To have asked the question?

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So. DS is 4 and in reception. He has made friends with another boy in his class - let's call him Bob. Bob has recently been diagnosed with autism and is having support in and out of school to manage this. I speak to his Mum at pick up etc and she has said about his sensory issues and how a lot of the problems Bob experiences are due to being "overly stimulated" and school overwhelms him and then his behaviour suffers. I really feel for the family.

DS is having a party and wants Bob there. The party is at a local soft play - I asked his Mum (when it was just the two of us) if Bob would be ok with it as DS really wants him there and if she felt it would be too full on we'd reconsider the party venue or arrange something for Bob and DS to do alone to make up for it. Bob's Mum was a bit off at the time and said "he should be fine" but was a bit distracted and short.

She has since posted on Facebook about "almost losing her shit with parents who insist on treating Bob so differently and how those parents shouldn't be so narrow minded..."

Have I really got it so wrong? We were all informed of Bob's diagnosis as requested by his Mum and she shares a lot of "Autism Awareness" day things on Facebook. I feel really upset and embarrassed that I've got it so wrong and caused this upset.

She sounds like a dick.

Odd fish.

It is odd. I've decided to let it go, not much I can do about it. He'll still get an invite - balls in her court then isn't it. Thanks all

Her frame of reference is possibly limited to her child.

Your kindness was framed on what you know about Autism in the general population.
It wasn't a glib assumption. You made a kind gesture based on what you know. :)

Dd is friends with a boy with similar attributes.

On his invite I wrote a note saying something like 'Dd would love x to come to the party. He's welcome to come to whichever part will suit him best (or of course all of it would be great too!)- there'll be x activity for the first hour then Y for the second hour. We really hope he can make it'

The parents replied saying thanks and he came for a wee while.

I think what you did was similar. Tbh though I think I would say I'm sorry if I've offended you I really really didn't mean to I just knew ds wanted your ds there as a priority'

Ywnbu.

Poor Bob. If this is how she reacts to thoughtful consideration of his asd, she's going to alienate a lot of the parents/children in the class over the next few years. Ime if anyone acknowledges dds autism it is to use it as an excuse to exclude her ( "I would have invited her BUT- with the autism thing I know she wouldn't like it ") , to imply that she's weird/slow ( "she wouldn't get this type of party so it's a waste") or that she's dangerous ( "I was going to invite her, but with three others to look after I couldn't have coped with her needs too- having to watch her all the time ")

My dad has hfa. People often have no idea as she mirrors so well. If it weren't for the extra school support I'd wish I'd never told anyone. I'd have loved a friend like you in the early years.

If he's recently been diagnosed, then she's probably still struggling to deal with her emotions surrounding her son's diagnosis, feeling as though she wants help, but perhaps a little bit in denial about how it's going to affect their lives. She might have felt relief when he was diagnosed, but now it's hitting her that he will be treated differently (and need to be treated differently) for the rest of his life now.

You are clearly a kind person who is trying to do their best to encourage the friendship between the two boys, but she is dealing with such a huge thing that I can understand how she might be lashing out, feeling defensive or just being unable to really get a handle on her emotions at the moment. I can't imagine that you will hold this blip against her and you sound really understanding so hopefully in time she will come to realise that and feel more able to accept your help and support.

UterusUterusGhali in fairness to OP she didn't base it on the general population, she based it on the mother telling her that he experiences sensory overload and finds school over-stimulating.

Facebook does very few people any favours. Lots of people who seem perfectly nice and normal in RL post all manner of PA vaguebooking shite on their own pages.

Having a child with a diagnosis of something does not mean that she is a saint who behaves impeccably at all hours of day and night. She's just a person like any NT kid's mum.

You did nothing wrong. She was just being a pillock.

She will realise the kindness when she finds that her child just doesn't get as many party and playdates invites, or can't go with his friends as an activity planned will just be 'too much' for him.

Believe you me, as he gets older and the party invitations get less because he 'stands out' more than he currently does in his Foundation class, she will look upon you and wish she had nurtured your friendship.
Other parents are not as kind as you, OP. Being the parent of an ASD child is tough and you were trying to do the right thing.

One of DDs friend's Mums told me her DD had Aspergers when I invited her to DDs parties and that the DD was terrified of balloons!

Lucky she told me! I just didn't have any at the party as a result....a few years later when they were about 8, DD and this little girl... they both attended a party with a magician and he bloody brought out these modelling balloons...

I shot a look at the little girl and she looked at me with this frozen expression...and simply stood up and said "I think I have to go to the Loo now!" and we both went out and had extra sweets while the dreaded balloons were modelled! She was and still is a brilliant kid...who at only 8 had a hold of her condition in such an admirable way.

It's hard for parents of kids with ASD because they don't want to mark their child out as different....some parents just do it...let people know...others are more private...OP just play it all by ear and leave it in her court.xx

I wouldn't bother inviting the child now. Whatever you do will be "wrong" and you won't be able to relax and enjoy the party.

Her loss and also her DS's, sadly. But she really seems to be not worth bothering with and very unpleasant.

The school doesn't overstimulate him; he is overstimulated by school. Not the same thing at all.
You did exactly the right thing about the party.