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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

731 replies

SpaceCadet4000 · 16/04/2016 15:33

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

OP posts:
Seryph · 16/04/2016 17:45

I'm Miss. I actually hate it when forms only give the option of "Ms" or "Mrs". I am neither of those.

I also don't particularly care if people can gather from my mane if I am married or not. When I get married I'll be wearing a wedding ring, so if they met me in person they'd know anyway. What does it matter?

MrsBoDuke · 16/04/2016 17:48

I can see why people use Ms, was just pointing out that it is only women who want a 3rd title.

I personally prefer Mrs to Ms, because Ms sounds too much like Miss.
I'd like it to be Mrs for all adult females, regardless of marital status - just like it's Mr for all adult males.

I'm currently getting divorced, but I'll stay as Mrs purely because I don't like Ms - I'm totally fine with my single status though, it's not like I'm pretending to be married.
I am spectacularly unbothered by anyones marital status though (male or female).

Izzabellasasperella · 16/04/2016 17:48

Surely as adult women we are able to choose our titles? Be it Miss, Ms or Mrs but surely at this time we need to inform people of our choice? The op said that she did not inform anyone of her preference then was really angry when she was addressed as Mrs, that is what I don't understand. Not every woman wants to be Ms so why should it be the default title?

FavaBeans · 16/04/2016 17:48

My husband insisted that I redo it because he said eg his mum was proud to be married and would be insulted by me not putting Mrs. So I went through and put Miss and Mrs on everyone,

You see the problem with that story don't you? Grin

OublietteBravo · 16/04/2016 17:50

I'm Dr

DH is Dr

The thing that annoys me most is when people phone asking to speak to Dr and then when I inform them that they already are, they tell me I'm wrong and ask to speak to DH. Because clearly they know best.

rosy71 · 16/04/2016 17:54

ll these people who refuse to use Mrs because it denotes some sort of inequality would you, in the event that your husband got a knighthood, refuse to use the title Lady? Just wondering hmm

If you hadn't changed your name, you wouldn't be able to use Lady because the title would go with your husband;s name. E.g. Sir & Lady Smith. It couldn't be Sir Smith & Lady Jones unless you had the title Lady in your own right. It would be Sir SMith & Ms Jones.

IcedTin · 16/04/2016 17:54

YANBU. It's rude to assign someone a name or title that isn't theirs and that they never use.

All the men were Mr of course, as they are only Masters until the age of 7. Maybe we should have the same with girls. Miss until 7 and Ms thereafter.

Or men could be "Master", and only "Mr" if they get married! If that sounds ridiculous, why apply the same to women?

BoffinMum · 16/04/2016 18:10

Oubliette, John Lewis once refused to speak to me about my own fridge because they assumed the Dr Boffin who had purchased it had to be a male and therefore my DH (who incidentally does not have a doctorate),

thatstoast · 16/04/2016 18:21

Not every woman wants to be Ms so why should it be the default title?

I think because it doesn't denote marital status and so is 'correct' for all women.

ProseccoPoppy · 16/04/2016 18:23

A friend of a friend has a good story about going to a conference (science/tech thing) and being asked on registration "Dr or Ms?" She was delighted - said she'd found her people! misses point of thread slightly but my feeling is that it's perfectly reasonable to mind but not so much as I personally would have assumed it was just a mistake.

IcedTin · 16/04/2016 18:26

Not every woman wants to be Ms so why should it be the default title?

What about men who don't want to be Mr?

HelsBels3000 · 16/04/2016 18:29

It infuriates me to be called 'Miss' by visiting tradespeople - I am 'Mrs'
Who should I complain to?

Mistigri · 16/04/2016 18:39

I'm surprised that the normal default usage isn't Ms, at least in any organisation large enough to have a separate HR department. It is appropriate regardless of age or marital status. I would always assume Ms if a colleague had chosen to keep her maiden name.

I use my maiden name at work and always use Ms.

toomuchtooold · 16/04/2016 18:49

So why not just stay as Miss?

IDK about the OP, but I was sort of fairly aware of feminist ideas by the time I turned 16 and have therefore not been known as "Miss" ever in my adult life. The whole point for me was to have a title that didn't reflect my marital status at any point.

(I'm Dr now so the point is moot but spending 3 years writing a thesis is an extreme way of sidestepping the issue!)

TaIkinPeace · 16/04/2016 18:54

Galling as it is OP, the best way to deal with it is to randomly sign yourself of as Mrs / Miss / Ms on every different piece of correspondence with them.

I am Miss Talk and Mrs Peace
I have legal documents in both names

I avoid titles when possible (as the men do)
but play with them randomly when forced to

ridicule is the best way to handle it

Trills · 16/04/2016 18:56

I'd say the best way to deal with it is to politely ask that they change their documentation to "Ms" and remind them that they should not make assumptions about people's titles.

It's more boring, sure, but more likely to get the result you want.

IcedTin · 16/04/2016 19:03

So why not just stay as Miss?

Because she doesn't want to? Confused

Maiyakat · 16/04/2016 19:07

DD's hospital appointments always come to 'Mrs Maiyakat' - I've never been married and am a single parent. I figure so long as she gets excellent care I don't give two hoots what they call me.

SaffaQueen · 16/04/2016 19:11

Seriously? Of all the things to get upset about...
What would you have done as HR under the same circumstances? For every person that complains there would be one that wants to be referred to as a Mrs.
YABU - just get it changed sans fuss!

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 19:19

OP id be annoyed too
To be clear, they haven't given you the wrong surname, that would be even worse.

Definitely get it changed.

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 19:19

There should have been a question mark at the end of my second sentence!

Trills · 16/04/2016 19:23

For every person that complains there would be one that wants to be referred to as a Mrs.

HR should ASK people what their title is. Simple.

HarlotBronte · 16/04/2016 19:27

I don't really understand why it bothers people so. All those whom it bothers to this extent to should click their fingers five times. Every click represents a child dying in the world due to poverty. I think many people needs to deal with their priorities and take some decisions about what really needs changing in the world.

Yes, your lack of understanding shines out every time you post on this issue beaufortbelle. It's very, um, kind of you to be so willing to share it with MN as a whole.

Meanwhile, perhaps you should click your fingers every time a healthcare professional addresses you in a way you don't like and think instead about what really needs changing in the world. Alternatively, understand that the way in which people are addressed is important even when it doesn't seem that way to you, and don't be so utterly fucking disgusting as to co-opt the deaths of children due to poverty to make a (moronic) point about titles.

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2016 19:29

Funny isn't it, how women are always being told not to make a fuss, not to be silly, to just put up with things, to think about other people.........

HarlotBronte · 16/04/2016 19:31

The problem with that MrsBoDuke is that like it or not, Mrs is not a neutral title in the manner of Mr. It's connotated with marriage. If it were equivalent to the German Frau you'd have a point. As it is, rejecting the one title that isn't associated with a particular marital status simply because you don't like it, and suggesting we should all use a title that definitely is associated with a particular marital status which coincidentally is your favoured term, makes it look like you're the special snowflake here.