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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's will AIBU?

31 replies

fj3568 · 17/04/2016 23:16

DP and I have been together for 8 years and live together. We live in my house with my DD and his home is rented out. He has a grown son who lives in Ireland from a college relationship. They have minimal contact and meet about once a year when DP visits his parents. DP's son only contacts him when he needs money. They are not close e.g D P only learned son was engaged through Facebook ( a week after he'd called looking for money which DP duly sent) and doesn't expect we will be invited to the wedding. DP and I intend retiring together living in my home in about 8 years. . It's my view that our assets should pass to one another if one of us dies and then to our dependant's ( my DD AND DP's son) after the surviving partner passes. However DP is in the course of drafting his will to leave his house to his son and his pension to his sister. He says I don't need the money but if anything happened to him ( besides being devastated - obs) my comfortable retirement would be affected. AIBU to think we should look after one another first and both our children afterwards and that a sister should merit some benefit in a will but not at the expense of your partner? no desire to rob DP's son of his birthright I just think couples should share their assets and leave money to others afterwards.

OP posts:
ifiseeonemoresock · 17/04/2016 23:18

It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to leave something to his son but I would expect him to also leave something to you! It sounds like he is leaving you nothing?

Allalonenow · 17/04/2016 23:25

Are your finances combined at present, for instance, do you benefit from the rental income from his house, do you have joint savings, does he contribute fairly to the household outgoings?

NNalreadyinuse · 17/04/2016 23:26

Not sure on this. As a parent I think your first obligation is to protect your children's inheritance if the children are yours alone and not from the relationship. This is because you cannot always trust a partner to pass on your assets to your dc - they could remarry and leave your money to their new spouse and your kids would have nothing.
Pensions should go to the surviving partner imo because as a couple you factor these into your retirement plans and it would help leave the person you love in a secure position.

There is no one size fits all approach to this as so much depends on the financial situations of each partner but I do think this has highlighted a fundamental difference in how you are both viewing your relationship. You are seeing him as a true partner and he appears not to view you the same way. His estranged son is his priority and you are not.

With this in mind, I would make sure my assets were firmly left to my own dc and if I died first I would want my dc ree to benefit from my assets immediately and so I wouldn't be giving him the right to remain in my house, while still benefitting financially from his own. Your dd is the one who will lose out if you dont tie that up properly.

Original poster
fj3568 · 17/04/2016 23:26

He will provide something for me too I' m genuinely not sure if I am unreasonable to think we should share our assets as a couple.

OP posts:
Purplepicnic · 17/04/2016 23:26

You can't dictate the terms of someone else's will. What belongs to him is his to dispose of as he wishes.

Knowing what you know might affect how you draw up your will but that's the only control you have.

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2016 23:31

You've got to think carefully about this, if you were both in an accident and you died first, then him, your DD would get nothing.

As said, he doesn't think of you as a true partner, he's fine to prioritise his Son, but not his Sister, above you.

I doubt that he'd prioritise your DD, if he was to survive you.

Are your finances totally fair at the moment?

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2016 23:35

Why don't you each take out life assurance for the other, then leave your house etc to your children?

What if you left your house to your partner, then he remarried and left it to her? What about your child?

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 17/04/2016 23:36

He has no way of knowing that you would see his son right if you outlive him. You could leave everything to your DD. If you were living in his house then a codicil(?) saying you had tenancy rights until death, but you are living in your house. Surprised about the pension though, is his sister broke? What does your own will say?

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2016 23:37

I've just re-read this and am really shocked you'd disinherit your daughter for a man you've only known eight years.

SanityAssassin · 17/04/2016 23:37

Well I would make sure that your Will left your house to your DD. If you don't intend to marry make sure you at least protect that for her.

Original poster
fj3568 · 17/04/2016 23:39

I've been waiting to see what he does before adjusting my own will which was written before we lived together. At the moment he will receive my insurance and pension but my DD is my main beneficiary. The arrangement leaves him vulnerable too as he'd have to move out of our home if anything happened me.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 17/04/2016 23:41

a man you've only known 8 years

That's quite a long time really.

Original poster
fj3568 · 17/04/2016 23:44

Would only leave house to DP if possible to stipulate it goes to DD afterwards. I suppose my issue is mostly around the relationship between DP and his son.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidtsSmile · 17/04/2016 23:45

Well, he'd move into his home that's currently rented out presumably.
Or you leave house to your DD but with caveat that he can continue to live in it in his lifetime.
But if you are leaving him insurance and pension rather than to your siblings(if you have siblings) then I agree, it is rather one-sided.
Most couples have mirror wills. Problem is, if you leave everything to a partner, their stepchild (your DD) can get royally shafted when the surviving spouse updates their will in favour of their own, blood being thicker than water Hmm

Original poster
fj3568 · 17/04/2016 23:46

No we don't have joint accounts but he contributes generously to the household expenses.

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 23:50

Look at what's happened to Lynda Bellingham's children and I've read stories of similar on here. I wouldn't go for a mutual will if I were you, you leave to your DD, he leaves to his DS.

You seem a bit judgey of the DS and its not your place. Men can be crap at the emotional intimacy of a relationship esp when the Mum i no longer facilitating it.

UsernameIncorrect · 17/04/2016 23:53

You don't trump his son.
You do trump his sister.

Your DD doesn't trump his DS, they are equal.

HeddaGarbled · 17/04/2016 23:57

It sounds to me like both of you will be fine financially whichever of you dies first because you both have independent income and properties. So, I actually think it is the right thing to do to leave the bulk of your estates to your respective children.

If one of you were financially dependent upon the other, this wouldn't be fair or reasonable, but you aren't.

It's pretty clear that you feel that you have no obligation to your partner's son and that you would not make any provision for him if your partner left his estate to you. I suspect he realises this and is making sure you will not be able to cut his son off without a penny. This works both ways. If you leave everything to your partner, you can't stop him from cutting out your daughter.

The thing I do think is unreasonable is him having nominated his sister as the beneficiary of his pension. Is she particularly hard up and in need of this? It seems unfair for him to be the beneficiary of your life insurance and pension but you not to be the beneficiary of his.

lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 00:02

I think it's fine
It's very sensible really
You are both okay without inheriting from the other so I can see the sense to this.

I didn't live with my last partner but tbh I wouldn't have changed my will if I had. On the basis of "what if I got hit by a bus tomorrow" I would be giving a lot to my sister too. She's been there for me the whole of my life.

Original poster
fj3568 · 18/04/2016 00:03

His sister has been hard up in the past and he's supported her financially at times but she's got a good job, home and DP now. Does sound a bit judgey on DP's son. He's lovely actually. Answers helpful probably best to provide for respective children ourselves and not worry too much about sister either.

OP posts:
lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 00:03

PS one reason I didn't want to get married was that a partner wouldn't be right for me as next of kin, I'd want my sister.

Original poster
fj3568 · 18/04/2016 00:05

OMG just read the Lynda Bellingham story - what a jerk!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 18/04/2016 00:08

"DP is in the course of drafting his will to leave his house to his son and his pension to his sister."

It is very telling that he feels no obligation or desire to provide for you financially at all. It's understandable that he should want to leave most of his assets to his son, but not that he should choose his sister over you.

However, I think you are being very naive in your assumptions about the wills and how they should be drawn up. If a couple is married and has children together (none from previous relationships) it makes sense to leave money to each other and then children. But you're not married and you each have a child from previous relationships, which means that legally and morally your first obligation is to your own children and not to each other. He clearly doesn't see you or your DD as part of his family, so don't expect him to pass anything on to her if you leave it to him!

I advise you to leave everything to your DD. Including your house that he lives in. He owns his own property so he could easily give his tenant notice and move back in there. In the meantime he could probably stay with his sister, right?! That's the least she could do given that he's leaving her his pension!

I hope you don't have joint accounts or finances and all the bills and expense are split fairly between you. That is, paid in proportion to earnings/income (eg if one partner earns twice as much as the other, they pay twice as much towards bills and expenses).

I would also be thinking about other indicators of his attitude and commitment to the relationship and asking myself some searching questions about whether he has failed to show commitment or generosity in other ways.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 00:14

You're foolish not to leave everything to your DD.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 18/04/2016 00:23

I'd take exception to the pension passing to his sister, though beyond talking to him there's not much you can do.

That said, I actually agree with his stance on passing the house to his son and believe you should do the same for your DD.

You built up these assets independently of each other and don't have shared children. You don't appear to share finances or assets currently. To merge all of those assets after one of your deaths seems to me to be giving to your DP more in death than either of you have been comfortable with in life.

I may be biased because of the arrangement I know my DM has in place. She and her DP both have children but none together and her DP lives in her house. They both intend to pass the majority to their own children. Her DH is a wonderful man and I'd never allow him to be put in a position where he had to leave his home of 9 years after losing his wife.

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