AIBU to ask dh to look after his kids one day a week?

[caitlinohara]

Dh works full time and we have 3 dc's, the youngest of whom is 4. I have mostly been a SAHM but have also worked part time at times. Because of the nature of dh's job (involves travel and unpredictable hours) I can't go out to work. He has always acknowledged this and has always said he appreciates that he doesn't have to worry about who's going to pick up the kids, what happens when they are ill, etc etc.

In the last year I have been studying something which would mean ultimately that I could work from home. I use the 15 hours of nursery care to study, and we agreed that I could have Sunday daytimes as well, i.e. dh would look after the kids while I worked.

The problem is that week in week out these Sundays are a nightmare. Dh gets in a huff right from breakfast on Sunday morning and complains about every little thing, so that by the time I go up to start work everyone is already in a bad mood. I am trying to work and I can hear arguing and crying and all sorts. He complains if there isn't enough food in for lunch (shop is round the corner) and behaves generally as if the whole thing is just a drag. Final straw came today when he burst in, having taken them to the park and ds2 had lost a rucksack with dh's phone and wallet in. He was almost incoherent with panic and dumped the kids and rushed out again to look for it. I then had to deal with two hysterically crying children, ds2 weeping and saying "it's all my fault" and ds3 was crying because he had been scared by dh's handling of it. It was awful.

What do I do? I can't face another Sunday like this and it's not fair on the children. It's not that he won't look after them, it's just that when he does, it ends up like this.

I see that your DH get upset even from breakfast so you obviously need to leave home early and eat elsewhere .

If I were you , I would get up before everyone else and go to the gym, then shower and have breakfast there . That will give your DH peace and quiet to do the morning routine . And exercise will help you study better .

If he has trouble remembering what to buy at the shops, you could leave out a pen and paper for him to write his shopping list. Or show him how to do an online supermarket order and he can get it delivered on a Sunday . Or help him download an app to make a note of his requirements and he can Pop out to the shops in his lunch hour on Friday .

I disagree with posters who think the DH is doing it on purpose. I mean, it's possible, but I think it's more likely that he agreed in good faith and he's finding it more difficult than he expected. Which is not surprising - I certainly found being a SAHM much harder than I expected! He's spent all this time with the assumption that what he does at work all day is the difficult but, while you're having a nice time at home with the kids, and now he's having to challenge this assumption.

I don't think you necessarily need to have a big conversation about it. Just carry on doing it (agree with the idea of going to a cafe to work) and he'll start getting the hang of it.

I think you have a point, Dellarobia, but even so- if he found a work task more difficult than expected would he moan at clients like that? Or at his boss? He moans at home because he can.

I would be prepared to bet there have been times when the OP has probably at times found parenting more challenging than expected but she has probably tried to deal with it in the brisker, more practical way that one would associate with ... well with professionalism. And that is what he needs to do.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion.

First, you need to call it for what it is: he does not enjoy being with his DC. It's not the odd frustration, he hates it from breakfast.

Both you and he need to acknowledge they this is a problematic state of affairs. How will he look back on this? How will DC look back on it?

On the assumption that he's not a complete twat who doesn't care, he will want to rectify things.

So then you can move on to practicalities. What will make the day easier/ more enjoyable? What can he do ( not you) to change things up?

He needs to reset here.

I think you've had some really good advice from stickystick. I don't agree that he's doing it deliberately, parenting is hard and as the primary carer for 2 under 2 I forget oh no poo everywhere, post more later...

I would get my day started before they get up. Get yourself ready and go out. Library/cafe/wherever so you can study in peace. And leave them to it.

P0p0

Sorry typo go out and leave him to it

Firstly. He's the adult so he's responsible for his wallet and phone. Ds deserves a big apology - as do all of your children. So yes, you do need to talk to your husband about this. When my dh overreacts, I talk to him, say he overreacted and should apologise. When I started using this approach, he got very uppity and refused. So I apologised for him. Saying something when dh is around like "what daddy said was not kind and he is struggling to say sorry. Im really sorry that you're sad and that daddy is struggling. Maybe he'll say sorry another time". This non threatening action worked - and I dont do the dirty looks thing. He's a lot better these days at saying sorry, as am I. Neither dh nor I were taught how to say sorry properly as children and we are both learning.
As for his behaviour. Yes, it sounds as if you have a fourth child there. But pointing that out or running out of the house is not going to solve your issues. I agree with what stickystick said.

He is their dad. You have a 4yr who I assume will be starting school in sept and 2 older ones

Not a tiny baby that needs constant care

Dh moans as he can and as you are there

Go out and study - whether library - Starbucks etc - just don't tell him where and he will cope

Or learn to cope as no choice

I really, really appreciate everyone's advice here, thank you. You have made me determined to find a way to do this, which is not where I was at yesterday - I was seriously thinking of giving up on the Sunday studying and I can see now that that would be a mistake, whether his behaviour is deliberate or not (I don't think it is consciously deliberate, if that makes sense).

I told him straight this morning that he needed to apologise properly to all three children and if he couldn't do that with good grace, he needed to leave for work before they got up, and that we needed to talk about it seriously later. He did apologise to them but carried on moaning to me about his £600 phone that wasn't insured , how his reaction was completely understandable etc etc. I have done some good damage limitation with ds2 and am trying to think of ways to give him some responsibility for things so that he doesn't get the idea in his head that he is careless.

I hear you all about the finding somewhere else to work thing but I'm not sure this is practical given where we live and the 2 dozen reference books I constantly need to refer to! We have an office upstairs and a PLAY ROOM fgs downstairs, so there really shouldn't be any need for me to leave the house to get some peace. Fwiw, dh DOES work from home sometimes, recently 2 days of the Easter holidays, and surprise surprise, he was able to do so in peace with meals provided, so it's not impossible.

GetahaircutCarl You are spot on, and that's the line I will take. His own father was the same I think (I won't mention that though!).

If you can't get to the library you could try what I used to do. I put all my books in the car, drive out to some pretty secluded spot, with a thermos of tea and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

This wasn't just to get away from dh and DD it also took me away from other household distractions.

I hope you asked him what the hell he thought he was doing giving an uninsured £600 phone to a child to look after.

Is he such an incompetent drama queen at work or does he somehow manage to get through the day without all that fuss?
I would sit down with him and tell him that his blatant tactics won't work, you're not going to stop doing what you need to do and he needs to stop treating his own children as an inconvenience who he doesn't want to spend time with.

When the kids were little, and I had 3 under 3 I took driving lessons (dh doesn't drive). Dh used to look after them while I went off for two hours on Saturday or Sunday. I was SAHM and he worked fulltime in the week. To start with I arranged for a teenage girl to come and help him during those two hours as he felt he couldn't cope with two babies and a toddler. It only took 1 session for him to feel how ridiculous it was that he couldn't cope, and he realised he was fine looking after them by himself. He had a great time with them, but it was only because I actually left the house He is very good looking after them but he realised he needed to do it on his terms, so his food, his arrangements, his outing, rather than me sorting it out for him. If he is relying on you to set things up for him, that isn't really looking after them. You need to know he is not going to say, where are their clothes, what's for lunch, why isn't x done. It is a window, and he should observe that window.

Why not sit down with him, when you are in a good mood, and think of ways things could run more smoothly. Ie: pizzas in freezer? Simple plan for entertaining them that is stress free? It may take him a while to work out how to cope, give him benefit of doubt for a a while, as long as he is committed to improving. His recognising that your work is actually IMPORTANT not something that he should resent as impinging on his free time.

well then maybe he needs to take THEM out somewhere for three hours, surelyre is somewhere that will do the trick, walk, sandwiches. It is up to him to organise it, that is his responsibility if he cannot manage it at home. Tbf if I ever needed to get on with something in the house I always made dh take the kids away, unless there was one that could entertain themselves, who was welcome to stay put.

Incompetence as a father is such an unattractive trait.

Don't give up your Sunday studies op that's very unfair.

I currently work weekends and my dh works long hours during the week but he willingly looks after the dc every weekend with no fuss or drama even though he is knackered from work and I'm sure would love some time to himself.

He doesn't ever guilt trip me, he fully supports me and we work as a team. Your dh needs to man up.

Why the hell didn't he take responsibility for looking after his own phone?

Given that you have an out-of -the-way study space and a lot of reference books, perhaps noise- cancelling headphones are the way forward?

I don't know where you live but often zoos, aquariums, small theme parks or small, soft play places and many more besides offer annual passes. Some if them like even upgrade to annual passes for the price of a single ticket. Perhaps he could get a couple of these to places and take the kids out to places with a packed lunch. Assuming he can drive, would he go for this?

Hi Caitlin. I have been in your DH's position and would like to offer you some hope that if you can get your DH to talk to you sensibly about this and make a few adjustments this can work. DH was a SAHD and studying for a career change- like you we used nursery time and Sundays as study time. We also had a few problems in the early days. The DC were used to Dad being the one to run to if they wanted anything and he was the one who knew where everything was in the house etc. Dc would play me up (refusing to get dressed without dad, misbehaving if I had to take them to a shop, running to dad if I turned my back to make lunch etc)- I suspect because they sensed the tension. Added to which I was stressed with work and tired from long hours. The result was that Sundays often ended in arguments and tears from all concerned (DC about why Dad was trying to ignore them, DH about how much work he had to do and why couldn't I just deal with the children, me because I felt stressed and useless because clearly DC wanted dad).

Eventually we decided that DH studying in the same 4 walls as the rest of the family was not going to work. It sounds a bit anal but we drew up a sort of timetable for each Sunday (based on library opening hours/what assignments DH had to complete/how many books he needed to refer to) whereby he would work elsewhere some of the time and I would take DC out part of the time. This helped avoid those situations where we'd return earlier than DH expected/hoped and lost his train of thought etc. It really helped me that DH talked to some of the other SAHPs and found out that some of them were alone with DC on a Sunday so he arranged for me to meet up with them which made a full morning/day out it much less daunting (in fact I made some good friends from this) and meant that we often got invited round to their homes if the weather was bad. Some top tips I got were- Sunday morning children's cinema (cheap tickets, slightly older films but everyone has DC so no-one minds if the small ones run around or make noise), moving children's hobbies to Sundays (eg swimming lessons/sports clubs), over night Saturday/Sunday visits to granny for me and DC when DH had assignment deadlines so he had extra time but we didn't need to try to stay out too long.

Fingers crossed for you- it will be worth it in the end

Great post chunkymum1

One thing he won't have that most SAHPs do have is the network of other parents to grumble to and share things with. It helps you to assess what's normal and sensible for that age group (e.g. most people don't think a small child is the right person to look after an expensive phone).

You could ask if he'd like any advice on handling things better, or whether he'd rather look up suggestions online or in a book. I suspect he thinks looking after children is, erm, child's play, and it's never occurred to him that people put actual thought and effort into it.

Not sure why find my iphone took him miles away

Has he tried the app since?

I agree that in principal you should be able to work from home OP and your DH and DCs go out, but the reality isn't going so well for you is it?

Yes arrangements could be made, timetables drawn up,zoo passes bought, pack lunches made etc. etc., but it all sounds utterly exhausting to try to either coordinate yourself or cajole your DH into doing on a weekly basis.

Far, far easier just to get up, get dressed and remove yourself from the equation even if it's only for the next month or so until he settles into his own routine with them. If you can find a quiet place to go, you'll be amazed how much you can get done in a short period of time. Yes you'll need to bring your books with you and you may need to pay for cups of coffee if a local coffee shop is the only location you can find, but really it's cheap at the price.

I'm sure he'll still find it challenging, but the difference is he'll have to come up with his own solutions. I'd try not to be picky if children are in mis-matched clothing ( personal peeve is when DMs complain about this as if it really mattered) and try to grit your teeth somewhat if their diet/screen time whatever is not what you'd have expected.

I agree with removing yourself from the situation.

Personally I'd switch to Saturdays and go to a lovely quiet library.

He'll work something out. And no, don't pander to him with planning and pizzas and so forth. I'm sure you married an adult who can function perfectly well in the workplace so he can do the same at home.