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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked the question?

65 replies

ReturnoftheWhack · 17/04/2016 12:32

So. DS is 4 and in reception. He has made friends with another boy in his class - let's call him Bob. Bob has recently been diagnosed with autism and is having support in and out of school to manage this. I speak to his Mum at pick up etc and she has said about his sensory issues and how a lot of the problems Bob experiences are due to being "overly stimulated" and school overwhelms him and then his behaviour suffers. I really feel for the family.

DS is having a party and wants Bob there. The party is at a local soft play - I asked his Mum (when it was just the two of us) if Bob would be ok with it as DS really wants him there and if she felt it would be too full on we'd reconsider the party venue or arrange something for Bob and DS to do alone to make up for it. Bob's Mum was a bit off at the time and said "he should be fine" but was a bit distracted and short.

She has since posted on Facebook about "almost losing her shit with parents who insist on treating Bob so differently and how those parents shouldn't be so narrow minded..."

Have I really got it so wrong? We were all informed of Bob's diagnosis as requested by his Mum and she shares a lot of "Autism Awareness" day things on Facebook. I feel really upset and embarrassed that I've got it so wrong and caused this upset.

OP posts:
Princesspeach1980 · 17/04/2016 17:35

The sensory issues are so different for each child though, that it would more unreasonable to assume that all kids with asd either could or couldn't do soft play. Some can and some would struggle. My DS loves soft play, but would struggle with a disco, or anything competitive like party games.

If she really was offended by you, she's going to have to develop a thicker skin because she's going to come across so much worse.

gamerchick · 17/04/2016 17:40

She'll toughen up in time, she doesn't have a choice.

Don't mention it again and just give the invite. The one party invite my son got he had a coat hanger gob for ages and certainly don't beat yourself up, you've done nothing wrong.

EllenJanethickerknickers · 17/04/2016 17:49

No YWNBU. I was delighted when DS2 got any party invites. He didn't get many except for whole class parties, but he loved them. I would say you got his mum on a bad day, or the post has nothing to do with your comment. Alternatively, she could be a pain in the arse, but that's not Bob's fault.

Original poster
ReturnoftheWhack · 17/04/2016 18:46

Thanks everyone, useful comments. To the poster asking what I would have done if she said that it would be too much, I genuinely would have changed the plans. DS isn't really too fussed where he has his party but is really fussed about having Bob there so I guess I would have asked his Mum for advice on where would be more suitable.

OP posts:
DimpleHands · 17/04/2016 21:00

YANBU. My DS has autism and I would have been really touched if someone had shown the kind of consideration you showed. It is a sad fact that a lot of children with autism are not invited to parties at all and the fact you went out of your way to make it clear that he was very much wanted there but to check it would all be OK with him is lovely.

I would very gently mention to the mother when you next see her that you saw the Fb post and just wanted to check it wasn't you that had offended her. No aggressive text like suggested above! No one who hasn't gone through it can realize just how hard it is emotionally to deal with your DC being diagnosed and parents can become very very sensitive and also very angry - sometimes irrationally. It's all part of the process of coming to terms with it. If it was about you, simply give a heartfelt apology.

But rest assured you did nothing wrong!

readytorage · 17/04/2016 21:08

I think you did a lovely thing for the following reasons:

You invited him

You recognised that he has additional needs and asked how you could include him without it being too much for him

You recognised that he is your son's friend and have made sure that your son is happy.

If Bob's mum isn't happy with the points I've listed above then I'd argue she'll never be happy with anyone making provisions for her child. She also strikes me as the kind of person who wouldn't be happy if you didn't make allowances either.

Moral of the story?

You can't win.

Original poster
ReturnoftheWhack · 17/04/2016 21:09

Thank you Dimple, hopefully I'll see her in the morning and can gauge how she is with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReturnoftheWhack · 17/04/2016 21:10

Thanks Ready, just really don't want to insult anyone!

OP posts:
originalmavis · 17/04/2016 21:13

It sounds like someone had done or said something before you spoke to her and she was already upset, hence her distraction. I can't see why your kindness would upset her.

katkit · 17/04/2016 21:15

Yanbu.

greebstreebling · 17/04/2016 21:17

My DS has autism and I would have sobbed at your kindness. That was a nice, thoughtful thing to do. She was probably having an off day. Which happens sometimes. You did a genuinely kind thing.

DixieNormas · 17/04/2016 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 17/04/2016 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Disabrie22 · 17/04/2016 21:37

I'd just invite him to the party and say no more - she may feel differently when she's got over her initial reaction. No matter how angry you feel - using Facebook to vent is immature. After the party though I wouldn't make an effort with her - that's not a good sign.

Original poster
ReturnoftheWhack · 17/04/2016 21:43

Dixie, your post really struck a chord with me. I guess as parents we just all want our children to be accepted and included. I hope your son finds true friends that are excited to include him.

OP posts:
leopardgecko · 17/04/2016 21:48

As a parent of children with autism I applaud you, OP. You handled that so perfectly - I wish I had met parents like you when my children were little. You were so kind and thoughtful, and I am so sorry you had it thrown back in your face. I would have cried and hugged you!!!

DixieNormas · 17/04/2016 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leopardgecko · 17/04/2016 22:03

Thanks op, I guess in some ways we are lucky. He's only little atm just turned 3 but chances are he won't ever realise he is being left out of parties and other things because autism has caused developmently delay and he may never get to the point where he wants to socialise.It must be awful for dc and parents who really want to make friends and be invited places but arnt due to their sn.It must be heartbreaking

Dixie, I have 3 children with autism (now adult) and it is certainly true that the one with the more severe learning difficulties has had a much happier life. He is perfectly content with his own, or family, company. And happy to be himself with his own specific interests. He never worries or gets upset. I sometimes wish I could be more like him. However the son with less delay has always desperately tried to fit into a world he did not properly understand, had a struggle at school (never once asked to a party), no benefits or extra help, and tries so damn hard to work and socialise, and has had a much tougher time because of it.

Best wishes to you and your son, and thank you so much for understanding.

Nydj · 17/04/2016 22:12

OP, you did the right thing.
RidersOnTheStorm
YWNBU -just don't invite him. She's lost someone who could have been a good friend. Don't waste any more time on her.

What horrible, spiteful advice!

DixieNormas · 17/04/2016 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBobDylan · 17/04/2016 22:51

Well you were thoughtful and kind so there's nothing you should have done differently IMO.

I wouldn't say anything to the mum as either it was directed at you and she's been incredibly unfair and not someone you'll feel comfortable befriending or it was aimed at someone else. You'll know which it is in time from the way she reacts to you.

I'd just carry on being friendly when you see her and take it from there.

If the mum was being rude to you then I think that's inexcusable frankly. Don't let her put you making similar approaches in the future. We need more people like you.

MrsBobDylan · 17/04/2016 22:53

Put you off...

Original poster
ReturnoftheWhack · 18/04/2016 18:05

Just to update, I spoke to Bob's Mum tonight. She bought up the conversation from Friday and said I had implied he wouldn't be able to cope with soft play and I had no frame of reference to make that assumption. I said I had just based it on previous conversations where she had said he gets over stimulated in busy environments but I was sincerely sorry if I had offended her or Bob...it was all a bit stilted and awkward to be honest. Thanks for your input and thoughts everyone, hopefully she'll still bring Bob and DS will be happy.

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TealLove · 18/04/2016 18:15

I think she's being really silly. I'm sorry but you were just being thoughtful!
I wouldn't talk to her anymore.

YorkieDorkie · 18/04/2016 18:15

Oh dear OP Confused I thought that was so kind of you to want to be fully inclusive. I get that as a parent of an autistic child it must be very hard to deal with other parents and children but you were making sure she wouldn't have to decline your invitation. Try not to let the stiffness ruin the boys' relationship, hopefully she'll calm down.

Just for reference, I'm a primary teacher and I'm forever having to console parents whose children never get invited to parties because they have SEN or lack social skills. It's really hard on the parents so I think you're wonderful for going the extra mile.