative comments about your 50:50 arrangement stop to consider the wishes/needs for your DC and your ExP? Or is the assumption that dad's don't also want time with their DC and DC don't need their dads? Personally I think that there is no one size fits all best approach to parenting when the parents are not together but 50:50 sounds like a good start (as some others have said- unless you're sitting at home drinking gin whilst DC are with an unsuitable father, which I doubt).
I wonder if some of those who think it's OK to pass comment/judgement are secretly a bit jealous? I love my DC and DH very much and know that I'd hate not to have them living with me but there have been times where I have had a little bit of envy for friends who co-parent and have regular guilt free weekends alone/away with the girls etc.

Lovewineandchocs · 18/04/2016 12:35

She is being completely out of order, making it all about her. Was she there for you during your miscarriages? Maybe she needs some counselling as this is now 2 years on-perhaps she is having difficulty trying to conceive again? In any case, she shouldn't be having a go at you for being upset that some idiot had criticised your parenting arrangements. Her husband certainly shouldn't have had a rant at you, I'd be telling him to fuck right off, in no uncertain terms.

Flowers to you and I hope the rest of your friends are more enlightened 😀

Janecc · 18/04/2016 13:14

Sounds like he's a great dad, you're a great mum and congratulations on you both being able to work out a suitable arrangement for the three of you. Does this woman have children? If she doesn't then she will find it difficult to relate and probably understandably be very jealous. In any case she could probably do with counselling and what she said was about her, not you. As for the people at school. Whose business is it of theirs as long as you have a happy, well balanced child, everything's fine.

oldlaundbooth · 18/04/2016 13:17

In Canada, custody is always 50/50, unless the parent is a drug addict /alcoholic. One week with mum, one with dad.

It seems to be the best way : better than 95/5 like seems to be the norm in the UK.

Sandsnake · 18/04/2016 13:18

YANBU, absolutely.

I may sound like an insensitive cow here but it sounds like your friend might just not be a hugely nice person. Her miscarriage is obviously very sad, but it absolutely doesn't give her carte blanche to treat people like she has treated you. I don't think that you would be unreasonable if you decided to call it a day on the friendship (although sounds that may be happening anyway).

Flowers for your losses, by the way.

Owllady · 18/04/2016 13:19

It's none of their bloody business Angry